I've had enough of life, where do I go from here?

[Rose Tiger]

I'm pulling for you, Harmkrakow.  Sending thoughts of peace, wisdom and healing your way.  Dreams reveal our innermost feelings and help us work through them.  Things can feel bleak and overwhelming, please hang in there and give it some time.  This experience is going to grow your character and you will become a stronger person, I guarantee it.  Hang in there for your future family, as you heal and become healthier, you'll have opportunities.  You can take that to the bank. 

[arabella]

Have you seen Skip's post re emotional memory management? I know reading an article isn't going to magically make you feel better, but I thought maybe some of the tips for overcoming depression might help you. Maybe it can help you to end the suicidal thinking loop. At the very least, it's a distraction. https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=103393.0

Hang in there harmkrakow. I know you can't see your way through to the future right now. I've been on that miserable ride. It's like treading water and there's no shoreline in sight. It feels like it would just be easier to sink because, I mean, if you can't even see a hint of land - what's the point in swimming? But you never know when a boat will appear... .  and it always does, you will just be very, very tired (exhausted even) when it arrives. You don't need to plan out your future right now, you don't need to know what your boat looks like, you just need to hang on until things start to change. The world, opportunities, people, environment, everything will keep changing, even without your energy or input, and eventually something will click. Sending you strength. 

[C12P21]

Reading your posts reminds me of the overwhelming pain I once felt over the break up with my exdBPD (w/NPD traits) bf.

Whew, the thoughts, waking up, the emotional pain was terrifying because I wanted it all behind me and done with, I just wanted away from the hurt.

I learned a technique that helped ease the upset... not get rid of it, but made it manageable in the moment. I would allow myself to hurt, allow myself to cry and would control my breathing and focus on the area of my body where I hurt. While doing this, I would tell myself, "I am in emotional pain, this pain is hurtful, I accept that I am sad and hurting and realize that there will come a moment, then an hour, then a day, then a week where I will not hurt like this, I accept that not only does this hurt but also, that I will heal".

I also read a book that is now listed on this site, it is titled

JOURNEY FROM ABANDONMENT TO HEALING

Susan Anderson guides you through Five Stages that accompany a loss of love. Decades of research…

This book helped me to understand what I was going through, both emotionally and physically and although the healing process took time, finding this information helped reassure me that I would be okay.

Sorry you are going through this... .  we are here and understand. Keep posting... .  

C

[P.F.Change]

.But those suicide feelings don't dissapear. I even dreamed about it last night, dreamed about the note, dreamed about how to do it, what to do, who to invite etc. I woke up around 4AM and all I thought about it how to do it, what to write, it felt like a weird dream.

I'm thinking it might be a good thing for you to call and describe this to your GP. I'm sure you've been given instructions to "give it a couple of weeks" for the antidepressant to kick in, but that doesn't mean it's not ok to call before then. To me it sounds like the suicidal ideation is getting more intrusive, and that is something your prescribing doctor will want to know about. He may want to observe you more closely while you see if this medication at this dosage will do the trick.

What do you think--can you call and describe these thoughts and dreams to your GP?

Keep hanging in there, and remember you're not hanging alone.

PF

[HarmKrakow]

I can and I will tomorrow morning. It was a very lucid weird dream. Since i've been taking these pills, I wake up roughly around 3/4 AM. And after that till my alarm it's some weird deep dream where you can picture everything and you see it as happen as your own spectator. Unfortunately, they seem very nice, it feels nice. It feels like without the burden on my shoulders. It's like a mixture of telling about what I went through with my ex BPD gal and my lost interest in life. And ofc. the say sorry to all. My issue is when I wake up, it feels not awesome, but just very relieving to do so. Not as in, oh man, I have to throw myself, but more as in, man to be in that dream felt so good. I'm not sure if you understand what I'm saying.

