Emotional Abuse is not Physical Abuse so you can make up

[DesertChild]

On the annoying order of it's not real.

My Ex-BF said this a few times. And then added a "You should respect your parents more."   Despite seeing all their bad behavior. But then his family also had serious problems.

My Aunt says this too... .  though if they want a relationship, it's on their side to fix. I told her that they have said racist remarks against me and I can't undo the fact that I was born this way (this was early before I learned boundaries properly).

A friend said this to me recently, "Just go home." so I had to set a boundary. Also the, "You turned out so well, so they must have done something right."  I said it wasn't funny.

My mom is an extremely high function person uBPD. She puts up the defense I call shiny around everyone except my Dad, me and my brother. (My Dad must be getting the brunt of it now). Since she's not suicidal, there is less likelihood people will believe me.

Therefore, no one believes me. Putting it as my fault for making the break. I find it extremely hard to set boundaries at moments like these since my natural instinct would be to pretend like always. (Conditioning). But at the same time it hurts.

What's with the "If it's not physical abuse it's not real."? Words aren't supposed to hurt you, so they aren't real... .  I don't get that.

[Rubies]

"You don't have to let her get to you, why do you let her?"

Right, I don't have to, that's why I choose NC with the BPDs.  I have better things to do with my life, like rebuilding myself, than having BPDs shred and destroy my personhood.  Those who have not personally experienced it, cannot understand.    Going NC with BPDs often means NC with a bunch of people who refuse to understand the need for it.

[BlueCat]

 

Oh yeah, I hate that stuff too. Most of my abuse was not physical. The physical abuse I had was minor and so it was easy enough to tell myself that I had it good. After all, I wasn't beaten or molested right?

It's actually the emotional abuse that is what hurts. Even with physical abuse. A child who is physically abused and then told it wasn't his fault and the person who did it is wrong - that child will fare far better than the child who is physically abused and told they "asked for it".

There's an article out there about this, I'm sorry, I don't know where it is anymore (I know it was posted here but over a year ago), but it really drives home that it's the emotional abuse that makes physical abuse so bad. So subtract the physical abuse and you still have the grave psychological damage even if a bone is never broken.

People who say otherwise just don't get it.

[BlueCat]

I found it! www.vachss.com/av_dispatches/disp_9408_a.html

[WrongWoman]

Even when the abuse is physical, a lot of people still expect you to "make up" or "forgive" the BPD parent.  There is something unnatural, in many people's minds, about being estranged from one's parents.  If you are a successful person, all the more so, because "they must have done something right".  They don't consider that many of us children of BPDs grow up to be successful despite our BPD parent, not because of them. 

It is a very frustrating dynamic when dealing with those who don't understand.  When a person conveys such feelings to me, I know they do not understand and probably never will, and I distance myself.

[DesertChild]

I found it! www.vachss.com/av_dispatches/disp_9408_a.html

Thank you for that link. Definitely helps.

My friend got it... .  and apologized.

Still irks me, that some will fight you with this attitude.

[linusham]

I agree that emotional abuse is just as bad as physical abuse - I suffered both and the physical abuse was bad but the emotional abuse leaves scars you can't forget.

[gina louise]

I got both as a kid up til age 18. From my Dad whom I feared and adored. Mom covered up and made excuses.

the physical abuse was easier to explain mentally-as his anger or a breaking point... .  but the emotional stuff is too mind boggling. I still don't "get" a lot of it. the demeaning insults and name calling. I was a KID!

Relearning how to Parent myself now and it helps a lot, I recommend any books by Susan Anderson.(Taming your Outer Child and Journey From Abandonment to Healing)

GL