Divorced now, and feeling worse.

[Omniverse]

I'm not quite sure how to transfer my thoughts onto paper (or in this case, the forum), as I have been a bundle of emotions, ever since I got divorced from my upBPD exwife.

Given the volatile nature of my 2 year marriage, and more-so the craziness displayed during the subsequent 3 month separation period, I was expecting additional drama during the divorce proceedings. But it turned out to be a completely placid affair - she turned up in court, and I believe she was 'normal' at that point. She didn't put up any resistance, and appeared to be child-like.

After the divorce was granted, she had tears in her eyes. I had to withhold mine, as any emotions that conveyed I missed her or love her, would have gotten her to jump on me and turn the tables. A couple of hours before the court proceedings, we did have a one on one chat, and she inquired if I still wanted the divorce. I replied in the positive. What was strange was, I know she is currently dating someone (but she doesn't know that I know what she is up to), yet she asked leading questions to either put the 'divorce guilt' onto me, or to get me to accept her back - without 'directly' apologizing for her past behaviours or at the very least telling me she missed me, etc.

I know my reasons for the divorce are correct, but given that in the end she didn't put up a fight - I just feel completely terrible. Even though I am now legally single, the good memories we shared flood my very existence and am reduced to a pile of slush. I have tried to change my routine, shop at a different grocery store, repainted the house - but in every small thing I see her 'ghost'.

A part of me knows she has now reverted to her child-like self, instead of the domineering hell vixen and is very very vulnerable at the moment. I also know the people she has surrounded herself with, only want to bed her or are trying to make use of her. There are moments that I just pray she finds herself and is truly happy, instead of relying on the highs of idealization when she gets into a new relationship and confusing that with true love/happiness.

I feel like reaching out to her - but am not sure if it will achieve anything.

[expos]

You and I are exactly in the same place.   

I am bit surprised at the emotions of your wife at the actual proceedings.  Mine was calm, yet cold and heartless, I was merely a stranger to her, not the person she spent the last half decade with. 

This is natural for you to feel a lot of remorse, even though it was her who continued to destroy your relationship.  From what I've read about this disease/illness, it is very common for them to discard and move on very quickly.  This says nothing about you, it's how these people operate.   Your ex attaches quickly because she has NOTHING to offer to herself for validation.  It is constant need for acceptance that drives a BPD.  Without someone, they are nothing.

You have real, honest emotions and what you are feeling is normal for a person that does not suffer from a mental illness. 

I'm not sure how long you will mourn, but I think both of us will find something on horizon and that lifts us out of this terrible lull.  It might be meeting a new group of friends, moving, getting a new job, or finding some girl that has a real, honest interest in you rather than seeing you as a vehicle.

She may be this beautiful, child-like woman right now, but she will be a domineering hell vixen in a matter of time.  Always remember that there is no cure for her illness.

Do not reach out to her... .  create some space and repair yourself.  Interactions with BPD's post break up are unpredictable, sometimes ugly situations.  Your ex will not have enough emotional maturity to talk sensibly to you at this time. 

Good luck and hang in there! 

[Surnia]

Omniverse

I had more or less the same situation. The moment of the divorce, my  H who was before so nasty/angry/insulting/controlling, turned to his really kind self and thanked me for all I have done for him with tears in his eyes.

I cannot write this down without having tears myself.  :'(

Since than we have a loose exchange. He has sometimes questions about administrative things, I ask him about his job search.

Sometimes I am little confused about it. I know like you I did the right thing. With the distance of the divorce, he can feel kindness toward me. If we would come together again, he would become angry/controlling/blaming again. This is part of his problems with close rs.

It is important not to rewrite our own perception with "should I have done it differently" kind of stuff.

Damn yes, it hurts. 

[dharmagems]

I'm also in the same place as all of you.  I've gotten my final divorce decree last week and I was not panicked as I thought I would be.  I have spent the last 2 months in my husbands apartment going over the formalities and paperwork of the divorce process itself.  I also had to do my taxes and make sure about securing my health insurance.  During this time he was very helpful, making to do lists and helping me see a budget for my new lifestyle.  It was so helpful for me that he was very logical about this process.  I also kept my sentiments about the end of this 3 year marriage to myself which helped tremendously.  There were some bumps, I saw a few of his typical reactions but I tried my very best not to react to him at all, and not personalize it like I used to. 

So, these next months, I know it's going to be very difficult making a new life again, in every aspect.  I have to really guard and protect my strong emotions, just for as long as it will take.  I know I also have to be very kind to myself and give myself the time and space to appreciate life.  There will be a lot of downs and some breakthroughs, but I have to be very good to myself. 

See, you're not alone.  I know it's difficult, but sometimes it takes going slower to move along.


dharmagems