Latest update on ds29 in jail

[cfh]

We got a call last Wednesday that his transfer to NY was approved and he was being released from jail that night!

Well we were at our Family Connections Course at the time so I got on a plane the next morning and luckily he wasn't released until I got there.

He pled guilty to misdemeanor trespassing and the judge ordered him into long term residential drug treatment (at least a year).

He went to look at one place and they did an intake and said since he was taking Klonipin he first had to detox off that.

So right now he is in detox for about a week then will go into the long term program.

Even though he is court mandated he can walk out anytime but if he leaves or gets kicked out he will be sent back to CO to serve probably 5-8 years in prison.

It has been a hellish week with him home.  I guess knowing he was going into detox he took massive amount of his RX's.  Found street drugs. Lots of talk of running off to Peru.  Very scared that he will be kicked out of the treatment program.  Terrible rages.  Every communication skill dh and I learned seemed to fly out the window.

His fear of being kicked out is very real since that's been the pattern in the past and I don't know if the threat of prison is enough to get him to follow the rules.

He won't be getting much MH services... .  just a bit.  But anything is better than nothing and his mind is always so much clearer when he isn't drugged up.

He does not want to stop doing drugs.  I wish he did but he doesn't so we will have to see how it goes. He even said that prison might not be so bad because he can get all the drugs he wants.  He just hates being locked up.

For some reason I am feeling OK with this.  This time I know we really are at the end of the line, that we really have tried everything and that there is nothing more we can do.   The rest is up to ds.

He is also paying for the detox and treatment program himself with his SSD.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[OTH]

How difficult. Take care. Hope it works out reasonably well. It is sure to be difficult.

[qcarolr]

For some reason I am feeling OK with this.  This time I know we really are at the end of the line, that we really have tried everything and that there is nothing more we can do.   The rest is up to ds.

He is also paying for the detox and treatment program himself with his SSD.

He is closer now, and hope the time when you can visit will come. I will be praying for him to find the courage and strength to persevere long enough to let the program have a chance for him. How long this will take?

And you have put all you can into being the best mom your son could have. You and your dh - can you find some time to yourselves for a bit?

Thinking of you - qcr  

[whiletheseasonspass]

cfh,

I will keep my positive thoughts for your son alive and going!  Your son must be scared for he is making a huge change and that means unknowns for him which they have trouble with- which to them feels like loss of control. 

What we do with our dd29 when we get really scared - and that is usually when she is really scared - is that we tell her she has endured a lot and that she has lots of inner strength and that we believe that she will get to where she needs to be.  We tell her that we love her and that she can always count on our love. 

We find that these words help her- the belief in her - when her own belief system is shaky and the love we have that she can always count on- helps her feel - not so alone. 

Hope this helps some.

Best,

wtsp

[peaceplease]

cfh,

I am confused.   Where is your ds, now?  Is he at home with you, and waiting to start the treatment program?  Detoxing at home?

And, you have done everything possible. I can totally unerstand your being okay with his choices, as you have done all that you can.  It is all up to him.

Will keep you all in my prayers.  

 

peaceplease

[cfh]

peaceplease

Thanks for the prayers. 

Ds was home for a few days with us while he interviewed at a couple of treatment programs.  Right now he is in a psych hospital detoxing and that should take about a week... .  then he'll go right into the long term program.

[Reality]

cfh,

Your son needs some kind, thoughtful people around him... .  Is there a chaplain at the facility?

Could your son find a mentor there?  Maybe a janitor, a cook, someone kind, just there for him.

The key goal for him is to stay, sn't it?  He needs strategies to cope with the stresses of being in a MH facility.  What makes it so hard for him?  What could he do instead of... .  ?  Is there a place he could go to de-compress?  Maybe the chapel.

I have learned a lot about anger since losing Will.  I cry and I am angry.  Life has not turned out the way it should have.  My anger is so strong.  No wonder these pwBPD rage.  Their lives are very difficult.

I pray that your son will meet one kind, understanding person in the facility.

I pray that your son will find his way.

Reality

[twojaybirds]

I lot going on for everyone.  cfh, be sure to allow yourself space and time to process which at the same time is being supportive.   Sounds like once your son is off the drugs he s clearer.  That is great for all.

I will send prayers for all.

[griz]

I am praying for both you and your son that this is the beginning of healing.  I can't imagine how frightening this must be for all of you.  I agree with Reality, if he could connect with one person who would be there for him with kindness and compassion it would be most helpful.  It must be a scary place for him to be. Our children have seen so much fail in their lives that I believe that this is what they come to expect and it too often becomes a self fulfilling prophecy. 

Take care of yourself as best you can right now.  You are an unbelievable mother and have been so supportive. Please keep us updated on how things are going and know that you are in my prayers everyday.

Griz

[JulySky]

CFH: You say your son doesn't want to stop doing drugs. You also know that he feels something is very wrong in his mind, and is grasping at anything to regulate his thoughts.  He is self-medicating in order to fill up the emptiness. (Too bad for us that they don't attack dandelion weeds or reach for the vacuum cleaner for balance!) Just out of curiosity, was he a reckless driver, crashing a car or two?

You also say you're at the end of the line.  At some point, we can't continue to save them from themselves, because we will lose ourselves.

[cfh]

julysky

My ds crashed our car when he was 19... .  it was totaled so that was it for us.  He was never allowed to drive our car again and he has never owned his own car. 

But I know he has driven other peoples cars many times and it's a miracle that he is still alive.

He's very reckless in every way. 

griz, twojay, reality, qcarol, wtsp, oth

Unfortunately he's not mandated to a MH facility but rather a drug rehab.  We met with the staff and they seem very kind (thank goodness!) so he will get a bit of MH support but not much. 

He will also be a few minutes from home and from all his cousins, aunts, uncles. As long as he follows the rules he can have weekend visits home and much more freedom as he progresses through the program.  It's a therapeutic community model.

As soon as he goes in he will be assigned a case manager and a social worker who will be our contact.  He will get job training and housing by the time he completes the program as long as he completes it.

We had planned a week away thinking that he would not be home for a couple of months but I think we need to postpone that... .  we sure were looking forward to chilling on the beach!

Thanks for all the kind thoughts and support.  Stay tuned.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[qcarolr]

cfh

I have come to believe that a therapeutic community may be a necessary "pre-therapy" for many of our kids. To make connections with others in order to find more cohesion internally - finding their "self". Peer connections are so very valuable, esp. when a little ability to be reflective begins. I have seen this over the past year with my DD26 as she has been under legal monitoring for a year now with her DWAI. (up to 3 1/2 more to go, one more year before can get driving license back and start asking for car - enjoying the break from enforcing that boudnary) She messes up, they have not sent her to jail, she grew so much on her 45 days of house arrest learning to tolerate her boredom and limited contact with friends - they could visit but chose not contact her. (too focused on themselves, my perception - shared with DD, who seemed to reflect on this -- still reflecting on this)

So your S now has two supportive communities - the rehab and his extended family. I will keep praying for him to be open to the guidance, strength and courage there for him so he can accept these needed connections. And for you to be in the communication loop - AWESOME!

qcr