success at voicing my needs and concerns

[laelle]

 

was going to write what happened today but will just keep this one to myself.  The things I have learned here are really helping to improve my relationship.  I have never been happier.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[TigerEye]

Hey laelle

Good for you, but what a tease! 

As you have seen, I'm struggling in this area, which bits have you found most useful?

[123Phoebe]

That's great laelle, keep the positive vibes goin'... .  

[LetItBe]

Yay for you, laelle! 

Yes, which bits have you found most useful?  Validation has been working wonders here.

[laelle]

I think the success has just as much to do with him as it does me.  He has read up alot on his disorder.  He is more informed than me, and thats saying alot.  I see him trying and I love him for it.

I was overly sensitive, and I would JADE constantly to try to get myself validated. (this came from my relationship with my parents)  I had to have his validation or I felt that I was not valid.  I had no rights to my own opinion or actions if other people didnt agree.

-My thoughts, opinions and feelings are valid with or without him or anyone else.

-I am not crushed when he doesnt like what I do or how I am in nature.

- I listen and can respond in many ways... .  agree collaboratively, disagree collaboratively, or I can just be a rogue and tell him that I know he wont like it, but its not for me. 

-The fact that he does not like it doesnt make it invalid.  Its also nice that I get to share them here.  It gives me alot of satisfaction in doing so.

Its ok to detach 

I grew up with a "sacrifice" "victim" mentality therefore I was to endure it all to the end and still be the bigger man or woman about it.

It was my job to listen to his rages.  To try to understand what I have done wrong and fix it.  The website and tools have taught me that not only is it ok to tell him I'll get back with you when you can behave  , but it encourages it.  I can see how it has made a difference for both of us. 

I can not control others, I can only control myself... .  with this comes freedom

I am not responsible for what he does, only what I do.  What I do is based on my boundaries and principles, they do not have to be his.

If he cheats, its not my problem to worry about... .  I dont think he is mind you, but it takes away the paranoia to know its not my responsibility to guard his morals, they are his to keep, and his problem.  It has freed me from jealous and alot of insecurities.  I am not responsible for him.

How I handle his aggressive moods where he just wants to pick on me.

I use alot of uh huh, uh huh... .  he says your not listening to me.  I say I am listening to what your saying, but I dont agree.   When I start saying uh huh alot, he usually does a self check and changes course.  I let his harsh criticism of me roll off my back, onto the floor and out the door.  It does not mean he can not criticize, but only constructive.  Again, I do not need him to validate me.

Validation- its very hard for me to emotionally deal with people in general.

I have learned how to better communicate with other people.  I have also learned to speak his language and understand my own better.

He likes phrases that emphasize that his thinking is normal.  Its very validating for him.  It makes me feel good to say the things that I know he needs and I could not give him before.

Every change has been about handling my emotions better.  Because I handle mine better and communicate better, he does the same.

[laelle]

and Radical Acceptance.  We wont ever have a normal relationship, but normal is really a matter of perspective anyway.

He is what he is... .  kind, loving, caring, critical, harsh and sometimes insensitive.  He smokes pot, plays video game and is a great english teacher.  He is always looking for the next rainbow, and he loves his voice to be heard.  I am no longer  sensitive to his insensitivities, but I get really tickled when I see him try.  I love him beyond idealization of what a relationship should be.  It is what it is, and its good for me.

Mindfullness - when you get upset, pinpoint the pain, accept it and let it go through either the formation of boundaries or natural selection into the heap of un useful  feelings on the floor.

[laelle]

One more thing... .  we desensitized the rude phrases that he use to say that he knows bothers me.

We both did this.  Now when he says them we laugh about it.

[LetItBe]

I think the success has just as much to do with him as it does me.   I see him trying and I love him for it.

I was overly sensitive, and I would JADE constantly to try to get myself validated.

Its ok to detach 

I grew up with a "sacrifice" "victim" mentality therefore I was to endure it all to the end and still be the bigger man or woman about it.

