What does it say about me?

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

I'ts now been just shy of 4 months since my ex brutally dumped me and just shy of 3 months of NC initiated by her. I've been in T and on medication but things are not getting better. If anything, they're getting worse. The NC has been the hardest part. To be completely cut out of her life in every way shape and form over night has been nothing short of torturous.

I want her back so bad, SO bad. She lied to me about damn near everything, she brutally dumped me for no reason and left me homeless in a hotel without a care in the world, she was dishonest, callouse, cold, deceitful, untrustworthy and lacked any form of empathy, sympathy or remorse... .  and I want her back. What the heck does that say about me? Clearly I have no self esteem and zero self confidence. I know damn well there is NO WAY I could have a relationship with this woman and my rational mind knows everything it needs to to make sense of it all. I've read endless, endless amounts of information and can relate and understand it all. There are no more questions - she's mentally ill and NOT the person who I thought she was. Yet the more time that passes the more I long for her. People keep saying its supposed to get better as time goes on, especially with NC. However, the less I hear from her the more I want to.

What am I hoping for by being with her again? It would be impossible! The sheer scope of her lies alone is enough to never be able to trust her again. Yet I'd give anything to be with her again? I miss her tremendously and think about her every hour of every day. She's the first thing I think about when I open my eyes in the morning and the last thing I think about before I close them at night - sometimes I even dream about her.

I just don't know what else to do - this can't keep going on like this. I mean this is redicules, it's to the point now where we've been broken up for almost the length of time we were together. I'm a prisoner of my own home in fear of running into her out somewhere. I'm constantly hoping for a text, an email... .  something. I put my everything into her and her kids, everything. In turn lossing myself. For the first time in my life I felt a sense of belonging, a sense of purpose... .  and for the first time in my adult life I can honestly say when I walked in the front door of her place I felt "home".

I'm struggling everyday with trying to find something to give me a reason to go on. Something, anything. Before it was reading this site and hearing everyone say "it gets better with time". Now, as its only gotten worse that hope is fading fast. I feel like I'm at the end of my rope.

[Dave44]

I'ts now been just shy of 4 months since my ex brutally dumped me and just shy of 3 months of NC initiated by her. I've been in T and on medication but things are not getting better. If anything, they're getting worse. The NC has been the hardest part. To be completely cut out of her life in every way shape and form over night has been nothing short of torturous.

I want her back so bad, SO bad. She lied to me about damn near everything, she brutally dumped me for no reason and left me homeless in a hotel without a care in the world, she was dishonest, callouse, cold, deceitful, untrustworthy and lacked any form of empathy, sympathy or remorse... .  and I want her back. What the heck does that say about me? Clearly I have no self esteem and zero self confidence. I know damn well there is NO WAY I could have a relationship with this woman and my rational mind knows everything it needs to to make sense of it all. I've read endless, endless amounts of information and can relate and understand it all. There are no more questions - she's mentally ill and NOT the person who I thought she was. Yet the more time that passes the more I long for her. People keep saying its supposed to get better as time goes on, especially with NC. However, the less I hear from her the more I want to.

What am I hoping for by being with her again? It would be impossible! The sheer scope of her lies alone is enough to never be able to trust her again. Yet I'd give anything to be with her again? I miss her tremendously and think about her every hour of every day. She's the first thing I think about when I open my eyes in the morning and the last thing I think about before I close them at night - sometimes I even dream about her.

I just don't know what else to do - this can't keep going on like this. I mean this is redicules, it's to the point now where we've been broken up for almost the length of time we were together. I'm a prisoner of my own home in fear of running into her out somewhere. I'm constantly hoping for a text, an email... .  something. I put my everything into her and her kids, everything. In turn lossing myself. For the first time in my life I felt a sense of belonging, a sense of purpose... .  and for the first time in my adult life I can honestly say when I walked in the front door of her place I felt "home".

I'm struggling everyday with trying to find something to give me a reason to go on. Something, anything. Before it was reading this site and hearing everyone say "it gets better with time". Now, as its only gotten worse that hope is fading fast. I feel like I'm at the end of my rope.

[seeking balance]

Hey Dave,

Sorry you are struggling - how long for the T & meds... .  have you been back to your med Dr. to discuss the ongoing depression?  Perhaps tweak the prescription or try something else?

What does your T say?  Is your T doing any specific therapy for you?

Best,

SB

[Forestaken]

Dave: My marriage ended after close to 25 years, the last 12 were sheer hell, I am so glad to get out of this relationship and become a whole person.

That's what I want to talk about. Becoming whole.  Don't let anyone or anything other than yourself define who you are. That's up to you.

