Just... heartbroken.

[marlonrando2]

Dating(dated) pwBPD&BiPD for 9 months. So much turmoil. The worst was the cutting (one in front of me, one while on phone), the two hospitalizations, the threats, the manipulations, and all followed by the emotional roller-coaster of intense idealization.  First 3 months were pretty great (some explosive moments but at that early point I had no idea what I was getting myself into and they weren't too bad), but for the last 6 months I honestly cannot think of ONE WEEK where there wasn't an explosive moment. I read posts from others on this site, finding myself jealous of those who are able to have multiple weeks (or MONTHS!) of good times.  This was so volatile with such frequency that I started to wake up in the morning bracing myself for how he will act later that night, and thank my lucky stars that there was one good DAY.

I feel invisible, like I don't have an identity due to all the sacrifices I've had to make - with my time, job, school, friends (those friendships are torn to pieces because he hated all of them), things I could say and couldn't say, etc.  Honestly, I am not even sure why things exploded two days ago that led him to break up with me.  I can recount the facts of what happened, but it all ended up in the most confusing explosive state I've witnessed. Just recounting the details of the 3 minute conversation we had, I have no fricking idea what set him off.  I just really don't know -- with every other time he's exploded, I at least can pinpoint something in what I said or the situation.  He's texted and Emailed me a few times since, mostly about how he can't be in a relationship with someone (me) who needs to work on himself so much, telling me what he's done to himself (severe self-harm) since he hung up on me and told me that we're over, and how much venom he's filled with and how alone he feels.    After all this... .  I'm the one with so much to work on.  The last month of our relationship has mostly been about how I don't do enough to change myself, adopt his hobbies/personality/traits/interests, change my views, and improve my flawed characteristics.  I've had two long-term relationships and healthy, stable friendships with people and am very reserved, easy-going, and drama-free in every aspect of my life... .  I know I'm not perfect, but man do I feel like the worst person in the world when I'm around him.  I've never felt anything like this.

I'm a couple years older than he is.  He had to take a medical leave of absence from college this semester... .  which is supposed to be his second semester freshman year. He spent the last month of his first semester freshman year in & out of the hospital and going back home for a few days, going back to college for a few days, just to finish that semester up.  I don't think he'll be able to go back to college next year -- at least not at the college he was at (which is a very good school).  this all just breaks my heart.  His hospitalizations last semester weren't directly and probably not even indirectly caused by me, but because we were long distance last semester, I think that was just too much for him to struggle with while acclimating to a completely new environment; he socially isolated himself in his dorm room, thought everyone was against him, and excessively reached out to me over the phone and with somewhat-frequent short visits. But, even then, he would have a couple good days and love being around people in his dorm/classes/etc, but then hide away, be depressed, and go "down the rabbit hole" for a couple more days.  I know that I didn't do anything to CAUSE what he thinks, what he does to himself, or what he says, but obviously my existence has played a role in this.   

I'm just heartbroken, not ONLY because of what little piece of my soul is still left, but because here is such a sweet guy out there, so smart, very giving, so much potential, who is not going to have a normal college experience and is just so... .  troubled.  I feel like I somehow took that away from him.  I don't know how, directly, that happened, but indirectly I feel responsible.  I know he works so hard on himself... .  he is very self-aware, never in denial (even when other people are the worst in the world and when they're "at fault" for whatever, he recognizes his BPD tendencies), started DBT two months ago... .  

I realized long ago that I can't fix him or take care of him, but all I'm thinking about now is the inner hell he has to live with all the time and the uncertain, atypical, and likely depressing future he has to face. It is just so heartbreaking.  I don't know how to cope, move on, deal with myself, and not get focused on all the terrible troubles he deals with. 

[have gone nc]

This is just the rescuer/codependant part of your personality.

You need to think about why you are putting somebody who abused you and treated you badly before yourself?

He doesn't deserve that life most definitely... .  BUT YOU DO NOT TO!

Think about you, your health, your goals and what you want from life... .  not what any other person wants in your life... .  that is manipulation.

Take care.

[sunrising]

Honestly, I am not even sure why things exploded two days ago that led him to break up with me.  I can recount the facts of what happened, but it all ended up in the most confusing explosive state I've witnessed. Just recounting the details of the 3 minute conversation we had, I have no fricking idea what set him off

It sounds like you're early in the learning process here.  I've been learning for 5 weeks now since my break-up; somewhat obsessively.   You must be careful not to drive yourself crazy trying to make sense of your ex's behavior.  My ex lived with me for just over a year (we were long distance for over a year before that).  3 times during the time we lived together, she had her things packed up and ready to leave.  That's a serious move for someone who wanted to "spend the rest of her life" with me.   You know what?...  I can't tell you what caused ANY of the 3 "I'm leaving" incidents.  And I don't mean her reason doesn't make sense to me, I mean I can't tell you what her reason WAS.   It's not likely you'll ever be able to make sense of her actions, at least not in a way that is consistent with "normal" (non-disordered) behavior.

Hang in there.  Keep reading and posting.  What has happened will make more sense and hurt less with time and understanding.   Be good to yourself. Do things for YOU.

[Vegasskydiver]

When I asked my exBPDbf for reasons, for closure, all I got was "if you really think about it you will know, so stop asking me".  What the heck  does that mean?  So, I have REALLY been thinking about it and I cannot for the life of me come up with anything except the fantasies that he manufactured, like "I know, it is my gut feeling that you will leave me for someone else... .  ".  So he punished me for something in the future that I didn't even do?  I havenever experienced anything so insane in all of my life.  I was good to him, no, I was more than good.  I walked on egg shells as not to "trigger" him.  I bite my tongue when I wanted to blast him for raging at me... .  He really thinks that I am satan and that I WOULD HAVE hurt him... .  I was so loyal to that man and he doesn't even see it... .  breaks my heart in to a million pieces everytime I think about it, which seems to be all day, every day... .  

NASCAR is in town this weekend and although I am not a huge fan, some friends are tail gateing and invited me, so hopefully that will keep my mind off this misery... .  I am pathetic to say the least  

[marlonrando2]

^^ Vegas, this sounds very similar to what I'm going through.  I understand

It's just my exBPD's self-harm and his going off-the-deep end that is just so heartwrenching... .  knowing what he is doing to himself.  Honestly, I'm really worried that it might be taken to the next level.  He is at home with his family, but there's just only so much one can do.  Feel so guilty and heart broken. 

[Newton]

marlon ... .  I'm really interested to know why you feel guilty... .  

I was going to respond to your first post as it troubled me... .  but you just identified it... .  

Can you elaborate on this guilt?... .  

[Cumulus]

"Feel so guilty and heart broken". That is exactly where I started from. Heart broken, mostly because I felt guilty, guilty, because I couldn't save him or our relationship. What could I have done differently, what more could I have given. I gave until I fixed what needed fixing but then there was something else that broke. I felt like I went in circles putting band aids on every hurt that came along. I wasn't helping him and not only wasn't I helping him I was probably hurting him and certainly hurting myself. There are so many great posts and articles on here to help you find your way. Just knowing I wasn't alone was affirming.