Overwhelmed and fearful

[mango_flower]

I feel like I can't do this... .  

I can't deal with the practicalities.

I know I need to get out of this rented house we shared together.  I'm drowning in bills, I am in debt.  I can't afford to live here on my own.  We took the contract out together, 50/50.  She just left me with everything.

I have a whole house full of stuff we spent money on, sofas, fridge, washing machine, bookshelves... .  big stuff.

I need to move back into a shared house, a fresh start.  There are too many memories here.

We were so excited when we got this place - our own garden, a spare room for the future when we had our baby that we'd talked about... .  we even called it "X's room" when we referred to it.

I remember going to buy all of this stuff, less than a year ago... .  all the hopes and dreams we had.  I used to HATE what I called "boring" house shopping... .  but this was different, it was our place. I actually got excited about looking round the sofa store!   The laughs we had trying to get things up the stairs, having to hire a van and me being terrified of driving it, whilst she reassured me... .  

Spending hours online looking for nick-nacks, little things to make the place homely and "ours". 

And now it's all just stuff.  It hurts even to look at it - everything has a memory attached from us choosing it together, waiting in for the delivery man etc... .  

I need to get out of here.

But I'm so overwhelmed and frightened... .  

What do I do with all the big stuff?  I won't be taking it when I go into a shared house... .  

I need to sell it... .  don't know where to start... .  can't work out the logistics of it all, what if I can't get rid of it?  I don't even know how to take the sofas apart to get them down the stairs... .  

It all feels frightening and confusing and I'm just in tears right now looking round at everything thinking "I can't do this!".

She was the organiser - I'm a very anxious person and she calmed me down, planned it all, sorted stuff... .  and I just helped.

I just don't know what to do - the whole task seems overwhelming and I'm panicking... .  

This is such a stupid post I know... .  I feel like a stupid little child and I'm completely lost. 

I have friends who will help me move into my new place when I find it... .  but it's the practicalities and organization that is terrifying me. 

I hate that she just cut and ran, leaving me to deal with all this.  It's not fair, she KNOWS I can't do this stuff... .  it's just so selfish.

I just want this all to be over.

[Newton]

mango... .  (number 2  )... .  I know that feeling... .  I was left high and dry too, surrounded by her things/our things, loads of debt... .  

Downscaling was my only choice... .  there will be a time when you look back on this and think "my word... .  they were tough times... .  but I got through them"... .  you will feel STRONGER from the experience... .  

Its great to hear you have friends to help with the move... .  do you have a particularly practical friend who is good at organising?... .  

Internet trading is so easy now... .  Is there someone who can help you with this?... .  There is no need to carry this burden all on your own 

[mango_flower]

Thanks Newton - yes I have one or two more organized friends - I am known as the scatterbrained one 

I think I will sit down and write a step by step list of what I need to do in what order:

1. Inform landlady of my decision to move out

2. Find a new place with a set start date

3. Write up what stuff I will be getting rid of/selling/taking with me

etc etc.

I KNOW in my heart this it the right thing - I just don't feel I have the energy to sort it all now... .  just want to bury my head in the sand and hope I wake up one morning and it's all a bad dream... .  that'd be nice, eh! x

[HarmKrakow]

I feel like I can't do this... .  

I can't deal with the practicalities.

I know I need to get out of this rented house we shared together.  I'm drowning in bills, I am in debt.  I can't afford to live here on my own.  We took the contract out together, 50/50.  She just left me with everything.

I have a whole house full of stuff we spent money on, sofas, fridge, washing machine, bookshelves... .  big stuff.

I need to move back into a shared house, a fresh start.  There are too many memories here.

We were so excited when we got this place - our own garden, a spare room for the future when we had our baby that we'd talked about... .  we even called it "X's room" when we referred to it.

I remember going to buy all of this stuff, less than a year ago... .  all the hopes and dreams we had.  I used to HATE what I called "boring" house shopping... .  but this was different, it was our place. I actually got excited about looking round the sofa store!   The laughs we had trying to get things up the stairs, having to hire a van and me being terrified of driving it, whilst she reassured me... .  

Spending hours online looking for nick-nacks, little things to make the place homely and "ours". 

And now it's all just stuff.  It hurts even to look at it - everything has a memory attached from us choosing it together, waiting in for the delivery man etc... .  

I need to get out of here.

But I'm so overwhelmed and frightened... .  

What do I do with all the big stuff?  I won't be taking it when I go into a shared house... .  

I need to sell it... .  don't know where to start... .  can't work out the logistics of it all, what if I can't get rid of it?  I don't even know how to take the sofas apart to get them down the stairs... .  

