Undiagnosed mother w/ BPD

[focusy]

Oh where to begin. This website said it would be helpful to begin telling my story. There's so much to tell I truly don't know where to start.

Relationship: Mother/Daughter

Length: my whole life

Ages: She's 42. I'm 24.

Current status: what does that mean?

How I feel today?: Right now, a bit worse than usual. I try not cry, but sometimes it's just so hard not to. I got off the phone with my mother. She wanted to know my Apple ID password. I gave her what I thought it was. Told her I didn't remember. But, that it could only be that. She was mad at me already for having installed one app on her "business" iphone. She immediately became furious because I don't her I didn't remember. She started screaming. Most of the phone call I couldn't even hear her cause she was screaming so intensely. I was trying to tell her another possibly password. But, she couldn't hear me over her screaming. The first one finally worked. I wish I could say that was the end of the conversation, but she basically called me back time and time again for about 30 minutes. I kept hanging up because I could not hear her. Normally, I would think hanging up on a parent would be rude. But what are you gonna do when you've spent so much time trying to get her to hear you. Having the phone hang up or a text message come through sometimes... .  sometimes grabs her attention to make her stop for a moment. She can catch her breathe and then, at least, I can hear the awful words she's yelling at me.

Luckily, anymore, I don't live with her. Oh, gosh. This seems so sad as I'm writing it. In the past few years, I've disclosed the extent of the abuse my sister and I suffered to some close friends. But, here maybe I can be more open and honest.

I was physically, emotionally, and financially abused by my mother since about age 15. The financial abuse while a heavy burden, I manage it as best I can. It, however, was a significant factor in what lead me to believe my mother suffers from BPD. It was one of her ways to keep us tied to her. One way we could never leave her if we were completely, financially tied to her.

I had just graduated college. I was working full time at McDonalds until my dream fellowship became available during the Fall semester in NYC. I only had to make it to September. It was the last time I ever took her abuse physically. She was beating me, again. I never really remember how it starts. She's yelling at me. I'm trying to stand up to her because the reality in which she's presenting me with is so warped. She's telling me "I did this" or "I did that". When, in reality, none of it was true. She had pulled me to the ground, always by the hair. Sometimes she would throw punches at my arms (mostly), or my body, rarely my face. But, she would also choke me. This particular time she was choking me. She was on top of me, choking me. I am a very healthy young adult. I could have easily pushed her off of me. Although, for years this has come with it's own repercussions. I remember, we were in the hallway. My sister had just moved out (we graduated the same time and were both living at home with mom until our "grown up" jobs began) and moved away. My sister was very worried for me, as she was always the one to step in and probably save me -- when it got to be too much to stand. This time there was no one to save me.

But, I managed to get out from underneath her. I ran out of our apartment and to the only person I knew. He was a medical student and I didn't even know him very well. This was the first time EVER that I had reached out for help -- especially immediately after, or directly from being hurt. He used his doctor terms on me and was telling me I was in shock when I came in his apartment. I don't even remember what I said. Maybe, "help"? He had friends, a young married couple who lived in the building too. He went and got them and together the took care of me. They documented my injuries and they listened to my story. The young woman, the wife was a nurse and her husband was studying to be a doctor and they said it sounded like my mom had a personality disorder. I've looked them up and I believe she is text book, albeit "high functioning" if there is such a thing BPD.

I haven't lived with her in over two years. It's still awful when I visit. My sister suffered significantly too. Although, in a little bit different way. Now, my sister, my beautiful, very intelligent sister is getting married to a guy (who I'll admit to not liking very much at all) and is 3 months pregnant. My mom was a teenage mother. My mom never finished college even after many attempts. My mom never really had a man in life. She pushed away her entire family and our father and his side were never part of our lives. Most people give credit to single mothers cause they did it alone. I call bull ~. No single mother that I've ever encountered ever did it as alone as my mother did. She had NO support system. My sister has a college degree, a successful career, a support system (of me and some great friends), and a fiance who loves her very much. I don't know really how long my mother's behavior has been so explosive. I remember it getting just unpredictable about 10 years ago. Things were really hard on her. She did so much. I kind of think that's what made her snap. She was always probably on the fringe from her own childhood abuse -physical and sexual, to a car accident which caused a permanent bruise on her brain stem leading to a seizure disorder (she's been seizure free for over 13 years.

This whole thing with my sister is making her relive in past and project it inaccurately. It's very sad. My relationship with her is very sad. If anyone has any advice or support I really think I could use it.

Sincerely,

FOCUSy

[Blazing Star]

Hi focusy,



It was hard to read your post, I really feel for your situation  . I am very glad you found us. There is lots of support for you here!

For starters here are some links that may be interesting to you:

Workshop - US: How do we know if we love our BPD parents?

Why we stay:Traumatic Bonding,Intermittent Reinforcement,Stockholm Syndrome

And these books might be worth checking out too:

Understanding the Borderline Mother

Surviving a Borderline Parent

It's great that you have been bravely disclosing to your friends. Have you been working with a therapist at all to help you process your childhood?

Sending you a big hug   and looking forward to hearing from you.

Love Blazing Star

[focusy]

Blazing Star,

Thanks so much for your response. I just reread my mesasge and my grammar is awful! haha. Oh well. One does not really take the time to double check these things when emotions run high. I appreciate the links. I think I'll after work and look for these books!

