The weekend has again begun...

[HarmKrakow]

its the weekend again you guys, what are we going to do so we don't drown in self-pity, get sucked in the vicious circle downwards and don't ruminate and think about our (once) significant other BPDers in our life?

For starters...

No idea, the mere thought of the weekend beginning is already quite crap

[mitti]

Hi harmkrakow,

I am sorry but I don't really know your story so forgive me if my response is off. What did you use to do on the weekends before you met her? Now that I am no longer with my SO, the love of my life whom I though I'd marry and spend the rest of my days with, I try to go back to what I used to enjoy doing before meeting him. All of a sudden I have freedom to do what I like. Before it was all about him, now it's about me. It can feel good even if we miss them.

[Mightyhammers]

Horrible isn’t it? At this exact time she was supposed to be making her way to the station to catch a train down to see me, I already got her the tickets as well.

Im aiming to be out all weekend with friends, Im blessed with some of the best in the world, and will be taking my little brother to the game on Sunday

Ill still be thinking of her the whole weekend though

[HarmKrakow]

Hi harmkrakow,

I am sorry but I don't really know your story so forgive me if my response is off. What did you use to do on the weekends before you met her? Now that I am no longer with my SO, the love of my life whom I though I'd marry and spend the rest of my days with, I try to go back to what I used to enjoy doing before meeting him. All of a sudden I have freedom to do what I like. Before it was all about him, now it's about me. It can feel good even if we miss them.

The problem with that is, that I continued to do what I like ... but with my ex BPD during the weekends ...

Meaning, now that is broken off, I don't like that at all anymore and it torns and rips open old wounds, which hurt. I'm utter clueless in regards of what to do, there aren't really things i'd like unfortunately.

[Newton]

harm... .  have a shower... .  press your best shirt, go to a cool bar.  Let the borderlines that WILL be there talk to you... .  and brush them off... .  be proud of yourself for doing so... .  

Talk to people... .  girls are VERY interested in guys that have the confidence to go out alone... .  believe me! 

[mitti]

I know what you mean. I so preferred doing things together with my ex than alone. A year ago when he left me without warning (he went from loving, planning our life together to, to refusing all contact in a matter of 10 mins) I fell into a black hole. We were apart for 7 months and what I went through then I don't wish on anybody. I don't even know how I made it through. But I did. We got back together and stayed together for another year and a half. Now we have broken up again and it really is because I could no longer stand all the crazy BPD-behaviours. I understand this doesn't sound very encouraging right now, but hang in there. You will make it out. I look back at what I went through, and I remember how I bad I felt, how I had never experienced such excruciating pain, but I came through it. I don't know how, but I did and that is all that matters.

Just keep your focus on the future, on all the possibilities that lie ahead. That helps me, that fills me with excitement. Meanwhile, have you got friend you can do stuff with to help take you mind off her?

[mango_flower]

I have made good plans for this weekend:

Tonight I have my friend coming over in about 20 mins. Then we will go and head to a pub to meet up with some other friends for dinner. 

Tomorrow I am going to take part in a match for the sport that I do.  It will be a fun day hopefully, meeting lots of new people as they are mixing up the teams.

Sunday I have a training session for my sport, and then we all go to the pub for dinner afterwards.

In between I will be getting my marking done, playing games online and tidying the house.

So I shall be kept busy.

I don't really want to be doing any of these things, I'd rather be planning what to do with my girl, having a sleep in, doing a food shop, renting a DVD and snuggling up on the sofa, catching up with our mutual friends for drinks and maybe a day trip somewhere cool on the Saturday, like going to a zoo or something.

But hey, can't have everything my own way!

I do understand though, I really do.  As soon as I leave work on a Friday, I get this sad, empty feeling in my stomach and I drag my feet to my car, no rush to get home to my girl like there used to be... .  just nothingness... .  emptiness... .  loneliness.

I can't even do anything that fun as I have no money now she left. 

This board will be here for you over the weekend though Harm, I always find that very reassuring, it makes me feel safe and like I have a place to go if it all gets too much.

xxx

[GreenMango]

Harm the weekends are a trigger for you.   

Let's skip the the other steps on the detachment lessons and go straight to No.4 creative action.  This one is the most tangible. 

Can you make plans for the weekends to stave off the depression?  Anything - going out, a walk, check out your city by being a tourist on vacation for the day (i call these a mindcation).  You got some really good ideas from others do any of them sound like something you want to try? 

If not what are some options?