It all feels frightening and confusing and I'm just in tears right now looking round at everything thinking "I can't do this!".

She was the organiser - I'm a very anxious person and she calmed me down, planned it all, sorted stuff... .  and I just helped.

I just don't know what to do - the whole task seems overwhelming and I'm panicking... .  

This is such a stupid post I know... .  I feel like a stupid little child and I'm completely lost. 

I have friends who will help me move into my new place when I find it... .  but it's the practicalities and organization that is terrifying me. 

I hate that she just cut and ran, leaving me to deal with all this.  It's not fair, she KNOWS I can't do this stuff... .  it's just so selfish.

I just want this all to be over.

You seem to go from highs, to lows, to highs, to lows. Hyperactive, brain functioning at 200%, it are signs of slight depression and anxiety. I've read something in regards of possibilities of a shrink? Maybe even meds? Cuz my idea would be go on anti-depressants which will smooth out these 'highs' and 'lows'. Cuz I also read posts from you with positive sounds, but the moment you bump into a trigger, a big one, thats for sure, pain happens, loads of pain.

Your place, as mine, is a huge ___ing trigger. In order for us to detach we have to

1) NC ... get rid of the feeling of that we can play superman (and save them) ... we need saving atm

2) Replace the triggers, get rid of the triggers, do something with the triggers.

[Leaf]

Hi Mango Flower, That's a lot to take on when you're still recovering from your relationship. Is there any possibility to give yourself more time by getting one or two roommates and making the house more your own by changing things around a bit?

I decorated my apartment with my ex (don't those BPD people love making new homes, they should all be interior decorators) and we always were here together, but I changed some little things and by now the house feels completely mine. I mean maybe the house won't be a trigger anymore if you give it time.

[Surnia]

Hi mango

Its hard to feel overwhelmed with such things about stuff. 

I am convinced you can do it. Not in one day, not alone, you will find ways to a new home. Lists are good. Lists of possibilities, lists of things you would like to change, sell.

Activities like this are very helpful to detach. They can also be a danger when we have too high expectations like "I should do it immediately and finished in a week". Be nice with your self. Step by step.

[Slowlybutsurely]

Jeez, MF, your ex sucks!  What a rotten thing to do, to leave you with all that crap to deal with. I would be so angry!

I don't know if you are in the US, but if so, Craigslist is your friend! You can post stuff and people will come and take it themselves, if the price is right. Make the price right, and you'll be done sooner than later.

You have to keep in mind that someone with integrity doesn't do what your ex did, and just leave you high and dry. Her new love of the moment has a gf who has no integrity. That doesn't change overnight. I know you are sad and overwhelmed, but you are ultimately the fortunate one here. You aren't your ex, and you aren't getting married to her, thank God. You'll come out of this stronger and better, ultimately.

[mango_flower]

Slowlybutsurely - she signed the contract for another 6 months with me, I thought everything was fine - a week later she dumped me - 4 weeks later she was gone.   Yes, no accountability at all.  She also left her pet here for weeks and expected me to feed it, clean out the cage etc... .  she didn't even ask - just assumed. 

I know her new gf has a flaky new partner... .  but I still feel that if her new gf (fiancee actually!) behaves and always bowls her over with romantic gestures, then she will not suffer the same fate as I did... .  that stings.

I'm not in the USA unfortunately - but I have started thinking of places of where to advertise my stuff.

Some of the girls I play my sport with said they will help me all I need, bless them

Thank you Surnia - yes, it will be a good step forward for me.  And thank you for the faith you have in me - yes I will do this, because I have to... .  it's just going to be really tough, and stressful!  It's kind of the last thing I need at the moment... .  

Thanks Leaf - yes - she loved to decorate our home... .  I have moved a few things around now but even when I so much as LOOK at the sofa, for example, I feel overwhelming sadness remembering the day we were so excited to go sofa shopping... .  and we were so proud we had saved up for a sofa, and posted pics on our facebook etc... .  

I can't sublet unfortunately.  And I kind of want a fresh start.  I need to just breathe and remember, it will all get sorted eventually.

Harm - I have a counselling assessment next week through work.  We shall see if they recommend I see a doctor too - I don't know!  I agree with you though, lots of highs and lows, it sucks.  It feels safe on this board though - like I'm not alone.  That definitely helps

[Newton]

mango... .  I understand if the place has too many memories and you need to move to heal... .  

If you can get past the pain... .  you may be able to re-negotiate your tenancy to allow you to sublet?... .  

Times are hard... .  even for landlords... .  being honest with them may give you some time and you don't need to move?... .  just a thought... .  

