Like an idiot I ran back to him...

[lilyz3235]

This has been the most exhausting 2 weeks for me. I'm in a 4 1/2 year relationship with a high functioning BP.

Exactly 2 weeks ago with hardly any substantial reason my bf broke it off. This is the third time he's done this to me over the course of our relationship. It's like a completely different person takes over his body and suddenly I'm the absolute worst person in the world. He acts so completely cold and unloving during these times. It's terrible and confusing and there is absolutely no reasoning with him. His face becomes completely void of any emotion and his eyes seem expressionless. It's like the person I love so much has basically died.

After he broke it off we continued living together (we recently bought a house). It was the WORST! He pretty much ignored me and shut himself off. It was driving me crazy and I couldn't take living in the house with a zombie who looked at me as if I was a speck of dirt.

Anyway, 2 days ago I told him that I was leaving. That I needed a break from him and that we should try 2 weeks of no contact then get together and see where things stand. He was on board with this completely however as I was leaving he started crying and saying that he loved me. I stuck to my decision and left anyway.

Yesterday was complete hell for me. I found that I was always wondering if he was OK. I was feeling apprehensive about the 2 weeks no contact. In my mind I knew it was for the best. That time would tell and that I would be OK whatever the outcome would be. I set up an appointment with my doctor and my therapist to keep them "in the know" and was feeling good about the steps I had taken.

Then last night at around 9pm I get a text from him that said: "I don't want to wait the 2 weeks, I miss you and love you and want you".

Like an idiot I ran back to him. I love him, I really do but I feel like my trust and faith in our relationship has been broken. I find that I am now wanting to distance myself. I want to be with him but he has hurt me. I know that my reaction is normal given that I'm trying to protect myself but how can I be in a relationship when I don't feel safe? I'm assuming that many of you know this feeling and would appreciate your insight. How do you make it work? What are your coping skills? What's your story? Help!

[Somewhere]

For my part, I have come to view as sort of like Brain Damage -- in most cases it is.  (For some tech background, search "amygdala fMRI Borderline".

Have watched my mother-in-law deal with her husband -- had a stroke two years ago.  So he is sort of a semi-functional mess, but she dutifully does what she can.

How I apply that . . .  Her daughter -- my lovely Mrs. Somewhere -- (seems like unstated Borderline Traits) is only going to be capable of doing the things she can do, as well as she can do them.  And that is that.

My side of this is the only side I can really work on.

In Alanon, we have some called "Slogans"  -- You may have heard some -- One Day at a Time,  Let Go and Let God, etc. -- I have added one for me  --  It is what it is. 

In some circles they call that "Acceptance."  Does not really change anything but my attitude and approach.  And for today that is good enough.

But always understand, the door works both ways.  When and if you had enough or want something better -- that power and control is totally in YOUR hands, and YOUR feet.

[LetItBe]

It's like a completely different person takes over his body and suddenly I'm the absolute worst person in the world. He acts so completely cold and unloving during these times. It's terrible and confusing and there is absolutely no reasoning with him. His face becomes completely void of any emotion and his eyes seem expressionless. It's like the person I love so much has basically died.

I know that my reaction is normal given that I'm trying to protect myself but how can I be in a relationship when I don't feel safe? I'm assuming that many of you know this feeling and would appreciate your insight. How do you make it work? What are your coping skills? What's your story? Help!

Oh, I am all too familiar with that look.  It was chilling.  His body was stiff, his eyes dark.  A therapist friend of mine heard me describe it and said it was hard to say for sure, but it sounded like he could have been dissociating.  I haven't seen "that look" a very long time and hope I never see it again.

Yes, the push-pull can be SO exhausting.  I've been there, too.  It can be VERY hard to resist someone who you miss and who is wanting you back, telling you what you've longed to hear, valuing you again.  Some have likened it to an addiction. 

It's important to really take care of yourself and detach from their rages.  Lately, I've been trying to be more mindful about what is his "stuff" and what is my "stuff," and I know I can't fix his "stuff" for him.  I can work on my "stuff," though.

You don't have to stay in a r/s that feels unsafe.  Are you asking how do you make the r/s work -- or how do you leave?  The Staying Board has some Lessons (at the top) that can help you work on yourself and your side of the r/s, which has made a difference for me and my r/s.  From my experience and what I've read on the boards,  it takes both partners in the r/s working on themselves individually to make the r/s work.

There are tips on how to decide what to do at the top of this board.  You can find advice about leaving and NC on the Leaving Board if that's where your heart lies.

Take care of yourself no matter what.  Whatever path you choose, there is support available here, and others here have faced similar challenges.  

[benny2]

You are not alone lillyz, when I lived with my uBPD bf he would also turn on me and treat me like I was not even there. He would just sit on the couch with that mean look. His family made fun of me one time because I told them how his face changes when he gets mad. Apparently they have never seen this. I did not know at the time what I was dealing with. I could not understand how someone could all of a sudden become so cold and cruel. I bowed to this man. I chose to leave because I was near a nervous breakdown. We have been back and forth over the past 7 months and monday he told me he wants to make this work. Now just a few days later, he is acting unsure again. I know it takes a lot of patience, but I just don't know how much I can take. Why do their minds keep changing? I love him, but I think this has become to much for me to handle

[gina louise]

don't feel badly.

