Reeling in FOG after being woken up with a phone call from uBPDm

[Aldrea]

Haven't posted here in a while as I felt like I had a handle on things. I stopped calling uBPDm every single day (a very big change for me!) and kept the conversations I did make short and to the point. Everything seemed to be going well until I took a short weekend trip with my BF and a group of friends to the same state where uBPDm lives. We made a 3.5 hour drive to spend less than 24 hours there and then came right back.The place we went was where both of us did our undergrad degrees and I've never gone back to visit friends (because of uBPDm).

I'm proud of myself for even going on the trip because I know that a few years ago I would have totally caved to uBPDm and made up a bunch of lame excuses to my friends and BF. Anyways, that was 2 weeks ago and it has not sat well with uBPDm. I recently talked to my brother and he asked some questions about her finances, to which I answered honestly, with my information basically letting him know that she had not followed his advice about how to better manage her debt. Knowing my bro, this set him off into a very angry state and it sounds, from the daily conversations I have been now having with uBPDm over the past few days (she has been calling me, which she never does), like my bro sent her a very angry e-mail about what she has not been doing. He wants to help her financially because she's his mother, of course, but he also recognizes how poorly she has managed things and so in the same breath tells me not to lend her anymore money while offering to co-sign a loan to help her. To me, that shows how much he cares about her... .  to uBPDm, it's him just trying to 'control her' and only help 'half-assedly.' It boggles my mind how a woman who claims to know and care about her children more than anyone can completely misread them. I guess it shouldn't surprise me, cause she does it to me all the time. But still.

I know she is just flinging her anger about my bro at me cause she doesn't know how else to cope with it. And there's also probably anger at me about my trip that she hasn't gotten to express at me because I haven't let her. But now I'm reeling in FOG after her 45-min phone call this morning, during which she told me she wishes she had the courage to blow her brains out. She makes these kinds of statements often, and has done so now for a couple of years. I follow the advice I found here and tell her if she feels that way, she should seek professional help to feel better. She usually responds that she has no reason to want to feel better because her children have abandoned her. So that goes nowhere, she just keeps making those statements... .  looking for a reaction I guess, but I don't have those anymore because of how often she says it.

I feel like I'm slipping and spinning without going anywhere with her. The other night she called me a cold-hearted gold-plated btch and when I said I was hanging up because I was not going to be insulted for no reason, she started screaming that if I did she would never talk to me or see me ever again. I should have carried through... .  but I didn't, we talked for another 30 min. I feel like if I hung up with her over every little thing that crosses a boundary, I'd never talk to her. For example, she began the phonecall this morning by asking if my 'roommate' was there- in reference to my boyfriend of nearly 5 years, and definitely just as a mean jab against me.

[as a side note, part of the conversation was her wanting to know when she could come here to bring me some mail and 'everything out of my room,' to which I stuck to the same thing I've been telling her, that I'll see her over Spring Break and that's the only time. I'm also glad that I did NOT tell her that my BF is out of town tonight for a business trip, otherwise she'd already be on her way here.]

I wanted to talk to my siblings about this, but I don't want to be accused of 'spreading lies' again, and I recognize that it doesn't really help anyone to tell them about what she said to me this morning, but I wanted to get this out before I take a deep breath and a shower and try to get on with my day and not let it be derailed.

[Clearmind]

Aldrea, welcome back! 

Things were going well for you and now things have changed and they are causing you stress. I am sorry to hear that.

I will be honest Aldrea and say that this finance stuff is between your brother and your mom. If he wants to help that is his choice. What I see happening here is triangulation (drama triangle) – bro/you/mom. This actually did not start with your mom – it started by your bro involving you and due to feeling obligated you got involved.

Aldrea, we need to step back when we see a drama triangle about to happen – especially when there is a Borderline involved.

If this scenario were to re-occur what could you do differently?

Karpman triangle - dynamics of difficult family and partner relationships and how we become caught up in them