Postponed

[lost007]

My divorce from my stbexwuBPD was scheduled next week. She has asked me to postpone. I have declined. So. She has fired her attorney and hired a new one. Guess what. He needs time to get up to speed. So it has now been post poned. Brilliant wouldn't you say?  So now at least two more months out of my house and in an apartment. A whole litany of new interoggatories. She is wanting to get deeply into my finances. She married well. High school education. I am doctoral level and very well off. She has used her sex appeal her whole life. Now guess who gets to pay?  Me!  Two to three more months for her to try and manipulate and recycle. She will not stop. I have posted on this topic in a panic because I knew she would find a way to put this divorce off. I am truly so extremely angry, pissed, and truly frightened. I was there. At the end.  It was in sight. And it is gone. I had it. She is now smugly sitting there knowing she will either be able to get me back. Or she will leave with a truck load of my hard earned cash. I am distraught. My attorney is calm. He hasn't lived BPD. He has no idea what this two month delay could bring. I have successfully fought her off. Now the rumination a will return. She will work me over. I need help. Bad.

[arabella]

Ouch. I'm sorry this happened to you. 

Okay, so she bought herself another 2 months. Before you overwhelm yourself with the swirling thoughts of everything going wrong, take a few minutes to write down each thing that you are worried about. The list will be less daunting than trying to contain your thoughts and maybe we can help you work through a few things. At least get some of it out there so you're not just stewing in it by yourself!

The end is still in sight - the target has just been moved back a bit. You're still on track. Have you given any materials re BPD to your lawyer? I know I read another thread where someone had done that (from the book 'Splitting', I believe) and that seemed to help.

What kind of support do you think would be helpful to you right now?

[mango_flower]

I can't give any advice on the money stuff I'm afraid, but with regards the fear of recycling, my advice to you is this:

Stay here on this board.  Read every post.  See how bad it can get. For me, it helps to really see her as awful (probably worse than it is).  It always helps me to read worse stories (sorry to those who are actually going through it though) as it reminds me of how bad it COULD have turned out had it continued.

[lost007]

Mango. If you knew all my story it would be one of those "worst" ones. Tough. Currently I am quite busy. Three pages of interoggatories is a time consuming daunting task. I have been careful to conceal my actual financial position as she is not trustworthy or loyal. I am afraid she will use this information to her benefit. She will also share it with people that I would prefer not have it.  She will know my every expenditure. Every check I have written. Now I will not get this info from her as her financial position is minimal. It essentially confirms my position and thoughts on the relationship. She is a victim. Made to quit work by me-not!  She will either have me-or I will pay handsomely monetarily. How is that right. I go back? Misery. Leave? Big financial hit. It is wrong on every level. She left her ex husband as she was wanting another man. Adventure. She no longer loved him. He had no money. So she left with nothing because she wanted out. Left him the house. Furniture. Everything and just moved out. But now? She will either have me or she will have a chunk of what I have worked for setting me back. Damn I was dumb with no pre-nup.  I have been had.  She is already texting wanting to work it out. I am so disgusted I could bite a nail in two. In addition, she is in my house and has been for 2 months. Now two more. I am supporting her as she is still not working. Sucks.

[turtle]

Mango. If you knew all my story it would be one of those "worst" ones. Tough.

Lost... .  I know you are upset.  I get that.  The money stuff is horrible!  However... .  be very careful here about seeing yourself as being one of the "worst" stories here.

There are many, many people who are in a much worse place than you are.   I know it's hard, but try to find some positives here.  She may take a lot of your money, but at least you can create an income.  Some people here can't do that.   After all of this dust (that she's kicking up) settles you will STILL be able to earn a living.  Be grateful for that.  I should have insisted on a pre-nup too (not talking about the pwBPD in my life,) but I didn't.  And I PAID through the nose.  Then pwBPD came along and I bled GREEN because of him.  All my own doing.  Eleven years later, I still haven't recovered financially.  BUT... .  I am healthy.  I can create an income.  I have my sanity and peace (priceless.)  I would rather live the lifestyle I live now ANY day, than live with all the trappings that were in my life that was riddled with insanity.

That doesn't lessen your anxiety right now and for that... .  I feel great empathy.  They can make things VERY, VERY hard and the injustice of it all is maddening.  It used to really get me riled up!

turtle

[lost007]

Thank you turtle. I hope I can create an income. My profession could be in jeopardy depending on how hog wild she goes. This has sparked a cauldron of emotion I had let die down. I am so angry. I was there. It was next week. She won. Again?  And she is smug. Ms independent. In my face. Constant challenges. Unbelievable verbal abuse. Yet she stands to win my money. And I know she thinks that she will now be able to wiggle back in. She will think. He's just mad now. I'll wait him out. She will begin advances. Send me nude photos. Offer wild sex. When I say no. Oh my god. It will start all over again. And I now have 2-3 months minimum to deal with it. I am back on hold. My kids live out of town and can't come to dads house because she has it. I am in an apartment. She lives in my house!  I want to call her and go off. Rant and rave but I know better. She will be calm and smug. I am just lost. As my name says. Feel hopeless right now. I know I am hyper emotional. Just so disappointed. Want to cry.

