I broke 3 days NC. What to do now?

[wanttoknowmore]

She was raging saying I am smothering her and she needs freedom That was 5 days ago. She went to her native country abruptly. I kept NC for 3 days as suggested by fellow forum members. Yesterday,I was reading a lot of books about BPD and had a surge of empathy for her condition lately.

Out of desire to comfort her ,I texted "I feel your sadness and pain. Praying that you feel better soon." NO RESPONSE for 36 hours. I feels sad and little bit angry and ignored. How to proceed further? I need some advice about dealing with current impasse as she is still,giving me silent treatment. 

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[laelle]

They are quick to anger and slow to calm down, and lets face it you do not feel her sadness or pain.  Its an invalidating statement.

If she answers it will probably be something like "no you dont"  At least you will have re engaged convo with her and can take it from there.

Im my opinion, A follow up with something like... .    Im not very good with words sometimes but I wanted you to know that I care about you.  You have asked me for some space and I will respect that.  I am here for you if you decide you want to talk.    You just put the ball in her court.  Now move on.  The more you text the more respect she will lose for you.

[wanttoknowmore]

Thank you ,Laelle.

I think it was my own sadness and guilt that probably drove me to express empathy. Also, I thought It will tell her that I am not abandoning her . But,you are right, I might come across as 'choking" and not giving her "freedom". I am resuming my NC back and this time I am going to stick with it until she contacts me. I have given enough signals that I still care about her. I dont want to lose more respect but I am still,not ready to walk away from this relationship yet. If pain gets too much,I know I can certainly walk away in future.

[inepted]

Thank you ,Laelle.

I think it was my own sadness and guilt that probably drove me to express empathy. Also, I thought It will tell her that I am not abandoning her . But,you are right, I might come across as 'choking" and not giving her "freedom". I am resuming my NC back and this time I am going to stick with it until she contacts me. I have given enough signals that I still care about her. I dont want to lose more respect but I am still,not ready to walk away from this relationship yet. If pain gets too much,I know I can certainly walk away in future.

Well said, but any signals you sent may be overlooked or misunderstood by her. I agree with what laelle suggested. Send a brief message letting her know you care about her, but will give her some space, and that you're there if she decided to talk, and leave it at that. In the meantime, continue reading, and working on yourself.

[briefcase]

Do you know what happened to trigger her rage and following silent treatment? 

[laelle]

You cant have NC and a relationship at the same time.    You can detach some if you need a breather, but staying isnt about NC

Open the door a crack and let her wander in when she is ready.  If she does, great... .  you can decide how you feel and how you want to proceed, if she doesnt, there is nothing you can do to control her and it will be out of your hands to control.

Dont wait, just leave the door open.  She could come through, or you may find something else you find makes you happier.

How you can you enjoy yourself in the meantime?  What kind of things do you like to do?  You have values and your interests and needs are important.  Take care of you.

[wanttoknowmore]

Mr briefcase,

She was under a lot of stress. She went to a hospice and that brought back memories of her own mother who died 5 months ago. She was dissociating and got very angry when I said I dont like when you ignore my texts/calls. She yelled "you smother me... I am choking... I want freedom"

This was 5 days ago. I went NC for 3 days but felt like knowing if she is OK? But she didnot answer at all.

[wanttoknowmore]

She returned from her native country and was working yesterday According to her facebook page.

She is posing and laughing with her two female coworkers whom I dont like. She knows that.

I texted her "where are you? I am worried. Pleas let me know you are OK." No response.

I feel anxious and angry and want to finish this stressful relationship. Can you please give me your understanding of this situation. Why is she doing this? She knows I may be suffering.

[fakename]

She doesn't care that you're suffering.

They only are about themselves.

This is a fact.

They only care about you when you can offer them something that they immediately need.

Also if you act desperate, you push them away further.

They want what they can't have.

It's pretty much human instinct without any rational thought type mentality.

These are my opinions.

[Themis]

She doesn't care that you're suffering.

They only are about themselves.

This is a fact.

They only care about you when you can offer them something that they immediately need.

Also if you act desperate, you push them away further.

They want what they can't have.

It's pretty much human instinct without any rational thought type mentality.

These are my opinions.

That was something I had suspected Fakename. (cute name!) In past he would have been devastated if I left him.

When he broke up with me, he said that he couldn't bear to lose me as a friend. He was very forceful about this point.

If it looked like I couldn't handle just being friends, he looked like he lost something huge, like I meant something.

Even though this was hard on me, I didn't move on. We got involved in a friends with benefits situation, some half-relationship and continued to live together.

Now this doesn't suit HIM and he knows losing HIS friendship is devastating to me... .  well he doesn't care. He literally said "I don't care"

It's so selfish!

I want to know why!

He CAN have empathy, but now I see it's only there to do with something he currently understands.

[fakename]

hahah, i wanted to know why for a lot of things, then i came to this site and just realized that its cause nothing was real and they have a serious disorder.

there's a lot of double standards, i lot of manipulations and just selfishness... .  its really terrible but for some reason i would still give her another chance... i think... .  

the whole need your friendship thing is baloney... .  i bought into hearing 'you're my best friend' so many times, and i need you in my life, and blah blah blah... .  and like you i remember one time when we were broken up, her being so cold.

i never would have done what she has done to me over the years to her or to anyone else, and so deep down i know i deserve something better