I made a decision that I may come to regret

[Depression = 72% of members]

      I think my BPD and I decided to start our almost one year relationship "over" ?

Basically he told me that I can't believe anything he said in the beginning!  Because he changes on a day to day basis! So, all those lovely dreams and plans of our lives together are suddenely wiped away?

DOes he want to "start over" because of all the hurt and pain? Does he think that  it will just go away if we start over? I'm afraid that this decision is going to cause more pain :'(

WE made plans! We shared our ideas and fantasies with each other! I agreed to live with him forever and ever based on our conversations and actions!  And now he asks me to forget those words ?

[Rainey]

      I think my BPD and I decided to start our almost one year relationship "over" ?

Basically he told me that I can't believe anything he said in the beginning!  Because he changes on a day to day basis! So, all those lovely dreams and plans of our lives together are suddenely wiped away?

DOes he want to "start over" because of all the hurt and pain? Does he think that  it will just go away if we start over? I'm afraid that this decision is going to cause more pain :'(

WE made plans! We shared our ideas and fantasies with each other! I agreed to live with him forever and ever based on our conversations and actions!  And now he asks me to forget those words ?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[benny2]

Yep mine did the same thing. He bought a home, called it ours, I moved in because we were going to spend the rest of our lives together and suddenly it was all erased. Now basically we are back at the very beginning. No plans, no hopes, just 2 people starting out. They change their mind constantly. What they want one day, does'nt even exsist the next. Its crazy.





 

[benny2]

I also think maybe they do it because they don't want to hurt you anymore and they know they cannot hold a commitment.

[tut-uncommon]

Is this your first BPD r/s?

If so, you can expect this push/pull dynamic to continue in the future. . . It will happen again. Worse than that, you will be made to feel that its something you did or didnt do. I too, am experiencing this "freeze-out" accompanied with NC (no contact). It is the most miserable experience I have had in years!  

I wasnt prepared or anything! Earlier,she was saying "yours forever" etc etc etc, but I went from ultimate to dirt in just a few days (typical of someone in a r/s with a pwBPD

What do you do now?

Read up on these boards, post questions like you did here, and read-read-read books on it like "stop walking on eggshells" by Mason/Kreger. The pwBPD has a different reality than us non-BPD's. Seek professional help if at all possible (VERY important!)

I hope this helps and welcome to your new peer group that you didnt know you needed, wanted, or expected . .  

[Rainey]

While at the computer  he brings me breakfast with a smile  

And the sweetness is ripped out of my heart becuz I hear his words... .  "You are my lover, my cheerleader, my sister, my mother, you are my everything" turn into... .  "today you are my friend and lover only"    i just don"t know ?  I just don't understand?     Actions speak louder than words, right?   So, if i ignore his words (becuz those are lies) and look at his actions... .  When he had sex with M.  what does that mean?  ANd if I ask  ...  How can I get an ANSWeR?

[Rainey]

"I also think maybe they do it because they don't want to hurt you anymore and they know they cannot hold a commitment."   -benny2

So, in a way, it is a kindeness of sorts on their part? 

[briefcase]

While at the computer  he brings me breakfast with a smile  

And the sweetness is ripped out of my heart becuz I hear his words... .  "You are my lover, my cheerleader, my sister, my mother, you are my everything" turn into... .  "today you are my friend and lover only"    i just don"t know ?  I just don't understand?     Actions speak louder than words, right?   So, if i ignore his words (becuz those are lies) and look at his actions... .  When he had sex with M.  what does that mean?  ANd if I ask  ...  How can I get an ANSWeR?

I'm sorry you are going through this.  I want to make sure I understand.  He brought you breakfast and he said "today you are my friend and lover only"?  When did he say "you are my everything"?  In the same conversation? Or some time in the past, before he wanted to "start over"? 

I'm wondering if its isn't healthier, for both of you, if he doesn't think of you as "his everything" - do you want to fill the role of his sister?  His mother?

