I'm worried about my stepdaughter

[newlymarried]

Something not good happened this weekend with BPDmom and SD4 won't talk about it. She is having 10 second phone conversations with BPDmom and has been physically wiped out since she returned. I am worried about her. UGH!

[Free One]

Something not good happened this weekend with BPDmom and SD4 won't talk about it. She is having 10 second phone conversations with BPDmom and has been physically wiped out since she returned. I am worried about her. UGH!

I hate that feeling of helplessness. My S8 goes to counseling. It's been a slow process, but he's learned a lot about talking about feelings. It's taken a long time to build the trust and after a year and a half he is starting to open up more to me about how he's feeling. I've also seen a lot of books and games, especially for little kids, to teach them about feelings. I think the physically exhaustion comes from anxiety and stress.

[newlymarried]

I wish I knew what happened. BPDmom is now decided that she will call at times when kiddo isn't home.

BPDmom did something really strange she called my husband's family to tell them about how maternal I am. Anything she does that is seemingly nice puts me on edge. 

[mamachelle]

I wish I knew what happened. BPDmom is now decided that she will call at times when kiddo isn't home.

BPDmom did something really strange she called my husband's family to tell them about how maternal I am. Anything she does that is seemingly nice puts me on edge. 

Weird yes. She may be planning another trip somewhere and justifying it by saying how great you are. I get praise now from BPDmom since she lives across the country. She tells me how great I am for her boys.

My experience is that the kiddos will talk about it either in the car or when you least expect it. If SD4  is acting worried and calling her a lot, needing reassurance then possibly she saw something that frightened her.

Wait a bit and let her process it.

[Free One]

Anything she does that is seemingly nice puts me on edge. 

I'm right there with you. "Nice" is never just that. It seems to be used in a way to give them a sense of power or advantage.

[DreamGirl]

What is your SD saying exactly about the weekend?

[newlymarried]

She said "two mommies are angry" and "two mommies mad at me." I asked her who the two mommies were, but she wouldn't say. BPDxw is bisexual and I don't know if new partner is a woman or if BPDxw was fighting another chick for captain felon.

She also slept for between 10-12 hours every night since she has come back. That is about 4 hours per night more than usual.

Her first morning home she ate 4 waffles and 2 english muffins and that is before breakfast at preschool. I spoke with one of her preschool teachers and apparently she had seconds for preschool breakfast too. I don't think she was fed. This is a 4 year old little girl, not a teenage boy and eating that much got me worried. Her sleeping so much got me worried as well. I don't speak to her mom, but I may have to get DH to find out what happened. 

[mamachelle]

I think your H is going to have to take her for counseling. I know there is play therapy they can do to figure out if abuse has occurred.

One thing we do with our SS is always ask what they ate for dinner.

We ask what tv shows they watched.

When they were little we'd say, oh did you ride in mom's car?

You can get a lot of information from kids this way.

Sounds pretty bad, I'm not an expert in this but it sounds like she's been traumatized.

I'm so sorry. Keep us posted.  

[newlymarried]

She has a therapist at school, but we haven't heard from her in a while.

My husband flat out asked the 4 year old if she eats at mommy's and her response was "not really."

[mamachelle]

She has a therapist at school, but we haven't heard from her in a while.

My husband flat out asked the 4 year old if she eats at mommy's and her response was "not really."

You need a specially trained therapist if you guys decide to check for abuse.

Not really ? She is only 4 ? Smart kiddo.  I would still ask her what she ate for what meal.

I'm thinking you should at least speak with her preschool therapist about your concerns.

[newlymarried]

I don't have authorization to do that. I am just a stepmom. We will be talking to a lawyer to get me a medical durable power of attorney. I am a nurse. It sucks that when it comes to the kiddo I have no authority whatsoever.

[mamachelle]

Hey newlymarried

Maybe I am missing something here but I think you actually can talk to therapists, doctors, teachers as a stepmom.

I do it all the time. No one has ever told me I don't have authority unless it was hospitalization or medical decision like surgery which I would not want to deal with alone anyway. As soon as my H signed docs with the hospital I was in and it did not require a lawyer so not sure what is going on?

In your case, I know you have custody battles going on possibly but you talking to a therapist at her school or requesting SD be seen and your concerns should be ok.

I don't know what kind of pre school she is in either. Is the therapist going to be shocked your SD mom is bisexual and possibly drug addicted? You do have to choose therapists who you can trust and who understand BPD.

