I don't know what's "normal" anymore

[mango_flower]

I feel like my head is so screwed that I don't know what's normal and what's BPD in other people... .  

My ex emailed me today (I haven't replied) asking if I was honestly happy about her getting married to her new gf or was I just saying that to get her to go away?

I just thought it was par for the course, but when I told some friends they were like "OMG can't she just leave you alone and let you get over her?".

I just assume that's just the way she is, and usually I'd respond patiently, but people are saying that this behaviour isn't normal?

I feel like I'm wearing a pair of tinted BPD lenses and think the same way she does now... it's so confusing.

[have gone nc]

It isn't normal. Ask yourself this... .  

If you met someone and formed a truly loving, faithful commited relationship and decided to get married. Would you even care whether your exes were happy for you?

She's just seeing if you are going to be there when she needs you, stay strong and concentrate on your own health/happiness. Not hers.

[willy45]

This is not normal. In fact, it is incredibly cruel. Your ex is putting you into an incredibly impossible situation. This is actually abusive. She is putting you into a no-win situation. She wants you to be both happy for her and she wants you to be unhappy about it. She isn't asking you because she wants to know if you are happy. She is asking you because she wants to know that she is hurting you. Read that sentence again. She WANTS to know that she is hurting you.

It is an incredibly cruel thing to do. This is not normal. This is not a sign of love or respect or dignity. That just makes my head spin it is so messed up.

Don't answer the email. Delete it.

[imstronghere2]

It's ok Mango.  What you're experiencing is "normal" for the BPD world that you got yourself involved in.  I know I questioned if I would ever feel normal or even know what normal was ever again.  I'm about 1 1/2 years out from a 22 year relationship and I'm just now starting to really feel like I can get back to normal again.  Not quite there yet but I keep working on it.  There will come a time when you will be far enough away from this madness to where you have to work to turn around and see it and then you'll be like "Yeah, that sure was one F'd up mess.  Glad I'm not there anymore".    Chin up.  You'll get there.  Just stay NC and keep pushing forward.  That's all we can do after all.

[willy45]

Oh... .  and just another note... .  

I totally, completely understand about how you are confused. For me, my ex's behavior was so weird and so full of these weird manipulations that they felt 'normal' to me. It just seemed like par for the course. So, don't worry about the fact that you aren't sure if this is normal or not. The fact that you are questioning it is a really good sign. It means that a part of you knows that this isn't right. This happens to me too, all the time. A month ago, I fell back into it. She kept reaching out to me and the way she was doing it was so bizarre. But, I was conditioned to it. In my interactions with her, 'normal' just didn't exist. So, I got used to things being 'not normal'. That was part of being able to stay with a dysfunctional person. Dysfunctional means 'not normally functioning', a 'disorder'. So, in order to stay in a relationship with someone like that, you have to get used dysfunction. Dysfunction becomes 'normal'. There is a collusion of minds. And the dysfunction will win out because your sense of normalcy gets completely warped in your attempt to maintain the relationship.

But, you don't need to put yourself into hurtful situations like this anymore. You don't have to let her hurt you anymore.

[mango_flower]

Thanks guys

It's a lose-lose situation, isn't it?

If I were to answer "yes I'm genuinely happy for you" then she would think "So you never really loved me!  I was right!"

If I were to say I wasn't and that I was hurt, then she'd probably get a sense of satisfaction out of that... .  

So yes, ignoring is the solution -

It's just interesting, I am so curious as to why she feels she has to do these things!

Thanks all for the insight xxx

[koroido]

Thanks guys

It's a lose-lose situation, isn't it?

If I were to answer "yes I'm genuinely happy for you" then she would think "So you never really loved me!  I was right!"

If I were to say I wasn't and that I was hurt, then she'd probably get a sense of satisfaction out of that... .  

So yes, ignoring is the solution -

It's just interesting, I am so curious as to why she feels she has to do these things!

Thanks all for the insight xxx

Maybe the appropriate response (if you do respond) would be something like this... .  No, I'm not happy about it because I feel terrible for your new partner. She probably loves you like I once did and were she to know that you spend any amount of time concerned about how your ex feels about your situation, she would likely feel quite hurt and betrayed. How I feel about you is entirely irrelevant and I hope this response is enough to convince you that you are better off not contacting me about anything in the future. There are people in your life, particularly your partner, who care about your happiness. I recommend you focus on them.

