I have a 32 year old daughter with BP

[pessim-optimist]

Don't know what to do. It's a shame I'll be so close and wont be able to see any of them, particularly my grandchildren. Could this be a psychotic break that she's having?

Yes, it is so sad... .   

I am not sure about the psychotic break - I am not a professional, but I think that those are short-lived with a pwBPD, IF they ever suffer from them. What is more likely IMHO, your dd has 'split' you into all bad for the time being (the pwBPD tends to see everything in black and white - no grey. So, if you are not all good, you are all bad).

What you can do, to change the dynamic of the relationship, is to stop reacting to her behaviors (if/when she contacts you), and as you learn more about BPD and learn some of the essential skills, you will be better able to be supportive of her (validating her experience), while remaining a positive, calm, and consistent force in her life; and at the same time protecting yourself with healthy boundaries.

Does that make sense?

Hope you have an ok weekend in spite of all that is happening... .

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[SCM]

Vivek  and PO, yes it makes sense all you say. I have done some of the reading on BPD and -as you say- I agree that my dd is not seeing anything good in me now and probably that's why she doesn't want me to be close to her family. My dd has the same attitude towards her brother whom she has cut out of her life for about two years now. Quite sad. My son and I are "persona non grata" for now.

I keep reminding myself that the battle is the Lord's; He's an expert on healing mental illnesses and in soothing our hurts.

[vivekananda]

It helps to know that God is with us, but we need to take advantage of the opportunities he puts in our way. These boards here are a safe place to discuss our concerns and to engage in a dialogue with others in order to learn how we can improve our relationships with our children - even when they want no contact with us. As I see it, it is my responsibility to be the best mother I can, in case my dd wants me. To do that, I need to change the way I think and behave - because I wasn't the best a mother could be for her, until maybe now. Now I know what to do and that is to keep on learning, understanding and practising those things that help me do that.

I would like you to explore what the boards here can offer you and encourage you to join in the discussions that take place on our parent's boards too. The easiest way to learn is from each other. This is where we find hope.

Cheers,

Vivek    

[SCM]

My ddBPD has started to drink alcohol on a regular basis. I am so concerned for her health, her life and the progression of her disease. I am constantly on the verge of crying for I feel I can't reach her, I can't talk to her -she has stopped all communication with me and her only brother- and I'm afraid of the consequences her drinking will have on her 3 children and husband. She doesn't call me nor emails me, it is so sad.

[pessim-optimist]

It is so sad that your daughter is drinking... .You must feel so helpless in this situation when she doesn't talk to you... .:'(  It is possible that she is self-medicating, trying to soothe her pain with alcohol.

Hopefully her husband can be there for her and try to help her find help if she is open to it. PwBPD often struggle with addictions. The thing that seemed to help with some children of the people here was a dual diagnosis program (one that addressed not only the addiction, but also the underlying mental health issues). Is there such a program in the area where your daughter lives? Maybe you can focus your eforts on doing the research, so you can help in the future, if it is possible... .

[SCM]

Yes, is very sad that she is using alcohol to deal with her problems. Perhaps the fact that she didn't want me to visit her while I was recently in the area where she lives could be because of the addiction. I don't know. I don't know what to think any more and don't know if I'll be allowed to see my grandchildren again. This is how bad it is as of now.

[Rapt Reader]

Hi, SCM... .

You may be right that your daughter's troubles with alcohol might have something to do with her refusing to see you when you were in her area; shame is a really debilitating emotion for people with BPD. And sometimes, they feel shame for things that we wouldn't even expect them to, so when there is a real reason for it there's a chance it could be debilitating for them.

