Living with the guilt

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

How do people cope with living with the guilt of hurting a BPD ex?

I was the perfect partner to her for the whole almost year we were together.  I couldn't have done more, I was supportive, loving, romantic, sent her flowers... .  she was my best friend.

I've mentioned about me wanting to postpone the wedding, a few times now.

But it's eating away at me, to the point I cannot cope with the guilt anymore.  I really can't.  It hurts me so much, knowing what I did.

We were together 6 months when she proposed.  I was over the moon, so was she.  We both knew it was right, we both wanted it.

A month later, she suggested November for getting married.  It seemed great, even though quick. We would only have been together 11 months at that point.  But I was excited about it.

Then we moved in together the next month, and then the following month she had a health scare.  Which totally emotionally drained me.  It really sent me into this detached mode where I was terrified of losing her, I realised even more how much I loved her, and I somehow emotionally detached (a self-preservation mechanism I guess).

By this point, there was only about 8 weeks until the wedding.  I started panicking, for a few reasons. Money, lack of time to plan (I'm the world's WORST at planning!), the fact it was so soon!  And her health scare had really thrown me for a loop.  She started mirroring new people at work at this point too, and I picked up on the difference in her, which really unsettled me.

She was very excited about the wedding, and was always wanting to plan, look at things online, e.g. invites.  I kept saying "I'll do it later, I'm too busy" as my head was racing.  I loved her, I wanted to marry her, but it was just too soon.  We gave out the first batch on invites just to close friends in our home town, when we saw them.  

But still I was panicking inside.  Not about marrying HER, but about the day itself.  And just feeling unsettled, and it had all been so quick.  I knew she had deep issues, but I wasn't sure HOW deep and I felt like I wanted to know the true extent of it before I signed that paperwork, I wanted to KNOW I could support her 100%.  I don't feel it would be fair to just marry because I loved her and not know what I was taking on.  But I DID want to be with her forever. I wanted more time.

As I loved her, I put my feelings to one side.  And vowed to just marry her on that day, even though with hindsight I would have waited longer.  I also wanted to enjoy it, not rush it, enjoy the build up and the little things we had to look forward to.  But I felt at this point that the wind had been knocked out of my sales, with the health scare and stuff.  So I put off the planning, burying my head in the sand every time she suggested it.

With 8 weeks to go (and we had booked the reception at this point but not paid for it, we hadn't picked wedding dresses or decorations or anything), she sat me down and said she knew I wasn't happy, and did I want to postpone?  I began to cry and said yes.  She began to cry too and said she was sad, but that it would be ok.  And I truly thought it would.

I had no idea HOW deep her issues ran.  Her fears of abandonment.  But I DID know it would hurt her.  It would hurt a non-BPD person too.

It broke us.  She tells me that every time she gets in touch.  She wants to punish me forever.  I cry every time I think about what I did to her... .  I broke her.  Here was a scared girl, who had finally found love for the first time, she was finally happy.  And I took it all away from her.

We tried for the next month or so. But she kept staying away with work.  I left her to it - I felt such guilt and gave her space, again burying my head in the sand hoping it would all be ok.  She later told me that I never fought for her, I just let her go.

I made a joke once about not wanting a first dance (I can't dance!) and of course I would have had one! But she was very upset by this, and later told me that she knew once I'd said that, that I hadn't wanted to marry her.

I broke her heart, I took away everything she had dreamed of, I crushed her.  She says that the day I said I wanted to wait another year, that something inside her died that day.

I feel like I can't live with myself.  I hate myself so much.  I will never forgive myself for what I did to her.  

People tell me I had to be true to myself, which I know is true, but I hurt the girl I loved so very much.  I feel like I have broken part of her and she will never be the same. She has had a really horrible life.  And I was the one thing that made her happy, and the day she proposed to me was the happiest day of her life when I said yes.  And I took it all away.  It was the cruellest thing I have EVER done.

Nobody can know how much I hate myself.

She is now engaged to be married to her new girl - which was a big shock as she doesn't generally HAVE relationships. I was the first one she ever fell in love with.  Cynics tell me that she found herself somebody else pretty quickly!  And I shouldn't feel that bad, that I dodged a bullet.  But what about her?  Yes, she may marry her new girl, and she may be happy.  But that won't take away the pain she has when she thinks back.  It won't take away the feelings of rejection and abandonment.  It won't take away the fact I let her down so much.

