Just curious about this one...

[TigerEye]

This isn't a deal breaker for me, and I know that getting inside the head of someone with BPD is really difficult and at some times there are just as likely no explanation for the thought process, but this one has been puzzling me a bit.

My SO seems to have difficulty in acknowledging to others that she is in a relationship. This can be with friends, who know us both well, relations and strangers.

I am often referred to in some distant, unconnected form, examples, on the phone to her D12's dad, (who I have known and get on with since our r/s began) whilst describing the chaotic dogs in my house, she says "no, I'm at someone else's house", to our mutual friend who has known us both separately and together for many years, whilst telling them how she'd been let down for transport by another friend (we agreed that I would drive her before this conversation) said "I've got somebody else to do it".

The other side is not being acknowledged at all, example, she has a male friend (whom I have never met) who she spoke to maybe once a month. They would talk about their respective kids, his ex, what they'd both been up to since they last spoke. About 9 months in to our relationship, I asked her:

Me:  :)oes X know you're seeing me?

SO:  I don't know

Me:  Have you told him?

SO:  The subject has never come up

Me:  

This has been the case with a few of her friends I've never met.

In the grand scheme of things this is trivial, but understanding makes acceptance easier, so any thoughts as to what this might be connected to would be appreciated, I'm just curious... .  

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[yeeter]

Might be any number of things Tiger.

Has she been able to represent herself as part of a couple in past relationships?

It might be a sense of losing her own identity/independence

It might be an indication she isnt sure if she wants to commit to the relationship - and doesnt want to present it as locked in to keep the options open

10,000 other possibilities I cant even dream up.

But the good news is, that this type of thing will just sort itself out over time as you go forward.  Everyone else will get it and likely at some point ask her directly.  When this happens she might not be ready for it and it could cause some emotional trigger for her.

Stay the course.  Be confident in yourself.

[benny2]

My pwBPD does the same thing. Even while I was living with him and he told me he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me, I was refered to others as "the live in". It really bothered me and I told him that I felt like something he pulled off the shelf at walmart. Now we are living in separate homes, and he has told me he wants to work things out and be envolved with me. He still will not have me over or talk to me on the phone in front of his youngest daughter on the weekends when she is there. I have not brought up the subject that this bothers me because I do think it will iron itself out, but I have come to the conclusion that is may be his own embaressment because he just can't seem to get it together when it comes to relationships.

[Somewhere]

She may just be speaking her "truth," tigereye.

You do not exist on the stages / acts / parts of the play that you are not a character in.

If you ever get together with folks outside of different fantasies, it can be amazing how different the stories are.

Cannot really bring everyone together on the same stage because all the lies would conflict.

[TigerEye]

Yeeter, Benny2, Somewhere, thank you for your replies - I do love this site and the people who use it.

I guess I have been looking too hard for one answer when there is more likely many issues at play, in this case probably all of those things you have mentioned and possibly more, each of your suggestions make sense and your thoughts have helped me and that's all I can ask.

I have been a bit naughty recently, when she does this on the phone to friends we know I smile and wave "hello" , this usually provokes a grumpy face and some sarcastic comment, but often gets the point over and she will, if the conversation allows, use my name, I can only live in hope that one day it will become natural for her.

We have many bigger problems to work with and as I said, this is trivial in comparison to those, but it is another piece of the jigsaw that I can put in place to help build the bigger picture - I just wish the jigsaw wasn't the 10,000 piece Storm Cloud!

A   for all of you.