Hope your SD is doing better this weekend. 

[newlymarried]

her bio parents have decision making authority according to the parenting plan.

She is doing a lot better because she is home and able to eat and sleep.

[mamachelle]

Glad she is doing better. 

given the current situation, I'd say Dad needs to take action since this sounds serious.

For the rest of the stuff like dentists, and pediatrician visits and routine therapy then it's actually good for them to see you and understand the family dynamic. Your SD really trusts you and her mom sounds very low functioning now --- so I'm sure SD would feel much better having you take her to therapy or doctors.

[newlymarried]

Her stomach is finally all better. Her sleep schedule is no long all messed up and this weekend she goes back to the crazy. BPDxw has started to make promised to SD4 and not follow through. SD4 is a smart kid and she knows that if Dad or I say something will happen it will happen. She knows that with her BPD mom that is not the case.

This stepmom stuff has a steep learning curve.

[mamachelle]

Hi NM

It certainly is steep but you are hurdling over a lot of the bumps with ease. 

I think what my SS therapist says to help SS10 who often takes mom's stated plans very seriously is something like this:

Well ... .  you know Mom. She just isn't that good with making plans.

She says it very funny and upbeat and he sort of laughs with her... .  

[newlymarried]

Kiddo and I made pumpkin bread today. She said she wants to take the whole thing to mommy's house to have good food to eat.  I am going to take it down with us, but now I am worried and I don't know what to do. I hate exchange weekend.

[mamachelle]

My .02 is to wrap it and hand it off in her stuff that she would want access to like books, stuffed animals, as a snack. If she has a backpack then maybe tuck it in there and a granola bar or 2 in there too. Don't give her the whole thing or make a big deal about it. Just biz as usual.

I know in my case, BPDbiomom would sometimes make cookies and make a big show of it with the return of my SS but I would not do it in reverse.

Well let us know how the exchange goes. You are doing an awesome job.

[newlymarried]

I sent the pumpkin bread down in a bag where her allergy medication is, so there wasn't a scene. Before we left the house kiddo made sure  that the bread was packed. I hope BPD biomom doesn't throw it away.  I hope that biomom keeps her safe this weekend. Kiddo is talking about her beach vacation and biomom is getting antsy about it.

[newlymarried]

Kiddo came back tonight and about 30 minutes into the car ride started puking. She complained about tummy boo-boos. She complained that she needed to poop. She She said her mommy didn't give her any of her medicine. She has over the counter allergy medicine that she needs to get every morning.

I asked what she had for breakfast, potato chips was her response. To put her to bed I read the very hungry caterpillar and because she had a sick tummy, she told me all the food she ate today. The only thing close to a meal was McDonald's and we don't eat that stuff here. The pumpkin bread I sent down, "mommy threw that away"

This woman is making me nuts.

[mamachelle]

oy! So sad to hear.

How is the whole therapy thing working out for your SD?

I do love homeopathic remedies for belly aches. I use them with my whole family.

Again, so sad, I am home with a sick 2yo today, belly stuff too, so just wanted to check in and let you know I think this stinks too.

[newlymarried]

Her regular therapist is out on leave because of surgery. My husband checked in with the substitute therapist on Friday. I told the school to watch what she ate and if she pooped today.

In Kung Fu Panda 2, there is a Mom Panda that cares for a baby panda. When kiddo comes back from her mom's, she likes to call me Mom Panda. It is adorable. Her mom wanted to mess with our plans for a beach wedding, for my family. She doesn't get kiddo until July, according to the parenting plan and she is pissed. Kiddo has to be back her by 2nd week of August for school. We also get her eow during the summer.

I don't think BPDmom will be able to handle the summer.

[mamachelle]

Hi NM,

This is all sounding quite serious.

Your SD4 basic needs are not being met and she is coming back hungry, sick, and traumatized.

Have you seen this?

TOOLS: When are the children of a BPD parent at risk?

I think it's time IMHO for your DH to get his attorney involved. I think it would be a good idea to post some of this on the legal board if you have not already. There are others who have gone through this same thing.

I agree that BioMom is not going to last the summer as she can not even care for your SD EOW at this point.

You are really doing a great job with your SD!

[newlymarried]

My husband did his divorce pro se. We don't have money for a lawyer. It became part of the court order that kiddo can't be around felons, and this is causing BPD biomom to have a meltdown. I think that she may take this as a chance to exit stage right. She didn't fight for the kiddo during the divorce and if it comes down to a man or her kid; she'll choose the man.