The girl I loved so very much, lost it that day.  She was never the same again.  She lost her job as she was acting crazy, her anger was immense, she was suicidal. She walked out of our home for a fresh start in a new town a month or so later, because she couldn't face being here.  She has since been diagnosed by her doctor as having had a breakdown...

She loves her new girl, she tells me.  And she is in love with her. But she says there is too much pain for us ever to be together again, but that she will always love me.

It hurts every part of me.

BPD or not - I broke her and I made her worse.

Tell me - how do you get over something like that?

She says she has forgiven me, but I know she hasn't.  And she never will.

[mango_flower]

How do people cope with living with the guilt of hurting a BPD ex?

I was the perfect partner to her for the whole almost year we were together.  I couldn't have done more, I was supportive, loving, romantic, sent her flowers... .  she was my best friend.

I've mentioned about me wanting to postpone the wedding, a few times now.

But it's eating away at me, to the point I cannot cope with the guilt anymore.  I really can't.  It hurts me so much, knowing what I did.

We were together 6 months when she proposed.  I was over the moon, so was she.  We both knew it was right, we both wanted it.

A month later, she suggested November for getting married.  It seemed great, even though quick. We would only have been together 11 months at that point.  But I was excited about it.

Then we moved in together the next month, and then the following month she had a health scare.  Which totally emotionally drained me.  It really sent me into this detached mode where I was terrified of losing her, I realised even more how much I loved her, and I somehow emotionally detached (a self-preservation mechanism I guess).

By this point, there was only about 8 weeks until the wedding.  I started panicking, for a few reasons. Money, lack of time to plan (I'm the world's WORST at planning!), the fact it was so soon!  And her health scare had really thrown me for a loop.  She started mirroring new people at work at this point too, and I picked up on the difference in her, which really unsettled me.

She was very excited about the wedding, and was always wanting to plan, look at things online, e.g. invites.  I kept saying "I'll do it later, I'm too busy" as my head was racing.  I loved her, I wanted to marry her, but it was just too soon.  We gave out the first batch on invites just to close friends in our home town, when we saw them.  

But still I was panicking inside.  Not about marrying HER, but about the day itself.  And just feeling unsettled, and it had all been so quick.  I knew she had deep issues, but I wasn't sure HOW deep and I felt like I wanted to know the true extent of it before I signed that paperwork, I wanted to KNOW I could support her 100%.  I don't feel it would be fair to just marry because I loved her and not know what I was taking on.  But I DID want to be with her forever. I wanted more time.

As I loved her, I put my feelings to one side.  And vowed to just marry her on that day, even though with hindsight I would have waited longer.  I also wanted to enjoy it, not rush it, enjoy the build up and the little things we had to look forward to.  But I felt at this point that the wind had been knocked out of my sales, with the health scare and stuff.  So I put off the planning, burying my head in the sand every time she suggested it.

With 8 weeks to go (and we had booked the reception at this point but not paid for it, we hadn't picked wedding dresses or decorations or anything), she sat me down and said she knew I wasn't happy, and did I want to postpone?  I began to cry and said yes.  She began to cry too and said she was sad, but that it would be ok.  And I truly thought it would.

I had no idea HOW deep her issues ran.  Her fears of abandonment.  But I DID know it would hurt her.  It would hurt a non-BPD person too.

It broke us.  She tells me that every time she gets in touch.  She wants to punish me forever.  I cry every time I think about what I did to her... .  I broke her.  Here was a scared girl, who had finally found love for the first time, she was finally happy.  And I took it all away from her.

We tried for the next month or so. But she kept staying away with work.  I left her to it - I felt such guilt and gave her space, again burying my head in the sand hoping it would all be ok.  She later told me that I never fought for her, I just let her go.

I made a joke once about not wanting a first dance (I can't dance!) and of course I would have had one! But she was very upset by this, and later told me that she knew once I'd said that, that I hadn't wanted to marry her.

I broke her heart, I took away everything she had dreamed of, I crushed her.  She says that the day I said I wanted to wait another year, that something inside her died that day.

I feel like I can't live with myself.  I hate myself so much.  I will never forgive myself for what I did to her.  

People tell me I had to be true to myself, which I know is true, but I hurt the girl I loved so very much.  I feel like I have broken part of her and she will never be the same. She has had a really horrible life.  And I was the one thing that made her happy, and the day she proposed to me was the happiest day of her life when I said yes.  And I took it all away.  It was the cruellest thing I have EVER done.