It was my job to listen to his rages.  To try to understand what I have done wrong and fix it.  The website and tools have taught me that not only is it ok to tell him I'll get back with you when you can behave  , but it encourages it.  I can see how it has made a difference for both of us. 

I can not control others, I can only control myself... .  with this comes freedom

I am not responsible for what he does, only what I do.  What I do is based on my boundaries and principles, they do not have to be his.

If he cheats, its not my problem to worry about... .  I dont think he is mind you, but it takes away the paranoia to know its not my responsibility to guard his morals, they are his to keep, and his problem.  It has freed me from jealous and alot of insecurities.  I am not responsible for him.


Validation- its very hard for me to emotionally deal with people in general.

I have learned how to better communicate with other people.  I have also learned to speak his language and understand my own better.

He likes phrases that emphasize that his thinking is normal.  Its very validating for him.  It makes me feel good to say the things that I know he needs and I could not give him before.

Every change has been about handling my emotions better.  Because I handle mine better and communicate better, he does the same.

Wow, what a fantastic post!  This belongs somewhere in the "Lessons" for all to read now and in the future, I think.  

I quoted what you wrote that has been working for me and my uBPDbf.  Since I've been using what I've learned here (that on top of my regular mindfulness meditation practice), he has commented several times on how much more peaceful I am, how that makes him feel calmer and more trusting, how it feels like we have something new and more solid.

The cheating thing... .  I'm pretty sure he'd never cheat, but I am concerned about a female coworker of his who has been very seductive and manipulative toward him.  I could start a new thread on that.  Perhaps I will.  Your words about, "Its not my responsibility to guard his morals, they are his to keep, and his problem.  It has freed me from jealous and alot of insecurities.  I am not responsible for him," are really helpful.

I've also found Radical Acceptance to be essential in this r/s.  I agree -- a "normal" r/s is a matter of perspective anyway.  We all have issues.  I have mine, and he has his.  We accept this about each other and are doing a much better job now of supporting each other, meeting each other in the middle when our needs differ (which usually involves his fear coming up, urging him to withdraw, and my need for closeness/reassurance).  He's been working at this just as much as I have.  He's been in T for 10 years, and I admire his effort so much.  I also "love him beyond idealization of what a relationship should be."

I also LOVE what you said here: "Mindfullness - when you get upset, pinpoint the pain, accept it and let it go through either the formation of boundaries or natural selection into the heap of un useful  feelings on the floor."

Thanks again for sharing what you have here.  It's very, very encouraging and helpful!  I am so happy for you that things are going well.  

[laelle]

Thats quite a compliment NonGf, thank you.  I am just passing it on and im more than happy to do so.  Everytime I come here down in the dumps and afraid, there is always someone here with a hug and a solid piece of advice.  It means alot to me.

I honestly came here trying to change him and all his broken pieces, but I ended up changing me and both of our pieces have begun to fix themselves.

I will respond more to your post in a little bit.  I just got out of the hospital so im a bit tired and that last post was a little long winded. 

 

[LetItBe]

I honestly came here trying to change him and all his broken pieces, but I ended up changing me and both of our pieces have begun to fix themselves.


 

Me, too! 

Hope you feel better soon.    I'll look forward to your response later.

[Go Fish]

Excellent post! Thank you. I think this belongs in the lessons too. When you are feeling up to it , can you say more about how you desensitized certain statements? I can't really do this in the same way, since my uBPDh isn't at they point but I like the idea.

[arabella]

I was overly sensitive, and I would JADE constantly to try to get myself validated. (this came from my relationship with my parents)  I had to have his validation or I felt that I was not valid.  I had no rights to my own opinion or actions if other people didnt agree.

^This is me! Actually, a lot of your post really resonated with me - thank you for your insight, it's extremely helpful! 

[yeeter]

 

Thanks laelle, for sharing your successes (we like hearing about success!)

GREAT work!

[fakename]

Great post.

I have a question,

What do you do to make clear to them things you won't accept ad how do you respond if they overstep your boundaries?

Thanks