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Author Topic: Another lonely friday, saturday and sunday night coming...  (Read 8916 times)
HarmKrakow
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« on: February 22, 2013, 12:48:12 PM »

After a full week of work, hours and hours of not having to think of the BPD person in our life, it has yet begun... weekend!

I just came home, after a week of barely thinking about her, but now yet again almost not being able to keep up my tears. I don't have the energy to do something else, it's another bed-sit-weekend hoping to get more emotionally healthy.

Anyone else? Never felt so lonely in my life man, blergh 
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Rose Tiger
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« Reply #1 on: February 22, 2013, 12:54:43 PM »

   I can give you suggestions but you might not be in the mood to hear them.  It's ok to take a timeout to rest, cry, heal.  Imagine your heart like a broken leg, it will eventually heal but not overnight.
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Gimme Peace
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« Reply #2 on: February 22, 2013, 01:32:40 PM »

I'm also looking at another lonely weekend, except that I haven't left yet.  I think being in a dysfunctional, emotionally distant relationship is much worse than being alone. I can't wait to be alone and not have to worry about his meltdowns or silent rages anymore.

I will live vicariously through you in enjoying the solace and peace. Hang in there. Smiling (click to insert in post)
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Hutsepotmetworst
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« Reply #3 on: February 22, 2013, 01:45:33 PM »

Yep Harm,

Me too, wasn't looking forward to this weekend... .  

At least I have some distractions... .  tomorrow I go see my girls play a volleyball match.

And Sunday I have to play a match myself... .  strange though... .  I was ALWAYS looking forward to play (during my marriage with a NON it were my only happy moments), but since my uexBPDgf dumped me, it's just no fun anymore... .  

In the end she even thought my sportsclub was a sexclub and that I cheated her with every girl I saw there... .  

Just sad... .  
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Rose Tiger
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« Reply #4 on: February 22, 2013, 01:57:09 PM »

Can't resist sharing this site.  It is about the weirdest humor on the planet but it made me laugh when I was in the first days after the break up.

www.laughhard.tristanx.com/

I read every durn page.
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hithere
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« Reply #5 on: February 22, 2013, 02:35:59 PM »

    

Excerpt
Another lonely friday, saturday and sunday night coming

That is your choice... .  you could probably come up with 100 things to do.
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Wooddragon
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« Reply #6 on: February 22, 2013, 03:00:03 PM »

It's awful trying to do "things" & engage with others socially when you feel disengaged from life, half dead inside & as if you are just going through the motions. I think the broken leg analogy is a good one. Don't beat yourself up for feeling this way - like all things, it will pass. When I was really low, I planned imaginary holidays on the net - looked at hotels etc - places I wanted to go but he wasn't interested in - southern India, Sri Lanka. You can kill hours looking at restored old tea plantations now guesthouses & river boats etc etc. I will even do it next year I think! Hang in there - it will get better
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almostmarried

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« Reply #7 on: February 22, 2013, 03:18:13 PM »

I remember days and weeks when my BPD (w/NPD traits)-exwife was giving me the silent treatment... .  and I felt lonely,despite being in a "relationship".I remember especially one day,when I was walking alone (again) through S.D.,feeling totally down and watching other couples,happy couples, and then getting envious about them,for being so... .  "normal".

After the breakup with her I realized that nothing had changed.I feel lonely,now,alone... .  and I felt lonely in the relationship.

What kind of "relationship" was that?

Here is the answer:

It was all fake.No emotions from her side,no empathie,no love,no nothing.

It was always about her,her,her,her,her,her... .  then again her.

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hithere
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« Reply #8 on: February 22, 2013, 03:25:35 PM »

Excerpt
It's awful trying to do "things" & engage with others socially when you feel disengaged from life,

I agree it is not easy but there is scientific evidence supporting the credo:

Fake it till you make it!
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seeking balance
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« Reply #9 on: February 22, 2013, 03:42:28 PM »

I am going to share what I learned in spending these times alone.

I learned that I really am OK alone.  I learned that loneliness won't kill me.  I learned to actually like being alone as I revitalized my spirit, my energy my emotions.

I learned I don't need to depend on anyone else for my happiness.

As I let friends in, I learned which ones were energy vampires and which ones were good for my spirit.

Finally, when I started dating again - I realized early on, I don't "need" to be around anyone - I am ok alone, so I am able to look at a potential relationship through healthy "hole" eyes - not out of need or loneliness.

Embrace these weekends - cry, feel - they are important to healing.  It won't be like this forever and once you have had enough alone time, you will venture out into the real world again - a whole new world

Hang in there,

SB
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Faith does not grow in the house of certainty - The Shack
MakeItHappen
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« Reply #10 on: February 22, 2013, 04:01:39 PM »

It was all fake.No emotions from her side,no empathie,no love,no nothing.