Nobody can know how much I hate myself.

She is now engaged to be married to her new girl - which was a big shock as she doesn't generally HAVE relationships. I was the first one she ever fell in love with.  Cynics tell me that she found herself somebody else pretty quickly!  And I shouldn't feel that bad, that I dodged a bullet.  But what about her?  Yes, she may marry her new girl, and she may be happy.  But that won't take away the pain she has when she thinks back.  It won't take away the feelings of rejection and abandonment.  It won't take away the fact I let her down so much.

The girl I loved so very much, lost it that day.  She was never the same again.  She lost her job as she was acting crazy, her anger was immense, she was suicidal. She walked out of our home for a fresh start in a new town a month or so later, because she couldn't face being here.  She has since been diagnosed by her doctor as having had a breakdown...

She loves her new girl, she tells me.  And she is in love with her. But she says there is too much pain for us ever to be together again, but that she will always love me.

It hurts every part of me.

BPD or not - I broke her and I made her worse.

Tell me - how do you get over something like that?

She says she has forgiven me, but I know she hasn't.  And she never will.

[HarmKrakow]

My dear, dear, dearest mango_flower, I will reply to this later in full, but just want to know that im with you ok? When I have time I will reply in full, as a post like this requires a full reply!

[Hutsepotmetworst]

Dear Mango_Flower

let's start with a 

you should know it wasn't you who broke her, it is BPD that has broken her.

Getting married so soon in a relationship is a crazy idea, and you know that too.

And maybe postponing the wedding would hurt everyone, if your partner truly loves you, she would understand your feelings about it. Getting married is not a matter of life and death, is it ?

You were under a lot of stress that time, it is her that should understand your feelings about the whole plan and feel with you. Isn't that what true love is about ?

Keep strong !

[mango_flower]

Dear Mango_Flower

let's start with a 

you should know it wasn't you who broke her, it is BPD that has broken her.

Getting married so soon in a relationship is a crazy idea, and you know that too.

And maybe postponing the wedding would hurt everyone, if your partner truly loves you, she would understand your feelings about it. Getting married is not a matter of life and death, is it ?

You were under a lot of stress that time, it is her that should understand your feelings about the whole plan and feel with you. Isn't that what true love is about ?

Keep strong !

Thank you so much - I know you are 100% correct.  The marriage thing was very important as we are a same sex couple, and you must be married in order that the other partner is legally recognised as the other parent of your child if you have one... .  and we were planning children.  So me postponing the wedding had an impact on that - in her eyes I was saying I didn't want to commit to her and our future children... .  

And yes, she should have been more considerate of my wishes.  But I went along with it, I was genuinely excited at first.  She was like a small child, finally got her dream come true.  And I took it all away from her.  To this day she will not accept that I would have been at that altar the following year... .  to her, I "called off" the wedding. 

It's partly the sting of indignation I guess - that I will now never have the chance to prove to her... .  

And even though I know it was the BPD that broke her, her own brain and the way she perceived things, I still know that she was happy - then I made a choice - and then she was sad. 

It just breaks my heart.  I know I shouldn't feel guilt, but I do.  I knew she was a vulnerable little person, I should never have committed to something I was going to back out of. 

My logic knows you are right - but my heart still feels so much guilt and pain for what happened. 

[TheDude]

As you progress down the road of healing, that emotionally instigated guilt will transform into "dodged a bullet" relief. Consider - would you rather have done something that would have resulted in going through with marriage?

Then what?

[Slowlybutsurely]

Hi MangoFlower.

I'm sorry for your sadness.

When most (if not all) of us here read your posts, we see that it was your exgf and not you who was the issue. You don't see that yet, because it is too soon.

After I broke up with my exgf, I blamed myself too, because my ex blamed me, and put it all one me. I was the reason our relationship didn't work, and why it hadn't turned out magically beautiful, as she had hoped it would. I blamed myself so very deeply for probably a year. It was gut wrenching, and I've never felt worse.

Now, with more emotional distance and clarity of vision, I see it wasn't me. It was her, and her disorder that ruined things, and that made it impossible even from the start.

Sure, we all make mistakes. I made huge ones. You made them, we all make them. But to want to postpone a wedding that was planned to soon in the first place, so that you could have more time to prep for it?  That was not a mistake. It's crazy to marry someone after not even knowing them a year! I mean, really! It was too soon, and you wanted more time, and instead of dealing with it, her disorder set in and she snapped. That's not your fault.