And yes, actions do speak a lot louder than his words.  The push-pull dynamic is a reflection of their own internal emotional turmoil, not necessarily a reflections of the actual status of the relationship.  Part of detaching is learning to put a whole lot less stock in what they say, and focusing more on the behaviors.   

[benny2]

They do know what they do and that its hurtful and wrong. The problem is they don't bother to realize that until its to late. I know mine lately has been apolozing alot about the things he did to me in the past, but I also think he knows he can't control it from happening again. I was "the one" a week ago, and now he says nothing. Its really really hard to bare, but I have learned also not to take much of what he says to heart. I think they mean it and feel it at the time they say it, its just that their thoughts keep changing. They can be on one page one day and 2 pages behind the next. I guess when he's idealizing me I take it in for what its worth, but I don't expect to hear it again for awhile. Just the way it is.

[Auspicious]

If he does have BPD, then he has an unstable identity. So unfortunately, things like this happen.

As briefcase suggests, the onus is on us to remain realistic and balanced. It can be intoxicating to be told that we are someone's "everything", but in reality we can't.

[Rainey]

I'm sorry you are going through this.  I want to make sure I understand.  He brought you breakfast and he said "today you are my friend and lover only"?  When did he say "you are my everything"?  In the same conversation? Or some time in the past, before he wanted to "start over"? 

I was his everything at the begining and I was reminded in words and mostly actions for months.  A few months ago He stopped reminding me in words and then, finally, one month ago he decided  a friendship/lover relationship was all he wanted.   I believe it is his way of making it easier for me. To help me rid myself of the expectations that I attached to his words. I tend to believe what a person says. I am begining to realize that isn't a healthy thing to do  

I was never looking to fill the position of sister/mother. I agree with you that it is probably not a good idea to hold someone so high up on a pedastool.  But I am not one to argue with compliments, and only I am not his keeper to tell him what is best for him. I believe we are our own keepers. We can give our opinions and ideas to our friends and loved ones, but they make thier own decisions in the end.

Yes, I need to leearn to detach if I want to keep him in my life without going "crazy"  

[waverider]

I have heard this too, but it is not meant in the same way as if you and i would say it.

It is part of being unable to be accountable for past mistakes and rectifying them.

If they feel as though they screwed up, they often hit the cancel & restart switch, to block out the existence of their mistakes. Much the way a video game player would.

If you try to bring them up then you will be seen as holding a grudge, being negative and not moving on.

His mistakes no longer exist, he feels absolved of them. The idealization could now start again, but because past mistakes are simply buried not resolved, there is a good chance they will evolve all over again, as nothing is learned.

This is how a pattern of constant recycling evolves, leaving you stuck in Ground Hog Day. Each time around you become less accepting of the new promises. That can show through, triggering abandonment issues... etc

[Chosen]

Rainey, I had a similar experience when dating curent H.  And obviously I had no idea what was going on.  He would break up with me, get close, break up again, say we start over (sometimes I begged him to)... .  and I was like 

It is the push-pull behaviour which some members have mentioned above.  I think it is the most important that you don't do that dance with them, and to some extent it will lessen over time.  It takes effort on your part though... .   

[arabella]

If they feel as though they screwed up, they often hit the cancel & restart switch, to block out the existence of their mistakes. Much the way a video game player would.

If you try to bring them up then you will be seen as holding a grudge, being negative and not moving on.

His mistakes no longer exist, he feels absolved of them. The idealization could now start again, but because past mistakes are simply buried not resolved, there is a good chance they will evolve all over again, as nothing is learned.

This is how a pattern of constant recycling evolves, leaving you stuck in Ground Hog Day. Each time around you become less accepting of the new promises. That can show through, triggering abandonment issues... etc

Omg. THIS. YES. This is exactly my experience. And it IS just like Groundhog Day - more than you even know. I'm completely creeped out by it.