a new all time low...

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I have been working hard to get along and use the right skills and actually had success. But I just blew iit big time. I am in a tremendous amount of  pain,  taking lortab7.5 and possibly may need to go to the ER again. Hubby came  in and is leaving to stay with my uncle overnight. I asked him not to take my car as I might ned to DRIVE myself to the ER if I got worse since hhe is  spending the night away from home. When he started throwing accusations and insults I told him no, those were his problems not mine. Then e said he was going to leave for good and I said not with my car you arent. of course I am not dressed so he took off with it anyway. I also told him I was making efforts to rectify MY part in our problems... He keeps saying the marriage is over. I guess I need to fave the facts... .  duh... I am just shaking all over.

[crazylife]

I have been working hard to get along and use the right skills and actually had success. But I just blew iit big time. I am in a tremendous amount of  pain,  taking lortab7.5 and possibly may need to go to the ER again. Hubby came  in and is leaving to stay with my uncle overnight. I asked him not to take my car as I might ned to DRIVE myself to the ER if I got worse since hhe is  spending the night away from home. When he started throwing accusations and insults I told him no, those were his problems not mine. Then e said he was going to leave for good and I said not with my car you arent. of course I am not dressed so he took off with it anyway. I also told him I was making efforts to rectify MY part in our problems... He keeps saying the marriage is over. I guess I need to fave the facts... .  duh... I am just shaking all over.

[daze]

You've made a lot of progress in how you relate with him over the last week or so.  Don't be too hard on yourself.  You are doing the best you can with the pain you are experiencing.  I don't know what your physical problem is but being upset can only make it worse.  Please try to rest if you can.  If you need to go to the ER, do you have another way to get there?

[crazylife]

I was so hopeful that maybe I had turned  the corner by using SET and DBT but the realty is I am going to have to always carry the relationship. When I am sick or exhausted I cannot always keep from reacting, as much as I would like to. However while he was spewing his vile bull~ I did manage not to say some very hurtful things back. Inside I just want to hurt him as bad as he hurts me.  I wont do it, but the fact I now even think of that kind of thing tells of the effect this has had on me.

[daze]

Inside I just want to hurt him as bad as he hurts me.  I wont do it, but the fact I now even think of that kind of thing tells of the effect this has had on me.

I think most of us have all been there.  It's understandable how it can happen, how it becomes too much, particularly when we are sick or have other challenges.  Please don't beat yourself up too much.  The way I felt and behaved at times and the way it went against my values are what led me to therapy.  It was for me, not for him.  And you have been with your h much longer than I have been with my h.

Try to use this time that he is away to comfort and sooth yourself.  It's hard when you're sick but try to take good care of yourself.     

[crazylife]

Well guess who showed up around 7:30. Apparently he called twice and I did not answer.It wasnt intentional. I got out of bed and came to the kitchen. I didnt expect it to ring so didnt bring it with me. He asked if I was unintentionally not answering and I told him No.(and was thinking that is more up your alley) then turned around and said he was not spending the night at my uncles and would be home this evening then left.

[crazylife]

Thanks for the support Daze. I have been taking it easy... ... I am tired of feeling bad. Not a good patient although this abscess and cellullitis is serious and horribly painful.I think the pain pills some  how are affecting my ability to hold my tongue. I think him leaving me stranded with no vehicle and his track record of not answering his phone had me frightened. Some times its hard to guess what will trigger him. Sickness and hospitals seem to, thats for sure.

[daze]

Who knew?  Sounds like he was checking on you.  My h did something unexpected this evening too.  I hope you sleep well tonight and start feeling better soon.

[Surnia]

So sorry to hear about your health problems with so much pain! 

Yes, health problems are often a trigger for SO. You are not alone with it.

I agree with others, dont beat yourself.

And get well soon!

[an0ught]

Hi crazylife,

the way he behaved is of course unacceptable but that is nothing new to you. That's why you want a change and so let's look at the change

  - you expressed your needs clearly. You took a stand. That does not mean you are able to control his behavior (driving off) but you did what you could reasonably do.

  - looks like he called you so the message that you are needing support did not fall on deaf ears even if he did not acknowledge it.

Developing skills does not mean the conflicts go away. They do come to the surface more which makes it easier to handle them. Still painful and not all successful. Particularly not in the first rounds. Having to deal with other pains at the same time makes it double hard for you   .

Hang in there,

a0

[crazylife]

Thanks for all the support. I am feeling better and should be safe to just see the surgeon in the morning. I also can be off the pain pills which should help me to handle problems better.

He very well may have been checking up on me. He does that daily. Used to sneak up and eavesdrop on  phone conversations,and also placed  cameras in the house without disclosing... .  I now have 3 dogs, 2 that bark  like crazy. He doesnt sneak  up on me anymore. My lab also has a taste for cameras, who would have known... .

The thing is he didnt want to spend the night anyhow but will not tell my aunt No or anyone NO in my family.  They all use and abuse him by getting him to do things for them for free. ( mostly business stuff) ( I do lots of things, but on my terms and not being taken advantage of.) This time however I think we will be able to address this. I will with my father any way. He has replaced his lack of family... .  no parents, no siblings or grandparents left, with my family. Big, all type A entrapraneurs, successful and demanding. He cannot set boundries so he is not happy and they think he is a saint( and  secretly not too bright) for doing all this work etc for nothing... Also says I am mean to my family for not being a slave to them.

Happy St. Patricks Day all.