Introduction

[marysunshine]

Hi.  I am new to this community.  I am 43, mother of three happy children, and a wife of an awesome husband.  My mother has unBPD, although she is high functioning.  My father was an alcoholic and had something going on in that arena as well... .  possibly just enmeshment or the crazies  from dealing with her for 30 years and having zero coping skills but mixing a drink.  My father was a very respected lawyer in the South and my mother came from a "good pedigree".  He passed away 12 years ago.  While he was alive, the two played good cop/bad cop and my life was complete confusion. He was the one I was attached to, and loved, and so most of my inner healing was based around dealing with him.  I basically tried to ignore her, because her statements and actions were so bizarre and crazy.  She lives out of the Victorian era (the Queen/Victim) and I am a hippie love bug.  An obvious clash there!  When my father died, my mother's sickness had no where to hide and slowly, the full picture, of how crazy my life was with just ONE unhealthy parent, started to unfold.  Up until that point, our family had been mostly trying to keep dad from an alcoholic rage.  Mom's tricks were usually to control me to keep Dad calm.

I went through a tremendous amount of inner healing about 20 years ago, and learned how to change all my destructive patterns.   That process, which took 2+ years of daily crying and making hard choices, got me sober, over an eating disorder, and capable of becoming a faithful wife.  Without it, I would have probably end it by now in suicide.  I was also able to walk through my father's death with peace and joy over the great moments we had together.  I have "drafted" off of that inner healing until now.  

I rarely see my mother and have built a life 8 hours away from her for 15 years.  I rarely talk to her on the phone and she has not been permitted in my home for several years.  We have  a "good" relationship for the situation, but she cannot help but "be" BPD" -  cruel, judgemental, suspicious, ... .  the whole ball of wax. My husband and I are musicians and I am a teacher.  We live close to the edge financially... .  while we are building a base of song cuts, etc.  We are amazing fodder for her illness, because she can only see black and white. Financial struggle and risk is the proof you are a diseased person of some variety.  My husband has really helped me work through a myriad of BPD mannerisms I have used on him.  Finally, at 13 years of marriage, I am finally seeing and changing my own dysfunction and abusive tendencies with him and my children (mainly through acute anxiety moments and deep moments of despair) and am making a strong marriage where it was parodoxically both healthy and unstable (I can trace any crazy moment in myself to a trigger from a comment, judgement, or suspicion from mom... .  )  

I am pursuing a deeper level of healing and community because a month ago, she sent me a patronizing and mocking email that just sent me over the edge.  It was so undeserved and inaccurate, it was my tipping point.  It was as if I woke up all of a sudden.  I am back in an "inner healing crisis" like I had 20 years ago.  I have cried every day for a month.  I have had to pull over on the side of the road to cry.  My husband has made countless dinners while I delay coming home just so I can wail in my car without freaking out the kids.  Today I had to get an administrator to take over my class at the Elementary school where I teach because I just fell apart in class.  I have cut her from all contact for the 2nd time in 4 years.  All of the sudden my ":)on't Tread on Me" flag is up and I am pushing back from a personal place in my heart, instead of from more of an intellectual/clinical place of knowing what I need to do to save myself, marriage and homelife.   I am all of the sudden aware of how insane this has been... .   it just went down to my deepest parts and I am done.  My mother has robbed me of my life for over 20 years (when I started making decisions to become my own person) and I just caught how deeply she has sabotaged my ability to be present in my beautiful life.  I have missed my own journey because I have spent so much energy trying to please her, hide information from her, navigate her, detox from her, buffer my family from her poison.  Every cell in my body is sad, exhausted, and I am aware that she has robbed me.  I am not present.  I can only see what is wrong in my life that she can count as weakness and prove that I am not living up to pedigree and the investment of $$ my parents put into me.  No wonder it is so hard for me to want to live on a daily basis.  