The only thing the anti-depressants have done so far (seroxat) is make sure I can't cry full emotionally anymore. Just little tears. it's like I can feel it's blocking tears. Which in a sense is weird as I've cried so much last months 

When I get out of this, I will never tell people ever again to, 'man up', 'act normal' or don't 'overdramatize' when they don't feel well emotionally. I mean, I even feel guilty for the fact that I sometimes told employees to 'buff it up' when they had relationship issues.

[waitaminute]

Harmkrakow,

I'm glad you're posting here . It's too much to keep inside. And other people without BPD experience have trouble understanding.

[C12P21]

Insert Quote

I can and I will tomorrow morning.

Good.

When I get out of this, I will never tell people ever again to, 'man up', 'act normal' or don't 'overdramatize' when they don't feel well emotionally

Yes, you gain insight and sensitivity to others suffering when you have gone through an ordeal like this. What is admirable about you is you are seeking professional help, writing about your experience, and working on your mental and emotional health. I know it sounds lame right now, but the work you are doing in understanding yourself and what has  happened to you will make you stronger in the long run. When others on this board would state this to me, I remember thinking, no way would the pain ever end. It does however and you receive something precious in return, you learn to love yourself and develop insight into you. You become happier with who you are, you learn self acceptance.

I mean, I even feel guilty for the fact that I sometimes told employees to 'buff it up' when they had relationship issues.

Well, think of it this way, there is who you were before rwBPD and who you are now... .  the who you are now will come out of it stronger and wiser.

Keep posting, you are not alone. 

C

[HarmKrakow]

Thought I couldn’t sink lower but after I went to work again today I felt so powerless and lonely that it the thought of, what am I doing it for, was getting too much to my head. I’ve spent the entire day at work, didn’t do a whole lot, although I’m sitting next to colleagues at work, being with them, and working in their environment makes me feel more lonely than when I’m sitting in an hotel right now alone. Not sure if that makes sense, but the loneliness and shallow conversations at work are killing.

I didn’t have a great day at work, they told me what’s up? I told them, well, you know, my ex. The thing you hear is; STILL? Jeebus Harm, get over her. She wasn’t that special, she lives miles away from you, you won’t ever have to see her again and she treated you like dirt, she broke up with you in an email and then only left you a day later with the allowance to say something about it ... .  You have enough reasons to dislike her and you are still upset about her? Seriously man, get your ~ together.  And then they tell me, what happened to you man? You allowed a girl like that, with such a history (sexual/mental abuse) who is very fragile ... to walk over you, to mentally abuse you, to shout at you, to rage at you, to call you all sorts of names and you all took the hits until your defense was broken and she looked down at you as a pitiful shameful guy with no dignity and backbone and just a pathetic little pile of garbage and then she walked away. That girl, that is the girl you still feel so bad about? GET YOUR ~ TOGETHER!

It just made me more sad, I was like a zombie finishing my work today and left around 7. Back to the hotel as I live 2 hours by train away from work. I knew when I went to the hotel that I was slipping away in my head. It all felt so useless. Pointless, what the ___ am I doing these things for. They don’t appreciate my work at the office and can’t vent there either. Other than that they are all slick shallow guys/girls who think less of people who didn’t go on skiing holiday twice a year or didn’t go to the best uni in town. Nouveau riche, it’s disgusting. I so don’t feel at home there.

When I came back to the hotel, I had no idea what to do. I didn’t feel like doing anything. I went on facebook and checked my mail. Would she… ? No ofcourse not ...

I went into town on my own for a hour of 2, just walking and walking. I seriously felt more like giving up every minute I went into walking. I wanted to go for a beer on my own, I didn’t, I couldn’t. I just thought, so why would I do that? I looked at the river when I was on a bridge, and the thought of, jump, no-one would notice, no one would ever know where you went or what happened and you’d be free from your pain. It’s not like you have a voice in your head saying left or right, or you feel pressured by something within you to do so, nothing like that. It’s just as my head tells me, that there, is freedom, out here, is struggle. The thought of, also made me calm, it didn’t freak me out. Which is weird. I went on with my walk and tried to call a few to see if they would be available for a talk, but none was.

