Together versus Apart

[snucker25]

Hi - I want to try and make this concise without going on and on about all the details and the millions of questions I have in my mind ... .  but first a quick background.

BPDh and I have been married eleven months.  We dated for two years before that - he left three times during that period, twice I tried to convince him to come back (he did) and the last time I stuck with NC.  It took three months of NC but he returned.  At the time I gave him a copy of SWOE and told him he needed to read it, even if he never spoke to me again, he needed to read it.  He did.  He started therapy with a psychiatrist.  But he only went a couple of times until he was feeling OK again.  A year goes by, he is much more "aware" of his triggers, his moods and often would be able to let me know when he was going to his "bad place."

During that year we are planning the wedding and building a house - lots for him to focus on.  Six months after the wedding things begin to change ... .  not significantly, but subtly ... .  and this all results in him asking me if I am having an affair right before Xmas last year.  Completely blindsides me.  I was not, am not and will not, but I know that was an issue with his ex(es).  Since then I have felt uneasy every day, because his triggers (which as you all know can be very tiny little minor things) always lead him to the feeling (fact in his mind) that I am being unfaithful. 

So ... .  things disintergrate between Xmas and January 31 (which happened to be my daughter's birthday) and all hell breaks loose.  He puts two and two together and comes up with five.  Now his verbal abuse is actually directed at ME (it used to be at THINGS) and he calls me all kinds of things and does so face to face and in email too.  Of course I try and convince him he is wrong.  You can imagine how well that went ... .  

He leaves for work (he is out of town four or five days a week for work) and I spend the entire time over-analyzing his texts or lack thereof.  However, when he returns he says he wants to go back and see hsi doctor.  I have already called the therapist that I saw when he left that third time and we were NC.  I say I am willing to do whatever and whenever to work on our relationship.

OK I have to cut out the details - long story short he has seen his doctor a few times since 1/31.  I saw her once without him (at his request) and we saw her together once.  We had an another appt set but she had to cancel and now he seems reluctant to reschedule.  We have also had two sessions with a couples therapist who knows his diagnosis.  They have gone well.  I have been asking him for dates that he can go again ... .  its been difficult with his schedule. 

ANYWAY, at our last couples session I learned that he is now able to hide the negative feelings from me until we are in a "safe" place to talk about them.  I told him that if he shows me one emotion but is feeling the opposite one, how do I know what is real?  How do I trust what he is showing me, knowing he could be feeling something completely differently?

when we are togehter I feel like I can have some control over our envrionment and make sure that there is nothing that might trigger him (i.e. focusing only on his needs).  When he getting ready to leave I begin to wonder if the past few good days have all been an act and its about to go wrong (because he will be removed form me and I will not be able to control his environment).  The other side of the coin is, I wonder if he feels good when we are together because he can clearly see that I am not doing anything without him or being unfaithful, but then as he gets ready to leave HE feels the loss of control because he will have to take my word for what is happening and he's neverbeen able to rrust anyone ever.  So we both feel OK while together because we both feel like we are in control, then we both feel bad when apart because neither of us feels in control of the other ... .  does any of this make any sense at all?

Sorry this has been so long ... .  I'm feeling at a complete loss here lately!

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Rockylove]

WOW!  Lots to digest here.  First thing I'll say is you are not responsible for controlling his environment or any of his reactions to it.  Trying to protect him isn't going to help him work through his feelings~~it's like bubble wrapping a toddler so they won't fall and get hurt.  Do you know the Serenity Prayer?  (God) Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.

You stated:  "ANYWAY, at our last couples session I learned that he is now able to hide the negative feelings from me until we are in a "safe" place to talk about them."  This sounds like a good thing, actually!  Although it may sound like he's not being genuine, that may be the only way he can keep over exaggerated emotions in check.  It sounds as though he's really trying.

Reading the lessons and several of the suggested books has really helped me understand the nature of BPD and how I can relate to him so that we both feel good about the relationship.  Keep posting your thoughts and questions... .  the folks here have so much wisdom to share!

[Cloudy Days]

when we are togehter I feel like I can have some control over our envrionment and make sure that there is nothing that might trigger him (i.e. focusing only on his needs).  When he getting ready to leave I begin to wonder if the past few good days have all been an act and its about to go wrong (because he will be removed form me and I will not be able to control his environment).  The other side of the coin is, I wonder if he feels good when we are together because he can clearly see that I am not doing anything without him or being unfaithful, but then as he gets ready to leave HE feels the loss of control because he will have to take my word for what is happening and he's neverbeen able to rrust anyone ever. 

I used to be like this and tried to control everything aroud his enviroment. It's stressful and it usually didn't work anyways, he would find something to blow up at anyways no matter how hard I tried. I'm learning to take care of myself more. My husband does feed off of my Anxiety, so it has become helpful to me even more because I'm not nervous all the time like I used to be. As far as how he reacts to me when I am not there. He is way more likely to be triggered if I am not there. I always refer to the phone as a ~ starter because if I am talking to him on the phone for too long it doesn't matter what we are talking about, all it takes is a strange noise in the background and he's triggered. My husband is very consumed with the cheating thing. It's his biggest trigger in our relationship and he's told me that all his girlfriends cheated on him too. I'm starting to doubt that. I'm not cheating on him, I know that if we were to part ways he would tell everyone who would listen that I was cheating on him, I have no doubt in my mind. So pretty much yea, we get along much better if I am with him. He can see that I am not doing anything wrong to him in the moment. Once I am away from him his mind has a way of thinking terrible thoughts. I don't even have to be away from our home. I could just be in the back yard and he would be thinking I was flirting with neighbors.

The best thing you can do is read the lessons on this site. The ones on Validation and how to stop Invalidating were really helpful to me. I can stop myself from saying things that I now know are immediate triggers. Like telling my husband he is wrong. That never goes over well.