I need to be needed

[sunrising]

I've been over on the "leaving" board for a few weeks and I've read several times that my goal should be to take my focus off my exwBPD and our failed relationship and shift my focus to me.  What made me stay in a toxic relationship?  What need did the relationship fulfill for me?

I thought about this a lot over the weekend. I pride myself in giving sound advice.  I have friends and family who routinely request my advice in matters of business, communications, even relationships (ironically).  I enjoy this.  My exwBPD was always requesting my advice on personal matters and was always very receptive to my advice.  I even directly handled some of her adult situations.   Specifically, I can think of several issues with her son that I handled for her; issues with other kids' parents and even with her son's dad. 

What I think I've come to realize is that at least part of my co-dependency comes from a "need to be needed".  I'm hoping there's a better term for this and some suggested reading. 

Thanks in advance. 

[atcrossroads]

That's me too.  I am getting ready to tackle the "me" issues in T.  Up to now, my therapy has largely focused on how unhealthy my r/s was but not so much my "need to be needed," which is at the heart of why we fit together like lock and key.  He needed some fixing, and I am a fixer.  Hmm... .  the question is why do we need that validation to feel good about ourselves.  Aren't we enough?

[sunrising]

That's me too.  I am getting ready to tackle the "me" issues in T.  Up to now, my therapy has largely focused on how unhealthy my r/s was but not so much my "need to be needed," which is at the heart of why we fit together like lock and key.  He needed some fixing, and I am a fixer.  Hmm... .  the question is why do we need that validation to feel good about ourselves.  Aren't we enough?

That is the question. And how do I balance being helpful and supportive, which is obviously generally ok, with not being co-dependent and "needing to be needed".  I am going to dig into this in therapy too.   Like you, my therapy since the break has been focused in the relationship, why it failed, etc.   I think I'm pretty squared away on that, at least with respect to my x's disorder.  I now want to examine what role I played and consider my "need to be needed" along with any others potentially dangerous emotional/ mental challenges I have. 

[maria1]

Hi sunrising

I think you might find 'Codependent no More' by Melody Beattie useful. It has answers to your questions.

All the best with this journey and great respect to you for stepping out and forward

[Cumulus]

I always thought of it as need and feed I needed to be needed (confused that with love). My xBPDh had no problem using up my stores of being needed, then when he sensed me nearing depletion he would "feed" me, didn't take much, and I'd be ready for whatever else he might need me for.

Moving forward, I know I'll always want to be needed. Will no longer confuse that with love however and that I think is what is important for me. I am going to try and move the being needed out of the one to one personal relationship and look to giving as a volunteer at a community service.

[healingmyheart]

Don't we all need to be needed to a certain degree?  I know I do... .  is that such a bad thing... .  as I'm sitting here eating my chocolate covered nuts thinking when I'll ever have sex again... .  is that a need or a want... .  I'm not sure anymore... .  excuse me, just rambling as I feel sorry for myself

[sunrising]

Don't we all need to be needed to a certain degree?  I know I do... .  is that such a bad thing... .  as I'm sitting here eating my chocolate covered nuts thinking when I'll ever have sex again... .  is that a need or a want... .  I'm not sure anymore... .  excuse me, just rambling as I feel sorry for myself

Yes, we all need to be needed.  I think that's pretty normal and healthy, in and of itself (though arguably narcissistic).  My problem with my need is that it (along with other things I may have yet to discover) drove me to behave in a manner I know is unacceptable.  I abandoned my own values by allowing someone to emotionally abuse me.   When my need to be needed can cause me to do that, there's a problem.  My mother is the same way; instinctively putting the needs of others before her own at virtually all times.   My father doesn't abuse this, in my observation, but I would assess my mother as having an inflated "need to be needed".   I told her this over the weekend as I came to realize it about myself.     

[healingmyheart]

sunrising,

I did the same thing... .  abandoning my own value by allowing someone to emotionally abuse me.  As a mother myself, I think it comes naturally to put your children's needs in front of your own in many cases. 

I've been told by friends that I am too accepting, too tolerate and too forgiving.  I didn't use to think of those traits as bad until now.  Obviously I need to work on that... .  

[ToBorNotToB]

a great book in general for any kind of lifetrap that is preventing one from living a healthy life is "reinventing you life" by jeoffrey young. there is another book i read "his needs her need" which talks about the improtance of figuring out your own needs and wants and learning to verbalize those to yourself and others. being able to directly communicate is an art form. when we don't express our own needs and wants and don't want to accept their improtance, it creates a very unhealthy situation for everyone around us, not just ourselves. FOO usually plays a huge part in this trait being developed during childhood years, especially when the child is taught to put others needs and wants before their own, or when the parents are emotionally needy (unhealthy) themselves.