I don't feel guilty at all anymore, about how things turned out with my ex. I resent her for the way she behaved, and put it all on me. I don't even like her anymore. Time and seeing things clearly has a way of changing your perspective. You are currently in the worst phases of post-breakup. We all go through it. And we all come out of it too, and we can see that your ex is not normal, and that you are doing the typical thing that we all do. It's a pattern, and you are following it. Eventually it will get better.

 

[mango_flower]

As you progress down the road of healing, that emotionally instigated guilt will transform into "dodged a bullet" relief. Consider - would you rather have done something that would have resulted in going through with marriage?

Then what?

You're definitely right - I saved us both pain in the long term - I am sure this would have happened eventually, and it would have been even more painful if married... .  I don't think there was ever going to be a "good" way out of this.  

And I am glad I am not married... .  now I have seen the chaos her BPD can cause.

I can't say I regret my decision, but I just regret that there was so much hurt and pain... .  it's kind of hard to explain what I mean!  

Hi MangoFlower.

I'm sorry for your sadness.

When most (if not all) of us here read your posts, we see that it was your exgf and not you who was the issue. You don't see that yet, because it is too soon.

After I broke up with my exgf, I blamed myself too, because my ex blamed me, and put it all one me. I was the reason our relationship didn't work, and why it hadn't turned out magically beautiful, as she had hoped it would. I blamed myself so very deeply for probably a year. It was gut wrenching, and I've never felt worse.

Now, with more emotional distance and clarity of vision, I see it wasn't me. It was her, and her disorder that ruined things, and that made it impossible even from the start.

Sure, we all make mistakes. I made huge ones. You made them, we all make them. But to want to postpone a wedding that was planned to soon in the first place, so that you could have more time to prep for it?  That was not a mistake. It's crazy to marry someone after not even knowing them a year! I mean, really! It was too soon, and you wanted more time, and instead of dealing with it, her disorder set in and she snapped. That's not your fault.

I don't feel guilty at all anymore, about how things turned out with my ex. I resent her for the way she behaved, and put it all on me. I don't even like her anymore. Time and seeing things clearly has a way of changing your perspective. You are currently in the worst phases of post-breakup. We all go through it. And we all come out of it too, and we can see that your ex is not normal, and that you are doing the typical thing that we all do. It's a pattern, and you are following it. Eventually it will get better.

 

Thank you so much    It is good to know I'm not going crazy and that this is a normal pattern... .  

You're right in that it was crazy to get married so soon.  The sad thing is, I honestly feel that if I hadn't agreed at the start, and had been more assertive and told her I wanted to wait until 2014 or something, it would have been fine.  It was the fact that I let her think she could have it, she started to plan, felt so happy and safe and secure for the first time in her life, and then I just took it all away in one fell swoop.  I just feel I was so cruel, even though that was never my intention.  Urgh.

[Slowlybutsurely]

She is an ADULT, not a little baby who must have her toy to feel safe and secure.

You are making yourself feel bad by assuming she is a little baby and that you were a bad bad bad mommy for making her feel so sad and bad.

Think about it.

In fact, she isn't truly an adult, and IS more like a baby. But that is NOT your problem. She was your PARTNER, not your daughter, and this isn't your fault. It's hers for unfortunately having a disorder that makes her feel and respond like a little baby. But you aren't her mom, okay?  Not her mom. Not her mom. Not her mom. Repeat that to yourself every time you start to feel guilty for taking away her toy, okay?

[mango_flower]

She is an ADULT, not a little baby who must have her toy to feel safe and secure.

You are making yourself feel bad by assuming she is a little baby and that you were a bad bad bad mommy for making her feel so sad and bad.

Think about it.

In fact, she isn't truly an adult, and IS more like a baby. But that is NOT your problem. She was your PARTNER, not your daughter, and this isn't your fault. It's hers for unfortunately having a disorder that makes her feel and respond like a little baby. But you aren't her mom, okay?  Not her mom. Not her mom. Not her mom. Repeat that to yourself every time you start to feel guilty for taking away her toy, okay?

That last line made me actually laugh out loud   Thanks! 

Yes - you're right.  I know this.  I know this 100%.  I think hearts just take longer to catch up than logic does... .  

[Slowlybutsurely]

I was right where you were about two years ago, and it took almost 1.5 years for my heart to catch up with my head. But it did, oh boy did it. And yours will too.