Although, no response is likely better.

[clairedair]

If I were to say I wasn't and that I was hurt, then she'd probably get a sense of satisfaction out of that... .  

or she would be angry with you for not agreeing that she deserved happiness after everything (she perceives) you put her through

or she would tell you that you were lying when you said you loved her because if you loved her you would be happy for her

or any one of another 1001 possible emotions... .  

It's just interesting, I am so curious as to why she feels she has to do these things!

havegonenc is right - why would she need to be in touch with you about this and need your opinion when she's supposed to be in a committed relationship with someone else?  Is she trying to keep you 'attached' or off balance so that if current relationship goes wrong, there's a chance you'll still be vulnerable enough for her to try again with you?  The fact that you are asking all these questions and spending so much time thinking about this means she is managing to keep messing you about.

Can you go NC and block all contact?

[ScotisGone74]

Depending on how long you were with them I think it takes a good while to get back to being close to normal.  I'm now on 5 months post apocolypse, 4 months of no contact, and I'm just now on the path to figuring out what normal is again.  I think it takes a good six months to get back to yourself.  Its almost like being held as a prisoner of war and subjected to propoganda and torture for a long period, then when you are finally rescued you don't know what to do, how to act, how to be with others in a normal way.  No contact is what makes it easier for you to heal and allow the BPD to deal with some of their own issues or find a new host to invade. 

[mango_flower]

Maybe the appropriate response (if you do respond) would be something like this... .  No, I'm not happy about it because I feel terrible for your new partner. She probably loves you like I once did and were she to know that you spend any amount of time concerned about how your ex feels about your situation, she would likely feel quite hurt and betrayed. How I feel about you is entirely irrelevant and I hope this response is enough to convince you that you are better off not contacting me about anything in the future. There are people in your life, particularly your partner, who care about your happiness. I recommend you focus on them.

Although, no response is likely better.

I actually said something similar once before, right back when we first broke up and were trying hard to remain friends (this is before I had considered BPD).  She saw from my facebook that I was going away for a few days with my best friend, and she phoned to ask why she wasn't invited!  I was slightly incredulous... .  and I said "I don't think your new girlfriend would be very happy with that!" and she snapped back "You don't even KNOW her! How dare you judge her before you've even met her?".  So yeah... .  I think no response is likely better! Seems like she has an answer for everything... .  though one day when we were bickering towards the end of our relationship, she snapped back at me saying "You have an answer for everything, don't you?". So even though I get frustrated as she seems to "win" with every point she makes, maybe she doesn't see it that way... .  

or she would be angry with you for not agreeing that she deserved happiness after everything (she perceives) you put her through

or she would tell you that you were lying when you said you loved her because if you loved her you would be happy for her

or any one of another 1001 possible emotions... .  

havegonenc is right - why would she need to be in touch with you about this and need your opinion when she's supposed to be in a committed relationship with someone else?  Is she trying to keep you 'attached' or off balance so that if current relationship goes wrong, there's a chance you'll still be vulnerable enough for her to try again with you?  The fact that you are asking all these questions and spending so much time thinking about this means she is managing to keep messing you about.

Can you go NC and block all contact?

Yep, the answer could be one of thousands... .  you never know which way she will jump next! 

I don't think she is ever even considering that she would want to come back... .  she has made that clear loads of times, and she has even told me she NEVER goes back - she isn't somebody who recycles (I'm using that phrase, she didn't).  From what I have seen of her past behaviour, I believe this to be true... .  and she has moved hours away - new town, new friends, new job, new home.  So I am hoping I am "safe" - but that said, I wouldn't bet my LIFE on it... .  I don't think it will ever happen though.  But I do believe she wants me in the background as a support system, not to ever get back in a relationship with.

I am struggling massively with the concept of NC.  I really am.  I may post a new thread on it at some point.  Something about it all just feels off to me, it feels like it would be the wrong thing to do. I have been trying to go for low contact and gradually phase it out... .  it is getting less and less, so I don't know... .  

