New Mom: Good Girl, Bad Girl; Can a BPD Ever Be an Effective Parent?

[Winifred]

My 32 year old BPD daughter had her first child, a daughter, two months ago. The father is a felon, career criminal, and drug addict. They are living together. During the baby's first month, it looked as if our daughter might have changed. She seemed attentive and loving as she faced the normal challenges of being a mom for the first time. The baby developed severe colic, but our daughter seemed to be trying everything the doctors suggested. Now in the second month the troubles have started. it's quite possible that the screaming, rigid colic fits may also be due to the emotional tension in the apartment. Two days ago the father left with the baby and wouldn't return phone calls or messages. He ended up at his mother's house where he and the baby stayed until his mother called the police on him (says our daughter). Our daughter has been having "episodes" so bad that the father's mother has taken her to a hospital psychiatric ward for "medication adjustment." Yesterday we drove fifty miles to take our daughter to an early morning counseling appointment. After the appointment, we stopped to have pie and coffee and to talk with her about her situation. As soon as we broached the subject, she got up and left. After she did that a second time, we left and called Child Protective Services. Of course, the boyfriend texted a stupid, nasty message threatening to never let us see the baby again. We would be glad to see the baby taken from this situation, horrible as it would be to have her in foster care. We are now

in Boundary Mode. No rides to appointments, no phone calls to her, no staying here with the baby, no money. What she doesn't know is that it gets a little easier for us each time. We've had so much practice and we have a callouses on our hearts.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[hithere]

my exwpbd became a better mother when she was afraid her kids would choose to live with their father (there-by cutting of child support).  She did become a better mother but it was motivated by selfishness.

[vivekananda]

gee Winifred, my head is swimming with thoughts. I suppose yours is too. What a sad situation you face. Even though you have callouses on your heart, they come at a cost. ... . and do you want to live with callouses on your heart?

Do you see a T at all? Have you had any support for yourselves in all this?

My dd now 32, was a colicky baby, was extra sensitive, was a difficult child. While we did what we thought was right, the best we could do, it was an invalidating environment. My dd now is still unwell, though trying to pick herself up and I have seen her 3 times in over a year... . lots of n/c at her instigation mainly, but it suits us too. We do not have callouses on our hearts. We are learning different ways to live, we are learning to be validating.

Do you have a short term or long term plan? My long term plan is to help my dd get the right treatment. My short term plan is to focus on a relationship with her to make it the best possible. But you have a grandchild and that changes your focus, doesn't it?

Why can't she stay at your place with the baby? There would be a good reason for that, can you elaborate?

This must be so hard for you, take care of yourselves,

Vivek      

[qcarolr]

Winifred -

Is your D in any type of treatment for her BPD? You mention she is on meds. and you drove her to a counselor appt.  Her distress is kind of expected, though if there is truly danger of abuse or neglect of the child then an investigation by CPS is warranted. This does not mean they will necessarily put the baby in foster care immediately.

My gs5 was put in a foster/adopt home at 5 months. dh and I are raising our gd7. She has always lived with us. We took over primary care at 8 months - the daddy ended up in jail for a year and DD said "it is my turn to have some fun". She was simply not home. We chose not to get this attached when she got pregnant again - different daddy, different problems, difficult colicky baby, I did not step in a take over for her. She still holds so much anger about our not taking our gs in. While she screams at us that we 'stole my daughter' by having custody.

BPD creates a zone of no logical thinking - only emotional thinking. And we parents end up with so much pain, sadness, grief. All these primary emotions lead us to anger and seperation and calloused hearts in our self-protective stance.

I sometimes have been able to be a validating, supportive mom for my BPDDD27. Not right now. SHe wants me to rescue her from a her probation violation (DWAI) and the one year in jail that is looming in 3 weeks. I cannot. And she is violently angry - projecting all her pain, loss, fear on me -- blaming me for being the 'weird' one that needs to 'get fixed'. She won't let me go - keeps showing up, trying to be nice, I say no within a reasonable boudnary, she accelrates into rage and we hope she will leave without the police being called. Gd7 is so very much impacted by all this distress in many ways.

Do what you think best for our grandchild. Take care of yourself - sounds like you have gotten support in the past with setting boundaries. Do you have support now? This is all so hard.

qcr  

[Winifred]

Winifred -

Is your D in any type of treatment for her BPD? You mention she is on meds. and you drove her to a counselor appt.  Her distress is kind of expected, though if there is truly danger of abuse or neglect of the child then an investigation by CPS is warranted. This does not mean they will necessarily put the baby in foster care immediately.

