This has been bothering me all day...

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I'm scared I'm going to "catch" BPD. (Not literally, I know that).

But look at the facts:

She walked out on me, completely unexpectedly.  I would have bet my life savings this would never have happened.  I know I will find it hard to trust people in the future, no matter how hard I try.

She left me - I am going to fear abandonment from now on.

The fact she met somebody else so quickly makes me feel distrustful and suspicious as to whether it was going on sooner (I know they were friends)

I have no previous experience of proper relationships, so what I now know is only intense, fast-paced, rushed relationships - head over heels very early on.

I feel like, even though I do not have BPD, all my experience of relationships comes from her - so this is now what I know as normal.  Whilst logically I know it is NOT (e.g. from comparing to friends' relationships) I am scared it will still affect how I act and think.

It's like I have been tainted.

Can anyone else relate to that?

[mango_flower]

I'm scared I'm going to "catch" BPD. (Not literally, I know that).

But look at the facts:

She walked out on me, completely unexpectedly.  I would have bet my life savings this would never have happened.  I know I will find it hard to trust people in the future, no matter how hard I try.

She left me - I am going to fear abandonment from now on.

The fact she met somebody else so quickly makes me feel distrustful and suspicious as to whether it was going on sooner (I know they were friends)

I have no previous experience of proper relationships, so what I now know is only intense, fast-paced, rushed relationships - head over heels very early on.

I feel like, even though I do not have BPD, all my experience of relationships comes from her - so this is now what I know as normal.  Whilst logically I know it is NOT (e.g. from comparing to friends' relationships) I am scared it will still affect how I act and think.

It's like I have been tainted.

Can anyone else relate to that?

[WT]

Hi mango_flower, I can definitely relate to what you've said.  There was another thread here recently (I can't find it now) that asked whether us nons are now broken in some ways after our relationships.  I think in some ways, the answer is yes, but instead of "broken," I think that most of us will just be more careful in future relationships.  I think that we all probably have a degree of self-awareness that our exes didn't have, and we can look back and reflect on what we did wrong (and right), and learn from our past experiences.  Meanwhile, our exes are likely doing the same thing that they've always been, perhaps with someone else, and they'll likely never have the same degree of lasting reflection that we will.  Their reality is shaped by emotion, while our reality is shaped by experience.

[whatarideout]

fact:

She walked out on me

conscious decision to originate a state of mind influenced by outside stimuli:

I know I will find it hard to trust people in the future, no matter how hard I try.

fact:

she left me

conscious decision to originate a state of mind influenced by outside stimuli:

I am going to fear abandonment from now on.

fact:

she met somebody else

conscious decision to originate a state of mind influenced by outside stimuli:

makes me feel distrustful and suspicious

fact:

I have no previous experience

conscious decision to originate a state of mind influenced by outside stimuli:

what I now know is only intense, fast-paced, rushed relationships - head over heels very early on.

I feel like, even though I do not have BPD, all my experience of relationships comes from her - so this is now what I know as normal. 

what you now know is the behaviour patterns of someone who suffers from BPD. "intense", "fast-paced", "rushed relationships" are red flags to be aware of when entering a future conjunction.

what you now know is "normal" from someone who has a thought disorder and if presented with the same behaviour, you will be more equipped to make better decisions based on your "experience".

its all a state of mind 

[almost789]

Yes, I do. We kind of experience our own little version of BPD or PTSD. Due to being abandoned and emotionally abused. Ours is temporary though. If we can heal properly.

[elessar]

Hi mango_flower,

I feel you stole and wrote my works. that is exactly how I feel! that is exactly my story too. and these are the fears i share with my close friends too. i am too scared to trust. i want to love someone the way i loved her... .  with everything i have got. but i am scared to do that, and honestly feel too exhausted to do that.

and i agree that if you are with someone for a long time, you start sharing their traits. i am a pretty calm person and would explode in rage maybe once every few years. but over the past year and a half it became so much more frequent. felt like i was turning into her.

so yes, I can relate with you. you aren't alone in what you are feeling.

[daze]

Mango Flower -

Your concerns are familiar to me. I became very concerned about my own reactions in the r/s, etc. before I knew about BPD. To the extent I sought therapy. My T does not think I have BPD, but that I developed dysfunctional coping mechanisms from my family of origin and it affects the type of relationships I am attracted to.

The level of dysfunction in the r/s with my H brought out the worst in my coping mechanisms.  And it sounds like it is true for a lot of us on this forum. Now I understand it and know that I am responsible for my own actions.

The difference between pd and non is self-awareness, which you have.

[Lost_husband]

  I feel you brother.  I feel like I am abandoning her.  Well thats starting to dwindle away.  I am reading some of these articles and on days I am tired or down I think this stuff is written about me.  But if you read on you will find out that that is a side effect of living with these screw job people. 

   You will find someone better and normal.  I know a girl who I wish i met 15 years ago.  They are out there.  Use this to open your eyes.  You have the power to change when you act out like they do.   Be aware.