SPLITTING: Are they/we really BPD?

[Depression = 72% of members]

One thing I've been wondering about from the posts that I've been reading is if our S/O others dealt with some level of abuse from us, would that mean that they are not necessarily BPD?

The reason I am questioning this is that from what we understand is that a person with BPD will split you black or white(good/bad). So logic would say that if we treat them badly they would split us black. Which begs the question, why did they stay afterward? Is it that they go back and forth(good/bad) along the splitting until they find a "new"" good attachment?

The other important thing I want to ask is if we are able to see the good and the bad at the same time and willing to still be with and love this person after they do "bad " to us, does that clear us from having BPD?

[wb1233]

One thing I've been wondering about from the posts that I've been reading is if our S/O others dealt with some level of abuse from us, would that mean that they are not necessarily BPD?

The reason I am questioning this is that from what we understand is that a person with BPD will split you black or white(good/bad). So logic would say that if we treat them badly they would split us black. Which begs the question, why did they stay afterward? Is it that they go back and forth(good/bad) along the splitting until they find a "new"" good attachment?

The other important thing I want to ask is if we are able to see the good and the bad at the same time and willing to still be with and love this person after they do "bad " to us, does that clear us from having BPD?

[mosaicbird]

So logic would say that if we treat them badly they would split us black.

Logic? Logic is not involved here. Splitting occurs because of a process going on in the subconscious of the pwBPD. It has NOTHING to do with you or your behavior.

That doesn't mean there can't be relationships in which there is abuse on both side (been there, done that), or that both partners cannot engage in splitting behaviors or mirroring. But trying to interpret a pwBPD's behavior through the logic of someone without is a losing proposition.

[waitaminute]

My exBPD split almost everyone. And while I could eventually see her imagined rational, there was no logic based on facts. She obsessed over what anyone who looked at her was thinking. She put them into some well defined boxes then. Also, for those closest to her, she cycled through which box they should be in. Good, evil, stupid, honest, vindictive, magical... .  

Friends, lovers, family, neighbors, people on the street

[Clearmind]

The reason I am questioning this is that from what we understand is that a person with BPD will split you black or white(good/bad).

pwBPD split themselves and project it onto you. Splitting is a maladaptive coping skill from past trauma - the r/s with us and others are a catalyst for splitting.

We can split too . Many of our posts here are B&W - meaning we split the Borderline as black - "she did this to me" and back to white - "but I love them so much"... .  I'm not suggesting you do this wb - however splitting is common among many folks who have poor coping skills split.

For a healthy minded person - they don't react if a person projects - they have the self worth to not get involved or question themselves - they certainly wouldn't mistake it for caring.

So logic would say that if we treat them badly they would split us black. Which begs the question, why did they stay afterward? Is it that they go back and forth(good/bad) along the splitting until they find a "new"" good attachment?

Push/pull is splitting - BPDs cannot hold two opposing thoughts about you - they will oscillate wildly between painting you black and white. Reminding ourselves that part of the DSM is unstable relationships - this is the reason why.

The other important thing I want to ask is if we are able to see the good and the bad at the same time and willing to still be with and love this person after they do "bad " to us, does that clear us from having BPD?

To balance this out - sometimes we can't see good/bad at the same time - because many us also split.

We stay for a variety of reasons and much of it is because they split us. The highs and lows, push/pull and painting of black and white is addictive - its a roller coaster ride. We are idealised, we are split black and we try our hardest to be placed back onto that pedestal. We push/pull too. We push them away when we are yelled/screamed at and then we beg, borrow and steal to gain back their affection.

WB, I didn't love my ex - I even disliked him. However there were strong hooks - I know what those hooks are now. What we had in common was a 'trauma bond' - we each brought our own version of disfunction.

For me personally, it all seemed to be about chemistry, good looks, that roller coaster ride of highs/lows and conditioning ~ that very little was actually about "us". When relating together on regular terms about, finances, moving forward, morals, ethics, trust, without the dazzle of chemistry and magical thinking, his personality actually bugged me. Which is completely diametric to all of the feelings that swirled around me. Confusing huh! There is a reason for it.

Part of detaching is realizing that what we thought we had, we didn't, what we thought we loved we didn't - we need to redefine what love actually is - its possibility not push/pull - although we rode that wave and hung on tight - our ex's filled a need for us as well - is this love? True intimacy? What need was she filing in you - that you cannot fill for yourself.