[Cumulus]

Hey stolemysoul, hand over some of those chocolate peanuts would ya. I'm commiserating 

[healingmyheart]

sorry, I ate them all... .  guess I NEEDED them 

[sunrising]

sorry, I ate them all... .  guess I NEEDED them 

Or were the delicious nuts codependent and needed to be needed by you?... .      I think I'm headed over to the "I'm tired of analyzing things" thread. 

[healingmyheart]

Hey, they were just so ATTRACTIVE I couldn't resist... .  

[Cumulus]

You guys crack me up. 

[waitaminute]

Attractive nuts... .  Yes, I can relate to that :-)

[GustheDog]

My problem with my need is that it (along with other things I may have yet to discover) drove me to behave in a manner I know is unacceptable.  I abandoned my own values by allowing someone to emotionally abuse me.   When my need to be needed can cause me to do that, there's a problem. 

Your thread, and especially this passage, capture my issues pretty well.  In my case, it's easily traceable to my FOO.  Both my NPD father and BPDexgf frequently made me feel "selfish," "bad," "mean," and "wrong."

What's quite disturbing in retrospect, however, is that I was completely unable to recognize - in both scenarios - that everything I was doing was the polar opposite of selfish and mean.  I can't believe I could lose my grip on reality so easily.

[sunrising]

 

Your thread, and especially this passage, capture my issues pretty well.  In my case, it's easily traceable to my FOO.  Both my NPD father and BPDexgf frequently made me feel "selfish," "bad," "mean," and "wrong."

What's quite disturbing in retrospect, however, is that I was completely unable to recognize - in both scenarios - that everything I was doing was the polar opposite of selfish and mean.  I can't believe I could lose my grip on reality so easily.

Gusthedog, don't beat yourself up.  I can 100% rationalize that I was almost always overly supportive and far from selfish or mean.  Yet, I still felt tremendous guilt.  Others making us feel that way, despite reality offering the opposite, is emotional abuse.  As my dad likes to say, "the abuser is always worse than the abused".  While it's important to try to find out why we allowed ourselves to be manipulated in this manner,  it's also important not to be overly critical of ourselves.   I talked to my T today about my belief that I may have an exaggerated "need to be needed".  She gave me an honest assessment.  She said I definitely tend to be a "fixer", but pointed out the difference between systemic (ongoing) and episodic (temporary) behavior.  She said that with my exwBPD all the elements were in place for my "need to be needed" to be exaggerated, and that I should consider the possibility that my irrational behavior was largely episodic rather than systemic.  I won't stop trying to learn more about myself, but it felt pretty good to hear her say that. 

[healingmyheart]

My ex told me that I'm being selfish for not taking him back. Lets see... .  He lied and deceived me with an emotional affair while I trusted him but I'm the selfish one.

My counselor said today that just by being around the person with BPD that we a thallus start taking on the traits ourselves and be owning somewhat crazy too.

[sunrising]

My ex told me that I'm being selfish for not taking him back. Lets see... .  He lied and deceived me with an emotional affair while I trusted him but I'm the selfish one.

My counselor said today that just by being around the person with BPD that we a thallus start taking on the traits ourselves and be owning somewhat crazy too.

So, you were abused and you should feel guilty?  Crazy talk... .   I've also heard we can begin mirroring their behaviors and, like with them, it's a defense mechanism.    If my acting relatively normal doesn't work, I'll just act like her. The difference is, my behavior was temporary. I didn't act like that before her, and I won't after (once I get my screws tightened back up). For my exwBPD, I feel safe assuming she's acted that way for a long time.  

In any case, those are her problems. Not mine... .  

[healingmyheart]

Sorry about all my typos in my previous post.  I have a hard time with this iPhone and trying to type on it. Yes, you are correct... .  it is HER problem, not yours.

[GustheDog]

Gusthedog, don't beat yourself up.  I can 100% rationalize that I was almost always overly supportive and far from selfish or mean.  Yet, I still felt tremendous guilt.  Others making us feel that way, despite reality offering the opposite, is emotional abuse.  As my dad likes to say, "the abuser is always worse than the abused".  While it's important to try to find out why we allowed ourselves to be manipulated in this manner,  it's also important not to be overly critical of ourselves.   I talked to my T today about my belief that I may have an exaggerated "need to be needed".  She gave me an honest assessment.  She said I definitely tend to be a "fixer", but pointed out the difference between systemic (ongoing) and episodic (temporary) behavior.  She said that with my exwBPD all the elements were in place for my "need to be needed" to be exaggerated, and that I should consider the possibility that my irrational behavior was largely episodic rather than systemic.  I won't stop trying to learn more about myself, but it felt pretty good to hear her say that. 

Interesting.  I need a new T, I think, as mine never offers any of the great ways of conceptualizing things that I frequently see people posting about around here.

The issues seem far more systemic in my exBPD, that's for sure.