[lost007]

I have been waiting and waiting. So much riding on this to happen. And just like I lost very verbal joust. Just like how she owned me. Ruled me. Made my house a prison. She has succeeded in delaying me again. I was out a year ago. She convinced me to counsel. Didn't work. I had her out of my house. Before I knew she was back in it. I wasn't ready. But she pushed and cajoled and found a way. They are so skilled. I went to watch Dark Skies this weekend. Alien flick. Alone. Have no friends. She had a party at my house. 50 people. In the movie these aliens called greys show up. They have been watching you. They hand picked and pre selected you. They implant some type device behind your ear and insidiously begin to own you. They take over your home. You have no control over the chaos they create. Outsiders think you are nuts. You board your windows. Doesn't help. They can scoot around any barrier. Ultimate goal is to steal a family member. Just take them. Leave stage family broken. In tatters. Reeling. Searching for answers and trying to fix what has been broken. Restore what has been damaged, taken, without consent. I think the greys have BPD. I'm trying to find a barrier that will keep them(her) out.

[turtle]

I want to call her and go off. Rant and rave but I know better. She will be calm and smug. I am just lost. As my name says. Feel hopeless right now. I know I am hyper emotional. Just so disappointed. Want to cry.

I'm glad you know better than to call her and rant and rave.  You have to keep your wits about you right now.  I know the hopelessness.  I know the hyper emotional state.  I KNOW the disappointment.  And, believe me... .  I cried an ocean. During all of the stalking, I cried every day for years! And I cried so hard I made myself sick!

You have to do something to off load this stress and anger.  Go the the gym.  Use a punching bag.  Run until you can run no more. Do something physically exhausting... .  and make it count.  If you let this stress rule your emotions, you will make bad choices.

Be smart right now, lost007.  Clearly, you are a smart man... .  so BE SMART right now.  Calm down (so easy to say and very hard to do,) and collect yourself. Find your center and breathe in the confidence that has gotten you to this place of financial success in your life.  You didn't arrive at this place of success by chance, so tap into the energy that brought you to the success you now have.  

I can't remember if you're seeing a T, but if you are... .  go TOMORROW.  If you aren't... .  find one and go TOMORROW.  And make sure your attorney understands what you're dealing with.  If she's texting 100 times a day... .  show him that. If she's leaving v/m's all day, let him hear that. Get your provider to keep copies of all of that stuff so you can use it in court if you need to.  Check out whether it's legal to record phone calls in your State.  If it is, get a voice recorder and record EVERY single word that is said between you two! This also make you think twice about saying something stupid. Save every text message, every voice mail, every email.  EVERYTHING.  And then get your attorney on board with the fact that she's harrassing you!

DO IT.

I know this postponement is a blow, but use it to your advantage as much as you can! Start DOCUMENTATION and do it 24/7!

And... .  just a thought about your profession being in jeopardy.  She is not stupid.  She knows where the money comes from. Don't forget that.  Even so... .  if she's stupid enough to ruin your career... .  YOU can STILL earn a living.  You might have to start over (which sucks,) but you CAN do that.

turtle

[turtle]

I'm trying to find a barrier that will keep them(her) out.

Um... .  YOU are the barrier that will keep her out.  Take back your personal power lost007.  You have given your personal power to someone that is mentally ill.  So... .  TAKE IT BACK!

turtle

[lost007]

Turtle. I do not know you. I thank you for being a friend. It is nice to be able to sound desperate and not be judged. I am certainly desperate right now. I have been documenting all along. If I go no contact or very limited I'm not sure what she will do right now but I am more convinced that I cannot extricate myself from this emotional bondage unless I do.

[turtle]

Turtle. I do not know you. I thank you for being a friend. It is nice to be able to sound desperate and not be judged. I am certainly desperate right now. I have been documenting all along. If I go no contact or very limited I'm not sure what she will do right now but I am more convinced that I cannot extricate myself from this emotional bondage unless I do.

Where is your attorney in all of this?  He/she should be advising you about this right now. 

[lost007]

Saw him today. He seems ok. Delays are common in his profession. My sense of urgency won't be understood without a frame of reference such as your own. I was close to settlement. All this discovery will show more of my substantial assets making me more financially vulnerable. Can I survive yes. However I was hoping to make a move sooner than later. This will post pone that. Would have had me closer to my kids. In addition I was mentally there. Mentally ready. A week and I was done. Probably harder than the financial reality I now face. And turtle. I worry about my constitutional ability to resist her. This will be a formidable obstacle to overcome.

[turtle]

And turtle. I worry about my constitutional ability to resist her. This will be a formidable obstacle to overcome.

Well... .  this... .  THIS tells me you aren't done.  And as long as you aren't done... .  ANYTHING can and will happen and none of it will be good.  She will bleed you dry... .  and you will let her.

If you were really done, this would not be on your plate.

If you walk into the lions den of your own volition, then you have chosen your fate -- and you can't be upset with the outcome because you CHOSE it. You will have KNOWINGLY chosen it.

Don't worry... .  I did that too. Many people here have. And yes... .  it cost me EVERY material thing I had and I was within minutes of him killing me -- yes... .  actually killing me.  I'm familiar with the lion's den. I chose it and it nearly cost me my life. 

Only you can choose to save yourself.

turtle

[lost007]

Turtle. Blunt and stark words indeed. And so true. I don't want me no more lions den. I really needed to hear that. Appreciate your candid and no nonsense admonition

[turtle]

Appreciate your candid and no nonsense admonition

Well... .  I'm glad you appreciate it.  Some people don't.

I know for myself... .  I appreciate it when it's delivered to me that way.  I'd rather someone tell me truth than just tell me what I want to hear.  Hearing what I want to hear doesn't help me one bit.

Clearly, she reminds you on a daily basis of why you want out.  Your misery surrounding her comes through loud and clear, yet you don't think you can resist her. She sounds VERY resistable to me, but hey... .  I know the drill... .  been there... .  done that... .  have way too many T-shirts, that are now used as dust rags.   

What can you do to make sure you are not tempted to go back into the lions den?

turtle