Trying to understand my own thought patterns

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

So the exBPD is seeming very stable, very happy with life.  She called yesterday to see how the funeral I went to was, and if I was doing ok (she is a genuinely nice person and when she doesn't have her BPD head on, she comes across very normal - she's certainly not extreme).  She told me "you sound surprised I called?  You know I will always care about you".

It bothered me she was so happy/content where she is in life now.

It bothered me she was going to the zoo today and was excited about it (I know she'll be doing that with her new gf)

It bothered me she seemed ok, and level, and stable.

But I don't want her to be sad either!

Partly due to me being a rescuer I guess, but she was so unhappy (the "victim" stage) when I first met her, and I used to love doing little things like taking her to the zoo and seeing her smile.  It felt like I was the only one who could make her smile, make her happy. Nothing else did, nobody else did.

I am TOTALLY happy she is happy, I genuinely am.  She deserves it, she hasn't had the best life, and if I can't be the one to make her happy, then I am glad somebody else can.

I wish she could do it for HERSELF though, I wish it didn't have to be somebody else making her happy.

I have gotten to the stage where I know it's not best for me if she were to ever want me back.  It's taken a long time to get here.  But I know it's right.

I just HATE the thought of somebody else making her "ok".  I know it's not healthy (only just figured this out recently) that I was the one who made her so happy... .  looking back now I can see we were totally co-dependent.  She made me happy too.

It's a sting to the ego that somebody else can take her to do the little things we did together, and she's happy.

It makes me feel like I was nothing, that it wasn't time spent with ME (like I thought) that made her happy, but just that she has somebody making her feel safe and loved.

I did everything to make her happy, all the things she wanted to do (zoos, trips to the beach, days out etc). 

And I guess it hurts because to me they were special, things just for the two of us, our own little bubble in a big world.  They had meaning.  I have happy memories.  I am sad she is making happy memories with somebody else.

Yet I am happy she is happy.

My conflicting feelings make me unsettled and confused.

[mango_flower]

So the exBPD is seeming very stable, very happy with life.  She called yesterday to see how the funeral I went to was, and if I was doing ok (she is a genuinely nice person and when she doesn't have her BPD head on, she comes across very normal - she's certainly not extreme).  She told me "you sound surprised I called?  You know I will always care about you".

It bothered me she was so happy/content where she is in life now.

It bothered me she was going to the zoo today and was excited about it (I know she'll be doing that with her new gf)

It bothered me she seemed ok, and level, and stable.

But I don't want her to be sad either!

Partly due to me being a rescuer I guess, but she was so unhappy (the "victim" stage) when I first met her, and I used to love doing little things like taking her to the zoo and seeing her smile.  It felt like I was the only one who could make her smile, make her happy. Nothing else did, nobody else did.

I am TOTALLY happy she is happy, I genuinely am.  She deserves it, she hasn't had the best life, and if I can't be the one to make her happy, then I am glad somebody else can.

I wish she could do it for HERSELF though, I wish it didn't have to be somebody else making her happy.

I have gotten to the stage where I know it's not best for me if she were to ever want me back.  It's taken a long time to get here.  But I know it's right.

I just HATE the thought of somebody else making her "ok".  I know it's not healthy (only just figured this out recently) that I was the one who made her so happy... .  looking back now I can see we were totally co-dependent.  She made me happy too.

It's a sting to the ego that somebody else can take her to do the little things we did together, and she's happy.

It makes me feel like I was nothing, that it wasn't time spent with ME (like I thought) that made her happy, but just that she has somebody making her feel safe and loved.

I did everything to make her happy, all the things she wanted to do (zoos, trips to the beach, days out etc). 

And I guess it hurts because to me they were special, things just for the two of us, our own little bubble in a big world.  They had meaning.  I have happy memories.  I am sad she is making happy memories with somebody else.

Yet I am happy she is happy.

My conflicting feelings make me unsettled and confused.