I am halfway thru divorce proceedings initiated by my uBPDH... .  and now he's getting cold feet and wants to talk and see if things can work out. with concessions on both sides.

I had my faults too, nobody's squeaky clean here.

we now live 2+ hours apart-and that's been a good thing.

But I am feeling weak as my Dad just died suddenly this week-and I believe HIS rescuer urges have kicked in.

so he's trying to be gallant and kind... just when I am weakest.

My gut says no, and that in 6-12 months there will be yet another death spiral in our r/s.

I need to stay away!   

GL

[arabella]

Oh I know this story! And I HATE this story! It's so awful. I'm living the nightmare right now, very similar I think to what benny2 is describing. I know the 'look', the dissociation, the cold shoulder... .  all of it.

So how to make it work? Umm... .  right now I'm taking it one day at a time and hoping for improvement. This is only the second major episode in 12 years, so I'm assuming it's temporary (the last time it lasted 6 months - a very, very loong 6 months). Once my dBPDh is stable again we're going to have to have a talk about treatment/therapy options. I can't live like this forever and I can't handle the constant threat of the next 'episode'. So I need to know he's going to get help. I'm at the "near a nervous breakdown" stage too. Mostly I'm trying to focus on me, on keeping myself together, on improving my coping skills and learning and using the tools from this site. I'm trying to reach out to friends, to get my career back on track, etc. I won't lie to you - it sucks.

So here's the thing - if you know you can't stay in a r/s where you don't feel safe (you mean emotionally, right?) then what would it take for you to feel safe again? What would need to happen to get you to a good place? You need to define what you want and what you need before you can come up with a plan to get there!

[Spiritlife]

I am so sorry you are experiencing what I have experienced and soo mnay times. It is very abusive of them to begin with, but they really do not know how abusive they are if they know at all. I actually  recorded my exgf BPD and she said it was fine while we were arguing and she had a sort of death grip on me verbally as she was yelling and raging at me. Then the next day, all was well. She calls me "honey I love you", etc. It took me a long time to realize that this is not normal and that what they do because of their neediness, they spin us nons into their hurricane/tornado spell. We nons need to realize that we have been spun into this and so it takes a while for us to reclaim our independence if we have chosen to leave. The hurricane also needs time for it to slow its pace. So it is with their disease process and what they put us through. Personally i am getting over this mess as it was by focusing onwhat I enjoy doing. Friends, art, crafts, flying, motorcycling or discovering something or someone else. I realize now after nine months past due that there are infact better people and healthier people out there that you can infact depend on, who you can feel safe with. While I am not over the hard feelings and love stuff she has given me, just think about how worse off they feel with abandonment issues exponentially multiplied and everything else under the sun they need to hurdle through to get to the other side whilst their dis "ease" cycle start all over again. They live a very traumatic life I realize now and we nons have the ability to regenerate... .  to leave ... .  or stay with the abuse. I know is is hard to refrain from going back/. I sometimes think that way. She was adorable and loving when she was, but for us, that was well in the beginning . However the honeymoon is well over. She knows what she lost. It is harder for them. They do have remorse when they don't think about their own stuff. Just know that eventually you will be better off... .  

[lilyz3235]

Thank you everyone for all your advice & for sharing your experiences!

This weekend being with my BPD bf was back to normal. He seems to go through these cycles. He'll have a complete meltdown where we're over and he doesn't want to work on it and then I'll leave but then he pulls me back in again. I know that things will be great for at least another couple years until he has another episode.

This is my issue - our relationship is pretty much normal or average most of the time. What bothers me is the black and white "I'm always right" attitude. I know I need to work on separating myself from what he thinks about things but it's so difficult.

When he starts criticizing or blaming me or others for problems I need to not react the same way as I would if it was coming from someone who was non-BP. This is the way he is.

I've pretty much decided that I want to stay with him and work on things but I would like to know if any of you have any advice on how to not take things personally when you're being verbally attacked or blamed.

Also, my BPD and I do not have children but if we were to one day have a family my huge concern is with how his disorder will affect our children. I want to protect them from this disorder until they're old enough to understand. Is that possible?

[arabella]

You should post this on the 'Staying' board - you'll probably get some good advice over there (since you've decided to stay)!

I'm in the same boat, things will be pretty much normal for years and then... .  not. And it's not a subtle thing. It's a horrific experience. And being dumped is, well, 'traumatizing' is an understatement.

I'm still working on these things myself. Trying not to take things personally. Trying to remain objective. It's really hard. I worry about the children issue too. I hope you get some answers here - I'd like to hear them too!

[slimmiller]

You mentioned having children in the future, I personally and for me would never even consider having children with someone that has BPD. I had three. I love them to death but so wish their mother could function normally. I had no idea in the begining  :'(

Anyways, you may want to read "The borderline Mother" if you ever go any further and consider having children with him. (before deciding)  There is a very good chance (five fold) that the children will also end up with BPD