How to help a person refusing to help himself

[Chosen]

We've had this conversation many times before.  uBPDh is the biggest procrastinator, and he usually puts off till the last moment his work, doing useless stuff at work instead.  Then he gets scolded by boss or somebody and he hates himself.

Yesterday he came back and was happy because he worked hard, and he told me, "I get depressed if I don't work, and I'm the happiest when working." 

DUH?  You don't work and then you get depressed... .  and you still refuse the work?  But I suppose that's part of BPD.  I simply said to him, "That's great that working makes you happy.  Now you know that if you work hard then you won't be depressed!"  Of course he will procrastinate again... .  and then will get depressed.

So do I just let him be?  It's not like I can do anything about it, I can't force him to work!

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[laelle]

I think its really good that he is analyzing himself and what does make him happy.  Pointing out the obvious isnt really going to help much, but encouraging him just as you did might help his self esteem and other issues which could be affecting his work performance.

[Mischeevious]

We've had this conversation many times before. 

So do I just let him be?  It's not like I can do anything about it, I can't force him to work!

I feel your frustration my uBPDh is the same, they moan if they do, they moan if they don't! It seems so simplistic to us so why is it always like Groundhog Day? I guess all we can do is accept them for how they are and concentrate on making sure we're ok, you are right you can't make him do anything and trying to would be likely to cause more conflict. Sometimes I can smile, be calm and validating, sometimes I wanna scream n shake him n say just listen to yourself you know the answer but of course that would make it worse so I take the dog for a walk until I' m in control. Maybe the fact you keep having the same conversation is telling you it's not working so I guess it's up to you, maybe try a different approach?  A quote I like is "Give me the strength to change what I can, the courage to realise what I can't and the wisdom to know the difference" I find this helps me assess the best thing to do,

good luck, stay strong, be happy

[united for now]

empathy... .  

offer tons and tons of empathy, while staying out of offering any advice or suggestions.

Butterflies




It takes a lot of time and effort for a caterpillar to change into a beautiful butterfly. Scientist tried to intervene in the process, with tragic results. Nature is unforgiving and is designed so that only the strong survive.

Before a butterfly can emerge from it's cocoon, it has to first break a hole in the cocoon and wiggle it's way out of this small hole. This can take hours and hours. Once fully out, the butterfly hangs to not only dry off but to also regain it's strength.

To speed this process along, scientist experimented and cut a small incision in the cocoon, allowing the butterfly to emerge faster and with less effort. Sadly, few of these butterflies survived long, since it was the struggle to emerge that gave them the strength to evade predators.

When we step in and "do" for others what they can and should do for themselves we are contributing to keeping them weak. We are sending the message that they aren't capable of doing for themselves. That they need us to survive. This need of ours to save/rescue/fix/do for others is our side of the dysfunction.

[Rockylove]

My bf is a procrastinator as well, but I see the procrastination as a way to avoid doing something wrong.  It's a constant struggle for me to step back and let him progress at his own rate since I'm a doer.  I tend to jump in and get stuff done.  This has been a growing experience for me... .  I'm getting off the co-dependency wagon! 

You can't change him or his work ethics, but you can change what you do in response.  I love the butterfly analogy... .  and yes, as united said offer empathy and not advice.