It was always about her,her,her,her,her,her... .  then again her.

sorry to say but, you're right. i've been busy ALL week and here i am, friday night. sad to be alone but, knowing, being with her was more alone.

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MakeItHappen
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« Reply #11 on: February 22, 2013, 04:05:51 PM »

anyone have ideas on how to find what makes you "tick" again?

i spent so much time with my exBPD i am worn out and have forgotten what makes me tick... .  

i know it's temporary but, dang... .  it sucks.
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maria1
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« Reply #12 on: February 22, 2013, 04:28:08 PM »

Hi Hamkrakow

I very clearly remember weekends at the beginning where I just felt awful. I do think it's important to feel the feelings and grieve the relationship that you lost. However bad the relationship got you lost the hope of a future and you have to grieve it. The only way out is through I'm afraid.

BUT one little big thing that helped me was forcing myself out just once during those weekends to connect with people. All my friends were busy with kids and families and I didn't want to be around people I knew. Just an interaction with a stranger at the checkout or smiling at a passing stranger helped me through. Humanity is a strong force and it helped me to just connect through little moments. And I walked, and that helped me more than anything.

Be kind to yourself. This takes time 

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broken but not beaten
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« Reply #13 on: February 22, 2013, 04:53:59 PM »

I agree with sb,I spend wkends alone but I embrace that time to look hard at myself. Admittedly I don't feel sociable right now but I go to work and function as normal as I can right now,that's ok to allow that of myself. As sb said I know I'm ok alone,I was before last r/ship and I will be after,it just takes time and we all heal differently and at our own pace. These experiences turn us upside down and inside out and sometimes alone time helps us to get our bearings again,just take each day as it comes,small steps at first and you will build yourself up gradually and come out stronger on the other side
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charred
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« Reply #14 on: February 22, 2013, 05:00:07 PM »

If you are going to ruminate on it anyway, why not do something constructive... .  I read Eckart Tolle's "A New Earth" on the recommendation of my T, it is on mindfulness exercises. You can learn to quit stressing out and ruminating about it, and start accepting and moving on. Its cheap and useful. If you can get away from being wrapped up in the past or worrying about the future... .  you can relax and be present, and stand a much better chance of finding your way toward a less lonely weekend... if not this one, maybe the next one.

I am in same place in a way, but am comfortable being alone or doing something now... and the pain is tiny compared to what it once was.
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Clearmind
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« Reply #15 on: February 22, 2013, 06:31:21 PM »

Finally, when I started dating again - I realized early on, I don't "need" to be around anyone - I am ok alone, so I am able to look at a potential relationship through healthy "hole" eyes - not out of need or loneliness.

Embrace these weekends - cry, feel - they are important to healing.  It won't be like this forever and once you have had enough alone time, you will venture out into the real world again - a whole new world

I agree with your entire post SB and especially this... .  It was my inability to be OK with me, and being alone that got me into a BPD r/s - he wanted me 24 x 7 and then some - I never felt alone in those early days - loved being idealised .

If we have the ability to be alone and be OK with it - we really do see r/s, friendships with a whole new perspective.

What also helped me was to fake til I made it - I pushed myself to go out on the occasion - create new memories for myself to replace those ones from my r/s. Unconsciously we can keep ourselves in a mode where we feel defeated - this is a state of mind.
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Cimbaruns
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« Reply #16 on: February 22, 2013, 06:46:49 PM »

I agree with Clearmind... .  

Sometimes we can keep ourselves in that "state" where we ruminate and are reluctant to feel what we are actually going through... .  

I think "acceptance " is key too... .  working on that and being in the moment with ALL that we are feeling... .  even the aloneness.

Also as Maria 1 said... .  sometimes just getting out and connecting with people we don't even really know... .  smiling... .  and/or paying it forward so to speak. I find this gets me to feeling really good about who I am... .  something that may have been missing when I was spending so much time and energy on my R/S with my exBPDw... .  

Make it a great weekend ... .  with even the littlest steps it'll lift your spirits... .  

Big hugs... .  
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LuckyEscapee
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« Reply #17 on: February 22, 2013, 06:56:32 PM »

Alone and healing vs not alone and hurting, essentially it's your choice.