So what about the people who would miss you? My closest friends think I’m an idiot for putting up with so much mental abuse from her plus that I’ve let them down, because I put my ex on nr 1 and didn’t talk to my friends anymore, that I’ve spent literally thousands of euro’s to fly to her and believe in the ‘love would prevail’. And now ofc. my ex tells me that it was all my fault and she never wanted me to put her on number 1. My friends have relationships and are about to live together. Age range (23-27). My family? Never had a good connection with them, they always lived far away. They are quite proud family. I introduced my ex to my mother and my father, just a few weeks before the hatred phase started... I couldn’t phase my mother telling her it’s not going to work out (she’s disabled).  It’s scary that other people don’t prevent me from considering such a huge thing in life.  I feel emberassed, greatly emberassed that I let myself in such a trap. The mere thought of her makes me feelings of puke.

Normally I would do something which I liked in the past. But it took me years to develop myself as a person, with those hobbies I had. She mirrored everything I liked and I can’t do any of that to relax or take my mind of things  if it wasn’t for this, it would already have been a lot easier. So I feel sad and lonely, what do you do? You contact friends. First thing they ask me, is it over between you and her? You still upset about her? Duuuuuuude... GET OVER HER...

So I ask myself, do I not want to live anymore? No, I don’t. Why? Because you miss your ex? Because you feel lonely? Because you feel unjustice has been done? Because you feel empty? Maybe some of those, but the biggest hit is by far the prospect, the future. I seriously feel like I can’t get a better life than I had. I don’t have energy to fight anything anymore. It took me years to get where I was, and I had everything JUST FINE, until I met her. When I was lonely back then, I didn’t see it as lonely, I moved to a different country on my own when I was 20, and you know what? I was looking forward to it! And I aced it! Top of my class, social life was fine, had fun. Now? I am not looking forward to anything. I don’t have will power left over to fight for anything. Nothing at all. I don’t feel that passion, I don’t feel that energy anymore. I don’t, I just don’t. I don’t feel that little spirit in my brain when you see the sun, you smile, when you help an elderly across the street you’d feel satisfaction, anything like that... .  I don’t feel it, I’m not sure if you can understand. But I just don’t feel it. I don’t. I really really don’t. I don’t feel it and it’s ~less scary. It’s maybe not completely emptiness but pure sole despair, a sole eternal hopelessness.

And you know what the problem is? If my ex would come back, I would give her another chance, I would. I seriously would while all I now want is just to dissolve. I’ve had it, I can’t cry due to the pills, but I don’t want this pain anymore. I don’t. I’ve seriously hit a point in my life where I can genuinely say, If I don’t wake up tomorrow, I wouldn’t mind. They can deal with the rest. The pain is so big, I seriously can’t see it getting any better.

I’ve lost hope, I’ll try to get some rest, and officially I have to wake up again at 7am 2morrow morning. I’m lying in a little hotel 20 minutes from work in a shady area. I’ve given up hope. How can I start working on myself if I feel that I don’t know what im doing it for? This is not me, my best friends are telling me, Harm, what the feck happened to you man? They look at me with a certain disgust (culture).

I feel like I let many people down, including my ex and myself. The sheer utter pain is to much.

[Cumulus]

Please harmkrakow don't hurt yourself. Is there a hot line you can phone so you can talk to a real person. People do care. People you have never met and will likely never meet but who respond to your posts because we hear a beautiful person writing to us through the pain. I don't know what to say to you, but I have felt your specialness too. I drive home from work and think, I wonder if harms medications are starting to work yet, I'll wake in the middle of the night and think of you hoping you are getting sleep and peace away from the torment your soul is dealing with these days. Please harmkrakow, find a crisis centre or line.

[P.F.Change]

The crisis lines are a good idea. You can talk to someone right now and don't have to try to wait until morning. Do you still have the numbers the mods gave you? If not, PM whoever is online and they will help you out with that.