[mango_flower]

mango... .  I understand if the place has too many memories and you need to move to heal... .  

If you can get past the pain... .  you may be able to re-negotiate your tenancy to allow you to sublet?... .  

Times are hard... .  even for landlords... .  being honest with them may give you some time and you don't need to move?... .  just a thought... .  

Thanks Newton   I have considered it.  Every time I look out of the window though, I remember being excited to see her drive up at hometime from work, and when I look into the back garden, I think of all the conversations we had about having friends over in the summer for bbqs... .  I just don't want to do those things without her.  It's time to move on. x

[mango_flower]

Also, when she was first in her new relationship, she was having a bit of a breakdown... .  I often hoped, back then, that she'd come to her senses and come back to me (this is before I knew about the possibility of BPD, and I thought maybe she was having a breakdown and would wake up one morning and think "what am I doing? I need to be home with my girl".

But it didn't happen.  She is feeling happier now, and is now engaged.

I have to accept she isn't coming back.

And I need to start afresh.

[Newton]

Understood ... .  so it sounds like you have friends who can help on a practical level... .  and friends here to support you 

[mango_flower]

Exactly.

I guess life isn't all bad 

[clairedair]

Hi Mango_Flower

It's understandable that you are finding this hard. You are facing the loss of the dream of a life together and the hurt and anger of knowing that she will not help take responsibility by either financially compensating you nor arranging to remove/sell some items.  It sounds overwhelming.  

Is it worth exploring legal options to recover some money or would that just cause more problems?  I made several choices to put my mental wellbeing before my financial wellbeing.  I am annoyed with myself that I let so many things go but I know that it was the best decision for me at the time.

If you are in the UK, gumtree is a really good way to sell stuff - could a friend act as the contact to deal with buyers?  For the sofa, you might have to stipulate that the buyer takes responsibility for actually collecting and removing it (might need to accept a lower offer but it would mean it was gone).

Could you start small and sell some stuff at a car boot sale?  Though only do this if your head is not completely fuzzy - I managed to sell a friend's favourite dress that she lent me  

By the way - try not to beat yourself up about not treating her to lots of flowers and other romantic gestures.  It would have made NO difference to the outcome and you'd be even more in debt!

clairedair

[mango_flower]

Hi Mango_Flower

It's understandable that you are finding this hard. You are facing the loss of the dream of a life together and the hurt and anger of knowing that she will not help take responsibility by either financially compensating you nor arranging to remove/sell some items.  It sounds overwhelming.  

Is it worth exploring legal options to recover some money or would that just cause more problems?  I made several choices to put my mental wellbeing before my financial wellbeing.  I am annoyed with myself that I let so many things go but I know that it was the best decision for me at the time.

If you are in the UK, gumtree is a really good way to sell stuff - could a friend act as the contact to deal with buyers?  For the sofa, you might have to stipulate that the buyer takes responsibility for actually collecting and removing it (might need to accept a lower offer but it would mean it was gone).

Could you start small and sell some stuff at a car boot sale?  Though only do this if your head is not completely fuzzy - I managed to sell a friend's favourite dress that she lent me  

By the way - try not to beat yourself up about not treating her to lots of flowers and other romantic gestures.  It would have made NO difference to the outcome and you'd be even more in debt!

clairedair

Thanks Clairdair - sometimes it's just really nice to have it reiterated that whatever I'd done, it wouldn't have been enough

I have looked into gumtree, also facebay... .  (except my ex will see what I post I am sure, and I am not going to mention I am moving).  Maybe I can get a friend who she doesn't know to post for me.  We'll see. 

Yes, I will need to ensure that buyers can collect... .  

And I am not going to go down the legal route - she has no money anyway, so no point... .  and it would just cause stress which I can't be doing with at the mo!  I agree - mental peace of mind is more important... .  

P.S That made me giggle about your friend's dress  x

[Newton]

clairedair I digress for this post... .  I am in the UK and was explaining the concept of a "car boot" sale to an American friend... .  she had assumed (naturally)... .  I was selling boots... .  from my car    

[clairedair]

Hi Newton

a funny digression!  We had several Americans at uni and I remember being shocked by a comment that one of our guy friends had been wearing red suspenders - American friend meant red braces.  Still makes me giggle.

Mango-Flower

mental wellbeing is more important than financial - just be careful of making major decisions about money when your head is in a mess.  Easier said than done I know... .  

[apple]

Hey Mango, I was in the same situation last year having to sell off furniture " combining households again" when I was re-cycled and I was able to move everything using craigslist without much trouble