Here's hoping you get there more quickly than I did. 

Remember: not her mommy... .  

[Leaf]

Hi Mango Flower, It must be so hard to see that someone else is now living your fantasy. I feel for you. And about the not believing... .  The worst thing my ex could do to me was say he didn't believe me. Sometimes there was this little peripheral lie he picked up on. A few times I could see that in hindsight. But he saw right into my subconscious and knew which button to push. I sometimes wonder whether I got extra angry because I said I was telling the truth while I felt the itch of a subconscious little lie. But I was still telling the truth. Maybe you feel so indignant because something like that is going on?

Can I summarize your story like this?

- You loved her so much, she proposed to you, how can you not say yes?

- You loved her so much, she wanted a quick wedding, how can you not say yes?

It's a fantasy come true.

- Then her health scare puts your feet back on the ground. This is reality. You're getting married in reality. And it's too soon.

- So you had no choice but to put some reality into the mix. Because you're getting married in reality.

- And now you feel guilty because you destroyed the fantasy. But only your fantasy was about the two of you. Her fantasy is about her and someone she's cast in the leading role. At this point she seems to be a lot less vulnerable than you are.

Just guessing here but... .  Are you sure she wouldn't have chickened out at the last minute herself? The wedding sounds like a love test and the wedding itself isn't necessary for you to pass the test. Maybe you had already passed the test, when you had booked the reception. Maybe her health scare had made the fantasy less than perfect for her as well, and she wants a perfect fantasy all the way. Maybe she asked you if you wanted to postpone the wedding because she was getting cold feet herself, the next step was paying for the reception, and she's hardwired to push your guilt button.

Her finger is stuck pushing your guilt button, because she says she doesn't believe you would have married her the next year. At the time you did believe in a marriage a year later. And you want her to believe that. But believing you means she has to take her finger of your guilt button, to give up control.

If you had said no to the proposal right away you would have failed the love test even sooner and you would have felt guilty even sooner. And suppose you had married her. Do you think you would have passed all the love tests once you were married to her? At what point would you be able to say no and not feel guilty?

Do you maybe feel guilty also because subconsciously at the time you knew you wouldn't marry her in a year either, unless some miracle happened, unless your relationship became firmly anchored in reality? Maybe you knew but, like all of us here, found it hard to let go of the fantasy and you kept hoping for a miracle. Maybe you'll feel less guilty if you tell yourself: I truly wanted to believe in the fantasy, so much is true, but subconsciously I knew it couldn't work, she read my subconscious just right, so I could validate her interpretation, and I did good.

[HarmKrakow]

How do people cope with living with the guilt of hurting a BPD ex?

I was the perfect partner to her for the whole almost year we were together.  I couldn't have done more, I was supportive, loving, romantic, sent her flowers... .  she was my best friend.

I've mentioned about me wanting to postpone the wedding, a few times now.

But it's eating away at me, to the point I cannot cope with the guilt anymore.  I really can't.  It hurts me so much, knowing what I did.

Trust me, I feel exactly the same. Someway one way or another I have the feeling, I'm all to blame (also because in both our cases, the EX tells us, that we are to blame and we could have made it work if we did THIS or THAT and that they are upset with us that we didn't do it and that we 'blew our chance'. It seriously hurts so much that it goes straight through the heart and I can't understand that someone can suffer SO much mental pain, because in the end, even today I'm the one feeling sorry for myself that I blew up this relationship and I still blame my silly sorry ass for everything that went wrong and it's SO hard and difficult to point it somewhere else. Why? Because they still blame us ... and we are lonely and sad while they move on ...

What if we said this or that? Would we have saved it? ... it's so ing agonizing that i'm proud of you that you are still fighting, i've already hit so many points last 7 days in my life where I was prepared to give up fighting.

We were together 6 months when she proposed.  I was over the moon, so was she.  We both knew it was right, we both wanted it.

A month later, she suggested November for getting married.  It seemed great, even though quick. We would only have been together 11 months at that point.  But I was excited about it.

Then we moved in together the next month, and then the following month she had a health scare.  Which totally emotionally drained me.  It really sent me into this detached mode where I was terrified of losing her, I realised even more how much I loved her, and I somehow emotionally detached (a self-preservation mechanism I guess).

By this point, there was only about 8 weeks until the wedding.  I started panicking, for a few reasons. Money, lack of time to plan (I'm the world's WORST at planning!), the fact it was so soon!  And her health scare had really thrown me for a loop.  She started mirroring new people at work at this point too, and I picked up on the difference in her, which really unsettled me.