[lost007]

How about finishing up any unfinished business.  Mail stacks. Broken faucet. Phone calls that have gone unmade. Spring is coming. Yard work. Work on a car? Just accomplish something and get that satisfaction from a completed task. Helps me.

[sad but wiser]

 Hello again, Harm.  You can always talk to us. At least you are feeling something, even if it is severe pain, etc.  The most alarming part of my breakup is that 6 months out, I'm not feeling much.  There was the initial shock and the pain of being painted black and the nastiness, but hardly anything now.  I'm not in anguish nor wonderfully happy, either... .  maybe I stayed too long?  Frostbite? 

Is it really the girl that you miss, or what you felt like when you were around her?  I'm sorry she was involved with absolutely everything you enjoyed - that makes it harder to move on. Do you have any family you could hang out with?

[seeking balance]

pain is inevitable, suffering is optional.

Harm, as GM said - it is time for you to do some creative action on your own.  We all wonder why our BPD's can't "do this, or that" but have you noticed how hard it is to do new things when you are depressed or triggered?

no matter where you live - there is something happening this weekend - if nothing else, go walk a neighborhood you have never been to... .  change our actions, we change our thoughts, change our thoughts we change our feelings.

[HarmKrakow]

Harm the weekends are a trigger for you.   

Let's skip the the other steps on the detachment lessons and go straight to No.4 creative action.  This one is the most tangible. 

Can you make plans for the weekends to stave off the depression?  Anything - going out, a walk, check out your city by being a tourist on vacation for the day (i call these a mindcation).  You got some really good ideas from others do any of them sound like something you want to try? 

If not what are some options?

You are right. It's a trigger, and I can feel i'm making drama about avoiding the trigger, because going home, and knowing you'll open that door of your house and you have friday, saturday & sunday night to spend there, when there won't be some to talk to. All I do during weekdays is just put my head in the sand, pretend nothing happens and work to many hours. And frantically, avoid all the triggers which 1) remind me of her, that is, music, girls, photo's, couple's and ... yes, home, as I don't sleep at home during monday night till thursday night.

One of the scary things at home, and knowingly what I need to do, is start planning what I want to do with my life. I'm in the position where I have the choice to start working somewhere else in the world (yet again) and sort of rebuild life (am 25). And I need to as I'll leave in July 2013. However, that planning is so scary, because it makes me ruminate about her. One of the few options is the States as she hated that country.

Other than that, i've been pouring salt in my wounds as I (stupidly) contacted her again today and (stupidly) said I didn't feel to good and was hoping she did feel good and she doesn't deserve the stress she's having now and I wish her good luck and such. (I know, the moment I did I felt good for 5 seconds). Than ... I saw her come online, read the message, and didn't send anything back straight away. That, that little thing of acknowledging you read the message and then continue made me feel so bad. I just walked for 2 hours and am on my way back to my home now, and whadda ya know? A message(!) Haven't read it yet because I constantly feel a aching pain through my head, like skull splitting when I see a message popping online. Breaching NC is stupid, it seriously puts you back at zero.

So far you guys, the way i've been going through my weekends was going to bed as late as possible on Friday so I wake up as late as I can on Saturday and the use a sleeping pill to sleep as early as I can and wake up late again on Sunday so I can use work as a lame excuse on Sunday to get rid of that day to.

You know, there is one thing I could do, there is a old secondary school reunion on Saturday evening. And yeah, people been wanting to see me, I was the only one from our entire secondary class to go live abroad in a different country and work in Finance so they are all like; Tell us the stories! And consider me the cold rational career maker. They have no idea ...   and you know what, if they would have asked me a year ago, I would have proudly and inspirationally have told them my stories. Cuz that was always one of the things I was good at, inspire people, passionately.

I've only told an ex gf from back at secondary school that i'm not sure if I should go, because well, I don't know if I can put up a charade. I know, and as some might have read in the personal inventory board, I really struggle in lief at the moment and I feel like i'm falling in the same mistake again and again. I break NC, I urge for her connection in my life again and I still feel so deeply connected with her. And still can't imagine to be without her. I do quite well to avoid triggers when i'm at work, when off work, avoiding is difficult. I sometimes just walk for 2 hours in circles in the city centre and parks around people to keep my feet walking and thus my head somewhere else but still, it feels like your not WORKING on your problems, it feels like ducking away.

I want to progress, I don't want to walk away but i'm afraid when I do face it, I drown in self-pity (which is stupid) and fear that I might do something I regret.

