Need to talk & be heard

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Im lost... .  reality is finally setting in that my exBPD is really gone.  Been a long drawn out, crual battle of freezing me out, devalue & discard.  The smear campaign lasted a whole yr & was very bad & debilitating.  Now that the drama is gone & indirect contact has ceased, i feel a new prison.  Loneliness, contempt, rejection, hurt, wondering if im all those bad things she said to destroy me.  Im left with no friends & everyone is skeptical of me. 

All i tried for all this time is closure, get my stuff back & offered peace, a chance to redeem herself that she never took.  So im a "psycho" & didnt deserve even a moment to express myself. 

Strung out for mos supporting her, waiting for her to finally "talk".  Broken promises & i was loyal.  What a price to pay for "loving somebody" unconditionally.  All my investment in the trash & im not even human.  Hell, i dont even exist to her anymore.  Is this my closure?  If so, its hard to accept.  Never being heard & talking to a brick wall.  Object constancy placed me 100s of miles away,just where she wanted me to stay so she could forget who i am.  Ive become the epitome of something she can despise & man, does it burn. 

Pick myself up, focus on me.  But how when it feels she stole my identity & all my friends? 

[Whitefang]

Im lost... .  reality is finally setting in that my exBPD is really gone.  Been a long drawn out, crual battle of freezing me out, devalue & discard.  The smear campaign lasted a whole yr & was very bad & debilitating.  Now that the drama is gone & indirect contact has ceased, i feel a new prison.  Loneliness, contempt, rejection, hurt, wondering if im all those bad things she said to destroy me.  Im left with no friends & everyone is skeptical of me. 

All i tried for all this time is closure, get my stuff back & offered peace, a chance to redeem herself that she never took.  So im a "psycho" & didnt deserve even a moment to express myself. 

Strung out for mos supporting her, waiting for her to finally "talk".  Broken promises & i was loyal.  What a price to pay for "loving somebody" unconditionally.  All my investment in the trash & im not even human.  Hell, i dont even exist to her anymore.  Is this my closure?  If so, its hard to accept.  Never being heard & talking to a brick wall.  Object constancy placed me 100s of miles away,just where she wanted me to stay so she could forget who i am.  Ive become the epitome of something she can despise & man, does it burn. 

Pick myself up, focus on me.  But how when it feels she stole my identity & all my friends? 

[mango_flower]

I feel your pain.

I really do.

One thing that is helping me at the moment is to focus on all the bad things, the walking on eggshells, stories that didn't add up.

I have a tendency to idolize her and look back through rose tinted glasses.  And that is never good.

Focusing on the bad doesn't help the loneliness, that I know.

Read stories from people who have made it through to the other side and are now happy with a new partner who is not BPD!  That keeps me going... .  

Also, if you imagine your life in 6 months you still feel sad and wonder what could have been.  But if you imagine it in 5 years, with a new, functional partner, thinking of how you dodged a bullet, that can help too. x

[Whitefang]

Mangoflower thanks!

I haven't seen her in almost 2yrs already but we played the long, stupid detachment game.  Jabbing at each other, focusing on the toxic drama, staying at each others throats.  Repeated rejection.  I swear she wakes up daily with hating me on her mind.  I always knew this was gonna be the most intense thing of my life.  The passion shes spent despising me had me either  thinking   it was gonna result in her coming back in a fit of fury for the best makeup sex ever or whats actually happened:  she considers me dead & gone.

The whole obj constancy thing made me think i should stay in her face, even negatively bc i didnt want to be forgotten.  I never woke up hating her like i think she wanted & went out of her way to test me.  But when i got angry, she denied me the right to say how it felt.  So i feel my feelings trapped inside with nowhere to go.

No closure.  No goodbye.  No explanation.  Just withdrawing silence til i became a "psycho" wanting answers.  Had she told me ONCE to get lost, i wouldn't feel like such a loser now.  So i resent being played.  Made to look stupid then consequently destroyed socially. 

Anybody else admit to the withdrawal from all the drama (finally)?  Why do i still think shes coming back?  How do you know when theyre really "done"?  Ive tried to date other ppl & cant give anything back to anybody else.  The BPD woman screwed me up good.  I feel like a careless a*hole to ppl now, like i dont care if i hurt them now.  Never like this before.  The uncertainty, never having finality, cheated out of the steps to closure, blasted me clear off the page. 

I wanna be heard & she aint listening.  Not going to & its made me insane.  I gave her way too much.  I lost myself while she took off thinking she "won" something.  Im not her enemy, told her that, but her perception is totally different.  How do they forget yrs of real things?

[GreenMango]

HHTB has it been two years since you've talked to her too?  You mentioned 2 years not seeing her. 

[Whitefang]

April will be 2yrs since ive seen her.  Sept 2011 last time we had a civil phone conversation.  All email & social sites since then.  Lots of silent treatment, no answers, disappearing, mixed msgs, messing with my head.  Last communication was 2wks ago when she told me in public she had no feelings left besides contempt.  Before that, i was led to believe she was still just "depressed" & "figuring things out".  So i replied with "ok not another word then".  Next day i had a msg that said "another word"... .  so immature.  I deleted my acct. 

[GreenMango]

It's been a long time without contact.  More than a year... .  absence really doesn't make the heart grow finder in these cases.  Have you read the lessons?

It may be time to work towards grieving.