She was very excited about the wedding, and was always wanting to plan, look at things online, e.g. invites.  I kept saying "I'll do it later, I'm too busy" as my head was racing.  I loved her, I wanted to marry her, but it was just too soon.  We gave out the first batch on invites just to close friends in our home town, when we saw them.  

But still I was panicking inside.  Not about marrying HER, but about the day itself.  And just feeling unsettled, and it had all been so quick.  I knew she had deep issues, but I wasn't sure HOW deep and I felt like I wanted to know the true extent of it before I signed that paperwork, I wanted to KNOW I could support her 100%.  I don't feel it would be fair to just marry because I loved her and not know what I was taking on.  But I DID want to be with her forever. I wanted more time.

As I loved her, I put my feelings to one side.  And vowed to just marry her on that day, even though with hindsight I would have waited longer.  I also wanted to enjoy it, not rush it, enjoy the build up and the little things we had to look forward to.  But I felt at this point that the wind had been knocked out of my sales, with the health scare and stuff.  So I put off the planning, burying my head in the sand every time she suggested it.

With 8 weeks to go (and we had booked the reception at this point but not paid for it, we hadn't picked wedding dresses or decorations or anything), she sat me down and said she knew I wasn't happy, and did I want to postpone?  I began to cry and said yes.  She began to cry too and said she was sad, but that it would be ok.  And I truly thought it would.

I had no idea HOW deep her issues ran.  Her fears of abandonment.  But I DID know it would hurt her.  It would hurt a non-BPD person too.

It broke us.  She tells me that every time she gets in touch.  She wants to punish me forever.  I cry every time I think about what I did to her... .  I broke her.  Here was a scared girl, who had finally found love for the first time, she was finally happy.  And I took it all away from her.

We tried for the next month or so. But she kept staying away with work.  I left her to it - I felt such guilt and gave her space, again burying my head in the sand hoping it would all be ok.  She later told me that I never fought for her, I just let her go.

I made a joke once about not wanting a first dance (I can't dance!) and of course I would have had one! But she was very upset by this, and later told me that she knew once I'd said that, that I hadn't wanted to marry her.

I broke her heart, I took away everything she had dreamed of, I crushed her.  She says that the day I said I wanted to wait another year, that something inside her died that day.

I feel like I can't live with myself.  I hate myself so much.  I will never forgive myself for what I did to her.  

I feel exactly the same. I hate myself so much for letting the best girl in my life go away out of my system for only my faults which she told me 1000x times. I could have made her so happy ... My will to live is so thin, that I need constant anti-depressants and keep reading in order to keep my will alive. The pain flows so deep that it also made me realize I let this go way to ___ing far. I also broke my ex her heart by showing emotions.

People tell me I had to be true to myself, which I know is true, but I hurt the girl I loved so very much.  I feel like I have broken part of her and she will never be the same. She has had a really horrible life.  And I was the one thing that made her happy, and the day she proposed to me was the happiest day of her life when I said yes.  And I took it all away.  It was the cruellest thing I have EVER done.

Nobody can know how much I hate myself.

She is now engaged to be married to her new girl - which was a big shock as she doesn't generally HAVE relationships. I was the first one she ever fell in love with.  Cynics tell me that she found herself somebody else pretty quickly!  And I shouldn't feel that bad, that I dodged a bullet.  But what about her?  Yes, she may marry her new girl, and she may be happy.  But that won't take away the pain she has when she thinks back.  It won't take away the feelings of rejection and abandonment.  It won't take away the fact I let her down so much.

The girl I loved so very much, lost it that day.  She was never the same again.  She lost her job as she was acting crazy, her anger was immense, she was suicidal. She walked out of our home for a fresh start in a new town a month or so later, because she couldn't face being here.  She has since been diagnosed by her doctor as having had a breakdown...

She loves her new girl, she tells me.  And she is in love with her. But she says there is too much pain for us ever to be together again, but that she will always love me.

It hurts every part of me.

BPD or not - I broke her and I made her worse.

Tell me - how do you get over something like that?

She says she has forgiven me, but I know she hasn't.  And she never will.

It feels to me exactly the same. My ex was in a 5 year long relationship with a an abusive ex who hit her and sexually abused her, and took away her self-confidence. I didn't touch her once, neither hit her and never raged at her and only loved her. And now I failed her and she now continues and already emails me she is happy while i'm so much in a ~ pot, that I doubt my own will to live.

