Unique BPD language...

[wanttoknowmore]

Do you notice unique language pwBPDs use such as "you are everything" "you are love of my life" etc. During devalaution,just extreme opposites  of this. My BPD gf broke silent treatment after 7 days when I contacted her by text , texting me "Please make me move on... I have to move on... please make me move on... I know you can do it."  Did you notice that she is using my self even to move on... .  not saying I want to move on... .  instead... she says  ... you... make me move on.  Any thoghts and experiences? Any interpretation of "make me move on."

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[Themis]

This sounds pretty sad. But I'd prefer a needy/sad pwBPD over a raging one anytime!

With this lady, it sounds like she really misses you and is unhappy. It's like she is expecting you to do something so unforgivable so she could paint you black or have an easier time moving on.

Are you giving her any mixed signals?

Are you making absolutely sure you are not leading her on in any way?

Sometimes it is harder (BPD or not) to move on from someone who is kind and lovable. You can't just say "he was a jerk" because it's not true. She could have a whole lot of memories of your kindness, and why you are a good guy, making it harder on her.

I'm not saying be cruel. (My pwBPD is a male, he is not needy, doesn't miss me, at the moment he has cut off from me and goes cold.

I wish he would reach out, cling, need me, I have all the love in the world for a kind person with needs. I just don't like cruelty & rudeness. I have a lot of patience for neediness, as long as the person is kind and appreciates my help. I actually don't mind it. What bothers me is nastiness. My pwBPD is currently being cruel, and it really hurts!)

But don't be too kind either, don't do anything that could be mixed up or seen as leading her on.

Besides that I don't know how else to help as all break ups are hard.

[almost789]

I don't know about BPD lanquage, but maybe she's saying, she can't move on. She's not over you. I do remember feeling this way with my exBPDbf. I wanted him to do something. I wanted him to tell me he hated me, call me a name, or anything that would let me let go. As if what he had already done wasn't enough for me to let go. But he would never "say' anything of the like. He told me, "I do love you" when I broke up with him! It left me hanging on terribly, especially when I found he had a BPD problem and couldn't help many of his actions. I begged him to tell me to "fuxx off"

Did you leave her with the impression you still loved her and would be there for her?

[wanttoknowmore]

Thank you for the response. Yes. I did say I love her as that is true. I know she will mess up her life and suffer more and my gut instnict is that she will return some day broken in pieces and beg for me to help her. I dont know how will I repond? I might have moved on to help someone else who needs me. I am a 'resquer".

I want to get her sufficiently knowledgeable about this disorder and understand it. She said she has not shared this deeply with anyone before and now, she is frightened . New guy will not be able to help because he will not be equiped and she will take 2 years atleast to trust him.

She respects me and believes that I have the capacity to help her .This is not fantasy .This is based on facts and her own experience in last 2+years.

I desire to help her as she is a beautiful,kind soul... worthhelping.

[Themis]

My pwBPD thinks he is a rescuer too. He would never think or call himself that, but he acts like a hero, tells people he is helping me out.

In many ways he is, and he did. In other ways he is enabling, or making me worse because of his BPD he needs to be needed. So he likes to help me.

He says it is a burden, but I think it's secretly a point of pride. His self-esteem is based around things like that. Co-dependant people do that too... .  

If you really love her and want her to be happy and move on--DON'T tell her things that will lead her on and give her hope. That's not fair to her.

Even if she has BPD, you still have to apply the same rules you would with any woman. Break up with them, leave them alone and don't send mixed signals.

"No,no, no, no don't phunk with my heart" started playing in my head for some reason. :-)

You sound really caring, but it is just not helpful to either of you. You have to pick what you are doing and stick with it.

My BPD told me he loved me after he dumped me. That made it really hard to accept. This is one place where black and white thinking is a good thing.

You are togther or you are not. Shades of grey in romance is too hard on the heart. I know as I spent two years in a half relationship.

I know you want to help her, but if you guys are broken up---especially as she has gone off into her own life---that's her choice. I feel like I want to help my BPD, because he does so many self-destructive things.

I understand where you are at.

But you have to let it go. She made the choice to leave, it's her life, no longer your responsibility.

[wanttoknowmore]

Themis,

she has not said she wants to break up. She says she doesnot know. Our picture remains as it is on cover of her facebook page. If I push her at this point with her stressors about her job, health problems,childrens issues etc. She probably will end up with the alcoholic janitor who is trying to flirt with her. She thinks she doesnot deserve me. I will protect her from herself as long she doesnot say "its over.I dont want you." I know how to move on... thats easy  to do. I see the disaster as she is not in a state of mind to move on. She is dissociating a lot more these days.

[Themis]

Hi wanttoknow,

My this is confusing!   After looking at some of your other posts I get the gist of your story.

Ok, so my comment would have made perfect sense if you broke up with her!

It would have made 85% sense if she left you---but the part about moving on doesn't seeing that if our people with BPD want to leave us and stop talking to us--they are the ones giving mixed signals telling you to help her move on.

That is hard on YOUR heart. Sorry about the confusion!   Just from reading your post here it doesn't give a clear idea of the whole situation.

I think you might have to prepare yourself for some extreme possibilities:

--she might shock you. They do shocking things. After acting like the depressed one, clinging to you, texting you for help... .  she might indeed end up with the alcoholic janitor or just suddenly claim not to love you anymore. Prepare for the possibility of an actual break-up.

