How will I handle it if she contacts me...

[stoic83]

Hey guys,

This would probably sound stupid to anyone else but here goes... .  

When my exwBPD and I broke up this last time. I was pretty   and commented on my facebook page a quote about how mental illness does not understand human compassion etc... .  a couple quotes to provoke my exgf w uBPD and her diagnosed bipolar sister... .  Looking back it was immature, but they both blocked me... .  

Anyways, I figured it was for the best and my exwBPD and I could not see eachother's page.

Recently, my exwBPD unblocked me... .  so that I saw she liked a photo that a mutal friend had... .  whereas I could not see anything about her before... .  

Against my judgement, I looked at her page... .  and it looked normal. She has been sober for 30 days, she has the dog that she got 2 weeks before she relapsed and after i was painfully painted black. Her father passed away before she moved in with me, and I have known her for four years... .  i knew I was going to get some abandonment rage but didnt expect the violent threats, and threats of false allegations (calling the cops on me, when she was being abusive).

Anyways, I see that shortly after she unblocked me... .  she changed her pic to a picture i took of her at a wedding we went to together. This is making me sick... .  I see the photos of her friendly face... .  and I feel like I imagined the whole thing.

I remember her friendly banter, her down to earth laugh and soft smile... .  this is so weird.

In any case, I have been through about 5 or 6 recycles... .  and have experienced ptsd symptoms. It is hard for me to get unhooked completely... .  

I am debating blocking her (so she and i can not keep tabs on eachother or recycle again). I don't want to trigger any abandonment because her cycle is that she comes back after about 2 or 3 months.

She realizes she messed up and will give me a heartfelt apology. This time i told her never to contact me by any means. So i don't think she will contact me... .  but i know that she is checking my facebook page every day and longing for me... .  and it makes me feel terrible.

I know if I give in to her, what the consequences are... .  the sad thing is she hasn't even contacted me... .  it is just something that I can feel is going to happen.

I mean she has showed up at my door out of nowhere, written me emails out of nowehre, and begs me to see her or hear her out etc... .  she always has moments of clarity and she explains her struggles and how she hopes we can work things out but it always ends in her ripping my heart out after i inevitably trigger her... .  

This relationship was so unfair. Does anyone have any advice about the facebook issue? I mean part of me wants to pull the trigger and "block" her so i can not see anything about her anymore... .  

I am not an avid facebook person, but seeing her friendly looking face is driving me nuts and I have looked at her profile almost every day since she unblocked me less than a week ago... .  discussing with T, and she is quick to say that it is normal that i still have feelings for her but that anybody would still have these feelings after a 4 year relationship... .  

I'm turning 30 in a week and im worried she is going to contact me... .  

She is a smart girl and always realizes the error of her ways, but does not make (or can not make) the change from aa meetings to therapy... .  but unfortunately i still have some magical hope that things will work out.

I am not going to contact her... .  I am just worried about how I will handle it if she contacts me... .  through facebook or text... .  etc. It will hurt too much to hear something warm from her after what she put me through over christmas with her relapse, painting me black, and devaluing... .  i kicked her out because i couldn't handle it anymore and felt like i was going to lose my mind living with her (first attempt living with her after turbulent on/off 4 year rs).

JK

[Pardon]

A good idea might be to suspend your facebook and possibly change your phone number.  I'm so jealous of you being able to detatch.  I dream about that.  be strong if that is your decision.

Also you didn't imagine it at all.

[stoic83]

A good idea might be to suspend your facebook and possibly change your phone number.  I'm so jealous of you being able to detatch.  I dream about that.  be strong if that is your decision.

Also you didn't imagine it at all.

Thank you. Reading some of the other posts help remind me of who my exwBPD really is capable of being in a rs.

I think if i just block her that will do the trick... .  i dont have to suspend my account and isolate myself even more!

I guess she is pretty much sure I am done... .  so I will be strong and hopefully she has enough good sense to leave me alone. She is very pretty and will surely find somebody else shortly.

st

stoic

[Pardon]

Haha yeah.  good point.  I deleted my account because I was always going to it hoping for attention from anyone.  If you have friends, best keep them

Also, I go on this website when I forget what she can really be like.  It is a good reminder.

[FogLight]

If looking at her facebook is driving you crazy, then block her.  If you are worried she might contact you, then block all possible forms of communication from her.  If you are worried that she might show up on your doorstep... .   then I pray she doesn't do that because I'm not sure they make a block for that one.  All I can suggest is that you focus on you and detaching for now so that IF she shows up you won't be ruled by feelings.  It hurts right now but I'm sure plenty here can tell you that it gets MUCH better, especially if you put forth some effort.   Yours operates on the 2 to 3 months cycle too?  That seems to be the pattern with my ex.