[P.F.Change]

Depression is the worst. It can be so hard to cope with that pain, and I can understand what it is like to feel like giving up. I promise things can get better, but it might take more than time. Sometimes it means getting the right kind of help. I once thought I should just be able to knuckle through and just "get over it" and "tough it out." I eventually realized what I was doing was not working and in fact things were getting worse. SeekingBalance asked some great questions. Have you checked in with your prescribing doc and your T about how you are feeling right now?

Wishing you peace,

PF

[HarmKrakow]

Depression is the worst. It can be so hard to cope with that pain, and I can understand what it is like to feel like giving up. I promise things can get better, but it might take more than time. Sometimes it means getting the right kind of help. I once thought I should just be able to knuckle through and just "get over it" and "tough it out." I eventually realized what I was doing was not working and in fact things were getting worse. SeekingBalance asked some great questions. Have you checked in with your prescribing doc and your T about how you are feeling right now?

Wishing you peace,

PF

When did you have your 'eureka' moment and realized that what you were doing wasnt working. Did YOU(?) realize that or did someone else point it out?

[Dave44]

Hey Dave,

Sorry you are struggling - how long for the T & meds... .  have you been back to your med Dr. to discuss the ongoing depression?  Perhaps tweak the prescription or try something else?

What does your T say?  Is your T doing any specific therapy for you?

Best,

SB

Been in T and on meds since December. Changed the dosage and he meds but nothing. T has been helpful but it's gotten to the point where there isn't a whole lot left to say. Like I said I've heard it all and my rational mind can make sense of it all. Yet I still long for her so incredibly bad.

The problem with my situation is that she was an angel right up until the end. I never really saw a "bad" side of her until the end. She treated me exceptionally well and provided absolutely everything I ever wanted in a relationship right up till the end when she coldly dumped me and left me out like the garbage. Becuase it played out like that its been tremendously difficult to wrap my head around and accept that the person in the end was who she REALLY was. That was the true her. That's been so hard. I wish she displayed some of the wild behaviour I so often read on here the others go through during our r/s so it would make this whole thing a bit easier.

I never heard from her again and I miss her and her kids every moment of every hour of everyday. NEVER will I find what I had with her again. Even if it was all fake, it doesn't matter... .  it was real for me.

[Suzn]

Dave you belong here. Behind every avitar you see here is a real person, one that wants you to stick it out with us, we've all been where you are in this pain.    This is akin to an addiction Dave, you are going through withdrawals right now. As strange as that may sound you are attached and detaching will happen, it does get better. I promise.

What are you doing for you right now aside from T? Have you considered a CoDA meeting perhaps? Face to face interaction with people who will understand how your feeling may be helpful in addition to T. You can ask your T what he/she suggests too. 

[Dave44]

Dave you belong here. Behind every avitar you see here is a real person, one that wants you to stick it out with us, we've all been where you are in this pain.    This is akin to an addiction Dave, you are going through withdrawals right now. As strange as that may sound you are attached and detaching will happen, it does get better. I promise.

What are you doing for you right now aside from T? Have you considered a CoDA meeting perhaps? Face to face interaction with people who will understand how your feeling may be helpful in addition to T. You can ask your T what he/she suggests too. 

Been regularly attending local CODA meetings.

What an I doing for me? Well, nothing really. The absolute last thing I can think about doing is anything enjoyable. I simply have no interest in doing anything.

I am addicted to her - no question. It was all just so easy, so "meant to be". It just worked. I would do absolutely anything to have her back and given the person she is and what she did that is seriously messed up. Or at he very least just for her to acknowledge me in some way, acknowledg my existence.

The depths of my lonlieness can not be put into words.

[Suzn]

The depths of my lonlieness can not be put into words.

I understand this completely. It's hard to put a feeling into words. I know this feeling. Sometimes we have to do things we don't want to do when we feel like this. I get it that nothing sounds enjoyable, making yourself simply take a walk will help. Playing video games can help too, it gives your mind a break from the constant ruminations. Focusing on anything similar gives you the same type of break.

Getting through the withdrawal period is the hardest part. Stick with us, you are getting there. 

[OTH]

I want her back so bad, SO bad. She lied to me about damn near everything, she brutally dumped me for no reason and left me homeless in a hotel without a care in the world, she was dishonest, callouse, cold, deceitful, untrustworthy and lacked any form of empathy, sympathy or remorse... .  and I want her back. What the heck does that say about me?

It says your ego and sense of self worth is tied to her. You need a better life preserver.  