Plus you're not exactly alone with all these caring responses 
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Rose Tiger
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« Reply #18 on: February 22, 2013, 07:22:23 PM »

This is cheerful, if anybody does anything like this please post!

www.youtube.com/watch?v=eVVXtknZVf0

This one is SO Cool!

www.youtube.com/watch?v=ft8GNg4wyIk
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WT
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« Reply #19 on: February 22, 2013, 09:02:18 PM »

I wanted to throw my hat into the newly single mix and I also don't know what to do with myself during my free time.  Before I met my ex-gf, all of my close friends were single and lived nearby, so going out and hanging out with them wasn't a problem.  After 7+ years with my ex-gf, almost everyone is now in a long-term relationship or married but me, and I don't exactly want to be anyone's third wheel, so it's harder for me to hang out with them.  I also used to have a lot of single female friends that I liked to hang out with one-on-one platonically, but now they're all in long-term relationships as well.  I'm used to my ex-gf filling our weekends to the gills with activities, and now it's just me.  I'm ok with being alone, but I think that I need to figure out a way to meet new people to hang out with just to be social again.
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crashintome
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« Reply #20 on: February 22, 2013, 09:03:19 PM »

This is my first weekend after *yet another* split. 

It's sucks.  It's sad and lonely and I keep checking my phone and email. 

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Mountaineagle
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« Reply #21 on: February 22, 2013, 09:54:49 PM »

anyone have ideas on how to find what makes you "tick" again?

i spent so much time with my exBPD i am worn out and have forgotten what makes me tick... .  

i know it's temporary but, dang... .  it sucks.

Visit yourself in a time of your life where you where happy. What did you do? Why don't you do it anymore?

I went as far back to childhood, when I loved to play video games. The old me would find it silly to play video games again, but this has made me tick again. New video games are really advanced compared to then, but there is a indie "retro games" movement that is really cool. I have bought computer parts and plan to build a gaming pc. Never done that before. This project is my new hobby, and researching this has kept me occupied and saved me a lot of ruminating. The parts will arrive on tuesday and I am actually feeling excited again. This alone is worth the money for me, so everything else like getting a new pc will be a bonus!  Smiling (click to insert in post)

It seems a waste of time first, but there is always something there in your past that has a spark to make you tick again. "Search and you shall find!"  Smiling (click to insert in post)

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LuckyEscapee
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« Reply #22 on: February 22, 2013, 10:14:46 PM »

At first I was so so tired and washed out. I slept for days. Then I buried myself in work. Then I realised in a random moment that whatever downer I was in, it wasn't the crazy crazy misery I had experienced and that should be celebration enough. I got a box, named it my celebration box (creative not) and would pop in things that I wanted to do. magazines to read, books, DVD box sets. Wine I wanted to enjoy, takeaway menus or recipes to try out. Then when I came home from work to an empty home, feeling lost and lonely I used to either do nothing happily or get something out of the box.

The trick for me was that I was 24/7 conditioned to meeting someone else's needs, to bringing a rare smile to his face, that in the process I had lost myself. I was forever in mode: what does he like? what does he want? I had to relearn what I liked/wanted from scratch almost.

What would you put in your box?
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charred
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« Reply #23 on: February 23, 2013, 12:29:09 AM »

I was married over 20 yrs... last really was out trying to get chicks probably 25 yrs ago... and the places I used to go... .  have been closed for years. Had to change my approach... online dating sights, friends of family, school, classes, work, meetups, non-drinking clubs of various types... basically being out doing something you enjoy doing anyway... so you are happy, confident and having a good time, where lots of ladies are... .  the rest just happens... .  forcing it and drinking and partying hard... .  okay for drunk one night stands... .  seems like good way to find another BPD person... .  the thought keeps me clear of it.
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maria1
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« Reply #24 on: February 23, 2013, 01:39:24 AM »

I know the phone thing too- that's an addiction that needs breaking and it's hard. The only way to do that is to put your phone away or turn it off. The checking is as much of an addiction as anything. We are looking for the intermittent reinforcement we constantly got before.

It's gone and we need to keep telling ourselves we don't want it back and why not. And distract ourselves with other, real, positive stuff.
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Iced
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« Reply #25 on: February 23, 2013, 04:06:19 AM »

Depression - and having absolutely NOTHING to do with anybody in my life either past or present - has been a familiar companion for me for some years now and I totally get the whole, 'half dead', 'walking zombie', 'barely functional at times' feelings.

It's so damned hard to DO things that you enjoy much less do things just for distraction and if the lack of familiarity (NC for example) is destabilizing, then you're also saddled with the whole, "How do I get over this?" feeling which have their own other related feelings.

I think most - if not all - of us have been through something like this.  I also know that a lot of us have also climbed back out of that place, too.

It's okay to feel like crap and it's okay to miss someone who meant (and possibly continues to mean) a lot to you and it's okay to cry, scream, and just FEEL how lousy it all makes you feel.

But don't let the feelings get you started on the hamster wheel.

Not related to my ARGHHH+Depressed feelings after NCing from my fwBPD, I have found that remembering, revisiting, and establishing hobbies and likes that are 'personal' and have little to nothing to do with other people (or rather, other people do not affect your enjoyment of said hobbies or likes because you like it simply because you do) can be helpful.