[mamachelle]

Yes, I remember you said this before now... .  

Does your H feel ready to file a motion ?

Do you have a legal advisor in the family or friends you have?

Maybe BPDBioMom will go ballistic if she see a motion has been filed and flee for a while ?

It sounds like your SD (and you) could use a break from her.

[newlymarried]

He filed his motion and it became part of the court order this month that kiddo isn't to be around felons. I think that if we do a well child check on kiddo while she is with mom and find kiddo with felon, we can get kiddo. BPD biomom didn't bother to tell her felonious fiance that he is not to be around kiddo. Kiddo came home and said she was with felon. I think we may be able to get her to totally back off again. She has been calling and texting. She can't bully my husband or myself and she doesn't know what to do with this.

I just want her gone.

[DreamGirl]

I just want her gone.

This is not likely.

It also brings on a whole other mess of issues - trust me on that one. An absent parent can be just as detrimental as a present one.

So we have to learn to deal with the situation at hand, any practice otherwise is a practice in non-acceptance. To me, that equals heartache and misery. Life is too far short for that.

I dealt with a convicted felon boyfriend in my own situation with my stepdaughters' mama. We freaked out when he moved in with her and my husband had an emergency hearing to gain primary custody. I got a full background check on the guy (look out DreamGirl is here to save the day) and he'd spent the better part of his adult life in and out of jail. Even our lawyer thought it was a slam dunk.

He was denied. The Judge's ruling was based on the fact that he had never committed a crime against a child. What a nightmare that all turned out to be.

Good thing was that he was just as temporary as all the other fella's in her life. Just when I had gotten used to him, she was ready to move on.

newlymarried, I know you love your stepdaughter. We have to be very, very realistic in this. Otherwise we spend a lot of time worrying and trying to rescue our children from the inevitable. Her agreeing to not take the kiddo around felons would be nice, but again, she agreed. All she has to do is take it back.

Her mama is not going away.

Your stepdaughter being fed McDonald's and potato chips for breakfast is poor parenting but not really negligence. The over-the-counter medicine is not prescribed but a recommendation from your doctor? Even at that point, she's not even really being medically negligent but just not taking the advice of a doctor.

She struggles as a mama. You can fight her every step of the way if you choose, but you need to know that should you embark on that road, it will be a very expensive and very drawn out process. There will be lots of conflict and you will learn that the bar is set very low as to what the judicial system expects for a person to be a "fit parent".  I think that you have learned that already to an extent.    

I learned a long time ago that I have to accept that she is going to struggle as a mama and her values in being a mama are going to be monumentally different then mine. I can help her or I can let her fail. I choose to help her because I know that my stepdaughters will benefit the most from that.

If it were me and I was truly worried about her diet? I'd take her to the doctor and see what that doctor recommends. I'd have the hubs open up the line of communication and say that DD has been having stomach problems and he wants to be on the same page with her. He'd discuss with her in getting some nutritional content in her diet and would not point fingers, even including himself in the blame (none of us are perfect). He'd teach his daughter (even at 4) that potato chips aren't for breakfast and that cereal and milk is better.

She only gets your stepdaughter a couple weekends a month, newlymarried, correct?  

[newlymarried]

She has her eow weekend and she is getting a week with her shortly because of spring break. There is also summer coming up shortly. BPDexw's fiance does have a history of Domestic Violence thrown in with his 15 year meth binge.

The stipulation is in place that kiddo is not to be around felons. BPDexw's fiance is a felon. She is supposed to have all of her parenting time at her parents house, also as a part of the newly signed and put into the parenting plan stipulation. She wants to take kiddo to the meth capitol of the state and have kiddo there with captain felon and his gangbanging family.

She can't just take it back, it is part of the parenting plan. This is our court order.

[DreamGirl]

The stipulation is in place that kiddo is not to be around felons. BPDexw's fiance is a felon. She is supposed to have all of her parenting time at her parents house, also as a part of the newly signed and put into the parenting plan stipulation.

If she agreed and your husband is truly worried about her safety around him (is he?) and she is violating the order, enforce it.

She'll take it back then probably, because she did agree (rather then have it ordered by an objective third party), but then it becomes her burden of proof that her fiance is OK to have around the kiddo.  

[newlymarried]

How do we enforce it?  This is all new to me.