[HarmKrakow]

Hello again, Harm.  You can always talk to us. At least you are feeling something, even if it is severe pain, etc.  The most alarming part of my breakup is that 6 months out, I'm not feeling much.  There was the initial shock and the pain of being painted black and the nastiness, but hardly anything now.  I'm not in anguish nor wonderfully happy, either... .  maybe I stayed too long?  Frostbite? 

Is it really the girl that you miss, or what you felt like when you were around her?  I'm sorry she was involved with absolutely everything you enjoyed - that makes it harder to move on. Do you have any family you could hang out with?

I do feel something, but I only 'feel' when its related to my ex. Than I feel, other than that I don't feel. I'm actually quite numb (due to anti-depressants).

I do really miss the girl, her stubborn character, she was pretty, she did made me laugh and I don't miss what I felt when I was around her, cuz that felt like walking on eggshells literally. And no, unfortunately no family to hang out with. No bros, nor sisters or uncle's/aunties to hang out with. Only a father.

[Whatwasthat]

Hi Harm 

OK - the weekends are going to feel tough for a while - no point pretending otherwise - let's just face that and accept it.

But this really difficult time will not (in my experience) last forever.

I completely appreciate that when you're feeling awful it's impossible to imagine quite how you're ever going to be OK again - but it happens - slowly but surely you come back to life and happiness. This happens partly due to 'work' - which I'd classify as  therapy and a kind of dogged determination to just get your head down and keep going - this is a marathon not a sprint. But that's not the whole story - what also helps you get to a better place - in my view - is simply the passage of time and patience and the gradual accumulation of the small but vital good things in life.

So my advice for this  weekend (and all weekends for the next six weeks)  is - have a plan - know it's by no means ideal and do it anyway. Know that you will stick (more or less) to your plan each weekend - and that it's not going to be particularly 'fun' - and may not yield instantaneous results - but it will be  constructive and will - slowly but surely - move you forwards.

So how to make the plan? I've got some thoughts on that.

Firstly I would make three simple lists.

1) Things that are boring and you really don't feel like doing which are practical and will improve your comfort/living environment if you do them - ironing your clothes for the next working week, cleaning the oven, sweeping the front path outside the house. Then decide if you want to do one or two of these tasks on Saturday and again on Sunday. You will not necessarily feel any better after doing this stuff but you may get some welcome sense of forward momentum and distraction - and your brain will get the message that you are looking after yourself and taking charge of your situation. Over a period of a couple of weeks - in my experience - this is likely to help you feel a little better.

2) Things that you might actually feel like doing that will comfort you for a short time - and it doesn't matter how brief the effects are. Buy yourself something nice to eat (do you have a weakness for cakes? Do you like a good steak?), have a shower, get your hair cut. Again - decide if you will do one or two of these things on each of the weekend days. Even if each of these things gives you fleeting pleasure for a mere thirty seconds that will again send a powerful positive message to your brain - which - if reinforced over time - will help to make you feel better.

3) Things that are in a small way 'new'. Take a walk in a part of town you've never been to before, try a class in an activity you might never have considered (I'm going to recommend the Chinese meditative exercise Qi Gong - but not many places have classes for it - so it can be anything really), go and have a coffee in a cafe you've never been into before. These things will probably not make you feel any 'better' in the moment but they will wake up bits of your brain that are going to help you out of this situation.

So that's part one of my suggestion. A kind of mild boot-camp for the soul.

There's another element I would add in.

You talk about making big changes in life - but about being freaked out and triggered by thinking about these changes. You imply that you will be FORCED into making changes because your current working situation ends in the summer. Is that right? If so I would recommend drawing up a plan - a bit like a revision plan for exams - that schedules modest amounts of thinking time about this. Maybe just twenty minutes every day. And also you will need to order that thinking. To make lists of what you're looking for in a new job/lifestyle, which contacts are likely to yield the best results etc. But in my experience it would be best to strictly schedule this planning/thinking. Do it only when scheduled.

And remember. This structure you're building is supposed to help and support you - not punish you. So if you book into a class to do a new activity and then just can't face going - or feel too depressed by the awful state of the oven to even look at it - let alone clean it - don't feel it's a failure - it isn't - you've made the effort - and that in itself is enough. Simply pat yourself on the back for having done that and move onto the next task on  your list.

Finally are you familiar with the David Berceli Trauma Release Exercises? They're a very simple form of exercise you can do at home designed to release intense feelings held in the body. At times of tough and overpowering emotions they can  - in my experience - be remarkably helpful. He's written what is - in my view - an unnecessarily long book about them - but the book is useful because of the illustrations of the exercises at the back. If you want a brief account of how to do them then do please PM me.

