When you just dont feel like validating

[Depression = 72% of members]

I'm in a rotten mood.  I found out today that one of my wounds might need surgery.  I have one doctor who says yes, one who says no and the other says either way.  So ok, I tell my bf that im having another surgery, then I find out it costs money up front and I just dont have that.  He doesnt listen and keeps saying I should go ahead and pay for it and get it done.  What part of I dont have the money does he not understand.  He ended the convo with handle it whatever way you want but dont moan about it.

Where was it my choice to handle it the way I wanted.  I dont have the money!

I just dont feel like validating today.  i want to cry

[laelle]

I'm in a rotten mood.  I found out today that one of my wounds might need surgery.  I have one doctor who says yes, one who says no and the other says either way.  So ok, I tell my bf that im having another surgery, then I find out it costs money up front and I just dont have that.  He doesnt listen and keeps saying I should go ahead and pay for it and get it done.  What part of I dont have the money does he not understand.  He ended the convo with handle it whatever way you want but dont moan about it.

Where was it my choice to handle it the way I wanted.  I dont have the money!

I just dont feel like validating today.  i want to cry

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[Cloudy Days]

Sounds like you need some Validation yourself.

That's gotta be scary, needing a surgury but not having the money for it. Like your health is a luxury or something. I find that when I am needing Validation from my husband it doesn't happen. They are so wrapped up in their own minds that they don't even open their ears enough to listen to your problem. Then of course they will also give you an answer as to how to solve it and if you don't listen to how they want you to do it then you are dumb somehow. It's frustraiting and draining to never have a support system you can count on.

[patientandclear]

Reminds me of KL315 (formerly of this board) & her experience telling her dBPD partner that she was losing her hair during chemo.  And his response being to go silent and then be passively aggressively upset with her for needing him, for injecting drama, etc.

They cannot have you have problems.  As much as I've seen that pattern, I actually don't quite understand why.  The first little bump in the road I ever had with my ex was when I explained I was being harassed by a client, fairly seriously; I'm never scared by such things, and I found this scary.  I expected him to be protective.  In fact he just kept telling me why it was probably not a problem and I shouldn't be scared.

I'm sorry about the bad medical situation, Laelle, and I know it sucks that your partner isn't able to hear or support or problem-solve or help or validate.

Just out of curiosity, what would happen if you were to directly tell him, in a DEARMAN-ish way (emphasizing the benefits to him -- you'd be more emotionally available and in a better mood) that it would feel good for you if he would help you problem-solve or at least not negate your feelings of worry about it.  (I am not suggesting this, just asking what you think would happen if you were to do that.)

[laelle]

While I agree what he said was soo not helpful, the reaction is coming from me, not him.  He is the same as he has always been.

Its moments like these that I really worry.  I know in a day or two I will feel better and wonder what all the emotion was about, but for today im a wreck and I feel like he didnt listen to me at all.

[patientandclear]

While I agree what he said was soo not helpful, the reaction is coming from me, not him.  He is the same as he has always been.

Its moments like these that I really worry.  I know in a day or two I will feel better and wonder what all the emotion was about, but for today im a wreck and I feel like he didnt listen to me at all.

Because ... .  he didn't!  It sounds like, just for today, that is feeling like not enough from this primary relationship.  And ... .  that's because you want normal things from that relationship.  It's hard to constantly edit those wants because the person you're with cannot meet them.  

[laelle]

Yes, today I just want a shoulder I can cry on.  I know I cant cry on his.  I want to be able to be weak, but he cant handle that kind of intimacy.

[briefcase]

I'm sorry to hear you may need another surgery.

Don't worry so much about validating him.  Focus on: (1) not making things worse with him (don't be invalidating and create some space for yourself); and (2) find validation from somewhere else (call friends or family, etc.) 

These situations are always tough.  When we aren't feeling well, or worried about money and other things, its tough to get the kind of reaction you got. I've been there too.  It's a harsh reminder that these relationships have a certain reality that is disconnected from our ideals. 

[laelle]

Wish me luck then.  Here I go at trying to not make things worse until my mood passes.

Thank you everyone.  Im not well tonite and really dont have the words to able to express how im feeling.

Its nice to know that I am understood by you guys.

[shatra]

Hi

  Yes it's true, they don't find it easy to tolerate us having problems. It may be because they split us "all good" at times. Also, if we have problems we might "abandon" them to focus on ourselves, or we would be less available to them. Any other ideas as to why?

Bye

Shatra

[Chosen]

 

laelle, I'm so sorry you're going through this.  It's bad enough having to worry about your surgery and the finances involved, it's even worse when you are not getting validation or any help in making the decision.

I know that feeling- I get that a lot too.  I also completely understand how sometimes we're just not in the mood to validate- you have enough on your hands without this additional need for validation already!  But sometimes it helps to remember: it's always about them.  When you are in need they can't accept that you are putting yourself in the spotlight, if only for a while. 

This happens to me too.  Sometimes I am in a sad mood becasue I miss my mother (who died 2 years back of cancer).  I would be upset and I would cry and H would most certainly say to me, "It's good you have me here."  I mean, it is good, but that doesn't "solve" the problem.  But he just can't handle me being sad, when having him is supposed to be the answer of all my troubles. 

Sorry to have gone on for quite a bit... .  I guess you already know all this.  You know you can't count on him to give you the validation you need right now.  It's just hard to be stuck in a difficult place and not having that kind of support.  You can always come here though 

[nothinleft]

laella,

After endless years dealing with a serious BPDP many are just plain worn out-nothinleft-just no more to give. I have read and studied the info here and other reliable sources, not only on PD but also on personal improvement, gone to therapy etc. After a long while of hard self work, those realizations and methods became a large part of me and the internal blessings were significant (I mean life saving). The fact is though, I can change and change, but I am still me, simply because I am an imperfect human and I make my share of mistakes-sometimes big ones... Dealing with the constant irrationality and abuse of a BPD takes its toll, but then add not getting most of your basic emotional and other needs met and trying to be so very mindful of their huge, never ending demands will push most to new lows at times. There can be benefits, especially if these lows are becoming more frequent or are lasting longer. No. 1-you truley are starting to realize your limits and what you can tolerate. No.2-The illegitamate self doubt and guilt depart, and No.3, its usually at this very point that you can make a "wise mind" decision and just about know that what you have chose is best for ALL. I am not talking being so tired and worn that you can't think straight. I am referring to the mental and emotional calm that is reached when you have finally accepted No's. 1, 2 and 3, and simply no longer engage as before even if the storm is still raging all around you. It was like that life long fight is finally over(I give up-its useless) and I am no longer dancing(I quit- l'm not doing this anymore)-some genuine peace at last.

[laelle]

place emotional rant here... .   

[laelle]

Thank you everyone.  Will respond individually to all your posts a little later.  I'm angry atm and cant really speak from my heart.

Its shriveled up and black right now.