Is it possible to just realize after 18 years together?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I honestly just thought I was crazy, that it was my job to make him happy, and that I needed to prove to him that he was so deserving of a love like ours and a family etc. 

He was the one who left (blaming me for him falling out of love) MC threw BPD out there but he won't even ecknowledge that was mentioned. 

I love him but I am starting to realize it isn't enough. 

[Lovingwife315]

I honestly just thought I was crazy, that it was my job to make him happy, and that I needed to prove to him that he was so deserving of a love like ours and a family etc. 

He was the one who left (blaming me for him falling out of love) MC threw BPD out there but he won't even ecknowledge that was mentioned. 

I love him but I am starting to realize it isn't enough. 

[mango_flower]

Definitely possible.  After all, everyone is different and I am guessing you just thought she had an intense personality, which is sometimes part of the attraction.

[Lovingwife315]

My BPD is my husband.  Our relationship has always been intense good or bad. At times he made me believe I was the only one who could understand or love him.  That is until he found OW who seems to idolize him and now he says he is not in love with me anymore and has thrown 18 yrs and a family away.  He has always been very black and white.  And no matter how much he hurt me. I always end up thinking I hurt him and would beg for forgiveness.  He could go silent for days. Knowing it was tourture for me. And now says he wants to be alone. He moved out and is seeing OW on and off ( as she is here in town once a month). By day 4 or moving out he was trying to be intimate with me again.  When I aloud it thinking it was a "good" sign, he said he was "overwhelmed with me" and pulled back again. This dance has been going on for months.  I finally had to make the choice to no longer engage with him except kid and $ issues and very briefly with that as well.  Self preservation mode. 

Is there any chance for a real reconciliation?

[Surnia]

 

Lovingwife315

So sorry to hear about your difficulties in your marriage! Looks like you are on a roller coaster for years. This must be exhausting.

Great you found this board. It is so important and a brave step to reach out for support and sharing!

Your question if there is hope is a difficult one do answer, I wish I could. We can support you to understand more about BPD and your role in the dynamic of this illness.

How many children do you have and how old they are?

Please stay tuned, Lovingwife315

Surnia

[clairedair]

Hi lovingwife315,

Sorry to hear that you're having to distance yourself from someone you've loved for a long time so that you can protect yourself.  It's harder when you feel that you're being blamed for his leaving.  

I was married same length of time and what you describe about the intensity, about feeling that it was somehow my fault that he wasn't happy etc sounds familiar.  I didn't find out about BPD until a couple of years after things got really difficult.

My exH alternated for years between me and a gf he started dating very soon after our first separation.  Our last breakup was at the end of last year and this time he started seeing someone else (who he had known before).

We've always had to keep some level of communication because of the kids.  At some stage we would start joking around, even flirting and end up back together.  So, for my sake and that of my children (and even his to an extent), I am trying to be as distant as possible this time.  It doesn't sit well with me after a 30-year relationship but our reconciliations have never lasted.

I do think it's very possible for you and your H to reconcile.  Whether it would be a 'real' reconciliation is a different matter.  Unfortunately, there's no way of knowing whether it would just be another 'dance'.  :)o you want to take that risk?

Have you had a look at the 'lessons' on the Staying Board?   Although you are not together, you still need to have a relationship with him because of the children - I've found the lessons useful in helping me with this.

[Lovingwife315]

Thank u for your responses.  My children are 19,15, and 6 years old.  My oldest daughter is from my first marriage but my uBPD H adopted her when she was very young.  I guess I can't ever be sure that things could be better, because my H will never be diagnosed because he has never stayed in IC T long enough to hear what they have to say to him about their observations. 

I love him so much but want more than he is capable of giving me. 

[just me.]

Hello Lovingwife315,  

It is definitely possible to be in an intimate relationship for a very long time before ever realizing your partner might have something like BPD.  My ex-wife and I were together for more than 7 years (with kids, a home, a future, etc.) before it all came crashing down (which eventually helped me to learn of this disorder).

I always knew that something felt "wrong", but I believed her to just be some uniquely pained and insecure person.  And, like you, I spent much of my time accepting and internalizing her irrationality... .  working hard to believe that I must actually be as terrible and selfish and crazy as she sometimes seemed to think I was.  After all, meeting your partner halfway and taking their frustrations seriously is what good people do in healthy relationships... .  right?

It is good you have learned of the disorder, and that you have found this site.  It seems like it is now time to learn about it as much as you can - particularly through communications with others here on this board.  I think you will find that many people have gone through experiences very, very similar to yours.