I have a beautiful relationship with God, and He has gotten me through so much, but I have just hit a place where I feel like I am getting to feel the abuse and grieve how many seasons of my life got mocked, jabbed at, and stolen by her. I am very glad to be feeling it in my heart although it makes me almost unable to function right now.   I feel like she has ruined my life, because I can't get her out of my cells or thoughts or moments.

I am grateful for this website.  I really need this community to validate my experience and help me feel my loss so I can get into my life from a new perspective.

[123Phoebe]

marysunshine  !

Oh man, sounds like you are having a serious crisis with your mom and for that I am truly sorry.  Your post resonates with me so much, it's what brought me here, too.  It felt like I had been duped throughout of my entire life :'(

Finding this place was an awakening of my very own soul and I hope you find it to be a healing place, too, a sanctuary.

There are resources and information available here to draw strength from -- articles, workshops, tools, book reviews... .    And caring people that completey understand and get where you're coming from   I cannot begin to tell you how wonderful you will begin to feel about your very own life!  It sounds like it's already fulfilling in so many ways... .    Though our mother's seem to not understand any of it, nor care, if it's not about them.  Ugh, we are separate entities, but that mother-daughter bond is a strange one to be sure, even in all its dysfunctional glory. 

I went through a period of no contact to get my life back on track separate from my mother; just couldn't deal with her.  It took a long time, but I was able to redefine our relationship.  I hope you're able to do something similar, or find a way to be okay within yourself no matter what.

Please continue to post and reach out to the people here.  We're all in this together, at various stages of our own recovery, finding ways to be happy and whole, without the noise of another's confusion prattling away in the background, disrupting our peace of mind, compassion and who we were meant to be.

Thank you for joining, I'm so glad you found us,

Phoebe

[forgottenarm]

 

Hey Marysunshine 

Just wanted to say hello, as another adult daughter of a BPD mom.  It's a process, isn't it?  I've found that healing takes time.  Much to understand and accept.  It's good that you're here.

I thought you might benefit from some of the readings we have here.  These might be especially interesting to you:

How a Mother with BPD Affects Her Children

Children of BPD Parents: Reclaiming Our Lost Selves

[Suzn]

Hello Marysunshine

Welcome to bpdfamily.com. I'm sorry you're going through all of this with your mother and deeply sorry for the loss of your father.   I can hear how painful this is for you. It does take a lot of strength to heal and it sounds as though you worked really hard in the past to gain some acceptance.

What are your goals today, where do you see your relationship with your mother going?

[marysunshine]

Thank you for the support!  I am glad to be here.

My goal with my mother is more of a goal for myself: I want to truly be present in my life.  That is all.  If I am able to do that and have contact with my mother, that would be great.  If not, I think I am... .  at this moment... .  comfortable having no contact with her, possibly until her old, old age. (She is 70, healthy as a horse, and was told to expect to live until 90!) She has been cut off periodically by me, my sister, and my brother in law (who is a major peacemaker).  Two of my nephews have had serious drug abuse (both are in recovery), my sister is a recovering alcoholic... .  Mom is a huge part of the whole family sicknesses.  She has been told by young and old that she is not safe.  She has been asked to go to counselling for her own issues... .  for more than 4 years.  She has not.

I am a super compassionate person and have grace to take a lot of hits (obviously... .  haven't we all in this community)... .  so, I doubt I will end this journey separated from mom.  But because my husband and I are risking a lot to go after a dream... .  and things can be tough even though great things are in the works... .  I just need a break.  I need to figure out how to decompress enough to enjoy myself deeply before I let her sniff around anymore.

[forgottenarm]

Yes, finding your own center is key.  From there, you can experiment with different ways of letting your mom back in.

You'll probably find a lot of members working through similar issues at the L5 board (Healing from a Relationship with a Parent, Relative or Inlaw with BPD)---where this thread has been moved.  I hope you'll keep posting here and reading others' posts.  It's a great way to work through your feelings and learn more about ways to cope and improve your relationship.

I'm glad you're here!