What the hell just happened

[cal644]

OK - so my soon to be uBPD wife came over to get some of our household items.  She was crying and having a tough time and I asked her if this is sure what she wanted and she new what I needed to work on our relationship.  All hell broke lose - she' like just keep everything in the house, i don't want any of it, I don't want anything, I don't want any reminders.  She has told me she's sad, lonely, broke, and homeless.  But then I try to make peace and all hell breaks loose.  What the hell just happened?

[charred]

Sounds like a poorly thought out temper tantrum of a 3 yr old... in other words, normal for a pwBPD.

And I assume you mean soon to be uBPD Exwife... .  you have posted that you are married... you are not kicking out your soon to be wife I presume?

[cal644]

OMG - your right! it was just like a three year old.  She can't think clearly - super pissed.  I texted her to calm down, breathe, think about what she's doing or saying and text me in the morning. 

[seeking balance]

Cal,

She was sad and dysregulated... .  you tried to read her mind and problem solve based on what you wanted.

Why do you think things are going to change if you refuse to use communication tools that work?

What is it that you want here?  To vent? To detach? To learn to communicate?

Nothing about what you wrote was validating to her emotions... .  kinda like how I just responded to you, right?  Now, if you were pwBPD insert tantrum here... .  

Cal, you have a child together, learn some skills from the staying board if for no other reason than your daughter.

SB

[cal644]

Actually - if things could work out to communicate - but I think I need to detach now.  The other day she sent this huge text about missing me - how screwed up she was - about seeing us back together - so it got my hope up - how she knew what she threw away - how she regretted losing her best friend (me).  With her emotions today I assumed she was having regrets and wanted to try throwing another white flag (stupid as all my other attempts) - I wish someone could just tell me what to do - I know the best would be to detach - but then I get my hope up and try to reconsile.  I'm so lost - I don't know what to do.

[seeking balance]

Actually - if things could work out to communicate - but I think I need to detach now.  The other day she sent this huge text about missing me - how screwed up she was - about seeing us back together - so it got my hope up - how she knew what she threw away - how she regretted losing her best friend (me).  With her emotions today I assumed she was having regrets and wanted to try throwing another white flag (stupid as all my other attempts) - I wish someone could just tell me what to do - I know the best would be to detach - but then I get my hope up and try to reconsile.  I'm so lost - I don't know what to do.

Ok... .  so then why did you try to fix her crying by asking if she still wanted the relationship?

Lets get real here Cal... .  what did you think was going to happen with this line of questioning of her?

I am telling you do nothing, stop making it worse... let her figure her stuff out.  Quit trying to read her mind based on what you want.

Deal with your own emotions, whatever they are.    There is no right or wrong answer and the path is the same right now, stop the conflict so you can detach.  If I go look at your posts all 160+, you seem to be keeping attached by any means at your disposal... .  getting emotional reactions out of her, even bad ones, is feeding you and keeping you tied.

How can you let go and let her be?  She has told you repeatedly that you have posted about here, she doesn't want to be with you now and you should let her go... .  those are the words you have posted here.  Her tears are hers, not yours to fix.  If you cannot be around her without assuming, stop being around her.  With ANY relationship, ask, don't assume what someone thinks or feels, this is very basic.

Cal... .  save yourself, I think you are a good guy that is really hurt.  This will continue until you change how you handle contact with her.

What does tour therapist say to you when you tell these stories?  How does your T think you should detach?

[cal644]

Your right. Another friend who has went through this with a BPD exw has said I've got to start seeing with my eyes and not my heart.  My T says that it is an illness she will never overcome and that I need to detach and not look back.  You are also right I am probably one of the most caring and compassionate people you'd know - that's why I can't understand why she would throw it all away.  Your also right where her tears are her own - I think she has big regrets, I think she knows what she's throwing away.  But it is not my job to try to understand her or to fix her or comfort her.  It's just soo damn hard to see her in pain - I still want to try to help her.  When she was crying I tried to give her a little hug and she stiffened up like a dog about to be beat.  She said she's scared of me when I wouldn't harm her in any way - again somehow I became her trigger to her past abuse.  I've read time and time again how it affects their mind - but I keep thinking how could she live with me the majority of her life and still revert back to her past.  Everyone tells me to detach - but it's just soo damn hard

[seeking balance]

If everything you say is true, let go simply because you do love her.  Unfair, but you are the source of her pain in her mind.

Think about the old story about the boy with the butterfly... .  if he keeps it trapped in a box it will surely die.  If you love something, let it go and set it free. I have to tell you, she is in therapy, the only way she is going to heal is to fix herself.

Love her and love yourself by letting her save her and you save you.  You focus so much on her pain in your last post... .  do you not see how much pain you are in by holding on so tightly?

If you are not capable of being around her without making it worse, well then love her enough to not subject her to the pain... .  know your limitations.  I had friends with me as did my ex anytime we needed contact while divorcing... .  it was my way to insure not to be the cause of any more pain.

Love means we don't want to see our partner hurt... .  unfortunately the way BPD works, we become the cause of their deepest pain.  Love her enough to let go cal.