Dave, it wasn't what you thought it was. It hurts. Hurts beyond anything. I was in an upswing. Sex every night. Passionate kisses and goodbyes at the airport. Looking into each others eyes and saying I love yous. Came back 4 days later from trying to do something with a property I own in another state she was complaining I needed to sell and our relationship was over. I know where you are at. I spent a day in the fetal position crying in bed. It is horrible. Life doesn't end though. Time dulls pain. Give it time. You'll make it through. You will get beyond this. Believe it.

[Maryiscontrary]

Yes, this a a sucky part of the cycle. It is temporary. That is true.

[P.F.Change]

When did you have your 'eureka' moment and realized that what you were doing wasnt working. Did YOU(?) realize that or did someone else point it out?

For me personally, it was a little bit of both. If I hadn't known I needed help, I would not have accepted it... .  I felt ashamed to need it. I let things get so bad that every day was a struggle not to give in to my suicidal ideations, and the nights too because I was either having nightmares or not sleeping at all. I knew I needed help... .  but at the time I was so young and my thinking so cloudy both from the depression and what I had been told by my BPDm that I couldn't bring myself to pick up a phone and say to someone "Things are bad, I need help." I do NOT recommend this, but what happened in my case was that I managed to hold off on my suicidal impulses until my friend came to visit. I was so tired of trying to fight it and pretty sure he would come to check on me, and he did catch me before I did anything. I didn't really want to die... .  but I couldn't go on in that pain. I thought I was supposed to pray my way better. I was afraid of what people would think of me if they knew. I felt powerless and exhausted. It was a cry for help when I didn't know a better way. My friend arranged for me to see a doc the next morning and drove me to the appointment. Honestly, I really should have gone to hospital, though.

Even once I got on meds, they took some adjusting before I got real relief. And it was not the last depressive episode I have had, but it was by far the worst. I learned from it... .  that it is ok to ask for help, that it doesn't mean I am bad or incompetent... .  I could call up my doc and say, "I'm depressed" as soon as I noticed, or "It's been two weeks and I'm still depressed." Most importantly though, I learned that I CAN make things better for myself, that those horrible feelings of misery and despair really don't have to last forever and that there is HELP. After I chose to seek T, I have learned to experience feeling real, and happy, and strong. When I was depressed I couldn't even imagine what that would be like. I couldn't even imagine a tomorrow.

I hear you saying you are at the end of your rope and you don't know how you will go on. I hope you can see that I do truly empathise. It sounds like you are in the depths of grief. It sounds overwhelming. But it does pass. It does get better. You may have to ask for help... .  you may have to keep calling your doc and adjusting meds until something works... .  you may have to speak up and tell your T how you feel about your sessions... .  it will be some work. But you are worth fighting for. You can go on, and you don't have to do it all on your own. You can survive this grief, and you can find a different happiness.

Will you keep putting one foot in front of the other? What will you do to look after you *today*? Is there someone you need to ask for help?

PF

[MammaMia]

Dave44

What does your situation say about you?  It says you are a loving, decent person who has been mortally wounded by someone he loves, and you feel betrayed.

You sound depressed, confused, and angry.  :)avid... .  you deserve better than that!   Do not define yourself by what your former BPDgf has done to you.  You have the RIGHT to be happy WITH or WITHOUT her.  If your therapist is not helping, find a new one.

In the meantime, please do not give up.  There is so much more to life than a failed relationship,

and NO relationship is perfect.

Remember, everything happens for a reason.  Somewhere down the road, you may understand

why this relationship ended and be thankful.  She has been very cruel... .  would you really want a lifetime of that?

Please take care of yourself.  

[Dave44]

"Constant ruminations"

This explains every second of every day for me. CONSTANTLY thinking about her, our time together, what she's doing at this time, and at that time (as I know her schedule from living together),who she's with, who's in her bed beside her. The list goes on and on and on. All day long, I can not escape from this.

I want her back so bad, SO bad. She lied to me about damn near everything, she brutally dumped me for no reason and left me homeless in a hotel without a care in the world, she was dishonest, callouse, cold, deceitful, untrustworthy and lacked any form of empathy, sympathy or remorse... .  and I want her back. What the heck does that say about me?

It says your ego and sense of self worth is tied to her. You need a better life preserver.  

You're 100% right. Without her and her kids I am nobody, nothing... .  NO ONE. Sad? You bet, but she was my everything. Everything that I had always hoped and longed for. Her and her kids gave me a sense of belonging, a sense of purpose that I had never felt before. Ever. My life was complete. It didn't matter what happened during the day because at the end of it, I was coming home to the unconditional "love" of her and her kids and that's all that was important in life.

