Help us with NC: Proposal

[glacier_glider]

Hi All!

This is my very first post here.

You guys are awesome!

I think this forum alone helped me the most.

And it will in the future.

This is way more effective for me than therapy, books, friends and family combined.

Therapy will not help me, please don't ask why.

Books? A book is written by a person who most likely has not experienced what you've gone through.

Family and friends... .  you know. Nobody, NOBODY will understand your pain except for all of you - you, those who have (had) been blessed with a Borderline significant other in their life.

THANK YOU ALL!

I went from hopeless to almost functional in about 2 weeks just by reading your forum.

I'll post some relevant parts of the four year long horror later.

But first thing's first.

For those of us suffering through NC who find it difficult sometimes. Especially on Friday and Saturday nights.

Can I be explicit here?

At this point, she (he) is sleeping with the replacement.

Your Wisdom tells you that it's over and you have no business to be even thinking about that. But... .  We are not machines. The emotions do take over sometimes.

And you have the urge. You get your car keys on a Friday or Saturday night and you go. Nothing can stop you at this point.

You hope that you'll see dark windows and empty driveway.

No! You see some stranger's car parked on the driveway where your car used to be parked.

You are trying to achieve some clarity.

And you get it. Clarity. The pain is beyond anything you can describe or compare with.

Just when you thought you felt much better and could handle anything, you are totally destroyed. Silently. Alone. And there is nothing you can do about that. It will take you days, weeks or months to become what you were just before you stuck your car key into the ignition lock and turned it.

Or it could be a phone call. Or a text. Or an e-mail. Any type of contact can result in horrible pain.

So... .  

How about some topic here that we keep alive and post to when we feel this insane urge to contact them? We MUST post to it and hopefully someone replies and asks "WHY?" Why call, text, drive? If it cannot be prevented, at least it can be postponed. See what I'm saying?

[Want2know]

Welcome to our site!  Glad it has been helpful.  I look forward to your Introduction post on our New Members board so we can understand a bit more information regarding your situation.

Regarding the urge to contact them... .  

I think part of it is habit.  We've been with them in some kind of deeply enmeshed relationship for long enough that it's only natural to want to have contact.

The other part is to hopefully get some understanding as to the 'whys'.  Why they behave like they do, why it didn't work out, etc.

Hopefully you will get some answers here regarding the 'whys', as it will not come from her.  She does not have the capability to explain in a rational manner.

Does any of this ring true for you?

[glacier_glider]

Hey, Want2know!

Thanks for the response!

Where is the intro section? I could not find it.

My story is "unique" but after reading this forum I thought it's an identical copy of everyone else's, male of female. Yeah, I'd be happy to think of some unique features of it and post it.

I know, we all know the "whys". But when the urge takes over, forget the common sense.

At least one can (hopefully) come here, post and wait for some support before giving up.

This is why I thought we'd be here (at least some of us) to help each other before making the contact (over the phone, in person, texting or e-mailing).

[Want2know]

Intro section is here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=5.0.  Just some background of your relationship situation with your person with BPD, and where you are today is a good thing to post there. 

The urge... .  oh yes.  I understand that urge.  There is something that we refer to here as Wise Mind.  Take a look at this link: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=64749.0.  Basically, it's about addressing that urge, or the emotion behind it, and applying your logical mind to make a more balanced, wise decision.  You probably do this and don't even realize it.  That urge will diminish as you start to detach from the relationship and focus on what you need to grow and become more mentally balanced.

Posting here helps!  I've been a member for 3 years.  When I first came here I posted my thoughts and urges often, and the members here were great in centering me.

[waitaminute]

It's an addiction. Fortunately I don't have that problem. Unfortunately I've replaced my obsession with her with tobacco and gambling. I thank God I didn't pick up any illegal addictions. But still, this stuff is killing me. Did not have this problem before I broke the relationship off 4 months ago. But the way it hits you is very similar to how you describe "get your keys... .  and go". The addiction is in control until you get your fix.

Ironically, it helps me understand why my exBPDgf had so much difficulty regulating her behavior when she was feeling empty. And I think I understand this idea of "shame" and "self loathing" that I've read is common among BPD. I never understood it before.

Maybe my therapist can help.