The idea is to get the emotions out - to feel them - but to do it in a way that feels physical aswell as emotional - it really does help - somehow makes the whole thing more manageable and less overwhelming in my experience.

OK.

Sorry to sound a bit like a general putting together a strategy during wartime. But you know - this is a crisis - and in some ways such an approach can be helpful. Particularly if you feel great impatience to move yourself forwards - which you have expressed. I found that there were no quick fixes - but a thousand and one strategies that helped immensely over a relatively short period of time. You will get to the other side of this Harm. I - and many others here - have felt almost exactly what you're feeling right now and we're living proof that it's eminently possible to come out the other side.

And finally - in case you needed reminding - we're all here to listen and to talk to about this if you need us.

[just me.]

Hey Harm,

Given how much you have been struggling, have you considered just actually really shaking things up a lot?  You don't seem to like your job, you mention being alienated by most of the people around you, and you also seem to find a lot of the places around you (including your own home) to be painful reminders.  Have you thought about packing up and shifting to something new?

I think you mentioned that you are overseas but originally from the U.S., is that right?  Maybe it's time to move back and get a bit of a fresh start or something... ?  Perhaps take a vacation somewhere?  Spend time in the outdoors?  Experience something completely different... ?

I don't know if that's feasible or not (or if it's good advice or not), but I know it's the type of thing I would have considered doing when my marriage fell apart had it not been that I needed to keep close and on the same path for my kids.

In previous crises, I've done things like whitewater rafting trips, intense backpacking... .  and then one time I traveled the U.S. for several weeks with about 40 strangers in a retired greyhound bus.  Those things really helped me get out of my own head a little, and helped my mind make the necessary shifts to a new way of thinking.  Just even having some time away from the stress of work in a new environment could possibly be very therapeutic for you right now.

[afterdeath]

go out and buy a playstation 3 and God of war ascension and meet me on the battlefield to take out you're frustrations on the poor mortals who stand before us


That's what I'll be doing besides work and working out

[mango_flower]

How you getting on, Harm? x

[HarmKrakow]

How you getting on, Harm? x

Not very well, but i've already come to terms with that. I went to a reunion of high school last night. They all told me; wow, you certainly developed. With a few I told them my story in regards of my ex BPD, some went on to study psychology, so a term of borderline straight away ringed quite a bell. You hear things like; "you must feel quite ~ed up, well done on actually making it here. You had a wonderful time in London, well done. My ex, ... well she gave me something to live for. Because of her, I felt for the first time deeply passionately in love. Im still in LC with her and all that time seems forgotten, like I didn't mean jack ~ and she still is the one in charge, even during our LC time in regards of when we speak etc. What we CAN and CAN'T discuss.

If I had a button in my room right now, which said 'dissolve instantly' I would straight away finish 3 little booklets I was writing and then push that button. One about my thoughts to people who meant something in my life. One other a story I was once writing and another all the topics on BPD here which included all my posts. Would put them together and spread them out so that if someone would seek an answer on why I did what I did, they have the answer. I can't pull this weight on my shoulders anymore. I simply can't. When I walked back towards home through the park I saw myself remembering my ex in the park here and then quickly saw all the places where I could hang myself. I saw myself doing it.

Last few weeks i've been coping for the simple reason that I work ~loads of hours but that will stop. I will stop my work coming friday and will tear up my contract. Meaning until July 2013 I'll be alone and at home. July 2013 I gotta hand in a research i'm busy with and have to do an exam and that I have no further ties with the Netherlands as where I am living right now.

I don't want to live. I don't want to wake up as waking ups are the hardest part. The sheer pain is just so agonizing. So am I some unattractive to heavy bad condition kind of guy who never gets out of those and plays world of warcraft 24 hours a day? No offense to people who do, but that I don't do. I'm in tip top physical shape. Im 25 years old and in between finishing studies and also currently full time working (for the last 2 years) in finance. Meaning, nicely dressed, suits, tip top. From the outside you would have no idea of the mental pain i'd be going through.

But what about your parents? They are separated, my father tells me i'm an idiot for not breaking up with her 5 months ago and tells me I simply have to move on and can't understand what i'm going through. It's the typical, you feel bored? You go do something you like. You feel lonely? You go to people. You feel hungry? You go eat. Well it's not always that so straight forward, and you only realize it's not that straight forward when you are actually facing it... Borderline is something they don't understand. They consider r/s breakup with BPD as something as similar as breaking up a normal r/s. Well, as i've been told by my T, a break up with a BPD is something completely different. As it doesn't give you closure what normally does happen in a normal r/s and a BPD r/s always ends up with huge painting black in the end etc. Yadayada we all know the drill, a break up with a BPD is different.

