Apology vs. Acceptance

[Elsegundo]

BPD has been reaching out to establish friendship.  She shared a moment of honesty expressing her fears that I want more than she can give.  (That's a great start!)  We talked a bit about that, after I validated her, though time was limited.  I did say that for me rebuild with her, to clean the slate, I'd like an apology.  I said of course she didn't have to, but that without it I didn't want to.

She has of course since sent a few texts, but hasn't apologized.  I realize she has BPD, so it may be very difficult for her to actually apologize.  I also am not usually an "apology demander" as I am here as I think that when people are sorry, they say so.

The challenge I'm running into is that I don't really need her to apologize, I'm realizing.  And, in hindsight, I don't think I did a wise thing.  While I'd like some acknowledgement that certain things weren't ok, they already happened and I already dealt with them.    

Using the past as a predictor of future behavior, though, I know that I don't feel comfortable hanging out with her as if nothing happened.  We don't need to rehash things, but I don't want them to occur again.  I know I can't control that.

I guess I'm struggling with accepting her BPD and having a friendship.  I realize that to even consider this, I had to let go.  I have in many ways.  Stopped chasing, accept that she'll do some push-pull.  I know for this to work for me, it has to be a limited friendship.  So how do I accept her BPD and care of myself? 

I actually am good with us not talking at this point, so there's no fear involved here. 

 

[jj2121]

This happened to me and she said think what you want from me,I can't give you it. She did also say sorry a lot,but it was a meaningless apology with no explanation, just a lot of single sorry's in text messages everytime I was get angry in my responses because she was messing me about and confusing me although I don't think it was deliberate. In the end I said I could not remain a friend because it was too difficult. She admitted she spent the weekend with guy to me but did not do anything as well as discussing her family problems which seem a bit exaggerated,then inviting me over for a drink. Too much for me had to go no contact,I just feel sorry for her now,it comes and goes,mixed with anger.

[Tired of it]

@jj2121

I have been waiting to see if I came across anyone to say what you did.  My ex would say i'm sorry for nothing.  Early in our relationship I would ask why she said sorry so much.  I told her that it was hard for me to know when she was actually sorry for something or just saying it.  Oh, and that turned into an argument.  Geesh, as much as I dislike the fact that I went through such a horrible time with her it is true that God used it to teach me things about myself.  Some of which I am still learning.  It is amazing though how much this type of person can suck out of you to the point where you are as unstable as they are.  I had a friend (female) who I used to talk to ask me, what happened to the guy I used to know.  Apparently I wouldn't have put up with that mess from day 1.  I told her I was young then, .  Time is winding down and I guess I became soft.  I can feel myself getting back to normal though.  I should have told her to kick rocks way back then and I wouldn't have wasted 3 years of my life.

[hithere]

If you really don't care if you ever talk again then why did you request an apology?

What can she offer you as a friend?

It sounds like you are still a little afraid of not having her in your life?

Ex BPD's don't tend to make very good friends, chances are they will attempt a recycler or ten at some point.  Do you think you might want to get back with her?  Are you afraid of her moving on?

[jj2121]

@jj2121

I have been waiting to see if I came across anyone to say what you did.  My ex would say i'm sorry for nothing.  Early in our relationship I would ask why she said sorry so much. 

Mine actually said to me I say sorry a lot you will notice. The point is I never heard a meaningful apology,just a word she would use all the time.

When I apologize I explain myself.

[Tired of it]

The most recent episode as I have mentioned before was my ex asking me to "please stop emailing her" only for her to email me asking to hang out three weeks later.  I did and then a few days later she came around and we were intimate.  I found out she lied about not being single, and not proud to say, I informed the guy and then asked her sister what was up with her lying.  Needless to say she got pissed at me.  My question is this.  Does she know she is wrong despite her "front"?  Despite her getting mad at me for telling the truth about her deceit, do BPDs at some point during a moment when they are by themselves know that they are wrong, even if they don't admit it.  I don't care if she thinks about me or not, but is that something they would do?

[Tired of it]

Also, after this process of us being intimate I asked her if she really loves me (after standing me up on that weekend after asking me to promise to see her).  She said yes but needed time.  During this time I hear she doesn't want to rush into a relationship and that she feels like i'm rushing her and then to see that this guy pops up on her mom's friends list on FB who was previously on her sisters FB before not being there anymore.  I'm at odds on if I had given her time would she have come back around or just played us both.  Now there is nothing at all and won't be.  I'm just wondering if I am at fault.  If I would have just waited and not said a single word and let her come to me, even after standing me up, would her mindset have led her to come back or was I just someone in the interim of her and that guy mending things?

[jj2121]

Also, after this process of us being intimate I asked her if she really loves me (after standing me up on that weekend after asking me to promise to see her).  She said yes but needed time.  During this time I hear she doesn't want to rush into a relationship and that she feels like i'm rushing her and then to see that this guy pops up on her mom's friends list on FB who was previously on her sisters FB before not being there anymore.  I'm at odds on if I had given her time would she have come back around or just played us both.  Now there is nothing at all and won't be.  I'm just wondering if I am at fault.  If I would have just waited and not said a single word and let her come to me, even after standing me up, would her mindset have led her to come back or was I just someone in the interim of her and that guy mending things?

Do you really want a long term relationship with someone like this? I spent months talking to my ex who was playing silly games and I could never get a straight answer about what the problem was,one day she loved me the next she did not and could not cope etc. I decided I could not see a future with someone like this and told her to stop contact. She dumped me,but the contact after it was ridiculous.

[Tired of it]

True, I guess my being at odds is more spiritual that I didn't follow my heart of not saying anything to her and letting God handle it all.  Now instead of being at peace with myself, i'm upset about not doing the right thing on my side and removing all guilt.  That is about as honest as I can be about it. 

I guess the other thing is that I may have not said anything and she may have come around, spent two months together and then she leave again. 

[Tired of it]

You know what is funny, if I were still in my 20's or even early 30's I don't even think I would care.  Because I am now 37, never married, and no kids, I feel as if my time is winding down and have more anxiety than need be. 

[jj2121]

I am in my 20's and this hurt me really bad,it was only a short fling. Never been with someone that made me feel so special and then flipped and changed into someone else after a few months.

[Elsegundo]

If you really don't care if you ever talk again then why did you request an apology?

What can she offer you as a friend?

It sounds like you are still a little afraid of not having her in your life?

Ex BPD's don't tend to make very good friends, chances are they will attempt a recycler or ten at some point.  Do you think you might want to get back with her?  Are you afraid of her moving on?

Hi hithere:Good questions.  It's not that I'm afraid to not have her in my life, it's that she runs in a circle close to mine so we have and will keep running into each other.  In truth, it'd be easier to be friendly, though I suppose I can be friendly with a wave and not connect.  She's also fun, and it would be nice to periodically hang with her at one of those times when we run into each other.  I don't want to be close friends with her.  She's a very good friend to her two BFF's, so I figured we could be more like aquaintances. 

In the end, she just won't apologize though.  And that's irritating me, so I think I'm going to back away.

Are you friends/tried to be with BPDex?

[Elsegundo]

And to answer your other q's:

"If you really don't care if you ever talk again then why did you request an apology?

What can she offer you as a friend?"

I wanted an apology bc it's the bare minimum of what I deserve to move forward with talking.  I guess she can't offer much as friend, though it appears she can be fun and supportive to others.  I think that's bc she's terrified of them leaving her.