failure with boundary

[sotiredtoonice]

So sunday before lost I stopped doing housework. (I work 2 jobs, H is currently working 10 hours a week)... .  here it is a week and a half later and hes done nothing. He asked last night if I was "trying to make a point with the dishes" (they are almost ALL dirty). I said, "something like that". So today he calls me all dysregulated and goes off because I texted him instead of calling him, GOD FORBID. Anyways, he brings up the housework and how hes going to "clean the house NEXT WEEK and see how long it takes me to dirty it back up". I am at my wits end here. Just thought I would rant. 

[Newton]

so what is your boundary that failed?... .  

[sotiredtoonice]

That he could clean the house, at least occasionally, the clean it next week comment translated means, "I will wait for you to do it this weekend, then I will once again be off the hook"

[Newton]

sotiredtoonice ... .  it must be very frustrating to have to work your two jobs AND keep the house clean (I guess you are cleaning his mess too).

A boundary is meant to protect us... .  not influence or change others... .  

It seems like using DEARMAN may be really helpful for you to try and effect the change you need... .  

Have you read the workshops on this?... .  We can help you refine what you need to say 

[sotiredtoonice]

No point in trying to even bother explaining it, H informed me today that when I speak its a waste of breath and words.

The last time I tried to discuss it with him, by the way this has been an ongoing problem for 8 years, I was informed that I dont want a husband, I want a maid, I want him to DO IT FOR ME.

[Newton]

I haven't read your previous posts but right now you sound frazzled!... .  

So you are not even getting help with simple chores?... .  

What are YOU getting from this relationship?... .  

[sotiredtoonice]

absolutely nothing, not one single solitary thing

[Newton]

Ok... .  understood... .  I've been there, done that... .  100 % given, zero back... .  I'm gonna take some time to look back through whats been going on if you don't mind... .  (I'm a fast reader  )

So lets put the household chores to one side for a minute, that is a manifestation of your general frustration huh?... .  

It sounds like you are getting close to breaking point... .  what would that mean?... .  What would be your ideal solution to all this (without your partner changing at all)... .  

[sotiredtoonice]

Ideal solution: He moves out, I live happily ever after 

Now that he has successfully ruined what was already a really CRAPPY day, now hes back to sending me funny emails, so I am sure that once I get home in a little bit he will just be a bundle of joy, meanwhile I will still be in the really bad mood. But that is just fine. The way I see it, he no longer exists. I am done. I am going to go home, clean the house, FINALLY, and live my life as if he werent even there. And when his last 3 packs of cigarettes are gone and he needs more, guess what? I will suddenly be out of money.

[Newton]

So you are basically supporting a child in an adults body... .  a person who is offering you cut and paste intermittent reinforcement via email to "make" you happy... .  and gloss over the crap of how he behaves

Do the housework for YOU... .  enjoy the cleanliness and try to leave the resentment that it wasn't your mess behind... .  

Not easy of course... .  but doable nonetheless... .  

Big deep breaths!... .  simple but effective

Long term his behaviour, and your understandable dissatisfaction sounds untenable... .  how are you going to change this so you can live the life you deserve?... .  

[sotiredtoonice]

I see no way of changing any of it, that is what really frustrates me to no end.

[slimmiller]

sotiredtoonice,

I have been there! It sucks! Sadly they are where they are with helping because we allow it. Not suggesting its your fault, its not. They erode our boundaries to the point they expect to be able to get away with murder so to speak.

As was suggested, dont clean for him. Do it for you   There is probably no way you can force him to do it and even if you could, would it really be worth the aggravation?

Mine has not done laundry, cooked or cleaned (unless some of her new-found friends are coming by) in years. Last week she did cook and it took me two hours just to clean the kitchen. Yes she is a real pig and I am not trying to be nasty.

Dont know if you have children. I have and I involve the kids, give them a few bucks and make it a fun time. We talk and play and make it a memory. Its a fun routine that they will remember. Yes there are plenty of other things a guy would rather do but I do it because right now it needs done and as I try and tell the kids, mommy dont help but we own it and will handle it.

Long term however there have to be boundaries but for me its kind of a day to day thing. Its maddenning but sometimes doing those chores help to avert our minds too.

His statement about 'you dirtying it up' clearly shows his complete lack of responsibility and or care

Take care of you, first

[gina louise]

 sotiredtoonice,

can you hire a cleaning service to come in once a month?

can you "bribe" your kids to help?

can you make him clean for cigarettes? ("will work for food" is next... .  )

if you can stay FIRM on that boundary-I will not give you cigarette money unless/until YOU clean the house

that's your limit and your action-in reaction to HIS choices.

he will go crazy, fight rant, but stick to it- maybe you have leverage there?

Can you hire a L? File for D?

get a sheriff to help you evict him and live your life happily ever after? if you are renting and your name is on the lease and his is not... .  you can evict him, I think. ugly but effective.

GL

[broken3]

slim and sotired,

Oh how I can relate. My ex was a stay at home mom for 16 years. The laundry was not done for days, and dishes would be piled up in the sink overflowing on the counter even though we had a dishwasher and at 5:00 every evening. It was "what do you want to do about dinner?".

I worked a full time job and ran a small business on the side and almost daily I would get an angry response when I did dishes or threw a load of laundry in.

She was angry because when I did those things. It made her feal devalued and useless. And I did that because i was trying to be controlling. At one point we went to a therapist who recommended that I ask my wife permission to do dishes or laundry because that is her domain. Needless to say I dumped that therapist real quick!

  Oh but she had plenty of time daily to buy shoes and pocketbooks and useless knick-nacks , go out to lunch daily,  be on facebook for hours, and talk with girlfriends for hours.

[slimmiller]

slim and sotired,

I worked a full time job and ran a small business on the side and almost daily I would get an angry response when I did dishes or threw a load of laundry in.

She was angry because when I did those things. It made her feal devalued and useless. And I did that because i was trying to be controlling. At one point we went to a therapist who recommended that I ask my wife permission to do dishes or laundry because that is her domain. Needless to say I dumped that therapist real quick!

 

I think therein lies the key to what we are dealing with when we deal with BPD. My exBPD spents hours devalueing and screaming at me because what I do as a parent 'makes her look bad'.   She chooses to do nothing for the kids I have never purposely made her look bad. Its just that when we do what 'normal' parent do, it glaringly reflects their inability to function normally so devalueing us helps them to even the playing field. Its maddening!