I can remember when my depression was almost at its worst, feeling afraid that if I allowed myself to be alone I would end up following through on my suicidal ideations. I survived for a while by making myself go be where others were... .  either a friend's apartment or a public place. But eventually I needed more than that. It sounds like you are just about in that place. I think you may need to consider seeking some inpatient help until things stabilize.

I know how intense these feelings can be, believe me. You are doing the right thing asking for help. These feelings really will pass when you have help. It will not feel this way forever.

Call a hotline tonight.  You can also head to an ER--that's why they're there. I want to hear from you tomorrow how the night went.

PF

[just me.]

Please harmkrakow don't hurt yourself. Is there a hot line you can phone so you can talk to a real person. People do care. People you have never met and will likely never meet but who respond to your posts because we hear a beautiful person writing to us through the pain. I don't know what to say to you, but I have felt your specialness too. I drive home from work and think, I wonder if harms medications are starting to work yet, I'll wake in the middle of the night and think of you hoping you are getting sleep and peace away from the torment your soul is dealing with these days. Please harmkrakow, find a crisis centre or line.

Yes... .  this.  All of this.

I've been worried about you... .  not just because I'm afraid some stranger might be in trouble, but rather because I can tell that there is a very special person that is in trouble.  Someone with perception, and truth, and poetry in his heart.  Reading your posts here have actually made me cry, and that never happens to me.  The world needs more people like you.  It's a better place with people like you here.  hit the people that can't see that or make you feel that.  There are people out there that have searched their whole long lives for a friend like the one you could be to them.  Stay strong for them.  And stay strong for us.  Get help.  Please.

[ScarletOlive]

harm, still here for you, still listening. It sounds like tonight things have gotten worse. Please don't beat yourself up over it. It is okay to feel how you do. Feelings just are, they're not good or bad. Maybe you can call a hotline and just talk to someone? They are really nice and you can be anonymous too.

To stay present and keep yourself ok, maybe you can count red things in the room and say them out loud, drink some cocoa, punch a pillow, listen to music, watch tv, take a bath, exercise, do something soothing that helps you feel safe. Breathe in deeply through your nose and out through your mouth and tell the breath to go all the way to your stomach.

Can you make a promise to yourself that you will not hurt yourself? You are worth keeping safe. We care about you here and those in your life care about you. I'll sit with you here until the joy returns to your heart. 

[Phoenix.Rising]

Harmkrakow, Here are some thoughts that have helped me along the way:  It's always darkest before the dawn.  Don't give up before the miracle happens.  This too shall pass.  One day at a time.  Easy Does It.  There is always hope as long as I am still breathing.

We have never "met", but I care about you and I'm sending positive thoughts your way.  Sometimes I would hate hearing statements like I mentioned above, but they really are true if you allow it.  Have you considered any type of recovery group?  That has helped me tremendously.   

Phoenix.Rising

[arabella]

Harm, listening to what you're going through brings me to tears. It's always the kindest souls that suffer the most. I do understand what you're going through. I know what it's like to stand in the sun and not feel the heat, to watch the world spin by and just be standing still in the middle. It's surreal. And it's terrible. And it eventually stops being that way. It does. It gets better.

Please keep posting. We're here for you! 

[C12P21]

Thought I couldn’t sink lower but after I went to work again today I felt so powerless and lonely that it the thought of, what am I doing it for, was getting too much to my head. I’ve spent the entire day at work, didn’t do a whole lot, although I’m sitting next to colleagues at work, being with them, and working in their environment makes me feel more lonely than when I’m sitting in an hotel right now alone. Not sure if that makes sense, but the loneliness and shallow conversations at work are killing

Hey,

I don't know if this helps, but I certainly hope that it does because you sound so lost and sad. The people at work are there for a reason, your job. Of course you feel lonely because you are going through something intensely sad and heartbreaking, work is work and your personal life is just that... .  separate. Work is usually an end to a means, but your personal life is WHO YOU ARE. Try to not confuse the two, although I realize that often times people do that.