I've recently read 2 books written by women who had BPD, and then finally got treatment for it and are in recovery--recovered enough, actually, to write very good books about their lives. These books really helped me understand my son's symptoms and behaviors better, and really gave me a lot to think about regarding his struggles. I think you would find them interesting, and possibly helpful in getting a handle on what she is feeling:

The Buddha & The Borderline by Kiera Van Gelder

Get Me Out of Here by Rachel Reiland

If you can only get/read one, then read the first one; both are very good, though. Also, you may have noticed that there are lots of links now to the right-hand side of this page. They are loaded with information that would be very helpful in dealing with all the pain and frustration and trauma you are feeling right now. I'm so sorry that your daughter is not willing to have a relationship with you, or let you see your grandchildren; it's a terrible cloud to be hanging over you day after day.

A really good start for you would be The Lessons link; there are ways we can feel better about what is happening, and there are tools to find them. One, as you already probably know, is Radical Acceptance for family members; this understanding has saved my sanity over and over again for months now. Please hang in there, SCM 

[SCM]

Thank you Rapt Reader. I have to do a lot of reading on the subject, need to know what this disease is about and will certainly try to get hold of the books you suggest. Thanks.

[Rapt Reader]

Thank you Rapt Reader. I have to do a lot of reading on the subject, need to know what this disease is about and will certainly try to get hold of the books you suggest. Thanks.

That's the spirit! I'm telling you honestly... .this way of communication really works; my dBPDson36 is a new man--it's like I sorta "freed him up" to become a better person by not pushing all his buttons. I don't exactly understand just how something as simple as validation and empathy can do that, but in a BPD mind, it does. And, the mother-child relationship is so strong that a positive change in that dynamic seems to alter the whole universe for them! Somehow... .I can't truly understand it totally (but ask my son; he'll tell you how being validated after 36 years of struggling with trying fit into a world that didn't understand him, is life-changing!). Please do read and learn, and ask any questions you may have... .We are here for you 24/7 to help... .

[SCM]

I have not heard from my ddBPD for about two months now. I was very close to her place while attending a conference this past month and made several attempts at having her change her mind and allow me to see her and my grandchildren but that didn't happen. Instead she told me to go somewhere else to take care of my needs. I had asked her if she could assist me on a very specific subject and she said NO. So this is where we are at now. I have emailed her since but I get no replies. I don't want to lose contact with her and I don't know how long will this last. She's not talking to her only brother either.

I was able to buy a couple of books on BPD so I have a lot to read now.

[pessim-optimist]

I am so sorry SCM that it happened that way... . 

Every person with BPD is unique, yet some of their behavior patterns are fairly predictable. When they are in the phase of pushing you away, seeing you as an enemy, painted all black, the best way it so give them some space and leave the door open for them to come back.

Chances are that your dd will reach out to you again, or you might try yourself in a while.

I cannot emphasize enough though, how important it is to educate yourself on the disorder... .If we don't change our approach to them, nothing in the dynamics of the relationship changes, and the old patterns will play themselves out over and over again.

It would be wonderful if they recognized their problem and went to therapy. Some will, some won't. Our relationship with them can't afford to be held hostage by them and their illness. We are the ones who can learn and change and hopefully contribute to the relationship getting more peaceful and stable. There are no guarantees, there's hope though.  

Let us know what you think about the books ok?

And when you are sad, we're here to listen. Also, feel welcome to ask questions along the way.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[SCM]

I heard from my ddBPD through an email, hooray! Can't believe it for I thought it was not going to happen any time soon. She said she is angry with me about "a conversation" she says I had with her child (now 15) which did not happen as she thinks it did. She said she's seeing a therapist and advises me to do the same. She is asking me not to contact them through mail, telephone or requesting to see my grandkids through skype. Lately when I have asked to talk through skype I got no reply from her nor her husband. The message was clear: get out of our lives!  She said she needs time and space. I emailed her back reassuring her of my love to her and her family -which I mentioned by name- and apologized for any inappropriate words or actions on my part that may have hurt her. In the meantime she posts photos of me and my husband-her father- on fb. What a horrible illness. I keep praying for a miracle of healing.

[pessim-optimist]

    I'd say that it's a tiny reaching out, a tiny step towards communicating on her part.

