Wilson the vollyball. Castaway movie.

[waitaminute]

Someone today mentioned a movie to me. Castaway with Tom Hanks.

Remember "Wilson" the vollyball? Remember how distraught Tom was when his only "friend" Wilson was lost at sea? Wilson was whatever Tom projected onto it. But its loss was devastating.

I immediately thought about how desperately humans typically want that kind of closeness. And the trauma of losing it.

It helps to illustrate the pain of losing someone, even if they were an illusion.

[Want2know]

That scene was pretty amazing... .  I totally felt his pain.  And it was a volleyball! 

I think we all do that to a less elevated extent, for example with our pets.  I know my pets don't think or feel like I think they do, and I have an attachment towards them that if they die or leave, I know I will feel such deep pain.

[waitaminute]

Yes, I thought of the relevance to our BPD relationships especially in the context of mirroring  and how we unknowingly become attached to ... .  our own image. I thought it would help people look within and question what it was we really loved.

But a "senior member lounge"topic?... .  Ok. So be it.

[arabella]

Waitaminute - oh I see where you were going with this now! I also, from your second post, see how it fits into the "personal inventory" side of things. Huh. Really interesting actually. I've never considered things from this angle before, yet it makes a lot of sense.

So, the question is, since you started this topic - what is it that you think you really loved?

I'll be back to post my response to the question once I've had a chance to think about it a bit. Hmm... .  

[waitaminute]

I have cause to wonder what I loved. There was a real person there with hopes and dreams and a fun and free spirit. But there are millions of people like that.

What captured me? Someone who needed me maybe. Someone to share my music and simple poetry. Someone whose dreams mirrored my own...  I thought.I

But I did not hunt the world over for this woman. In fact, I was married and was not looking at all. But I was lonely because my wife was busy and also stated that she no longer needed me. I crashed and the BPD that I met on a "new age" forum was my Wilson.

[arabella]

It's a bit weird for me because, sort of like a pwBPD, I do not necessarily have a strong sense of 'self' when it comes to many things. So I don't know that I'm looking for someone to mirror me so much as I was looking for someone with a similar base and with interests that I wanted to develop in myself (so that I could do a little mirroring of my own). So what did/do I love? Perhaps I love the fact of being mirrored - it means I'm being accepted. I think that's the main thing for me.

But I was lonely because my wife was busy and also stated that she no longer needed me. I crashed and the BPD that I met on a "new age" forum was my Wilson.

In your case, well, affairs are tricky things even without a pwBPD involved. I mean, someone new is always going to be more interesting than the old partner, just in terms of the novelty factor alone. You sound like you might have a few codependent traits lurking in there too (i.e. the "crash and burn" from not being "needed"? Add in some mirroring... .  recipe for disaster.

[Want2know]

Ok, I thought this was about a volley ball.  Silly me. 

Hey, I had an affair, too, due to a similar reason.  Yes, it was with my pwBPD, and then I divorced my husband of 12 years, but not because of him.  I wasn't even with him in that timeframe when I knew my husband and I were done.  But, I then started a relationship with the pwBPD that lasted 4 years. 

Back to the volley ball.  What do you think would have happened had he got Wilson back and then was rescued?  Would he have then had a moment of realization that he would have to let go of Wilson as he was now returning to reality?

[waitaminute]

Rescued? What to do with Wilson?

Well before reading the posts of people who sustained a 10 or 25 year rs with a BPD, I would have said that a normal person would have come along and in comparison, the normal person would have attracted him away from Wilson. I guess this is the difference between Wilson and a the mirroring, rageing, push-pulling BPD. He would have put Wilson on a shelf as a memento of his experience. But the dynamic of the BPD seems to attract us.

Mirroring by itself would get as old as a marooned vollyball after awhile. So the intensity of the albeit dysfunctional rs must be an attraction in its own right. I believe it is true for me at least. Give me a purpose and a place to hope and I will move my world. Ok... .  A modified quote from Archimedes. But for me, a sense of purpose is like sex for my soul.

My BPDex needed rescued. "She would achieve her own purpose, by my side, and free from the abuses of the past if only I can save her from herself. " I think that was the internal voice within me that made me keep trying.

Hmmmmm.

[Want2know]

He would have put Wilson on a shelf as a memento of his experience.

Ah, that is interesting.  In my 'story book ending', he would have had to let Wilson go, not placing him on a shelf.  Staring at Wilson every day on my 'shelf' would not be fully detaching.  That is the key.  It doesn't mean you won't have the experience in your mind, but to keep it as a daily visual reminder can deter you from moving on. 

[waitaminute]

Very astute

It is good advice too.