I've moved away from staying.

[Themis]

For those following my story,

Last night he did something... .  no physical abuse... .  but enough to make me shake and feel non-human.

He said some things that were beyond cruel and made me feel like I wasn't a person.

I think it was just sick, and have no interest in a current romantic relationship.

I still love him, as love isn't something you can just switch off. There might be chance in future if he changed in a real, solid way.

I still love the person I first met. I love and miss them dearly. It feels like BPD killed my partner.

I still crave him and wish this wasn't happening.

But I am no longer dedicated to making all these changes for him, with nothing in return.

There is complications as he is paying the majority of the bills, and I need to change jobs so I can afford the place by myself.

So he'll have to stick around for a couple of months. But I no longer care of his threats of leaving after that point.

ATM they scare me as it would leave me in a terrible position. But after that point I'd be glad to end the pain.

I really hope we can be friends, and one day he'll be himself again. I deeply love who he really is.

At the moment I need to back off and have some dignity despite not having many friends and feeling intensely lonely.

I'm not 100% sure, but all I know is what I will not tolerate a certain level of nastiness.

[almost789]

Well I sure can relate to this, Themis. I longed for that person he "really" was to come back. But, I don't think that's true. I think the person we see now is the person they 'really" are. And the person we saw before was a phoney act. So, yours said some horrible things to you? That must be so painful, but maybe make it easier for you to decide to leave the staying board? Mine is cruel too. But, he says nothing. So it is very confusing. I've come to the conclusion for me that the silence really says it all. I wish he would say horrible cruel things to me. But now I just think this is his sick way of dragging things on longer while protecting his image. And he even gives me little hopes every now and then and then draws back, it's awful. I only want to see him for the sick person he is now, because seeing that old person and having hope only hurts me more.

[GreenMango]

Themis I'm sorry things are so rough at home.  Sounds like there's a lot going on and it makes a decision pretty difficult.

The undecided board has the lessons on Choosing a Path... .  have you read them?  What step are you on do you think?

[arabella]

Sorry to hear he's stepped over the line - but good for you for setting your boundaries! I've been following some of your posts and I have to say, I think this is a good decision for you. It sounds healthy. Plus, knowing that you want to be able to move out in a few months will give you something to work towards and focus on. It's a great step to be planning for yourself and securing your future - regardless of what happens with your pwBPD.

I hope that you count us as friends. I know we don't know each other irl, but I don't think that matters. You aren't alone. 

[Themis]

Thanks Arabella

Hey, I never turn down a friendship request from a nice person! :-)

I said in another post he is making infuriating games. He "won't" talk to me ignore me... .  but then creates conflict situations.

For example (didn't happen but covers the scenario well) if you put a padlock on someones stuff and then they can't get their stuff... .  what is going to happen?

Well he "padlocks" (a metaphor for a few actions) things, leaves the house and ignores his phone. Then I can't get my things and my weekend is spoiled.

He does really nasty, stupid games like that.

Then acts incredulous about me calling him or trying to talk to him to ask him where he put the key.

Then he will tell others I am harassing him with calls or a pain the the butt at home. He wonders why there is drama.

I don't want to talk to him or be seen as a nag. But I need my stuff! So he comes home and I ask where is the key?

Why did you padlock my things?

I have been waiting all weekend for you, couldn't go out because you padlocked my stuff! This is inconsiderate.

Let me live my life.

Fine you don't want to talk to me, but don't leave my life in a mess. Don't do things that will create conflict. Don't padlock my stuff!

But he padlocks my stuff anyway, and I have no choice but to get the key off him. Then he yells at me for nagging, calling him or daring to ask for the key.

He yells I don't want to talk/look at /see you BUT then does infuriating things that will no doubt get a reaction.

I can't ignore it cos he padlocked my stuff... .  I need my stuff... .  

You know what I'm getting at here?

If he didn't padlock my stuff I would not need to call him. Or talk to him. Or stay at home because ... .  my stuff is padlocked.

It frustrates me to tears.

Do you know this game?

[Themis]

It's like the adult version of stop hitting yourself.

That's what it is!

[gina louise]

Themis,

the best thing you can do when you are frustrated and pissed... .  is IGNORE.

go to a movie, wait them out, go get new stuff... anything BUT play into their Mind Fu3K.

don't call, don't text, don't ask. act like you don't care.(even when you do)

this trigger for you to get crazy and react is exactly what they want, and what they fully intend to happen.

don't bite!

if the other person doesn't PLAY-there's NO game. I know it's hard.   

GL

[Themis]

I don't want to bite... .  but what if you have an interview and they move your keys now you are late if you don't know where X item is.

He's never moved my keys but did other stuff that I needed or passwords on the computer or other things!

[Themis]

Also WHY is he playing this game. WHY? WHY? He doesn't need to get my attention/reaction in a negative way?

WHY like this. I'd be happy to talk to him calmly and nicely if he didn't keep telling me: "shut up I don't want to talk to you"

Which is his catch phrase of the last two months now.


Why "talk" to me in this disturbed fashion, with arguments, set-ups and games.

It lets him go out an have fun while the last two weekends were stuffed up by something he did.

