Finding self esteem

[dharmagems]

I have been LC from by exBPDh for 1 month.  He is officially my ex-husband since 1 week ago.  This week, I was quietly relieved to get the final divorce decree. 

We had to FaceTime him because of details of our taxes and details of my continuation of my health insurance.  He was clean cut, articulate, and smiling, and like nothing happened between us.  No remorse or sadness.  He never really showed any sad emotion when we were together, mostly happy and then sometimes raging.  And after a rage event, it's as if nothing happened.  In this conversation, he was his smiling, helpful, self-the guy I was leaning on emotionally in the past.  This is the part that looks like an emotional rock. 

After I got off FaceTime with him, I was feeling sad because it's this side of him that was the good part I once thought would protect me and help me in this world.  I am overwhelmed with all the reading of health plans to choose, etc.  Reading isn't my favorite thing to do when it comes to practicalities.  I don't feel worthy in this world to take adequate care of myself.

How do I feel better?  How do I get emotional support again in my life?  I used to tell him everything and he would be a great listener.  I am so overwhelmed and stressed of all the decision making and financial decisions after the divorce.  I have low self esteem and I am constantly seeking approval and advice and he used to give it to me.  How can I start to find my esteem again?

[expos]

Get out more!  Talk to people! 

I find the best way to feel good is to go out and help others.  Just little gestures like helping someone carry something heavy, having them look you in eyes and say "thank you" is sometimes the most rewarding thing.  Open the line of communication between yourself and strangers.  I'll be in public places sometimes like the post office and just start talking to someone about something happening that very moment.  Doing just whatever to communicate.  You'll be surprised at how some people will open up.

Volunteering can be good for your esteem.  Trust me.  One of the greatest days of my life was joining a friend and helping at a soup kitchen.  I walked out feeling like I actually did something worthwhile instead of just staring a dumb computer screen all day.

Going and out and just doing something positive instead of thinking about how terrible that BPD ex was in your life is one of best moves you can make!