Was anything REAL? Or just a Mirage?

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

I am close to filing for divorce after 5 years... .  I am so sad.  Was any of the love, passion, emotion, closeness, good times, et al 'REAL'?  I just can't believe that it was all a mirage and I am questioning my decision to end my marriage.  I have filed several times before and gotten '~' into another try.  If I go ahead with it... .  it HAS to stick or I will have nothing of my self-respect left.

I am thankful for this message board and community.

[Aspenhigh]

I am close to filing for divorce after 5 years... .  I am so sad.  Was any of the love, passion, emotion, closeness, good times, et al 'REAL'?  I just can't believe that it was all a mirage and I am questioning my decision to end my marriage.  I have filed several times before and gotten '~' into another try.  If I go ahead with it... .  it HAS to stick or I will have nothing of my self-respect left.

I am thankful for this message board and community.

[mango_flower]

From what I read, it was real for that moment.  The same way a toddler means "I love you" or "I hate you" at any given time.

It's difficult when so many promises were broken, all those "I will love you forever"s and "I'll never leave you"s.  But at the time, they meant them with every ounce of their being.  Problem is, they then change and morph, and it makes you feel like it was all a lie.

Trust me, I've been there. And I'm still trying to make sense of it all.

If I think short term, I feel so sad at my life without her. But try and think longer term - in 5 years time, where do you see your life?  Do you see it with her? (and by this, I mean how she is acting NOW, not how she was in the honeymoon period).

Or would you like to be with somebody stable, kind, committed... .  who you don't have to caretake all the time?

[WT]

I had another response written up, but mango_flower said it much better than I did.  The toddler analogy is 100% true.  pwBPD aren't emotionally mature enough to sustain a normal relationship.  Everything always fluctuates between extremes, and they'll twist their own values and memories to fit whatever they're feeling at the time.

[Aspenhigh]

I am so confused and conflicted that it is hard to see anything clearly, short or long term.  I spent a fortune on counseling... .  trying to make sense of any of it.  I know that it is unhealthy for my family and I only have one left at home now.  He's getting tossed around quite a bit emotionally by her.

I was a widower with six kids and she was my slingshot out of a dark, buried place.  I believed it was real because I needed it to be so badly.  I was drowning after my deceased wife's cancer battle, death and dealing with my grieving kids.  I don't think that I ever grieved myself and now I am falling apart.  This doesn't change the wBPD part but it does make me question doing this now.

[apple]

JMO but I don't think anything is real within a relationship with a person with BPD. Their love is like a child's love which is based on their need and is one sided. When the need isn't being met or a boundary is set then it's a FIT and " I hate you"

JMO but real Love is not based on NEED

[Cimbaruns]

I agree totally with Mangoflower and WT.

They are only capable of making things fit for them as the situations warrant.

They live a life of extreme emotions... .  

I am close to going ahead with a divorce as well.

All the pain in the acceptance of what has to be is what I have to do... .  for ME.

I know that things will never change and that I can never fix them... .  

She was ... .  what I thought... .  the love of my life.

I hold onto what I thought was real and true when it came to how she loved me... .  but I know now after several recycles... .  it was mostly her needs that needed to be met... .  and not truly love as it should be... .  

I think of hard it must be for her... .  if its this hard for me... .  but 5 years from now I will be in a much healthier place... .  and so will you if you remain strong... .  

Much strength to you Aspenhigh

[just me.]

It is a matter of your definition of the word 'real'.  If a person makes a promise that they intend to keep, but then do not keep it... .  then was the promise 'real'?  If they say they love you and mean it, but don't understand what that means... .  then is that 'real'?

I think the tough, confusing answer is that it is partly yes, and partly no.

The moments you shared were real, and the emotions she expressed to you were most likely genuine.  The hard part is realizing that the emotions she was expressing were most likely skewed by her own internal distortions.  In my case, I can see that my uxBPDw and I shared a beautiful fantasy:  A fantasy in which she was healthy and she adored me and I adored her and we were both strong and everything was going to be okay.

It was beautiful in a way.  We shared that together, and that was real.

But it was only a fantasy.  And that part is real, too.


I am sorry you are falling apart.  It is a very tough transition from that fantasy world to this real one.  But things do make more sense on this side.  It's a relief to live solely in the real world once that transition is complete... .  tough though it may be.  We've all fallen apart on the way... .  but we make it.  You'll make it.

[Aspenhigh]

Thank you so much for your replies... .  I had a great wife and marriage for 21 years.  It was taken from me.  My deceased wife would be so ashamed of me for doing all of this to my kids, extended family and caring friends that saw us through hell.  I am somewhat isolated now.  Many will never forgive me for marrying my uBPDw and she has run pretty much everyone off that cared for my deceased wife... .  and the kids just don't want to come home with her around.  Ugh.

[WT]

In regards to the effect that your uBPDw has had on your relationships with others, it's all too familiar with me.  I had very few friends who enjoyed being around my ex.  She hardly ever tried to get to know any of my friends, and there were several that she alienated by misconstruing things that they said as insults.  I did share with my friends what was going on as far as BPD goes, so they were supportive and understood the tough situation that I was in, but once my relationship was over, they all basically congratulated me.

[Aspenhigh]

I hope that this will be true with my friends and family, WT.  Several of my closest friends and brother have seen me recycle many times and they, understandably, are a bit put out by my lack of resolve.  Frankly, I am too.  This is so out of character for me!  I am the hard-driving business guy running eight companies and I am accustomed to making tough decisions early.  However, with my uBPDw I am stuck, paralyzed, scared to tears to  go through this kind of painful loss again.  I am sure that she plays on that fear and I know that it is not healthy and that it is grinding away at my integrity and character.  I just don't know how to know that I won't get sucked back into it again.  Fantasy or not... .  I am in over my head and have outrun my coverage.

[apple]

I hope that this will be true with my friends and family, WT.  Several of my closest friends and brother have seen me recycle many times and they, understandably, are a bit put out by my lack of resolve.  Frankly, I am too.  This is so out of character for me!  I am the hard-driving business guy running eight companies and I am accustomed to making tough decisions early.  However, with my uBPDw I am stuck, paralyzed, scared to tears to  go through this kind of painful loss again.  I am sure that she plays on that fear and I know that it is not healthy and that it is grinding away at my integrity and character.  I just don't know how to know that I won't get sucked back into it again.  Fantasy or not... .  I am in over my head and have outrun my coverage.

COV A, B, &  C ?    JK

[sunrising]

However, with my uBPDw I am stuck, paralyzed, scared to tears to  go through this kind of painful loss again.  I am sure that she plays on that fear and I know that it is not healthy and that it is grinding away at my integrity and character.  

I can seriously relate to this statement.  My ex learned early on in our relationship that I was afraid of losing her and would react very emotionally to the threat of that happening.  She used that against me lots of times.  If I tried to talk to her about something she'd said or done which upset me, she would threaten to leave.  The conversation would then immediately shift from what she had done to upset me to me trying to keep her from leaving.  As a result, we never resolved a single thing in an adult, conversational setting.  

sunrising