[Rose Tiger]

I think the key word is 'seeming'.  When the ex is nice to me, it kind of irritates me because I know this is his false self.  Every waking moment of his life is perfecting and protecting this false self.  When you've seen behind the screen, you know the great and powerful oz is being projected by a little guy working the levers.

It would upset me to hear about a new love interest and what they were planning.  Can you go NC to protect yourself from additional pain?

[broken but not beaten]

I'm somewhat confused with my ex gf,we are nc but work in same company,however she avoids me and won't speak to others she normally would talk to when I'm around,I want her to be happy and not resent me the way she does,I don't understand it this feeling is holding back my healing its so difficult when all I did was love her and her daughter

[patientandclear]

MF:

pwBPD are in constant quest of a new story about how external circumstances are going to make them happy.  For a while, until that fails, they are going to seem really grounded and happy, because they think they have finally managed to find the arrangement--with a person, place, job, whatever--that is going to make them happy.  When you two were first together, it felt like that too.  Remember how happy your ex seemed?

But then when normal life occurs and there are challenges and imperfections and momentary unavailability and failure to completely intuit what is going on or you have to spend some time caring about someone else or you get sick or you're about to move in together & there's an engulfment crisis or ... .  and this is INEVITABLE ... .   the fantasy that they've succeeded in getting themselves rescued collapses.

With pwBPD it is ALWAYS going to seem like they've found a plan to be stable and happy, until that falls apart, and then they are going to scramble to find a new plan to be stable and happy.  They are devoting enormous effort to achieving that feeling.  It just can't last because what it's based on is not the ingredients for a genuine relationship.

Right now my ex has left town and is off traveling the world.  He's really happy about it.  I realized he's as happy about leaving as he was about us getting together.  At the beginning, he always feels like it -- whatever it is -- is going to be GREAT.  He is so optimistic.  He said that being on the road feels like "home."  And it does, for a bit, but then when it doesn't, he'll realize that wasn't the answer, and instead of realizing there is no "answer," he will try its opposite -- randomly and suddenly committing to a place and settling down somewhere -- and when he makes that decision he will feel so happy, and that it is finally the thing that will make the bad feelings go away.  And then when the bad feelings return, that too will have to be changed.

See?  It's a cycle of intense ups as well as awful downs, but because they are so uncomfortable with the downs, most of the time has to be spent engaged in the new plan to be happy.  So what you are hearing is inevitable, it just doesn't mean what it looks like it means.

[mango_flower]

Patientandclear - WOW!  That was so beautifully put.  And you're so right, I know that logically.

I think it's just harder as there was no "pattern" so to speak before this - she was single for years before she met me. (Though she did have a marriage to a man years back, and did something similar - ran away to a new town when it all went wrong).

It's confusing as I don't want her to be happier than she was with ME, with her new girl, yet at the same time, I still have such feelings of love and caring for her (unconditionally) that if she were to be sad/devastated again, it'd really impact me and I'd feel awful for her.

I just wish I could get to the place where I don't care either way, and I would just have the same feelings of "oh, that's a shame" as I would have for a stranger if it doesn't work for her... .  

Rosetiger: I am not sure if I WANT to go NC.  We had a strong friendship before we dated, and she's not an "extreme" case, she does have so much good in her.  I always want to be there as a friend for her, I know, I'm a mug! x

[Rose Tiger]

You are not a mug!   You are a nice caring person.

The questions is, what is more imporant, being a supportive friend or taking care of your own well being?  Maybe taking a break from the friendship to attend to your own feelings and recovery?  This early in the game, it is hard for you to hear about her dating, you know?

[HarmKrakow]

So the exBPD is seeming very stable, very happy with life.  She called yesterday to see how the funeral I went to was, and if I was doing ok (she is a genuinely nice person and when she doesn't have her BPD head on, she comes across very normal - she's certainly not extreme).  She told me "you sound surprised I called?  You know I will always care about you".

It bothered me she was so happy/content where she is in life now.