And then I wonder, when I drown in self-pity, that I need to deserve this pain i'm going through, why? Because I MADE HER into this pain as all I wanted to do was help her. And yeah when the hatred phase started she took over control and walked all over me until I was empty and drained. Then she looked at me and saw a pitiful emotional guy who cried when he looked at her and she kept telling me, you have nothing to cry for ...

I'm a mess man, but keep strong mango, seriously. I can't say that I have faith everything will be fine again, because I don't have that faith, I don't have the faith that I will ever find love again like the way I did with this woman. But I hope you find some familiarity in my story which makes you realize that you are not alone.  :'(

[waitaminute]

MangoFlower

So lets say you actually married her. Youwwould be posting on the "staying" board. How's it working out for those folks? How many end up here?

Don't blame yourself. You've read enough posts here I am sure. We think we made mistake. Then we read a post from someone who was in a similar situation and did the opposite. They are hurt and believe that they made a mistake. You can't beat the illness through your own choices. The illness will find a way to break the relationship unless the BPD gets long term treatment.

So just try to get over your self doubt. There are dozens of ways the relationship could have ended. But it would have likely ended.

You have enough to do to rebuild yourself. You don't need to be kicking yourself in the ass while doing it.

[HarmKrakow]

MangoFlower

So lets say you actually married her. Youwwould be posting on the "staying" board. How's it working out for those folks? How many end up here?

Don't blame yourself. You've read enough posts here I am sure. We think we made mistake. Then we read a post from someone who was in a similar situation and did the opposite. They are hurt and believe that they made a mistake. You can't beat the illness through your own choices. The illness will find a way to break the relationship unless the BPD gets long term treatment.

So just try to get over your self doubt. There are dozens of ways the relationship could have ended. But it would have likely ended.

You have enough to do to rebuild yourself. You don't need to be kicking yourself in the ass while doing it.

This is what my T also tells me constantly. It would have likely ended any way, even though i started counseling months ago in the hatred phase with my BPD ex. Weird to come see that to reality ...

[willy45]

Dear Mango_Flower,

Your post made me cry a little bit. I am so sorry you are feeling so much pain. I completely understand the guilt. I think it is pretty closely tied to the idea of 'fault'.

But, what you did wasn't bad. What you did was mature and responsible. You needed some time. You were scared. Things were moving fast. Very, very fast. What you did was the responsible thing. You didn't leave her at the alter. You asked her for some time to process. As a good, healthy mate, she should have understood. It was fast. 11 months is not a long time to get to know someone in a romantic relationship. The responsible thing is exactly what you did.

You have to remember, that a relationship is two people. Two separate people. Your needs are just as important as hers. You needed time. And you asked for it as a responsible grown up. That is OK. In fact, it is more than OK. It was the RIGHT THING to do.

Now, here is a bit of the kicker... .  the amount of guilt you feel right now is the exact same reason why this person latched onto you. Guilt means that you are blaming yourself for things collapsing. You feel like it is your fault and therefore are blaming yourself. This is the exact same reason why you lasted as long as you did in your relationship. You had the ability to turn all the chaos and craziness onto yourself and accept the problems as your own. That is exactly what your ex wanted. She wanted complete control of you. As long as you could accept that all her irrational behaviors were your fault, then the relationship can survive. The minute that you start to take care of yourself, then her control over you is threatened. The amount of guilt you can take on is a direct corollary to the kinds of abuse you are able to withstand. Do you see the logic?

This is something that I am just starting to learn. You see, I am a magnet for super hot, super crazy chicks. Literally. I could be walking down the street with a girlfriend and some super hot, super crazy chick will zone right into me in totally strange, kind of inappropriate ways. It is weird. It happens regularly. I'm a pretty good looking guy but I have always been a bit confounded as to why this happens. Now, I think I have figured it out.

Abusive people or people who aren't mentally well see me and they can tell I have a huge heart and they can tell I am a total softy. They can tell I am a care taker and that I would probably overlook their crazy or try to help them. Having a huge heart is a good quality but it can be easily taken advantage of. And so, I need to learn how to protect myself from abuse and from people who will take from me.

