My T told me he doesn't see any hope

[cal644]

Yesterday at my T I told him I was at the point I either need to let go or to do everything possible to save our marriage.  He told me that he doesn't tell people this very often but that he recommends that I let go.  He said my Wife has so many issues and her current T is just helping her to survive day by day and has been unable to get at her deep issues of BPD, codependancy, hatred towards me for filing, etc.  It kind of broke my heart that I need to let this woman who I loved and cared for go. But he said that this is something so deep and so wounding to her that she is throwing away a loving, caring, honest, warm hearted, spiritual guy.  I guess I wanted to post ths - because I am down today - The person I thought I would be with until the day I died, I have to let go of.

[Vindi]

i am sorry for the pain you are feeling, and I guess your T just gave you the facts plain and simple, and you are at a point that you may not want to hear what your T said. I am sure you are hoping things will get better... .  they may, they may not... .  I think letting go is good, take care of you. No one knows what will happen one month or one year from now. As long as you focus on yourself, let your wife take care of herself... .  see what happens in time. 

Do you have a plan? what is your next step... .  talking about things truly helps and again, sorry for the pain your heart is feeling.

[Discarded26]

Yesterday at my T I told him I was at the point I either need to let go or to do everything possible to save our marriage.  He told me that he doesn't tell people this very often but that he recommends that I let go.  He said my Wife has so many issues and her current T is just helping her to survive day by day and has been unable to get at her deep issues of BPD, codependancy, hatred towards me for filing, etc.  It kind of broke my heart that I need to let this woman who I loved and cared for go. But he said that this is something so deep and so wounding to her that she is throwing away a loving, caring, honest, warm hearted, spiritual guy.  I guess I wanted to post ths - because I am down today - The person I thought I would be with until the day I died, I have to let go of.

I'm in the same position, was told his job is his 'other half' now and I have to 'let go'

Yet he's the one with my number still, and had been in contact 3 times since it happened 5 weeks ago?

Just to accuse me of being with someone else. Er like hello, you made me single, your choice, not mine.

Letting go is so hard, but it takes time, and set backs happen. You just have to muddle through  

[cal644]

Yea - the pain sucks.  I have told my wife that I have forgiven her - and I truly have, I don't want the hatred to hold me back.  As for myself - I'm still kinda at a loss, people have told me to find myself.  Honestly, I liked the person I was and wish I could get back there.  I should say I am getting there but it is going to take some time.  I still feel at a loss because I loved being a family man, spending time with friends - now I'm a shell of who I was.

[WalrusGumboot]

cal, I understand what you are feeling, as I went through it myself. You go into marriage thinking it was for life. All of a sudden you find yourself on the brink of being on your own again.

My T was very good with BPD and has a number of success stories treating those with the disorder. But it was years and years of therapy and a willing patient. My ex never even acknowledged that she might have a problem. Yours is in therapy, but she sounds like she is in denial as well. Staying the course for you and her would cost you your remaining shell as well.

If I could give you some kind of condolence, it would be that life is actually really nice outside of the daily drama and abuse. I keep I am getting stronger every day, but there has been some hiccups. You do not realize just how much they damage you until you are free and clear and start integrating yourself in a normal life. Leaving hurts, but you will find in the end it was one of the best decisions you make in your situation.

[real lady]

It kind of broke my heart that I need to let this woman who I loved and cared for go. But he said that this is something so deep and so wounding to her that she is throwing away a loving, caring, honest, warm hearted, spiritual guy. I guess I wanted to post ths - because I am down today - The person I thought I would be with until the day I died, I have to let go of

 

((Cal)) I am so sorry to hear that you are down, I have felt the same way... My uBPDso will not enter counseling for himself... .  still in DEEP denial and he may never come out of it. It is best to LET GO for both the non and the pwBPD... .  I think that we are hoping against hope that someday they will go to counseling and see WHO they lost... .  I think that it is such a wicked mental illness that they never "come to that point" of admitting to themselves that they lost the only "special someone" that they might ever have again... .  we feel that now but we can grow and move on.

Wishing you luck and peace on your journey.  

[WillyD]

cal,

It's going to be a painful journey near term, but in the not too distant future you will start to see things crystal clear and you will realize that you have passed another one of life's difficult tests.

Like others said, focus on yourself. Reacquaint with friends you haven't spent time with in a long time. Do things with your kids you never did before. Take up a new or an old hobby. Travel somewhere by yourself. The depression and sleepless nights will pass soon enough and you will begin to feel invigorated and excited about life again. It will cycle back and forth between good days and bad days but over time it will trend to more good days than bad.

In the end you will emerge a wiser more thoughtful person if you focus properly.

Best of luck,

WD

[Rose Tiger]

  My T told me something similiar a while back.  It was a very bizarre feeling to know she was probably right and wanting to fire her for it.  Oh this is tangly web weaving stuff and we are suppose to untangle it?  Take good care of yourself and know that you are under some heavy duty stress, take it real easy for a bit.   

[whatarideout]

The person I thought I would be with until the day I died, I have to let go of.

the person you will be with until the day you die cal, is you.

this is the most important relationship you will ever have while spending what time is given to you on this planet.

it is the relationship you want to spend the most time, focus and energy on. period.

if you want to love and care for someone right now, go look in the mirror. this is the only person that will get you through your current and future circumstances.

As for myself - I'm still kinda at a loss, people have told me to find myself.  Honestly, I liked the person I was and wish I could get back there. 

actually, you don't want to "get back there". the person you "were", allowed yourself to enter and sustain a toxic relationship with someone who suffers from a mental illness. this is not a person you want in the captains chair making the important decisions.

the person you "were", has lead you to where you are now. is this what you want?

decide that you will never be "that" person again. decide you will never be the person that puts yourself in harms way again. become smarter. become stronger. start to think like a titan, and move in that direction.

the point is cal, become a better person than you "were". because being a better person gets you better results.

if you go back to where you "were", you'll always show up to where you are.

[Seb]

  whatarideout... .  great post, very motivational. I'm going to remind myself of your words when I'm feeling weaker than I'd like to be. Think like a Titan 

Hang in there cal, you'll be ok... .  we're all here for you 

[RedCandle]

Cal... .  have you ever used those little Chinese Finger Traps? Look it up... .  you'll remember them. Woven bamboo that goes around your fingers "trapping" them.

The harder you pull and try to FORCE and RIP them of your fingers... .  the tighter the trap gets around your hand... .  the harder it gets to figure a way out.

But... .  if you RELAX your fingers and GENTLY maneuver them... .  the trap comes right off.

Sometimes, when we are trapped in a horrible situation... .  we too rip and pull and force solutions... .  and things get worse.

You don't have to look at "letting go" of your wife as loosing her forever... .  you can look at it as RELAXING your mental and physical grip on her... .  to let the bind you two find yourself in untangle itself.