Brothers and sisters? Don't have em.

What about my family? Never had really good contact with them, typical 'keep the problems within the family', very proud and all, but thats not what I do. I vent my feelings for the simple reason that to me it's a self preservation kind of thing. The moment I don't vent my feelings I go hide and seek cover and isolate myself, feelings of not being worthy in this world. Feeling you don't have anything to offer.

So thats the FOO.

So what in regards of friends?

I have a few life time friends, people who I can always call, people who I can always sleep at and are willing to give a listening ear. I'm planning to visit one again this week. They all feel sorry for me, they all understand the fact I feel ~ beyond ~water, and that in regards of my future, I don't feel any spark or any intention to move on. I hear they understand and they ofc. do help. They tell me i've burned out energy wise. And ofc. going out with them once every week or 2 and spend a night there, talk with them, it helps. But it's not sparking that engine within my stomach. It all feels so futile, it's feels so hopeless. It feels like ducking your head in the sand and just shout; ' lalalalala ' as if nothing is happening. Why can't I seem to face my problems straight on? Why can't I seem to just close off my last 2 years and cut everything off which was sick and disgustingly attached to me as a growth and continue with life? And why for crying out loud, in current society nowadays do I want such frantic overnight solutions? I know more than ever that when something needs a change, it doesn't happen overnight (although my EX always, always told me, if I don't feel good today, i'll feel good again tomorrow. Ill be fine tomorrow harm!). I've come to realize that this whole 2 year endeavor with my disordered significant BPD other has been nothing more than a shell shock core trauma which keeps me in some paralysis sort of state. I've went on anti-depressants, but so far thats only been cutting of my hysterical crying and emotions however sharpened my thinking in regards of the completely futility of life.

I don't have anything to offer to the world and although I should live the life for myself, I can't seem to gain pleasure out of that due to my own incapabilities. The fact that I need help with that over-showers me with great shame. The sheer dysfunctional behavior of my ex BPD in all her sorts and forms is something so skull-splitting that it seriously cracks it open and makes me want to puke. Seriously, if I had a button which just said, a 'get out of jail free' card in regards of life that you can flee without any issues. As in, when people kill themself they often involve others, jump of a building, in front of a train, that to me is something where you shock others. You can't do that when you make such a important decision in life.

I regret that at the moment I can't really seem to enjoy shallow conversations. I've always liked to go with a friend to a pub and just talk about life, what we want and where we want to be in the future and looking back in the past what we did wrong and right and how we learned from that. I ache for deeper conversations. Why? I don't know. I really don't. The shallow 'jokey' conversations of just loosening up and having fun is something I not only get pleasure out, it makes me feel more sad.

And yeah, I regret having met her and spent 2 years of my life with her. I met her and the height of my career, and realize now that if that 'top' of my career back then 2 years ago, I was fully 'sane' I might have seen the red flags unfortunately I didn't meaning I've also had my fair share of own problems which now came to light. One of them is that I now do realize some people, some ... some just can't be saved.

[mango_flower]

You're right - other people DON'T get it.  They really don't.  They just don't realise exactly how much it messes with your head, and it makes you feel isolated and alone.  Nobody can know how you feel inside, and you want to scream and scream when they trivialise it and tell you "plenty more fish in the sea!"

That's good you at least got out and went to your high school reunion.  Must have been sad in a way though, hearing how happy other people are and how they have great lives... .  

I understand about that magic erase button. 

People say to go back to who you were before, remember what you had to live for, remember being happy... .  but how can you be, when you now see the world in a totally different light?  And it's a dark, scary place.

I wish I had the answers for you Harm, but I don't.  I just take comfort in the fact that people here say it gets better - so I am holding out for that xxx

[HarmKrakow]

You're right - other people DON'T get it.  They really don't.  They just don't realise exactly how much it messes with your head, and it makes you feel isolated and alone.  Nobody can know how you feel inside, and you want to scream and scream when they trivialise it and tell you "plenty more fish in the sea!"

That's good you at least got out and went to your high school reunion.  Must have been sad in a way though, hearing how happy other people are and how they have great lives... .  

I understand about that magic erase button. 

People say to go back to who you were before, remember what you had to live for, remember being happy... .  but how can you be, when you now see the world in a totally different light?  And it's a dark, scary place.