To answer your question, I have not yet gone to therapy. I know I need it. I am just getting my foot in the door to the real world and am just barely getting by on what I make. I'm in the process of moving on to a better job soon where things like therapy will become a more realistic option! I am very blessed to have a great community and a strong faith. Faith, virtue, and strength I would be lost without these things. Thanks so much! I may continue to come to this site for more support and resources! Thanks.

FOCUSy

[P.F.Change]

 

I have a mother with BPD as well. There are great tools here to help you discover and protect your personal boundaries and take care of yourself. I do hope you will look into therapy, because it has been so helpful for me. Having professional support in learning to cope with such a dysfunctional upbringing has been invaluable to me.

I hope you will keep reading and posting. The LESSONS tab has more great workshops when you feel ready . I really like the one about boundaries&values.

You deserve to be treated with respect. It is always ok to hang up when someone yells at you, and you can takenas long a break as you need to re-center. You do not have to tolerate abuse.


Wishing you peace,

PF

[Blazing Star]

Good to hear from you focusy! And great that working with a Therapist is on the list for the future!

When a family member has BPD, the illness can negatively everyone in the family system, including children, siblings, and in-laws. Senior members on the [L5]  Coping and Healing from a BPD Parent, Sibling, or Inlaw board are experienced with and can help you with setting boundaries, finding relief from FOG, encouraging self-care, improving your handling of relationships impacted by your BPD relative, and pursuing a path of recovery from traumatic experiences. The validation, information, and support will give you strength on your journey.

So when you are ready, head on over and feel free to start a thread with your own story and questions.

Love Blazing Star

[NonBPDaughter]

Hi Focusy,


Welcome to the site. Its heartbreaking to read your post. Like many on here I can sympathize with you and i understand totally how you feel. Your story is startlingly familiar to all of us. Ill try to share with you some of the things ive learned in the last few months that ive been working with a therapist on dealing with my undiagnosed BPD mum. Its a tough process but i promise there is light at the end of the tunnel.

Firstly, you need to start creating some boundaries, and distance so you have a little room to breathe yourself and give your self a break. My mother was calling me numerous times a day and night, thankfully we live on opposite sides of the country. These calls ranged from semi-normal and coherent, to suicide threats to general insane ramblings. None of the calls/interaction with me was on a level i needed i.e : a mother and daughter connecting. It was all one way traffic-hers. it got to the point that i was stressing every time i heard the phone. I found for me, limiting the contact was the beginning. if I heard from her in the morning i would reply, "hello, just going to work, i have a really busy day today so wont have a chance to get to the phone, ill talk to you tomorrow". This will give you an honest (lets face it we are working) reason to have less contact with her.

I built on this by reiterating how busy i was, giving her advance notice: "hey mum, just letting you know that i have the week from hell coming up with work, i will be off the air for a week" One pivotal thing my therapist has drummed into me is that our BPs are predictable to a degree. We can plan for their behaviours in that i know that when im setting up boundaries... .  i know at some point my BP is going to react by raging, punishing me, giving me the silent treatment etc. So i can emotionally steady myself for this. im about 3 months in to this, and as we predicted she started punishing me by late night texts playing the victim " i dont know what ive done wrong to you", "i cant understand why you are distancing yourself these last few months, what have i ever done". I simply replied with an honest answer: "mum i have a new business, im really busy, im working 70 hours a week, i am just flat out". Wether or not she takes it means nothing to me, the main part is that I handle the interaction better. Your BP will never be able to have the kind of rational conversation about whats bothering you that you want, but you can work on mitigating the damage to yourself. Of course i wanted to scream at yell her, why is it all about her, cant she just acknowledge for once that I am a hard working woman, with a successful business and a happy marriage? Yeah right!

You can have empathy, but the first step is learning not to engage. Read as many posts on here as you can. If nothing else you will see that we are all experiencing strikingly similar behaviors and problems as each other. This really does mean that its not you! Its important to remember that even though you may have only been alert to your mums BP behaviors in the last however many years, chances are that she has been this way long before you were born, she will be this way to all who come through her life. Noone is so unlucky or unlovable that they have noone in their life. These behaviours are deep for our BP's. My mother too is divorced, lonely, incapable of having relationships, has burnt through all her friendships. I thought it was new (10years or so) but now when i think back to my childhood i can see she has been like this my whole life. She will survive if you distanace yourself... .  dont hold on to that guilt for a second. When my mum calls talking about all the ways in which she is a victim i simply say (and yes its hard to snap out of rescue mode) "It must be really stressful for you, maybe you need to speak to a professional about this who can inform you better than i can, hey ive gotta run i just got to work/gym/train whatever ill talk to you later."

Theres a great book, thats an easy read and isnt too expensive, you can get the ebook for around $8, called "Stop Walking on Eggshells". I found this was a great tool in helping me understand and start to set boundaries.

The second thing that ive found really important, is that you have to let yourself grieve for her. Our BP Mums will always struggle to interact with us in a way we need, at weddings, graduations, babies, families, achievements. Our interactions, to preserve our own lives and sanities will always be in short, calculated snippets. This is hard and some days are harder than others, but its important you remember that its not you, you are surrounded by people who love you. You will have beautiful relationships with your friends, your sister and partners in time.

I hope this helps in some way, but stay posting, and venting and  arming yourself with as much information as you can. Everyone here is walking the same path and trying to find their way. Be kind to yourself xx