---she might come back in tears after her holiday, rested, a bit more clear about what she wants and missing you. Everything will be good, but unless we get better at avoiding these cycles... .  in a few months that will happen all over again and you will be messed about.

---she might do both of those things mixed together at the same time as thinking at she still loves you as well.

Be prepared for anything!

I wish I could give better advice, it's ironic that they are black and white thinkers... .  but the situation with my pwBPD generally feels like I'm in limbo.

I had times where I didn't even know what to tell people what our relationship was.

Is all this confusion normal between you guys?

What happened to make things get this bad?

What is she telling her friends about you?---that is usually where the answer is.

[arabella]

My pwBPD does this. Says to just leave him and move on. Tells me that I should let him go and that he's no good for me, etc. I've discovered he does this when he's depressed and dysregulated. He wants reassurance that I still love him and that I won't leave even when he's pushing me away. It was really confusing at first, but I think I have a handle on it now. If I give even a HINT of perhaps pulling away at those times he goes into a full tail-spin and it's a mess.

Obviously no two people are alike, so I'm not sure if my story helps you at all, but it's one perspective. Just thought I'd throw it out there for you to consider (this is the "Staying" board after all - so I assume you don't want to just take her at her word and leave!)

Looking at her slightly different terminology, along with some of the other info you posted (re you helping her because she trusts you, etc) - perhaps it's her way of telling you she knows she needs your help combined with being scared to actually change? So you could maybe interpret it as, "help me, make me change, make things be different for me. I don't know what to do." Just a possibility.

[almost789]

I think your exactly right arabella. I have heard just that. When they are pushing you away they actually want you to stay through the pushing.

[Themis]

"When they are pushing you away they actually want you to stay through the pushing."

Is that what is happening to me?

Ok time to watch a comedy movie. All I want is to stop the painting black and how to get him back. Then I'll use the tools to keep him and stop that cycle.

My brain hurts.

[wanttoknowmore]

Thank you for your response. In fact, I saw her driving her car and got a glimpse .She looks tired and worn out... she has a white rosary hanging in front in the car(which is new and unusual) Seems like some kind of catholic influence on her. I waved. She did wave back reluctantly. I called.No answer.

My problem is if she wants me around why she keeps pushing me away even if try to approach her.  I remeber ,she used to say "less talk less mistake... no talk no mistake" I sent her a final text yesterday "I respect your wish to move on. Wish you health and happiness.  I will not contact you again. If you need to talk to me next 20 years, I will respond."  I know she is not with anyone else. The face book cover of our picture remains as it. I care about her wellbeing and want to help if and ever she contacts me again.

[Pugman]

My uBPDw and I have been married for 4 years... .  she was in a previous marriage for 4 years, at which point she left her prior husband because according to her, he was physically abusive and cheating on her. Based on what her family says, the guy was pretty shallow, and her explanation is probably accurate. But her family loves me and openly tell me that I have done more for her than anybody she has ever introduced them too. A this point in our relationship, I have made plenty of mistakes... .  very human mistakes... .  I have never physically touched her, or even called her bad names. I've become defensive, justified my mistakes, and argued my position... .  which I've learned not to do (JADE). But now, her pain is so deep that she is truly wanting me to leave her because she doesn't feel like she has a good enough explanation for her family as to why she would leave me. She is concerned more about what they will think than anything else. Se really doesn't have any friends anymore, but I know that she wants me to do something big and bad so she feels justified in leaving me. So she frequently tells asks me why I would stay with someone who hates me, or why I would want to stay with her at all. I love her, and tell her so. I've learned now that she will leave when she feels hurt. She has returned thus far every time. Today she is planning to leave while I am at work, we will see. The key for me has to accept personal responsibility for MY choices, for MY happiness, and realize that I just need to accept her and love her. Fighting is useless I won't participate. When she is dysregulated, talking is useless. If she feels she needs to end the relationship, there is nothing I can do... .  I send a text saying basically what you said and leave it up to her. It's very hard. Everything seems uncertain constantly. But I chose this, and continue to choose this, so I am responsible for my part.

It's a you place, but really learning what she is feeling inside has helped me to try and remember that this isn't personal.

[wanttoknowmore]

Arabella,

you may be right in your interpretation. In fact,a few days before she got dysregulated she told me "I have a bad personality... It can never be fixed"

Also, a lot of self loathing "i am bad, I am ugly... I am fat, i am old mama,You desrve better... you have a perfect life etc."

[arabella]

Pugman, I think you have exactly the right idea. There is only so much we can do and we need to keep ourselves healthy too!

Themis, that may or may not be what is happening to you, but since you have no real choice in the matter, you might as well just go with the flow. The less pressure you exert and the less critical and demanding you are, the sooner the 'black' period seems to end. Many of the tools here are focused on us as the non-BPD people and what we can do to stop making things worse - have you checked some of those out?

wanttoknowmore, it does indeed sound very similar to what I've experienced. She may truly just need some alone time in order to stabilize - more sensory input is often just overwhelming for pwBPD. I think you're doing the right thing. Detach with love!

[Pugman]

Arabella, I love that phrase "detach with love". It truly is all I can do. I have attempted (not very successfully) to study 12 step program for addiction to help with my "undiagnosed" codependency issues. One thing that I always fall back on is the serenity prayer "grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,  Courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference".

So to update what happened to my uBPDw today. I came home from work, she had not left. She was watching stand up comedy and asked me if I'd make some popcorn to share. HUH?   The more I learn, the more I realize that this condition has to be really, really hard for our BPD loved ones.