I want you to know something because I think it might help, on the day I won TWO awards on a state and national level, the only thing I felt was despair because the person I wanted to share it with was gone... .  

I smiled and did the dance when accepting the awards but inside, shoot... .  I felt like a scarecrow. Guess what... the day passed and now, it no longer matters that he wasn't there, or that my co-workers had no idea how much I hurt inside. You will get through this, you will, I promise. Trust the process... .  

The thing you hear is; STILL? Jeebus Harm, get over her. She wasn’t that special, she lives miles away from you, you won’t ever have to see her again and she treated you like dirt, she broke up with you in an email and then only left you a day later with the allowance to say something about it ... .  You have enough reasons to dislike her and you are still upset about her? Seriously man, get your ~ together.  And then they tell me, what happened to you man? You allowed a girl like that, with such a history (sexual/mental abuse) who is very fragile ... to walk over you, to mentally abuse you, to shout at you, to rage at you, to call you all sorts of names and you all took the hits until your defense was broken and she looked down at you as a pitiful shameful guy with no dignity and backbone and just a pathetic little pile of garbage and then she walked away. That girl, that is the girl you still feel so bad about? GET YOUR  please read               | TOGETHER!

Right, you will hear all kinds of invalidating garbage from people that are either in denial or have never encountered a PWBPD (w/NPD traits). Here is the reality... .  YOU know how YOU are feeling. They cannot validate your experience, unless they have been through it... or if they are a close friend. Trust you gut, you are hurting, you know how you are feeling, you don't need their affirmation, love on you. Don't wait for them to tell you your feelings are okay, love on you. Accept this, and realize, it takes time, distance, and education to work through these kinds of feelings.   

It all felt so useless. Pointless, what the ___ am I doing these things for.

Yes, we have all felt that way, you are not alone.

I looked at the river when I was on a bridge, and the thought of, jump, no-one would notice, no one would ever know where you went or what happened and you’d be free from your pain. It’s not like you have a voice in your head saying left or right, or you feel pressured by something within you to do so, nothing like that. It’s just as my head tells me, that there, is freedom, out here, is struggle. The thought of, also made me calm, it didn’t freak me out. Which is weird. I went on with my walk and tried to call a few to see if they would be available for a talk, but none was.

Even if they are not there right now, we are, okay? People may not realize the pain you are in, but the ones posting on this board do and want you to know we are here. It might be cyber space but we are here... .  and I bet if you think about it , there are others out there in your world that care too... .  

But it took me years to develop myself as a person, with those hobbies I had. She mirrored everything I liked and I can’t do any of that to relax or take my mind of things  if it wasn’t for this, it would already have been a lot easier. So I feel sad and lonely, what do you do?

You rebuild and what you build is different and more beautiful... .  but you just have to hang on long enough to realize this...

. I seriously feel like I can’t get a better life than I had. I don’t have energy to fight anything anymore. It took me years to get where I was, and I had everything JUST FINE, until I met her. When I was lonely back then, I didn’t see it as lonely, I moved to a different country on my own when I was 20, and you know what? I was looking forward to it! And I aced it! Top of my class, social life was fine, had fun. Now? I am not looking forward to anything. I don’t have will power left over to fight for anything. Nothing at all. I don’t feel that passion, I don’t feel that energy anymore. I don’t, I just don’t. I don’t feel that little spirit in my brain when you see the sun, you smile, when you help an elderly across the street you’d feel satisfaction, anything like that... .  I don’t feel it, I’m not sure if you can understand. But I just don’t feel it. I don’t. I really really don’t. I don’t feel it and it’s ~less scary. It’s maybe not completely emptiness but pure sole despair, a sole eternal hopelessness.