I would cautiously balance respecting her wishes, giving her space, and opening that door that lets her know it is safe to communicate.

My step-daughter was recently under pressure (by the other side of the family) to paint my h black again, after our relationship with her was getting much much better. She started escalating her behaviors, and was on a fast track towards a major blowup that would justify her cutting off communication again. We did not want that to happen, so we gave her a way out - she asked for a 1-2 mo break. We will reach out to her after the 2 months are up letting her know that we love her and are here for her when she feels like she wants to connect again. (It is possible that by that time she will re-write history and feel rejected by her dad, so we hope that the e-mail might help open the door again and let her know that dad loves her)

We have mixed feelings about it (probably similar to you) - happy that there was no drama, and sad that she is not able to stay connected... .but you are right - it is the nature of the illness. Understanding that helps make it less painful for us.

[Bugg4]

Change 32 to 29 and married to divorced and you have my daughter.

Her 3 siblings have detached themselves and her dad and I have reached break point.

[SCM]

I feel so sad today. My ddBPD has a hostile and defiant attitude towards me and God's law and it hurts me so much. I'm so afraid of her drinking alcohol apparently on a daily basis. She posts photos of her on fb and that's how I learn about this and it hurts me so much for I see her disease is taking the course of progression just as the books say. I feel like crying most of the time. I pray God will intervene in her life before it is too late.

[pessim-optimist]

Ohhh, hang in there SCM... . 

Prayer is good. We can't control the outcomes, sometimes our kids need to hit bottom first... .

[jellibeans]

The holidays tend to include drinks but hopefully after it passes she will regain some stability. I feel your pain. This will pass and there will be better days ahead

[SCM]

Thank you for your words of comfort.

I just wonder when will she contact me again. I miss my grandchildren but at least I can see the pics my ddBPD posts on fb. Is not the same as being around them but is something nevertheless. As much as I want her to write or call me I dread the content of the message, for her last email was full of threats and ultimatums. Oh, how I grieve over this child of mine.

[cbcrna1]

my dBPDd, 36 and I, her mom, have been NC for about 3 years now.  I have learned alot, read alot and gone to therapy with and without her.  I am better now, each day is better.  I pray someday to have a relationship with her.  I doubt that that will be possible in light of all I know about BPD now, I cannot tolerate an abusive relationship, she cannot tolerate any boundaries. So here we are.  My heart breaks for my daughter, at the same time it is probably better this way.  Wish I had something better to say, but it is my truth.

[SCM]

I know what you mean cbcrna1. My ddBPD is totally ignoring my emails as well as telephone calls. I don't know what to do -with the exception of prayer- or how to establish contact with her and her family for I don't get a response to my attempts to getting close to them. Sad and sorry is going this way.

[co.jo]

I used to think it would be a relief to not have the drama, the middle of the night phone calls with some emergency, the abuse, the requests for money. In fact, I feel like I am missing an arm.What I wouldn't give to come home to her cheerful voice on my answering machine - Hi Mom, it's hit_____. Just wanted to tell you... .

Well I have saved hundreds of dollars... . and she just posted that she has discovered her university plan covers eyeglasses, which is a discovery she wouldn't have made if she had called the Bank of Mom. But, those are the only bright sides in a sad picture. It is so painful, and I can't imagine if she had children I couldn't see.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lever.]

I think the advice just to give some space when you are being painted black is good but so difficult.

Hello co-jo. Did you get any response to your validation letter? I have been wondering. I had one slightly hopeful e-mail and then another very angry one telling me not to make contact again. Can only wait now. I am surprised despite all the stress that I miss my daughter as much as the GC.

SCM,  prayer, meditation or whatever spiritual practice feels right for you is certainly a comfort.

l

[ibwalrus]

I know that " still feeling grief " from last visit. The monetary cost of a weekend visit is too much. I am finding damage around my home my D inflicted on our home. We need to bring an appliance repair person in.  Didn't discover this until after she left.  And, I feel shell shocked. Still processing what happened. She operates in the speed of a tornado! I usually have no idea of her agenda , until I am the cause of screwing it up ( in her opinion ). I am afraid to leave her alone with my belongings... . Oh my god. I need a nap.