It's both something YOU enjoy (or previously enjoyed if you're depressed and have a hard time finding enjoyment in things) and something personal TO YOU.
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HarmKrakow
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« Reply #26 on: February 23, 2013, 06:46:36 AM »

At first I was so so tired and washed out. I slept for days. Then I buried myself in work. Then I realised in a random moment that whatever downer I was in, it wasn't the crazy crazy misery I had experienced and that should be celebration enough. I got a box, named it my celebration box (creative not) and would pop in things that I wanted to do. magazines to read, books, DVD box sets. Wine I wanted to enjoy, takeaway menus or recipes to try out. Then when I came home from work to an empty home, feeling lost and lonely I used to either do nothing happily or get something out of the box.

The trick for me was that I was 24/7 conditioned to meeting someone else's needs, to bringing a rare smile to his face, that in the process I had lost myself. I was forever in mode: what does he like? what does he want? I had to relearn what I liked/wanted from scratch almost.

What would you put in your box?

I'm currently doing the 'burying in work' method which solves issues while working. However ... it doesn't when you get back home. So I noticed quickly enough that its purely short term solution to this mess.

And btw, the loneliness I wrote down last night here, was because i was in NC with a (STILL AT THE TIME) r/s with my gf w BPD as we didn't discuss anything in regards of this. This morning at 7.55 I got an email from her that it's over for 'earlier discussed reasons' and that we shouldnt play around anymore in regards of what we have or what we 'dont have'. This was the last sentence of that mail;

I don't intend to crash you with mails like that, you should be strong and rational enough to know something like this was coming. If you are not well, too bad.

... since this morning when i read it i slipped into a worse modus. I've had enough of everything, especially of myself, that I allowed to let her walk over me and let my boundaries slip and let her rip me apart, physically, mentally in the pile of ~ i am right now...   :'(
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MakeItHappen
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« Reply #27 on: February 23, 2013, 07:48:16 AM »

I got a box, named it my celebration box (creative not) and would pop in things that I wanted to do. magazines to read, books, DVD box sets. Wine I wanted to enjoy, takeaway menus or recipes to try out. Then when I came home from work to an empty home, feeling lost and lonely I used to either do nothing happily or get something out of the box.

The trick for me was that I was 24/7 conditioned to meeting someone else's needs, to bringing a rare smile to his face, that in the process I had lost myself. I was forever in mode: what does he like? what does he want? I had to relearn what I liked/wanted from scratch almost.

What would you put in your box?

THIS is GREAT! Thanks for your thoughts and sharing your experience.

Very good question too. Now I know what I'll be doing today.

Smiling (click to insert in post)

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Vegasskydiver
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« Reply #28 on: February 23, 2013, 10:03:14 AM »

After a full week of work, hours and hours of not having to think of the BPD person in our life, it has yet begun... weekend!

I just came home, after a week of barely thinking about her, but now yet again almost not being able to keep up my tears. I don't have the energy to do something else, it's another bed-sit-weekend hoping to get more emotionally healthy.

Anyone else? Never felt so lonely in my life man, blergh 

I feel your pain.  My week was busy too...   Thursday went to a court hearing because I had to ask that a protective order that I had against exBPDbf be extended for one year. My case is unique in that I was not in fear of physical violence, but my ex hacked into my computer and iphone.  He claims that his Special Ops Army friends have given him the ability to see everything that I do.  He has provided me with enough evidence that I believe that somehow he is doing this.  Anyhoo, my ex hired a lawyer to say that I have made this all up and is suing me for his attorney fees.  The judge laughed at him and dismissed the case but also denied the continuation of my protective order.  Mean while I have a computer forensics lab going through three years of data on my computer.  The process can take months.  I am exhausted to say the least.

Then why, when I have great friends and many things to keep me busy do I long for the very person who has cut me deeper than anyone else?  We broke up for the fourth time when he painted me black because I had just bought a new house and was caught up in the move and wasn't swooning over him.  He was so immature that he couldn't see that this was only temporary and even though I was busy,, it didn't mean that I didn't love him.  He did the same thing when my father died.  I asked for some time alone to mourn and his answer was "you obviously don't need me".  How selfish is that?  he had to make everything about him.

I know logically in my sound mind that no longer being in a relationship with this person is much more healthy... .  why can't I get my heart to beleive that as well?  It is making me question my own sanity



I have been NC for a month and I have been okay with that.  I have blocked his e-mail, phone calls, texts etc.  Why am I feeling so empty inside?
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LuckyEscapee
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« Reply #29 on: February 23, 2013, 03:32:43 PM »

Excerpt
... since this morning when i read it i slipped into a worse modus. I've had enough of everything, especially of myself

Sorry you are feeling this way. Sorry you got that mean communication. It isn't you. Believe me it isn't you!  This forum is here for you. 
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