It bothered me she was going to the zoo today and was excited about it (I know she'll be doing that with her new gf)

It bothered me she seemed ok, and level, and stable.

But I don't want her to be sad either!

Partly due to me being a rescuer I guess, but she was so unhappy (the "victim" stage) when I first met her, and I used to love doing little things like taking her to the zoo and seeing her smile.  It felt like I was the only one who could make her smile, make her happy. Nothing else did, nobody else did.

I am TOTALLY happy she is happy, I genuinely am.  She deserves it, she hasn't had the best life, and if I can't be the one to make her happy, then I am glad somebody else can.

I wish she could do it for HERSELF though, I wish it didn't have to be somebody else making her happy.

I have gotten to the stage where I know it's not best for me if she were to ever want me back.  It's taken a long time to get here.  But I know it's right.

I just HATE the thought of somebody else making her "ok".  I know it's not healthy (only just figured this out recently) that I was the one who made her so happy... .  looking back now I can see we were totally co-dependent.  She made me happy too.

It's a sting to the ego that somebody else can take her to do the little things we did together, and she's happy.

It makes me feel like I was nothing, that it wasn't time spent with ME (like I thought) that made her happy, but just that she has somebody making her feel safe and loved.

I did everything to make her happy, all the things she wanted to do (zoos, trips to the beach, days out etc). 

And I guess it hurts because to me they were special, things just for the two of us, our own little bubble in a big world.  They had meaning.  I have happy memories.  I am sad she is making happy memories with somebody else.

Yet I am happy she is happy.

My conflicting feelings make me unsettled and confused.

1) Why put so much energy in how she feels about something? You don't want her to be sad, but you don't want her to be totally happy as it might feel like what you shared together didn't mean jack ___.

I sense a big 'idealization' in this opening post you wrote. If she was so great, why are you not together anymore?

When a BPD is 'happy', that is a different state of mind than when a non BPD is happy. Therefore as a NON BPD you cannot get bothered by what she 'might seemingly' feel or show to others. They perceive it different.

As she is a 'copier' of someone else behavior, she will always mimick the others and put on a smiley face and walk around happy.

[BP39]

Mango_flower...

Right now I feel for you because for a very long time I was on this board.the same way , HER, WHAT SHE IS , WANTS , FEELS, AND IS DOING

.at this point with her having the open door to openly call you and say you sound suprised that I called tells me she still has your heart with a firm grip... .  NOT GOOD... .  but in this stage of the game very understable... we have all been there.hate. to go back to myself but my classmates from months back .on this thread patient and clear rose tiger were with with me through some really dark days... .  

My 2cents for what its worth... .  you are going to have to sit with the mirror directly in front of YOU... .  this is going to take time... but believe and trust in whats in the mirror

Im telling you with that small convo you shared with us she will be back .question Is will you be strong enough and have enough self worth to fight this off.you deserve better... .  

Your ex isnt happy or the new person has this magical wand to fix her.its an act as soon as this person gets old or slip up and challenges her... .  OR IS TOO AGREEEABLE... shes goimg to reach back and if you dont have the windows and doors latched shut she will crawl back in your life and repeat ... .  you are worth more.trust me if this person she is with has any idea one day they will be here too they would run... .  unless its someone she controls... but yet again she will get tired of them ... .  then the triaingulaton begins... .  once again im about a year into my mess.and just 3 months ago mine took a good hard run at me I fell for it thinking she was sincere... .  guess what she was in a stage and has ran again but shes injured from.a vac trip her and the new one took... oh they were so happy on the trip until she got hurt... .  now shes miserable he has to take care of her... .  hes the saviour righ... .  let him deal with that miserable ~... .  my life is so much better without that ... .  she was a mess with me and looking at it now she is amess without me... .  THIS IS ABOUT YOU.MANGO_FLOWER .eyes in the mirror. And look hard at you... it gets better... you have to focus on you... .  bp39






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