Depending on how long you were with them I think it takes a good while to get back to being close to normal.  I'm now on 5 months post apocolypse, 4 months of no contact, and I'm just now on the path to figuring out what normal is again.  I think it takes a good six months to get back to yourself.  Its almost like being held as a prisoner of war and subjected to propoganda and torture for a long period, then when you are finally rescued you don't know what to do, how to act, how to be with others in a normal way.  No contact is what makes it easier for you to heal and allow the BPD to deal with some of their own issues or find a new host to invade. 

That prisoner of war analogy is brilliant   So very true!  You've internalised the new norms... .  and you believe them. That's why they're hard to break.  You're right, it will take time. And exposure to other "normal" people... thank you x

[slimmiller]

Thanks guys

It's a lose-lose situation, isn't it?

If I were to answer "yes I'm genuinely happy for you" then she would think "So you never really loved me!  I was right!"

If I were to say I wasn't and that I was hurt, then she'd probably get a sense of satisfaction out of that... .  

So yes, ignoring is the solution -

It's just interesting, I am so curious as to why she feels she has to do these things!

Thanks all for the insight xxx

Maybe the appropriate response (if you do respond) would be something like this... .  No, I'm not happy about it because I feel terrible for your new partner. She probably loves you like I once did and were she to know that you spend any amount of time concerned about how your ex feels about your situation, she would likely feel quite hurt and betrayed. How I feel about you is entirely irrelevant and I hope this response is enough to convince you that you are better off not contacting me about anything in the future. There are people in your life, particularly your partner, who care about your happiness. I recommend you focus on them.

Although, no response is likely better.

This made me almost laugh and only because this is something that she would actually feel I think. Although I agree with the others NC is better.

I remember having an argument with my exBPD about her new lover (second or third one in a few month after our split) I told her I hope she is madly in love and happy to which she replied huffingly "I am not in Love". I said is that mutually agreed upon? She got very uneasy and tried to wiggle out of answering but she could not even keep a straight face. I saw several text messages to him where she swore her undying love and devotion to him including 'I would NEVER hurt you'  I thought, wow, if I had a dollar for everytime I heard that.

Anyways after her fidgety answer while I maintained rigid unthreatening eye contact, she stammered something more, I calmly called her a lier to which she offered no objections. Then I said 'you need to stop shredding hearts and hurting innocent people and real love and feelings are the greatest threat you ever had'  With the last comment about 'real love' and me eluding to her not being able to feel it is when she blew up and our convo was over.

[mango_flower]

This made me almost laugh and only because this is something that she would actually feel I think. Although I agree with the others NC is better.

I remember having an argument with my exBPD about her new lover (second or third one in a few month after our split) I told her I hope she is madly in love and happy to which she replied huffingly "I am not in Love". I said is that mutually agreed upon? She got very uneasy and tried to wiggle out of answering but she could not even keep a straight face. I saw several text messages to him where she swore her undying love and devotion to him including 'I would NEVER hurt you'  I thought, wow, if I had a dollar for everytime I heard that.

Anyways after her fidgety answer while I maintained rigid unthreatening eye contact, she stammered something more, I calmly called her a lier to which she offered no objections. Then I said 'you need to stop shredding hearts and hurting innocent people and real love and feelings are the greatest threat you ever had'  With the last comment about 'real love' and me eluding to her not being able to feel it is when she blew up and our convo was over.

That's really interesting, as it's totally different to my ex!    She definitely feels emotions and love - TOO much I think. I'm not saying she feels love the same way the rest of us do, because with proper love comes commitment, trust etc... .  but she definitely feels the high emotions and the pain when it goes wrong... .  MORE than the rest of us.  Very intensely.  It's not a lie with her.  It's fascinating to see how people with BPD can have so many traits in common, yet so many differences (just like everyone else really!)

[slimmiller]

It is interesting in a way but almost disturbing in another way.   :'(

I honestly feel that when she swears her love and devotion to him, her feelings are what she says but on the other hand when she is talking to me, maybe because she used to 'project' those feelings into me, she denies the feelings to not have to feel them for me. This type of inner contradiction is something they suffer constantly. Although she swears she will always love me and I am the best guy she could ever hope to be have been with, she just cant be with me anymore because of someone I dated before we even met. Its a real Hell I am sure.

So while she has hurt me, her new life with him is Hell too. She is trying to reconcile her feelings. She has often said that she dont believe in real love anymore. Probably because she is desperately using empty hollow sexual encounters to try and fill that deep inner emptiness in her heart.