My gs5 was put in a foster/adopt home at 5 months. dh and I are raising our gd7. She has always lived with us. We took over primary care at 8 months - the daddy ended up in jail for a year and DD said "it is my turn to have some fun". She was simply not home. We chose not to get this attached when she got pregnant again - different daddy, different problems, difficult colicky baby, I did not step in a take over for her. She still holds so much anger about our not taking our gs in. While she screams at us that we 'stole my daughter' by having custody.

BPD creates a zone of no logical thinking - only emotional thinking. And we parents end up with so much pain, sadness, grief. All these primary emotions lead us to anger and seperation and calloused hearts in our self-protective stance.

I sometimes have been able to be a validating, supportive mom for my BPDDD27. Not right now. SHe wants me to rescue her from a her probation violation (DWAI) and the one year in jail that is looming in 3 weeks. I cannot. And she is violently angry - projecting all her pain, loss, fear on me -- blaming me for being the 'weird' one that needs to 'get fixed'. She won't let me go - keeps showing up, trying to be nice, I say no within a reasonable boudnary, she accelrates into rage and we hope she will leave without the police being called. Gd7 is so very much impacted by all this distress in many ways.

Do what you think best for our grandchild. Take care of yourself - sounds like you have gotten support in the past with setting boundaries. Do you have support now? This is all so hard.

Hello qcaroir,

Thanks for your reply. She is seeing a therapist and a psychiatrist, ordered by the court after she attacked her father last November. Their diagnosis is bi-polar disorder, and yes she is on medication. However, the medications have been drastically reduced or eliminated because she needs to be alert enough to care for a baby. If we took the baby in, I would fully expect outbursts of the kind you describe. Supportive and Validating Mom is my middle name, but the time comes when any reasonable person would wonder why I continue doing what doesn't work any longer. Yes, we know how to set and maintain boundaries. We've honed that skill. I wish you good luck with all the difficulties you are facing.

qcr  

gee Winifred, my head is swimming with thoughts. I suppose yours is too. What a sad situation you face. Even though you have callouses on your heart, they come at a cost. ... . and do you want to live with callouses on your heart?

Do you see a T at all? Have you had any support for yourselves in all this?

My dd now 32, was a colicky baby, was extra sensitive, was a difficult child. While we did what we thought was right, the best we could do, it was an invalidating environment. My dd now is still unwell, though trying to pick herself up and I have seen her 3 times in over a year... . lots of n/c at her instigation mainly, but it suits us too. We do not have callouses on our hearts. We are learning different ways to live, we are learning to be validating.

Do you have a short term or long term plan? My long term plan is to help my dd get the right treatment. My short term plan is to focus on a relationship with her to make it the best possible. But you have a grandchild and that changes your focus, doesn't it?

Why can't she stay at your place with the baby? There would be a good reason for that, can you elaborate?

This must be so hard for you, take care of yourselves,

Vivek      

Hello Vivek , Thank you for the kind and helpful reply. Yes, my husband and I have been in therapy for years over this. We have learned that our daughter doesn't love us, probably can't love anyone, and will mirror whatever person is in front of her. If there is a core personality, it can't be reached. We talked at length this morning with a social worker from CPS who visited the apartment yesterday accompanied by a police officer. No one was home. He continued his investigation today and we hope for an update tomorrow. It's quite likely that our daughter was admitted for a 3-day stay at a hospital psych ward. Among other things, she has been cutting herself again. We could take the baby in, but not our daughter. She shows no signs of disentangling herself from the toxic, abusive, dipsh-t boyfriend. Our long term plan is finally, after 20 years, to let her live her life as she chooses. She has found a new caretaker/enabler in the boyfriend's mother, but it's a matter of time until she wears her out too. It would be nice to see her at Thanksgiving and Christmas. Other than that, we may be through with her. Some people can't be saved from themselves. A callous on the heart comes from being rubbed raw again and again. Who could go on living without the protection a callous affords?

[vivekananda]

Hi Winnie,

So, so sad. I am glad you have a T to support you and your dh. While I haven't had callouses I have had heart break, bleeding wounds, gaping holes. I wonder if the skills I learnt here helped prevent the callouses from forming. Perhaps it was the challenge of radical acceptance. Perhaps it was that my dd32 never had a child (and I thank God for that).

Whatever the reason, I would like for you to ease the hurt in your heart and stay with us here in our healing community where we do understand how it is.

PLease let us know what happens and if we can help you in any way at all,

Cheers,

Vivek