By far the most painful thing for me is the thought of her with another man. Another man taking on the father role that I fulfilled so well, another man in her bed... .  it's crippling. Like she idealized me, I idealized her,  still do and would have until the day I died.  

[HarmKrakow]

You know when I ruminate the most?

1) When I get a trigger which reminds me of her.

A photo, seeing a girl with long hair, around 1.80m, seeing an attractive girl and the moment I see this girl first thing I think of is, so how is the ex doing? Everytime I see someone attractive I think, there is no way she can have a better character than my ex. When I'm in the tube, and i'm stuck for 20m to wait to arrive and I a girl which reminds me of her, I can't keep my mind of the ex. When I go to a cinema, a supermarket, buy the same food, or wear clothes she liked I get triggered. When i get on FB or linkedin or my mail I get triggered.

And every time I get triggered, I have a pain shooting through my head and body.

2) When you don't have anything to do, read the weekend, or when you force yourself to do something. Forcing isn't helping, why? Simple, because after 5 minutes you realize you did this because to 'force yourself to do something' and thus think about it again. And when you have 48h or more nothing to do. And you hit that 1 single moment where you start rumininating and start being emotional. You know what happens? Crying, unlimited crying, so much I went crazy, started puking. Started feeling having enough to the point where I was, anti-depressants, NOW!(!)

So my question is, are you capable of having an activity, which actually does keep your head of things?

And do you realize you made yourself co-dependent on her?

And are you on anti-depressants? I'm on seroxat for example now for a week.

[seeking balance]

Been in T and on meds since December. Changed the dosage and he meds but nothing. T has been helpful but it's gotten to the point where there isn't a whole lot left to say. Like I said I've heard it all and my rational mind can make sense of it all. Yet I still long for her so incredibly bad.

There are many, many different forms of meds, perhaps chat with your prescribing dr. about what/why he chose the one he did and perhaps other options.

Also, your T shouldn't have a lot to say, but should have a treatment plan.  Are you actively learning skills to change your thinking patterns?

The problem with my situation is that she was an angel right up until the end. I never really saw a "bad" side of her until the end. She treated me exceptionally well and provided absolutely everything I ever wanted in a relationship right up till the end when she coldly dumped me and left me out like the garbage. Becuase it played out like that its been tremendously difficult to wrap my head around and accept that the person in the end was who she REALLY was. That was the true her. That's been so hard. I wish she displayed some of the wild behaviour I so often read on here the others go through during our r/s so it would make this whole thing a bit easier.

I never heard from her again and I miss her and her kids every moment of every hour of everyday. NEVER will I find what I had with her again. Even if it was all fake, it doesn't matter... .  it was real for me.

I know this is very hard on you... .  you mention that she left you drastically.   Since you are on a BPD support site - what are some of the  diagnosis criteria she did display? 

[Forestaken]

Dave44:

How old are you?

I am 50, male. with 2 kids in college. Now alone. But prefer it over the abuse.  I lived on these boards for 8 years as my only support as she isolated me from everyone.  Now, I am reconnecting and discovering I am a likable and great person.

[Dave44]

"I know this is very hard on you... .  you mention that she left you drastically.   Since you are on a BPD support site - what are some of the  diagnosis criteria she did display?"

SB... .  

1. frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment.

She did display this mildly at the start of the relationship but not to the extremes I read about here on the boards. Her fear of it was clear and there though. However as time went on she made it clear that I was VERY disposable.

2. a pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation.

Absolutely. The relationship started of with a bang and the intensity was incredible. To say she idealized me would be an understatement. I was the best thing that had ever happened to her and she regularly told me everything under the sun regarding how amazing I was and how I was her soulmate etc etc. 45 days after dating for my birthday she got me a necklace with a pendant on it and on the back had her name, mine and her two kids engraved on it. She also told me very early on that in the past 10 years she hadn't had a relationship last longer than 3 months. Red flag I know but of course she told me story after story of all the "loser" men they were. Both her kids were from different dads and a recent abortion from a 3rd

3. identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self.

She had no idea who she was. Looking back now I realize she didn't have a single hobby or friend. I would love to ask her now, outside of being a mother... .  who are you? Of course I thought I met my other half as she liked everything I liked and lived exactly like me. Same TV shows etc etc. she mirrored me to an extreme. I actually remember telling people when they asked me how things were with us that I met the female version of me.

4. impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating).

She filed for bankruptcy 3 years ago as she was in debt over 72K yet had nothing to show for it... .  at all. She owned nothin at all, no house no car (leased it) nothing. She had terrible spending habits and could not handle even having a credit card.

8. inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights)

I did notice this on a couple of occasions. Nothing to crazy but the switch to extreme anger definitely caught me of guard.