[auntie32]

Hi,

I totally understand what you are going through ,as my only daughter has BPD and my Mother had it severely ,but passed years ago. My daughter is 26 years and I feel things are getting worse between us ,so can really empathise with you ,yes we love our children ,but must understand they have no control at that minute in time when they hurt us. Can I ask you what kind of Mother is she? Has she been diagnosed? Do you have friends to talk with, or a partner?

I feel finding the right therapy is one answer and another is to try and understand how she is feeling inside of her and let her come to you.

[SCM]

Hi auntie32,

In answer to your questions I believe my daughter is a good mother in terms of providing for her children and wanting the "best" for them. Yet because of her BPD she's depriving them from their right to a peaceful environment including their right to see the grandparents for she doesn't allow me to see them nor her in laws whom she doesn't get along with either. My dd -now 33- is a hard worker and makes good money and has a good husband who helps around the house and with the children but I don't know if he realizes what goes on in terms of her psychiatric disorder. My dd was diagnosed with the disorder at 17, in her senior year of high school when she got pregnant with her oldest, now 15.

It's been 17 months now that my ddpbd doesn't communicate with me, she doesn't respond to my emails or telephone calls and she stopped communicating with my son -her only brother-.

I am widowed and I'm not attending therapy at this time. Frankly I don't know how to restore a relationship with her.

[pessim-optimist]

Frankly I don't know how to restore a relationship with her.

Dear SCM, there are no guarantees. All you can do is keep reaching out here and there and keep the door open... .  

[jellibeans]

Dear SCM

Was there one argument or fight that caused this break? Or have you always been the target of her anger and blame?

Have you tried the letter that is mentioned in Valerie Porr's book? I know you have been on this board for a while so you might have tried that already. I think pessim-o has the right idea... . just keep looking for ways to interact with her. Sending a card on bday's, hoildays etc... . writing a little something inside that might melt her heart... .

[lever.]

Dear SCM  I am in a similar position at present. My DD is 33 and has 3 young children. Up until Christmas I was very involved with them and now she has broken off contact. She sent me an e-mail which was basically a character assassination. Reading this site and Valerie Porr's book helped me to see that a lot of this is projection and she is very unhappy.

Reading other people's posts has helped me to come to some level of peace with myself.

I wrote one letter on the lines suggested by Valerie Porr to let her know the door is open. I got a response but not a very positive one.

I have now backed off and will be following jellibeans advice- just very low level approaches to try to let her know she is loved.As other posters have said, there are no guarantees but its all we can do. Look after yourself, build up your own strength and just try to let your DD know that you will  always be there for her,

[SCM]

Yes jellibeans,  there was a trigger to this behavior of my dd cutting off all communication with me. When her oldest child (15) spent 2 months with me the summer of 2012 she asked me what was wrong with her mom. I made the huge mistake of replying her mom had a personality disorder and could not control her emotions. That was all I said and the child didn't ask for more. Well, as you may imagine, my gd told her mom and after that her mom -my ddBPD- started imagining that we had had a long and extensive conversation about her condition, which did not happen. These imaginings from my sick dd were followed by extremely mean behavior towards me which ended up in cutting off all communication with me and my son, her only brother. Both of us are "persona non grata" to her. It surprises me her attitude towards her brother for they used to be friends. Not any more.

PessiO I do reach out to her from time to time hoping it will give her an excuse to get back to me, but that hasn't happened.

Yes Lever, I have and will continue to let my dd know that she can count on me.

And, of course and above all I will continue to pray and pray and pray for a miracle to take place.

[jellibeans]

Dear SCM

I can see how your daughter would imagine all kinds of things and how easily they think the worst. Is you dd also ODD? My dd is and that makes her so stubborn and unforgiving.

What about the letter?