[Cumulus]

Thank you both cal and sb, your words and thoughts resonated with me as well. Cal, I can't tell you how many times I said to my xBPDh, "don't be that man that people talk about and say he had it all and threw it all away". He would say I know you're right. But he kept on with the inappropriate behaviours and actions. I could show him and tell him what he was doing and saying to hurt me, to hurt his children and he would say yes, you're right. I'll try harder.  But he never changed. I tried so hard to make him change. I tried to give him the tools and understanding to change. But he never changed. Seeing those words, let go because you love them, that understanding is what finally brought me some peace and the ability to let go of some of the guilt that I had because I couldn't help him.

[cal644]

I will never fully understand this illness.  What they crave the most and are given they cannot accept.  When their behavior and choices are inappropriate they take all the hate and anger out on us.  A true healthy person would know how to fix this easily, and know what they are throwing away - but I cannot ever understand how the person who loves them cares for them and provides for them becomes the trigger and reason for all of their pain and suffering.

[Cumulus]

Oh Cal, I know I will never be able to understand this illness either. Maybe you have to have had and recovered from BPD in order to really understand the emotions there. Some of  the posts written by recovered pwBPD have been enlightening for me.

I finally understood the reason I was the trigger for his pain and suffering was because I allowed it. I was a safe place to dump, I took it all, didn't retaliate with words or actions and would comfort him and tell him together we'll get through this.

We got through a lot. He exhibited most of the destructive behaviours that are talked about in regard to BPD. The exception was substance abuse.

He, no matter the help I tried to give, or maybe in spite of the help I tried to give, was set on his own path of destruction. And still is. Now I feel loathing for what he is, sorrow that he hasn't changed. To save myself I had to divorce him, not just legally but in my mind as well. And to move past the guilt of not being able to help him. SB said it best, the pwBPD is not just bad for us, we are bad for them.

[seeking balance]

I will never fully understand this illness.  What they crave the most and are given they cannot accept.  When their behavior and choices are inappropriate they take all the hate and anger out on us.  A true healthy person would know how to fix this easily, and know what they are throwing away - but I cannot ever understand how the person who loves them cares for them and provides for them becomes the trigger and reason for all of their pain and suffering.

Cal,

You understand this perfectly - your problem is in believing it is true.Why are you having such a hard time accepting the truth of the disorder?  You have the facts... .  

Let me give you this example, smoking is a cause of lung cancer.  You smoke for years and develop lung cancer, then you tell the dr., certainly it wasn't the smoking that caused it - why do I need to change my habits?

If you can get out of denial and accept she has major traits of the disorder and accept YOU have to change how you communicate with her, your life will be less volatile.  You are as much of the problem as she is - you have the facts in front of you, but you are still smoking anyways. 

If you want to save your marriage, you have to change big time.  If you want to divorce, but still parent in a less conflicting manner, you have to change big time.  If you want to STOP HURTING HER, you have to change big time.  Do you see a common theme here?

[cal644]

Yes - I have to change.  I wish they had a crash course in this so I could learn how to change.  Right.  How do you recommend I change - especially the communication - I've read some of the stuff on here but are there any good books.  Also, is it worth the change?  Since you have been through it or for anyone who has been through it - is it worth the change?

[seeking balance]

Yes - I have to change.  I wish they had a crash course in this so I could learn how to change.  Right.  How do you recommend I change - especially the communication - I've read some of the stuff on here but are there any good books.  Also, is it worth the change?  Since you have been through it or for anyone who has been through it - is it worth the change?

Staying Board, Parenting after a divorce Board - PRACTICE THE SKILLS

You have all the info needed for a crash course, choosing to practice using it is up to you.  The successful people write out scripts before talking. 

What do you mean is it worth the change?  You have a kid with her and you have the power to not make things worse, meaning be better for you kid  - how would that not be worth a change?

Honestly Cal - I spent a lot of time on the staying board, not posting, but reading and learning and I actively used the skills during the mandatory settlement conference phase of my divorce - if you can learn to control your own emotions (detach) - this is required for stayers too - accept the facts and stop assuming.  You have been posting this same stuff for a month now - change starts with you.

I vividly remember in MC it hitting me, for things to change I have to change - I can only control me.    Isn't your T giving you homework/exercises to help yourself? 

[cal644]

Round 2 - I started receiving texts this morning how she hated me and wanted nothing from the house.  I told her a lot of the items where hers and belonged to her.  Long story short - she came over - I started by saying I was sorry for my actions yesterday and that ?I realized this has to be an emotional time for her as she is sad, lonly and currently is living with her sister.  I told her that I didn't know what that would feel like but it must be rough.  We started going through the things and she was still aggressive - I allowed her to have what she wanted and she said she was just going to sell them anyway since she didn't want any memories.  I as always remained calm - most of the day was pretty abusive still but I just took it and kept saying how this has to be tough on her and I wouldn't know how it feels.  By the end of the day - she did give me a semi appology and said how bad she felt.  We actually decided to go complete NC for one week so that she can think if this is what she really wants.  But this is the second time this week I have actually seen a little hope - the other was a huge manifesto text she sent.  The tools did help me today to keep my sainity and actually have some "normal" converstaion.