This reconciliation that you seek is not necessarily impossible, but I would suggest learning from others' experiences before attempting anything.  Many of the people here (myself included) have tried a great many things to try to "get through" to their beloved pwBPD... .  and our attempts very rarely have produced the intended result.  Moreover, I think you'll find that many (myself almost now included) eventually come to appreciate the stability, clarity, and self-respect they are able to attain once they get a little distance from their situation.

Every situation, however, is of course unique, and yours may turn out differently.  In regards to reconciliation, though, I think the question you need to ask yourself is what exactly you are hoping to reconcile... ?  The relationship you once had, dysfunctions and all... .  the one that made you think you were crazy?  Or the one you've had more recently in which he can't even remain faithful to you or be consistent in saying he loves you?

Or are you hoping to "reconcile" the relationship you'd always simply thought/hoped you might have?  The one that showed itself only sometimes?


The challenge that many of us here face in our detachment is the realization that a relationship that is only healthy and loving some of the time may not really be the healthy and loving relationship we deserve.  It can be a very sad thing to come to terms with, because it felt so real at those times.  In the end, though, many of us come out on the other end much stronger.

Please stay and continue to ask questions and share more of your story.  I am very sorry for all that you are going through.  I know very well how difficult this can be when there are kids involved.

[unlockforty1]

hello Lovingwife315

Sure. its possible and I have done it, we can be aware (all too late) of that special person who we are with who thinks that we are capable of reading, rehearsing and acting the role that they have created for us when they have gone to the trouble of preparing the perfect script that they wrote for us to co-star along side in - their marriage. It not so much a film that someone can say 'cut' and do it again. They see it as a stage performance and its live action with no slip-ups allowed or the performance reviews will be critical. Its not your fault, and I doubt your crazy, your here on this board because you know deep down its not you and you realized that you can hang in there and be accepted equal so long as you dont flag or want a day off from shoring up the BPD issues your spouse has. Its easy to blame yourself, but dont. I believe the BPD'r can be objective in the roles that are taken - his to make you feel youv'e failed him and this must be your fault, and the non BPD'r trying to be constructive and not threatning to push your partner over the edge. my BPD exW had same MO - she to threaten and wreck, and me to reasure and pacify. Ultimately the dance has to stop and we get hurt - stay around here awhile and listen to others that have shared what your going through - your not to blame and your not alone Just believe yourself and be gentle with your heart. good luck and peace   

[Surnia]

Lovingwife315

good to see you again!

So one of your children is quite young!

I agree with clairdair, you could benefit from the Lessons for members who are staying in their relationships on the Staying board.

I would recommend to spend a while on the Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner board. Even if you are not living together right now. You are married with kids, so this board fits the best for you.

How are the children coping with the whole situation?

[Lovingwife315]

Thanks again everyone.   I really have to post my story on the newbie board, I didn't and I am sorry. 

The kids are all in different emotional stages for dealing with this. 2 of the 3 are now doing poorly in school. 2 are angry, youngest misses her daddy everyday. (He has her every other weekend). And sees her when ever he can stop by during the week. 

A little background. -

. H told me his feelings for me had changed  in July, stated intensions to move out and divorce in Aug or sept.  lived together till jan.  (ow since before he told me).  S since he moved out it has been a constant push pull.  Either I'm smothering him or rejecting him. 

I can't win.  So I have been in LC since Sunday the 17th.  ( we were intimate feb 14, mainly because he said OW and him had falling out and he would not be seeing her again. Then that Sunday he rejects me, later I find out she is in town.  So LC for a week, only text about kids etc.  I suggest tha he drop the kids off at a certain time at my friends house cause I will be there for dinner.  ( no alone time with him).  He asks if I'm scared of him?  Then goes on to text me about how much he desires my body.   I am so turned of this dance with him!



So I guess I really need to have some clarity on how often our relationship was actually good over those 18 years.  I guess I miss the husband that loved me and made me feel like he was proud I was his, the one who spent ALL his time with me ( he never really had any friends)

Not the person I have seen this last year, cheater, MLC attitude with joining softball teams that travel around the country for tournementa.  Lying, hurting me and our children because

"he needs his life to have meaning and self worth". Obsessing over the new woman, talking to her all the time.  If more than 1 doc didn't say BPD I would just think he was in MLC but there are now things I am seeing from years ago.  We pushed and pulled back the.  It is just worse now

[just me.]