Hey... .  I understand, I really do. Your heart is broken, shattered and you are left trying to find the pieces... you are human... .  right now the energy you need to direct is not toward someone else, or something else... the energy you need to direct on crossing that street is ON YOU. You are the elderly person, the sun that needs less clouds in the sky... YOU, you need the love, the attention. GIVE IT TO YOU and maybe it doesn't feel good, or right, or even a reprieve from the pain to give your best love TO YOU. You are crossing the street and you need YOU to guide you through the sadness, to find the light, to get to the other side.

If my ex would come back, I would give her another chance, I would. I seriously would while all I now want is just to dissolve. I’ve had it, I can’t cry due to the pills, but I don’t want this pain anymore. I don’t. I’ve seriously hit a point in my life where I can genuinely say, If I don’t wake up tomorrow, I wouldn’t mind. They can deal with the rest. The pain is so big, I seriously can’t see it getting any better.

Of course you would take her back, in a heart beat because of the depth of what you feel. Now I ask you this, can you turn it around back to you? Can you give you the love... the passion that you feel toward her, to you? Try it... .  please. The effort takes time but I promise you, when you do, in time, YOU WILL FEEL BETTER.

I’ve lost hope, I’ll try to get some rest, and officially I have to wake up again at 7am 2morrow morning. I’m lying in a little hotel 20 minutes from work in a shady area. I’ve given up hope. How can I start working on myself if I feel that I don’t know what im doing it for?

You are doing it for you, for YOU! The person that your Momma went through so much pain to give birth too, GET IT? The little fellah that swam and beat all the other sperm at conception, the guy THAT MADE IT! Right? Don't give up, you are in pain, you are sad, but YOU WILL GET THROUGH THIS, PROMISE.

Keep posting, you are not alone. 

C

[HarmKrakow]

I did seek for help this morning, as I had no other choice. Am at work atm. And yes, the comment which was made, be around other people, be around others, be around. I think I did that last night by walking around, but it still feels like ducking my head in the sand.  

And the loneliness and no prospect feeling is so aching. It's driving me crazy. I've been single before, I never(!) had this lonely feeling. Never, never ever. Why? Because I always had something to fight for, a new goal, a new target, a new job, a new project, a new hobby. Seeing friends etc.

Every time I cried, she told me, why are you crying? I wasn't allowed to cry and every time I did she told me, stop it, it's only pushing me further away from you. She has no attachment with previous things which have happened.

I know that i'm just one week in to my anti-depressants, but still, this pain, it's ridiculous. I never believed that one day you could have it all, to just have nothing anymore the day after. And just be told, dude, WE TOLD YOU SO, grow up, be a man, etc. You let yourself get stripped off your identity by someone who complains to you, that in her previous relationship, she got stripped of her identity by her ex abusive boyfriend.

I wonder you guys, should I cut off all contact with my ex? My ex contacted me that she wants to keep me as a friend, she appreciated all i have done for her and that we can have mutual respect for each other for ever. She wants to see me again but not now, and only under her conditions. I've been playing that game far to long (since october, when the hatred phase started) and I've been saying yes and amen on everything she suggested, but i'm not entirely ridiculous, i am at the end of my rope and she was the one, after nc and brutal rages and mental abuse, broke it off. Now she is happy, tells me she is happy, looking forward to every other day, has a nice social life while 2 months ago she cried and shouted to me that if she would throw herself out of a hotel window no one would care about her. Also cuz her sis got kids, she now tells me she wants kids however she tells me, you need two for that, and tells me how much she loves her sister while back when we were together she cried every time she had to go there. As you might have read from the topic I posted about her sister. As you can imagine, it all feels like punches while i'm already lying K.O. on the floor  Not to long ago she wanted to marry me and have me as father of her kids.

It's so dysfunctional, it's screws with my head.

Rather than kicking her of my FB, 1/5th of my friends are also her friends (surprised? I guess not). I even think of just restarting a entire new FB, entire new email. I can even tell you guys she still knows she has the password of my personal email address as she always checked what I was doing, who I was sending messages to etc.