[stoic83]

If looking at her facebook is driving you crazy, then block her.  If you are worried she might contact you, then block all possible forms of communication from her.  If you are worried that she might show up on your doorstep... .   then I pray she doesn't do that because I'm not sure they make a block for that one.  All I can suggest is that you focus on you and detaching for now so that IF she shows up you won't be ruled by feelings.  It hurts right now but I'm sure plenty here can tell you that it gets MUCH better, especially if you put forth some effort.   Yours operates on the 2 to 3 months cycle too?  That seems to be the pattern with my ex.

I just know how she gets all guilty and remorseful once she is able to rationalize with whatever she has of a left brain after things die down... .  it seems like after 2 or 3 months she will get curious, or communicate with me in some way or another... .  like seeing a mutual friend and acting really depressed in front of them etc... .  etc... .  so that the friend may tell me "she was really nice, but seemed so very sad... .  " etc. Obviously putting on some sort of act.

In any case, I know that she does experience guilt and remorse... .  but only during moments of clarity... .  this can't last long for her at all because if I realized how poorly i treated someone i loved, i would be self harming and depressed as well. I guess i feel more pity for her than everything... .  i always got hooked on her raw abilities, her raw potential to be a great woman... .  now its just pity and acceptance and a kind of a hopelessness... .  

thanks for the encouragement... .  i dont consider looking at her facebook as breaking no contact as some others do... .  more so just pictures and reminders of the fantasy... .  

Stoic

[maria1]

I.m attaching a link to info I found really helpful- might help you process some of your feelings- I know it's hard, I've been there. At the start I blocked and unblocked my ex several times and I don't even use Facebook!

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=61980.0

[MakeItHappen]

It is best to block. Not just "de-friend," full on block.

It's been a very short time since I blocked my exBPD and it's been an up/down scenario. Yes, do I want to see what she's posting and what she's doing with her life, of course. Is it BETTER FOR ME to not know, YES!

That's the hard part. What was once, is no longer and in all reality, it never was. It was a lie. So, why beat ourselves up about it by going back to check FB? 

I truly get it and man, it's hard! It's been about 1.5 weeks since I blocked my exBPD and I am getting MORE out of it than I was when I was looking at her page, a million times a day.

[blecker]

It's totally up to you Stoic83.

When an addict begins to get clean and/or sober they are told to change people, places and things. The familiar is the enemy to the addict.

For me, when I finally came to terms with the fact that I was deeply involved with a person with BPD who didn't want real help, I made the very hard decision to close all doors to my world. The familiar was my enemy.

We can make it very difficult for anyone to make contact with us, not impossible, but certainly beyond inconvienient.

And the more time there is between you and the last contact, the easier it will be for you to avoid the temptation of contact.

[sunrising]

i dont consider looking at her facebook as breaking no contact as some others do... .  

I do.  No Contact is for me. To help me detach. It's not for her.  My ex can't call, text, email or Facebook me.  I have blocked all of those.  I even blocked her on Instagram.   The only remaining connection we have is she is a "follower" on my Soundcloud account.  You can't block someone from following you there.   I've checked.   Wanna know why I think checking her Facebook, for me, would be breaking no contact?   Because I look at my Soundcloud account EVERY DAY to see if she's listening to my songs or visiting (I can see but she doesnt know that).  And she does visit every couple days.  And she does listen to songs.   And me knowing this is slowing my detachment.  

For me anyway, NC has been a good substitute for complete self-control at all times, which I don't have.  

[stoic83]

I do.  No Contact is for me. To help me detach.

I think the contact is if i block her. That breaks no contact.

I think no contact is if i dont communicate with her. Not I dont look at her photo.

I could have a whole bunch of letters and photos of her... .  would that be breaking no contact?

It sounds as if you are struggling with no contact more than I am, because her and i have no direct link on facebook.

The songs thing sounds weird... .  I would just cancel my account if I were you.

Agreed that checking her page is not good for me... .  but no I am not communicating with her.

Stoic

[sunrising]

I was speaking for myself and didn't mean to imply my rules should apply to you.

For me, yes, looking at letters and photos would be breaking NC.    I have done it and it hasn't helped me detach one bit.  Any reminder of her slows my detachment.  So all the "blocking" served 2 purposes. She can't contact me (obviously would be a reminder).   I can't check up on her (self-induced reminder).

I have several followers and use Soundcloud to promote my music.  Canceling my account would be a detriment to that.   I don't need to cancel the account.  It has many other features besides "seeing if your ex is checking on you". I need to stop using that feature.

