Ability To Forgive?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

My ex gf would always say how forgiving she was but would then consistently bring up every single thing I had ever done wrong and go on and on about it, sometimes followed immediately by being kind or affectionate. I always found this very strange how she could basically repeat everything bad about me (the kitchen sink) and then be kind. Have others experienced this? She didn't show any ability to forgive and there were no boundaries to how dirty she would fight when mad. She would bring up things that she knew would hurt me the most.

There was also a huge double standard in that she could say or do things that I never could or would and it would be ok for her but there would be hell to pay if I acted that way.

[Duped 1]

My ex gf would always say how forgiving she was but would then consistently bring up every single thing I had ever done wrong and go on and on about it, sometimes followed immediately by being kind or affectionate. I always found this very strange how she could basically repeat everything bad about me (the kitchen sink) and then be kind. Have others experienced this? She didn't show any ability to forgive and there were no boundaries to how dirty she would fight when mad. She would bring up things that she knew would hurt me the most.

There was also a huge double standard in that she could say or do things that I never could or would and it would be ok for her but there would be hell to pay if I acted that way.

[Turkish]

This may be stating the obvious,  but she sounds very egocentric. Have you seen this discussion? It's one of the most interesting to me here:

BPD Behaviors: Emotional Immaturity

Tell me what you think after reading that. 

[Duped 1]

Thanks for posting that. A lot of that rings true. Completely self absorbed. Her and her kids are all that mattered. No empathy, couldn't take any criticism or admit any fault, almost never apologized, etc. She is high functioning though and was financially responsible. She is extremely cheap, shallow, and childish. Also had to tell me every single time someone said she was pretty or good at her job. Extremely dependent and controlling and no loyalty whatsoever as soon as the relationship failed. Sad really as she sure fooled me and I poured my heart and soul into her. I feel very foolish and am still devastated to the point where I'm barely functioning and she immediately moved on to the next victim.

[Turkish]

How do you feel about accepting her for who she is? Note that this doesn't mean approving of her behaviors, but rather acknowledging that's how she rolls, so to speak? My T said this to me in a way. To be honest, I still struggle with this,  but it helped accept her for who she is rather than who I wanted her to be. 

[Duped 1]

That makes some sense Turkish. It would be easier if she hadn't pretended to be someone that she wasn't. A complete phony who only showed her true colors to me. It's not like we will ever interact again but I was very fooled and should have seen the red flags that were there early but I ignored them because I was being idolized by a very attractive phony person.

[once removed]

she could basically repeat everything bad about me (the kitchen sink) and then be kind. Have others experienced this?

sure. ever heard of "i hate you, dont leave me"?

It would be easier if she hadn't pretended to be someone that she wasn't. A complete phony who only showed her true colors to me. It's not like we will ever interact again but I was very fooled and should have seen the red flags that were there early but I ignored them because I was being idolized by a very attractive phony person.

it sounds like youre kicking yourself a bit here, Duped 1, and i think this touches on what Turkish means by accepting her for who she is.

people with BPD lack a stable sense of self. unconsciously, they look for an attachment to complete them. they affect that attachment by a variety of means, including mirroring. generally, this has a powerful effect on us.

it can look to us sometimes as if we were conned, fooled, or duped. its not that our exes planned to pull the wool over our eyes. its that they have a well intentioned, but dysfunctional attachment style. the truth is probably more complex than the notion that you were fooled, but its natural to be very confused.

people with BPD also struggle with object constancy, that is, the ability to see a person as an integrated whole, with shades of grey; loved ones are often seen in black and white terms. when emotions are overwhelming, feelings become facts, and thats often when you get the "kitchen sink". when emotions subside, or perhaps change their focus, you may get the opposite.

none of this is a game - sadly its a part of the disorder.

[Duped 1]

I think I understand what you're saying Once Removed, but there was outright lying in her preaching about her strong values and honesty from the very start and she didn't live up to hardly any of what she said she was so I do feel that a fair amount of it was an act at least in my case.

Deceit and dishonestly makes it feel phony to me.

[once removed]

there was outright lying in her preaching about her strong values and honesty from the very start and she didn't live up to hardly any of what she said she was

if you ask a person with an unstable sense of self what their core values are, they may change from minute to minute, or depending on who is asking.

it does often feel very phony to us and hypocritical. and its normal to feel lied to or jipped. it is some of the most difficult behavior to depersonalize.

[Duped 1]

if you ask a person with an unstable sense of self what their core values are, they may change from minute to minute, or depending on who is asking.

it does often feel very phony to us and hypocritical. and its normal to feel lied to or jipped. it is some of the most difficult behavior to depersonalize.

She would preach to me about the importance of honesty and go on and on about it, and then I would catch her in lies and remind here of how she preached to me about the importance of honesty and she would either stare at me blank faced or justify the lies because she didn't want to upset me. Crazy. I am much worse off for the experience of ever knowing her or knowing people like this even existed.