Those are the connections I can make. I could elaborate with many crazy stories on each one but you get the picture. Of course I had no idea BPD even existed at the time.

[Dave44]

Well, as I lay here in this tiny single bed (got rid of my bed to move in with her) and get ready to fall asleep and look around at my room... .  my "dresser" is a suitcase, my laundry basket is another suitcase I have an overwhelming sense of loneliness. How was I fooled so much to the point of getting rid of everything I owned to move in with her and her kids only to have her dump me and leave me homeless 27 days later? More importantly, how could she do that and not have a shred or sympathy, remorse or even any emotion period? I am so lonely it's not even funny. I have never felt so empty inside in my whole entire life. Here's to another night where I go to sleep and dread getting up and doing it all over again tomorrow. What's the point.

[MammaMia]

Dave44

It sounds to me as if she took advantage of you and when she was done, she just walked away.  Typical BPD:  create chaos and pain and then just leave... .  it is all about them and always will be.  This is mental illness at its cruelest.

I am sorry she hurt you, but you must move on.  Do not spend your life wondering why she mistreated and abandoned you, because there will never be a reasonable explanation.  As you said, it is something she has done before, and she WILL do it again.  Do not allow yourself to be a perpetual victim of your own making.  Accept what she did, and recognize the relationship for what it was ... .  a learning experience.  Stop empowering her with the ability to ruin your life. 

You need to come to terms with your own emotions.  You cannot change her.  Get the help you need and go forward.  You can do it, and you will be healthier for it.

[seeking balance]

However as time went on she made it clear that I was VERY disposable.

45 days after dating for my birthday she got me a necklace with a pendant on it and on the back had her name, mine and her two kids engraved on it. She also told me very early on that in the past 10 years she hadn't had a relationship last longer than 3 months. Red flag I know but of course she told me story after story of all the "loser" men they were. Both her kids were from different dads and a recent abortion from a 3rd


She filed for bankruptcy 3 years ago as she was in debt over 72K yet had nothing to show for it... .  at all. She owned nothin at all, no house no car (leased it) nothing. She had terrible spending habits and could not handle even having a credit card.

Dave, this doesn't sound like "an angel until the very end" (your words earlier in the post) to me.

Feeling depressed is normal after an abusive relationship - it takes time for us to wrap our heads around how dysfunctional the relationship really was and that will be a source of depression.

What does your therapist have to say about how to heal the wounds from the devaluation this relationship has opened up?

[Forestaken]

Wasn't Lucifer an angel too?

[Dave44]

However as time went on she made it clear that I was VERY disposable.

45 days after dating for my birthday she got me a necklace with a pendant on it and on the back had her name, mine and her two kids engraved on it. She also told me very early on that in the past 10 years she hadn't had a relationship last longer than 3 months. Red flag I know but of course she told me story after story of all the "loser" men they were. Both her kids were from different dads and a recent abortion from a 3rd


She filed for bankruptcy 3 years ago as she was in debt over 72K yet had nothing to show for it... .  at all. She owned nothin at all, no house no car (leased it) nothing. She had terrible spending habits and could not handle even having a credit card.

Dave, this doesn't sound like "an angel until the very end" (your words earlier in the post) to me.

Feeling depressed is normal after an abusive relationship - it takes time for us to wrap our heads around how dysfunctional the relationship really was and that will be a source of depression.

What does your therapist have to say about how to heal the wounds from the devaluation this relationship has opened up?

I see what you mean but in all honesty she did treat me very well until the end. Sure there were a tone of red flags but she treated me to well it caused me to over look them. Plus, I was "so different" than any other guy she's met -- you know, the usual.

I miss the kids tremendously. Today the kids started spring break here and I had planned to book a week of holidays so the kids wouldn't be in day care all week and I could spend the week with them. I had so much planned.

I don't know what else to say. Really at a low point in my life right now and seriously questioning why I should go on. I have no purpose at all, no reason what so ever. No friends, no family... .  no one. For the first time in my life I was complete with her. Now, I'm just an empty shell of a human going through the motions day by day. All while she's carried on happily as if I never even existed to begin with.

[ScarletOlive]

Dave, aww wow it sounds like things are really tough for you right now. The good times sound nice, and the bad times sound so very horrible, my friend. Your pain is very raw and real right now. It really is okay to feel sad and to grieve. The feelings pass if we let them run their course. I know that right after, it's easier to polarize our view of the relationship. But it's alright and healthy to see the truth-there were good times and bad times. How do you want to proceed from here? How do you want to rebuild? Healing takes time, and sometimes having a plan for the future can help.