Radical Acceptance

[RunLoLaRun]

I'd like to express much gratitude for this site in having such a wealth of information in understanding BPD. It has helped me tremendously for the last 3 months. After 15 years in a relationship and 8 in marriage it all started slowly unravelling 3 years ago but the last 7 months other signs creeped in with a major episode (with her sudden departure) and I was attempting to understand the odd behavior, dissociation and verbal assaults until I came here and found more resources. I was reading patterns of my life with her in past years with subtle situations coming up that I knew deep down something was off yet when I address this she would mirror the appropriate responses of the SO reassuring me it was just a phase or I was imagining it. Looking back I recall the responses didn't sit well with me. There were signs years ago but I assumed open communication and addressing issues would suffice. That wasn't the case by a long shot. I was married to a phantom. She was like a heat seeking missile coming in for a landing and I was the target the one available after her recent breakup. Looking back I did think it was odd the idealisation and seduction happened so quickly. I thought it was meant to be.

I can't even state she is currently a shadow of her former self. We are now separated after this major episode and taking care of business so I have to deal with her but from a distance as she is in another town. I suspect she is with another at this time.

What I like to mention to others here what really took me back in debating to continue any kind of relationship with her in the future was that after finally having my own personal space after all these years & I didn't realise until this separation was the invisible net/influence/seduction/mirroring of what she wanted me to see/she had over me  and my "obsession" to make her happy at all costs (co-dependent) the major one being my self. I can empathise that she really wanted to be all these wonderful qualities to gain approval and feel good about herself but that it all can change at a drop of a dime. Splitting did occur at times but she just said it was moodiness, so I let it go.

When I had the experience these last 7 months w/the barrage of  lies, denials, projections, avoidance, manipulation (triangulation (read definition) to pull me in) and the chase keeping me hooked in (realising that is what it was after reading it here) shortly after she left leaving me bewildered as to who this women really is and why conduct yourself in such a manner that the other party can not have closure to resume their life. I didn't realise how much of my energy was drained as a result of this. Now I am receiving the silent treatment. This is all in 7 months and I have been with her for 15 years. That is BPD for me in a nutshell.

I have to accept it and hope she will find a therapist. She is currently udBPD and possibly BP.

My commitment to myself is looking after me now going through the stages and addressing my own issues to have healthier relations. My judgement was so clouded all these years. I have to realise it is a condition and can look ahead. I will always wish her the best.  It does come down to making a choice if you know because eventually it will affect your life (you can't ignore it or you have to be really strong to deal with consequences of the behavior)  if it hasn't already. Your future choices will be affected as in my case I have painfully learned. And so I have to release it.

[Clearmind]

My commitment to myself is looking after me now going through the stages and addressing my own issues to have healthier relations. My judgement was so clouded all these years. I have to realise it is a condition and can look ahead. I will always wish her the best.  It does come down to making a choice if you know because eventually it will affect your life (you can't ignore it or you have to be really strong to deal with consequences of the behavior)  if it hasn't already. Your future choices will be affected as in my case I have painfully learned. And so I have to release it.

I really like that you are committed to working through your own stuff RunLoLaRun. My judgement was also very clouded and now being 18 months separated I see it all so clearly – my role and my partners role. It was a dysfunctional dance for two!

Understanding our role and empathizing with our partners really is radical acceptance.

Have you come up with any revelations into your own stuff?

Are you undecided if you want to reconcile or have you left?

[RunLoLaRun]

My stuff... Same pattern in attracting aspects of parents growing up in partners during my life. Same archetype different body suit. I must have a magnet bar on my forehead "here is a willing participant to dance the crazy dance"

I carried on some of the patterns of the dysfunctional dance and being in my own space I can recognize those clearly looking back. As far as the disrespectful behavior that I have witnessed and God knows what happened behind my back all these years, what can I do but accept that is a condition that is running that individual and I have to make a choice becoming aware of my responses, attitudes and actions towards them and ultimately towards myself. One pattern I recognised that she wanted me to be her example mirroring? of proper considerate (most of the time) behaviour and she always acknowledged that aspect in me. Now I am painted black and she is playing the victim turning the story on to me as if I have that condition. I have noticed that lately. I would assume that is projection and I do call her on it when it happens. Then she goes back saying she is emotionally messed up blah blah blah. Silent treatment again this week after a chameleon interaction this weekend which left me feeling rather odd as to what she is really up to and with whom (does it matter anymore? No.With the clarity I am getting over this- just concerned for her safety) especially after what she said under her breath (which I clearly heard) and then she sent a affectionate text shortly after which was the exact opposite.   No I can not and will not go back to that delusion. I would be clearly deluding myself after all that I have gone through. I know all cases are different but this episode truly opened my eyes. I only hope for her is that she gets help soon before she goes manic again. If there is another person in her life I do feel for them because they will no idea what they got themselves into.