And Mango_Flower, you asking for some time to process the wedding stuff and take it slower and enjoy yourself was you trying to take care of yourself. And that is a WONDERFUL thing! You saw something was up, and you took steps to protect yourself. You should really honor that part of you. That is the healthy part you speaking. That is the healthy part that recognized that something wasn't right. That is the part you should nourish and cherish and rejoice that you have. Somewhere, somehow, you knew. That was your self-esteem saying 'wait'. That was who you are as a whole, human, healthy being. That was the a true expression of yourself.

The guilt is not. The guilt is part of the hook that this person clued into. The guilt is the part of you that made you susceptible to this person and is continuing to reel you in.

And Mango_Flower, I have read your posts. And I know that it is hard to see when you are on the inside. I wrote a whole post asking people if they thought my ex's behavior was abusive and most people replied in shock that I couldn't see it that way. I think one person thought I was being sarcastic. But I wasn't. I still struggle with this. But, as an outsider to your situation and reading your posts, you can trust me that what this woman is doing and what she has done to you is extremely unhealthy (to be generous) and emotionally abusive (to be direct). This woman is dangerous. She is needy. She is angry. She is abusive. Who cares about this BPD label. She is directly trying to hurt you. She is actually putting in EFFORT to hurt you. Think about that when you start to feel guilty. She IS TRYING TO HURT YOU. This isn't just some passive expression of some crazy sub-coucsious struggle. That is mumbo jumbo. Leave that to the professionals. Right now, she is trying to hurt you. She knows you. She knows what you struggle with. She knows about your ability to blame yourself, to take on the hurt, to take on the responsibility of her crazy behavior. That is likely one of the main things that drew her to you and one of the main reasons why the relationship lasted as long as it did. But right now, she is putting in a herculean effort to put you in the most pain she possibly can.

So, take a deep breath. Take a few. And call in that voice that was in your head when you asked for some time. Take another deep breath and thank that voice from the very bottom of your heart. Over and over and over again. Thank her. She is really, really great.

[fakename]

I don't know if I have anything helpful to say. Only can tell you my experience and what I believe.

I remember one day in between 2-3 breakups we were hanging out at her apartment. This was also fresh off her trying to get over her ex of one year. But that one day she was pushing me to get married that day. It was scary. Where did it come from? She always talked about marriage and kids but this was not a healthy time at all for us to do that. I simply told her we will as soon as things are settled, don't worry.

My impression of my ex is that she constantly needs things that she think will make her happy. It's that bucket with holes in it. I was convinced she thought living together, getting married and having a kid would fill her emptiness and she would be happy and I think she thought then all the problems, especially her inner turmoil would subside. (I can't believe how great I was treating her didn't do that already, especially since she said she came back to me because no one shows her the love I do.

Bottom line is its her fantasy. A relationship can't work if both individuals can't be independent and complete on their own. If they think they need someone else to get through life, they're just feeding themselves false hope and a desperate solution to what they feel is their neverending loneliness, despair and problems. We, nor they, can get to the root of their issues. It is just not possible. We have to accept that an let go. Let them live their lives and just hope they can find peace. But they will not find that peace with us. Even if we know more about BPD now. This is already proven. Let go and do the most important thing you can - get to the root of your issues - why is it so hard for you to let go

What did you experience in your life that makes you think you need this person and why you are afraid to move on.

Treat yourself the way we treated them and you'll find the peace and bright day we hoped to give to them. Commit to your decision and to yourself and your future. Be realistic there were more bad times and more despair for you than there were good times.

Let go and be happy for yourself and for them. The breakup wasn't a bad thing. If you connect negativity to it, it'll make things harder for yourself. As much as that girl was the love of my life, (though it wasn't real) I know it's a good thing I am moving on and not bringing her back.

[freshlySane]

DO Not feel guilty this is how this people work coming in as wonderful people and then leaving you feeling horrible. A normal relationship is hard  it is and any relationship is about both parties making mistakes coming together as one. I recently recycled with my ex it must be a record 2 days and now i'm here hurt and mad because i didn't listen to people on this board not detaching and moving on i said one thing again and i was thrown aside again for the millionth. I am so tired of this aren't you they are horrible people im sorry i do not care about diagnosis or that they are hurt people they are but come on this is crap. we have to look into ourshelves and fins what attracts us to them.

why do we put ourshelves in this hurt forget about her its not you and the more you hurt yourself the harder this will be for you she wasnt a beautiful person she isnt the one for you they will hurt you over and over again.  frankly i lost all sympathy for BPD they deserve this illness and let them suffer focus on you. you dodge a gigantic bullet please beleive this.