[arabella]

Classic gaslighting. But here's the thing - he does x so that you'll react. And you do. Stop. Because, here's the thing, you aren't getting what you want/need anyway! He changes a password, you need the password, you call/text, he doesn't answer, you still don't have the password, repeat this indefinitely. And every time you call/text you reinforce that his 'padlocking' behaviour is working. He gets your attention and a reaction! You still don't have the password/key. So, if you aren't going to get the password/key anyway, you might as well stop asking and stop reinforcing his behaviour. Having said all that - what's your plan to ensure you can meet your needs despite him?

And you answered your own question there:

It lets him go out an have fun while the last two weekends were stuffed up by something he did.

He gets your attention. He's got a mental disorder so he doesn't care if it's negative attention and getting negative attention probably feeds into his disordered thinking in some way. He probably isn't even consciously aware of it. And then, as you say, he gets to have fun and at the same time watch you chase him. 

[Themis]

Classic gaslighting. But here's the thing - he does x so that you'll react. And you do. Stop. Because, here's the thing, you aren't getting what you want/need anyway! He changes a password, you need the password, you call/text, he doesn't answer, you still don't have the password, repeat this indefinitely. And every time you call/text you reinforce that his 'padlocking' behaviour is working. He gets your attention and a reaction! You still don't have the password/key. So, if you aren't going to get the password/key anyway, you might as well stop asking and stop reinforcing his behaviour. Having said all that - what's your plan to ensure you can meet your needs despite him?

And you answered your own question there:

It lets him go out an have fun while the last two weekends were stuffed up by something he did.

He gets your attention. He's got a mental disorder so he doesn't care if it's negative attention and getting negative attention probably feeds into his disordered thinking in some way. He probably isn't even consciously aware of it. And then, as you say, he gets to have fun and at the same time watch you chase him.  

Ah you are very wise. and if it involves other people, I'll plan to see them anyway, and if he does something I need for outside... .  

I'll invite them into the house!

Yes! I'll just tell them the truth, blow the lid off the whole thing.

Now if it's something I'm doing alone... .  well not having the computer really bugged me, a lot of the time I'm too tired/broke to do anything expect play about on the net.

Hmmm. Really smart. I am developing a lot of strengths here. I can survive any situation after this.

It's hard to believe that someone that loved me could really be this twisted.

And people can feel free to use the "padlocking" as a word. I think I invented a BPD meme! :-)

You used it in a sentence quite well!

Speaking of padlocks, I'm buying some and going to find a trunk or box, and padlock certain items into there.

That way only I can touch them.

[arabella]

Aha! See? Look at you go! Absolutely the right attitude. I like this so much!

He's almost doing you a favour... .  By the end of all this you're going to be such a strong, self-sufficient, confident woman that no one is going to be able to mess with you again. Guess who comes out of this the better, happier person? YOU! 

[Grey Kitty]

I like your idea of buying some real padlocks to keep access to your own stuff secure. That is a good example of setting a boundary. 

One other thought for you about posting on the staying board... .  

There is complications as he is paying the majority of the bills, and I need to change jobs so I can afford the place by myself.

So he'll have to stick around for a couple of months. But I no longer care of his threats of leaving after that point.

Even if you are re-thinking your commitment to stay in a relationship with him... .  you can post on the staying board just looking for ways to improve your situation while you are living with him. For better or worse, you say you will be in that situation for a couple months. We can help you make it better instead of worse on the staying board.

[crazylife]

I have had my stuff locked up, given away and thrown away. Antique furniture that was in my family etc. He gave away my refrigerator, very nice one I bought. I was dumbfounded with that one. Takes my tools without asking, hen loses or leaves them somewhere. Not a way I can work productively. I too began locking my stuff up. I also did not lie for him when people asked what happened to my frig. He has backed way off with that. Now I just never ask him to do anything for me and solicit others to help, leaving him standing looking in. I also don't listen to his suggestions and advice, he won't help he does not get to give his opinion. Never ugly, just matter of fact. It was the only way I could keep my sanity.

[hithere]

You sound like I did about 6-months before I left for good.  You are still somewhat in denial, read my comments below.

There might be chance in future if he changed in a real, solid way.

I hoped and hoped and called clinics and programs and doctors and read and tried... .  the chances of him changing at all are very very slim.

I still love the person I first met. I love and miss them dearly. It feels like BPD killed my partner.

I still crave him and wish this wasn't happening.

The person you fell in love with never really existed, they just showed you what they needed to till you got hooked in.

But I am no longer dedicated to making all these changes for him, with nothing in return.

This is very true, you will never get much if anything in return, you will sacrifice your entire life for nothing.

There is complications... .  So he'll have to stick around for a couple of months. But I no longer care of his threats of leaving after that point.

I also had to stick around for a few month while I put my exit strategy into action, try and detach and think of the future.

I really hope we can be friends, and one day he'll be himself again. I deeply love who he really is.

You are still in the BPD fog if you feel the real person is who he showed you at first.  You are now dealing with the real person and you will never get anything out of a friendship with him in the future.

At the moment I need to back off and have some dignity despite not having many friends and feeling intensely lonely. I'm not 100% sure, but all I know is what I will not tolerate a certain level of nastiness.

Try and reconnect with friends and family, you will need the support to get through this.  It is hard to ever be 100% when leaving this type of relationship for many reasons but you can be happy again and in a normal relationship.

good luck