Contact Attempt -- I think...

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Well after a month I think I just got my contact attempt at 9am. I was sleeping my phone rang and I looked over and it's her sisters phone calling. I didn't answer because her sister never calls me, especially at 9am, and if her sister does contact it's via text. A voicemail was left, then 10 seconds later I get called back again, then again. That is the pattern of my ex and her mother. But her mother is a raging drunk and is rarely up before 11 .

So I listen to the voicemail, and it wasn't a message, I just hear my ex talking for like 3 seconds to her sister then the voicemail ended.

While I'm tempted to call back, just to see whats up and get my own validation, I know it's for the best to probably not. My guess is she's coming off a tweaker binge and is being flooded with emotions. I don't think I want to get sucked into the sirens trap because she knows exactly how to guilt me into doing things.

Or maybe a little tiny bit of guilt / missing is starting to set in. I mean she did go from living the good life to living in section 8 housing with her dysfunctional family. But that's just my rational mind trying to piece together an irrational persons motives which is probably a moot point.

[rockhardabsman]

Well after a month I think I just got my contact attempt at 9am. I was sleeping my phone rang and I looked over and it's her sisters phone calling. I didn't answer because her sister never calls me, especially at 9am, and if her sister does contact it's via text. A voicemail was left, then 10 seconds later I get called back again, then again. That is the pattern of my ex and her mother. But her mother is a raging drunk and is rarely up before 11 .

So I listen to the voicemail, and it wasn't a message, I just hear my ex talking for like 3 seconds to her sister then the voicemail ended.

While I'm tempted to call back, just to see whats up and get my own validation, I know it's for the best to probably not. My guess is she's coming off a tweaker binge and is being flooded with emotions. I don't think I want to get sucked into the sirens trap because she knows exactly how to guilt me into doing things.

Or maybe a little tiny bit of guilt / missing is starting to set in. I mean she did go from living the good life to living in section 8 housing with her dysfunctional family. But that's just my rational mind trying to piece together an irrational persons motives which is probably a moot point.

[Newton]

There is little to doubt about whether it was an attempt at contact... .  it was... .  you don't sit on your phone accidentally... .  and repeatedly 

It's only been a month... .  FOG can take a lot longer than that to fade... .  

Whats your plan?... .  call back or not?... .  

[rockhardabsman]

There is little to doubt about whether it was an attempt at contact... .  it was... .  you don't sit on your phone accidentally... .  and repeatedly 

It's only been a month... .  FOG can take a lot longer than that to fade... .  

Whats your plan?... .  call back or not?... .  

I think I'm just going to wait until I know her sister is out and text and see whats up, I'm sure her sister will give me an answer. Most of her family despite how dysfunctional they are have always taken my side on everything because they know how screwed up she is. A couple weeks ago her sister told me she knows my ex still loves me because she is completely unhappy with her life now, and knows she was very very wrong for the way she treated me but is too stubborn to do anything about it. And she was hoping I would come over and take her out of the house before she slips back into her addictions even further. I told her it wasn't my problem and I couldn't change her unless she wanted help. I gave her the rules in which I would even consider having a relationship with her sister again... .  They might have finally been communicated. I dunno.

As time is passing I'm feeling less and less compelled to try again with her. My boundaries have been pretty firm. Especially when I found out she was diagnosed BPD, BP1 with Generalize Anxiety. Any argument would lead to me walking out of the room, or going for a walk, and physical violence always led me to kicking her out of the house immediately.

However I don't want her to get the impression that I can kick her out of the house and let her back after a month like I used to do. So I don't know how to go about that. There is also the matter of flirting on facebook / phone with other men, I don't know how I set a boundary around that.

[Newton]

Well it may be a hard truth to face... .  but unless she gets significant help... .  develops better impulse control, and realises how much she has to lose as this fb behaviour upsets you and contradicts your values... .  a workable boundary might look like "I am not willing to be with someone who has emotional affairs"... .  

I appreciate that has big implications for a potential relationship with her... .  

Its important you draw a line in the sand somewhere, taking into account her volatility!... .  

[rockhardabsman]

"My sister says happy st paddies day and she wants you to come over and get your harley or something and she also says hello"

I don't know how to interpret that. I'm skeptical that is the sole motivation behind it, wanting me to come get my motorcycle.

[rockhardabsman]

ahhhhh she tried calling again... .  now I'm having anxiety. This is lame.

[Newton]

So this is a little bit more than about a motorbike huh?... .  

Give yourself some space... .  and breathe... .  she isn't going anywhere... .  obviously... .  

What boundaries do you need to put in place if you decide to re-engage?... .  

[rockhardabsman]

So this is a little bit more than about a motorbike huh?... .  

Give yourself some space... .  and breathe... .  she isn't going anywhere... .  obviously... .  

What boundaries do you need to put in place if you decide to re-engage?... .  

Yea I seriously doubt this is about the bike, after all the phone calls she made yesterday she would have left a voice mail.

I have been giving myself space for the past month, I haven't engaged her at all.

Should I re-engage I think the boundaries I need to set are, absolutely no negativity talk, no allowing her to move back in, and I have no desire to share any information about my personal life, nor do I want to here about the myriads of men she's been with the past month. I'm not going to do any favors, after all she told me before there are plenty of other "men" who would gladly treat her better than me... .  YEAH RIGHT... .  if she finds a man that will pay her 5-6k monthly spending habit, good luck to him! I'm enjoying my fatter bank account. I will do nothing. If she says she realizes she screwed up, I will agree and maybe just throw out there she should think about seeing a therapist, without mentioning the BPD label.

[rockhardabsman]

and also remind her that despite the fact i do still love her and care for her, its not my responsibility to fix her problems nor make her a happy person. And that until she displays significant improvement and is in therapy i think its best we stay in NC

[rockhardabsman]

Well no voice mails ever left. And no callbacks since that Saturday. And now curiosity is burning inside of me about what she really wanted... .  

[rockhardabsman]

So what should I interpreted this as. I mean I know she's got a ton of guys pining after her and professing their love and she's reciprocating.

And what should I reasonably expect from this, another contact attempt soon since I blew this one off?

[Newton]

Attempting to work out her true intentions behind the calls will frustrate and exhaust you... .  it's already creating anxiety... .  I remember that conflict between desparately hoping my ex would call... .  and yet fearing her calls!

rock... .  it's important to focus on what you want and feel you deserve from a relationship... .  

Do you think this person can provide it?... .  

Does her behaviour (ie/the other guys) fit in with your values as an individual, your boundaries of fidelity?... .