I just want to forget about all this, as it didn't happen. A lucid, weird, horrible nightmare for 2 years. Promise each other the world, had to tell her I love her every night. I had to say every morning and every evening that I loved her. If I didnt finish the evening conversation with I love you, she would say, isn't there something else you would like to say?

There was not ONE day without heavy contact. I told her, I’m not in favor of that, but well, if I was to date her, this was the way forward.

I think she is currently with her sister, and her family probably flew over. I have urges to contact her and ask her how she is doing, because she said, we have a long way to become very very good friends again, and i'm sure she will just use this against me again .

And you know what, I never raged at her, I never cursed at her, never, not in 2 years. Never. Never ever, and as of this point, I regret, because I all let it happen. She never took the blame for something and if she did, it was just a quick sentence, im sorry.  When i tried to work out her debt issues, any email I wrote about an update she raged furiously, are you trying to get me scared? Why are you emailing me this? You know I wont sleep now etc. Pfft.

And above all, when she had her hatred phase, I had flight tickets booked to visit her and she would mail me, that I don’t have empathy at all and don’t have to come visit her. I don’t have empathy, I lack the ability to understand someone else’s feelings unless being told to. She told me many, many times. I remember when I met her first time, she was writing her thesis. She had a ring around her finger but looked sad. I asked her, whats up? She told me her story, wanting to get married with her bf at the time, were trying for a baby, but he hits me, he gambles, he sexually abuses me. i was like, what are you doing with a guy like that? She was clever, intelligent and I felt like I found my woman. Intelligent raw diamond, who just needed a bit of polishing... I at that time spoke to her for hours, till 3/4 in the morning, day after day, to stand up for herself. Few months later we lived together ...

I seriously feel used, as some chewing gum which was necessary after her nasty previous relationship with her ex. To bump her self-confidence and mental awareness.

I feel like I let her down. I do people.

[Rose Tiger]

Hi Harm,

The type of contact that you wish with her is up to you, we will support whatever decision you make.  I'm glad you've made it through the first week of medication and hope you are feeling better real soon.    Good on you for getting out and walking, helps get those endorphins flowing.  Take care, keep posting, we are here for you.

Oh, wanted to add, if there are any 12 step groups in your area, please consider joining one.  It's a good way to connect with safety and it helps in recovery. 

[Cumulus]

Hi harmkrakow, I am glad to see you here this morning, and that you got some extra help. It takes a strong person to say that and then follow through.

I really like shiny new cars. I learned when I am in a new car show room and am seeing that pretty little convertible with the big price tag, and the salesman is telling me I definitely can afford it and here's how I can work it out, to walk away. I learned I need time. Time to get away from the pressure, to look at my finances on my own and to make a decision on if what I will need to give up is worth the pretty little car. Sometimes, the answer has been yes and I buy the car, but not always.

Take the time you need harm, to make the decisions that are right for you.

[maria1]

Hi Harmkrakow

I'm so sorry you're at the bottom of everything right now and feeling so bad. Your sensitivity and ability to say it how it is is very special and I hope you can get some small comfort from the fact that we all mean it when we say we are here for you because you are you.

I think your instincts to get through this and recover are telling you to go totally NC and take a break from your ex completely. I know that when I came to these boards I was reeling and had no idea how to get any clarity. NC gave me the space to recover I needed. The problem with keeping contact is that your ex will scramble your thoughts and feelings just when you get one foot positioned on the ladder out of the darkness you're in. Your ex abused you emotionally and she'll do it again, subtly and cleverly and seemingly unconsciously. It's a disorder Harmkrakow and we have to keep away from it and heal ourselves. My ex would have carried on causing me pain until he saw me on my knees and then he would have carried on because he has a huge hole inside him that he doesn't know how to fill. My death wouldn't have proved my love for him. He himself struggles with suicidal ideation and I truly believe that in some twisted way my wanting to die would have validated his own self hatred.