[Seb]

Just wondering... .  how do you know she looks at your facebook every day? There's no way of knowing this, surely?

[fakename]

my exgf with BPD also changed her facebook profile pic and her match profile pic to photos that i took. i dont get that either.

either way, i dontknow how much she is thinking of me. i know she is trying to date others. and i dont care.

not gonna stress about things i cant change any more

[stoic83]

I blocked her and unfriended any of her friends. Problem solved.

I don't need that kind of excitement or curiosity in my life anymore.

I can see that she is still alive, and that makes me happy.

Other than that, good luck to her. I don't want to see when she meets someone new.

I am glad i waitied a few days and said goodbye to her facebook page... .  and any pictures of her popping up on my page.

I now realize why she put all these pictures up of her and her friends... .  and tagged each one of them. Extremely odd. Then shortly thereafter she unblocks me... .  weird. In any case her page was sterile... .  no guys she was entertaining... .  etc etc. I saw what she wanted me to see... .  but "seemingly normal" isn't good enough for me anymore.

If i am in a rs again, I want to be with someone I admire... .  not someone that has potential with odds stacked against them... .  if that sounds selfish, but oh well.

Stoic

[sunrising]

If i am in a rs again, I want to be with someone I admire... .  not someone that has potential with odds stacked against them... .  if that sounds selfish, but oh well.

What a great way to say it... .    And that's not selfish in any way... .    We should be with people we admire. 

[stoic83]

If i am in a rs again, I want to be with someone I admire... .  not someone that has potential with odds stacked against them... .  if that sounds selfish, but oh well.

What a great way to say it... .    And that's not selfish in any way... .    We should be with people we admire. 

Thanks buddy, sorry for getting defensive... .  I just didn't want to be too hard on myself for looking at the facebook page. I mean she tagged any mutual friends we had in a bunch of old photos and added like 20 photos so they all showed up on my "live feed"... .  then she unblocked herself so i could see her comments... .  it was really passive aggressive move on her part... .  sounds like a weak justification, but oh well.

I am hypersensitive right now, in T 2 times a week, and my emotions are pretty raw... .  

Thanks for your support:)

Stoic

[wanttoknowmore]

After a weeklong silent treatment and later demand to move on, if your BPD gf keeps the cover picture of her facebook which you fondly chose in which she poses with an expensive dress you gifted her in great,loving times.

What does that mean? What is she trying to convey? Does it mean she wants to keep the r/s intact or is there any other motive?

[wanttoknowmore]

Fakeman,

How do you know she is trying to date others?

[fakename]

wanttoknowmore,

the profile pic means nothing. its manipulation.

i remember when my ex told me she put a pic that her ex took as her profile pic on match.com to show him that she moved on... .  

only thing shes conveying in reality is that she stick out multiple tentacles like an octopus to try to snag her prey

and i know she has and is dating others because i apparently have stalking issues. i'm working on ending that. regardless, whenever she broke up with me or others, she would race to match.com if she couldnt recycle someone. she literally cant spend more than a day without at least trying to date someone

[ScotisGone74]

My exBPD SO was a little different.  She was still texting me, calling, emailing, all while seeing someone else.    She had them as "Engaged" on her page, but had him block me, so he didn't show up on her page if I did happen to look-sheeesh.  Once I found this out I just blocked her and any of her pretend quack couple of friends.  Its about as inmature as you can get, I don't need all that in my life.  I have my phone blocked from her as well as her email, if she wants to say anything she knows my address and after 4 months of no contact I've seen her close to my house in her car at least twice that I know of. 

[sad but wiser]

Hey Fakename, don't worry too much.  She doesn't feel like a person without another person there.  It is kind of like an actress without a script.  What is weird is that they come off as having strong personalities, when actually the opposite is true.  I know it hurts.  We all know.  I think it is important to stop paying full emotional price for a relationship with someone that should be on the "discount" aisle.  Hang in there.

[stoic83]

My exBPD SO was a little different.  She was still texting me, calling, emailing, all while seeing someone else.    She had them as "Engaged" on her page, but had him block me, so he didn't show up on her page if I did happen to look-sheeesh.  Once I found this out I just blocked her and any of her pretend quack couple of friends.  Its about as inmature as you can get, I don't need all that in my life.  I have my phone blocked from her as well as her email, if she wants to say anything she knows my address and after 4 months of no contact I've seen her close to my house in her car at least twice that I know of. 

I'm pretty sure this is what was happening during previous recycles... .  in any case I can least take solace in the fact that i was her favorite btch, .

[sunrising]

in any case I can least take solace in the fact that i was her favorite btch, .