So I guess I really need to have some clarity on how often our relationship was actually good over those 18 years.  I guess I miss the husband that loved me and made me feel like he was proud I was his, the one who spent ALL his time with me ( he never really had any friends)

Not the person I have seen this last year, cheater, MLC attitude with joining softball teams that travel around the country for tournementa.  Lying, hurting me and our children because

"he needs his life to have meaning and self worth". Obsessing over the new woman, talking to her all the time.  If more than 1 doc didn't say BPD I would just think he was in MLC but there are now things I am seeing from years ago.  We pushed and pulled back the.  It is just worse now

These recent times certainly sound confusing and awful for you!  I'm sorry!

His behavior definitely seems as though it would be heartbreaking and frustrating and confusing and upsetting.  Pretty much everything you describe is of things that have occurred in the past year, and it seems you are not entirely convinced that this is a case of BPD... ?  Here is a link that might give you a better perspective on the disorder:  The Symptoms and Diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder

Do the behavioral patterns of BPD seem to apply to your whole time of being with him, or is this all just a recent phenomenon?  Would you have considered your marriage to be "healthy" prior to the events beginning in July?

[Lovingwife315]

No I would not, although I tried to excuse everything that was bad in our marriage.

When we meet in 1995 it was an IMMEDIATE INTENSE relationship, in which he swept me off my feet and rocked my world sexually.   He almost immediately told me things about his childhood that broke my heart, made me want to care for him, love him, protect him.He wanted to spend every moment with me in the beginning... .  went on for months, then we would argue about something, he didn't like my opinion, he would "take his ball and go home"   wouldn't talk to me for days... .  Then come back with such loving intensity.

Everything was going fine (1 year later) and I got pregnant... .  he seemed so happy in the beginning, and then by my 7th month he started a courtship with another woman and ended our relationship (officially) but never disengaged from me sexually or emotionally.  I had our son, and told him I was moving back home (3000 miles away)

During our time apart he visited 3 times, all 3 times were very intense.  a year and half later he moved where I was, begged for forgiveness, and asked me to marry him.  I was dating someone else then (but was still so deeply in love (I think) with him... .  I said no, but broke up with the other guy, started allowing him to court me again... .  He was so attentive, and he seemed to love me completly.  How could I not believe he had changed?   He asked me for 6 months until I finally said YES.

[Lovingwife315]

sorry had to make seperate posts:

Early years of marriage were Rocky.  Fought about stupid things, mainly when he didn't like my opinions.  even when he hurt my feelings he would trun it around so I was apologizing to him.  Sometimes I actually felt crazy.  Early on there was some physical abuse, pushing, grabbing he had such a hard time controlling his temper... .  

Either he adored me and everything about me, oor in the blink of and Eye he hated me and wanted to be done with me.

Most of the time he "punished me" with he amazing ability to detach for extended amounts of time nad seeminly have no remorse about hurt me.  He would just stop talking and intereacting with me when angry or hurt, and it could go on for days!  It would always end with the most mind blowing sex, but no I am seeing he just ended it so he could have that mindblowing sex.

When our daughter who is 6 now came along we made a recommitment to each other and things seemed to get som much better then, it was calmer, he was more patient,  I have since found out that he attempted an affair during the last 6 years, and when confronted about it he said "why not?  What is wrong with that"   Sometimes I thought he had a sex addiction, because we are very HD together... .  maybe it is just that I needed him to need and want me, he begged me to come over last night to be with him... .  it took everything in my power to say no.  This 10 day stretch is the longest we have ever not had sex with each other in the last 13 years... .  

[Cumulus]

Hi lovingwife, I saw many similarities in our situations. There were no easy answers for me either, there were only degrees of difficulty answers. Eighteen years into the marriage I didn't know he had a mental illness. What I did know was I was married to a difficult and demanding man.  But this man loved me, needed me, he was kind and faithful and honest, what reason would I have to leave a marriage I had so much invested in. Soon after that my d then 17 came and told me mom, I think dad is having an affair. Sadly, my daughter had to tell me. I looked at the evidence she showed me and there really was no other explanation. I confronted him, he confessed. He told me it was the first time it had ever happened. He was not willing to let our marriage dissolve. He would do anything. I considered leaving but like you thought, it's a MLC and these things do happen in life. We all make mistakes. So, I told him I was willing to work with him at getting our marriage together again. But, it was a one time deal. If there was ever a next time, I was done. Skipping ahead almost ten years he created another incident , ( not an affair ) that sent me reeling in shock. I separated and took the time to really look into his life and our relationship. The affair I had found out about was not the first, he hadn't broke up with the OW at that time and there were several more in those last ten years. There were so many lies and so many twisted truths that I  was left with no comprehension of what my life had been since being with him. So if I could go back in time what would I have done? I would have stayed with him after finding out about the affair, but, big but, I would have been more suspicious, not listening to what he told me but spending time in searching out the truth.