"I even think of just restarting a entire new FB, entire new email. I can even tell you guys she still knows she has the password of my personal email address as she always checked what I was doing, who I was sending messages to etc."

Do it- start again without links to her. You'll be surprised how freeing it is. And NC will give you a focus and these boards can really help you with it. It's not easy but it might be a way forward for you.

And it might not too- I'm responding to what you seem to want in your post. The famous 2010 really helped me see that my ex was not the person I thought he was and that I needed to look after me.

You're a good man going through hell and you are getting through this a day at a time. That takes amazing strength. You will come out the other side an even better man.  

[Suzn]

NC is a tool. It's for you, when you are feeling highly emotional and need to get on your feet it can help. When there is a need to become more centered, NC helps.

Do you believe what she told you about you today H?

[waitaminute]

Harm,

You've written a lot. Your emotional depth and introspection is a strong characteristic. But like a nuclear reactor that someone has sabotaged, your strength is now turned on yourself instead providing power to those around you... .  Including your ex.

I generally stay away from trying to give people hope that they can rejoin their BPDex. And generally I think that people here are better off without the BPD partner. So I am cautious here. Yet, I will say that if there is any hope for you to be "the one" for your ex in the future, it will only be if that power that you have is turned 100% towards your own recovery until you are whole again.

It is unlikely that you can accomplish that "rebuilding" if you are in contact with your ex. So I recommend that the emotional power plant that we know as Harmkrakow go offline (i.e. NC) until such time that you are strong again... .  even stronger than before.

Whether that leads in a few years to a reconnection with your ex or to a new relationship is something that God and the universe will bring to pass. Your job is to just rebuild Harmkrakow.

I read that she wants to remain friends. Sure... .  The best of all worlds for her. But our behavior has consequences. And her behavior has (maybe unintentionally) sabotaged your inner heart and soul and mind. The price is that she will have to live without you forever or until such time that you are rebuilt as strong as ever... .  even stronger. And that is exactly how I would put it to her in the short message to her that says goodbye.

[HarmKrakow]

NC is a tool. It's for you, when you are feeling highly emotional and need to get on your feet it can help. When there is a need to become more centered, NC helps.

Do you believe what she told you about you today H?

I don't know what to believe anymore. Rather than going back to the hotel after work, I went back home, train sit for an hour or 2, but I thought it was the best idea. Although I shared so much memories with her here, the place feels daunting as I can see her propping up here yet again. I am definitely not feeling better than yesterday, and will yet again write of a lot of emotions soon after some food.

Harm,

You've written a lot. Your emotional depth and introspection is a strong characteristic. But like a nuclear reactor that someone has sabotaged, your strength is now turned on yourself instead providing power to those around you... .  Including your ex.

I apologize if I write to much. I like to write, as it in a way settles me down and I also like to do so to remind myself of thinking patterns, some sort of cognitive behavioral therapy. I believe that by expressing your feelings as good as you can, although to unknown ones in this case, I don't keep it within me, because if I do, it might boil more towards a negative side, as that is what it doesn't do at the moment. And is something I would like to prevent. I fully agree with the rest you said.

[waitaminute]

Harm,

Please don't stop writing. You are right about the value of expressing your feelings and thoughts. It is through your writing that I detect a powerful emotion. In fact, after I wrote that post I thought a better metaphore than a power reactor was an ocean. Water. Deep. Full of life and yes... powerful.

[OTH]

Yes. Let her know you need time apart to heal. It is time to heal your emotions and she made it clear she isn't going to be helpful. Time to put Harm first in this equation. Yes?

NC is a tool. It's for you, when you are feeling highly emotional and need to get on your feet it can help. When there is a need to become more centered, NC helps.

Do you believe what she told you about you today H?

[just me.]

Hi Harm.   

We're all still here with you.  How are you doing today?

[Surnia]

Hi Harm.   

We're all still here with you.  How are you doing today?

This was exactly my thought right now.