I wish I had the answers for you Harm, but I don't.  I just take comfort in the fact that people here say it gets better - so I am holding out for that xxx

You take comfort in the fact people tell you it gets better. I unfortunately don't do that anymore. I don't get comfort out of that as I don't believe in that. I do think(!) it can get different, but not better. If i'm holding out for it to get better I might as well go look for that magic button. Keep strong mango

[sad but wiser]

Harm, I wish someone, like my ex-husband, felt as passionately as you do about this girl.  You obviously have the ability to wrap your world around a person and pour yourself into that world, etc.  Perhaps that is not the healthiest way to have a relationship.  You see, we all need some autonomy.  Our interests outside the relationship bring spark to the relationship and stability to our own psyches.  People will disappoint you, they always do at some point or the other.  It is simply the nature of human beings.  I know that you have disappointed others too.  How do I know?  Because we all do.  The nicer people feel badly that someone else was disappointed, even if they did their best.  But feeling badly and having your mental world collapse should be two different things.  Harm, you are very young, actually.  A split-up of an important type like this does, literally, funny things to your brain.  Check it out, it actually is, literally, like getting a head injury.  After that, you have to rewire.  It is no wonder that you feel badly, no wonder at all.  Yes, breaking no contact was not a good idea for you.  It happens.  You need some beauty.  It is a very soothing and healing thing.  It is what women bring to a man's world, and what you were missing in yours.  What is beautiful to you?

[afterdeath]

Harm, I'm going to be your kick in the ass for today.

Take control back, you are still talking to her, why? What is this doing for you beside keeping you down and depressed. Bring the ball back into your court, start taking control.

I bet when she texts you reply immediately, stop it. If you are going to persist in pushing the red button my advice is have a little fun with it. She keeps texting you? Well, maybe you make her wait two days before you respond, then a week. Do not bow to her pedestal, it's all garbage.

You have alot of garbage in your head right now and it's time to take out the trash.

Simple steps to start enabling: decrease your contact with her even further, wean of your addiction

Next: read the article on this detaching board about emotional filling. Take back control of your mind and thoughts.

Next: take a break from social media, it's filled with alot of negativity, even this site, is God to get things out but I find the less I visit the better I feel because I'm not reminded of the triggers.

Do something for you. Start reading motivational books, watch YouTube videos, look at pictures.

Envision yourself as your ultimate self, how would you be then, strive for that.

It's time to focus on you harm, let me tell you something, she didn't deserve you, you didn't deserve this, and you deserve to be happy, but life happened and got in the way.

You can lay there and take the hits and decide you like being a sad punching bag, or you can stand back up and start fighting again and move forward.

It's up to you ultimately.

Who's to say you won't find her in your life again, or another spirit who is exactly what you want. Never going to find out by staying stuck in the garbage truck are yah?


Hang in there brother, you are climbing out of hell by inches, but those inches add up

[HarmKrakow]

Harm, I wish someone, like my ex-husband, felt as passionately as you do about this girl.  You obviously have the ability to wrap your world around a person and pour yourself into that world, etc.  Perhaps that is not the healthiest way to have a relationship.  You see, we all need some autonomy.  Our interests outside the relationship bring spark to the relationship and stability to our own psyches.  People will disappoint you, they always do at some point or the other.  It is simply the nature of human beings.  I know that you have disappointed others too.  How do I know?  Because we all do.  The nicer people feel badly that someone else was disappointed, even if they did their best.  But feeling badly and having your mental world collapse should be two different things.  Harm, you are very young, actually.  A split-up of an important type like this does, literally, funny things to your brain.  Check it out, it actually is, literally, like getting a head injury.  After that, you have to rewire.  It is no wonder that you feel badly, no wonder at all.  Yes, breaking no contact was not a good idea for you.  It happens.  You need some beauty.  It is a very soothing and healing thing.  It is what women bring to a man's world, and what you were missing in yours.  

It does feel shameful to be this hurt. I've been once in a 3 year and once in a 2 year relationship before I met this BPD person. When we split up in those previous r/s, there was room for closure, there was room for a 'clean' ending. Ofcourse there were tears, ofcourse there was a bit of tension and wonders, is this the right choice? And you know what, I remember those break ups, and I would do something to keep my mind of things. At those points I didnt mind to be alone after the break up, I played a computer game, or I went to play soccer with some friends, or I went on holiday to some cousins, or I would study something for a few weeks which was completely different. And it felt good, and quickly day by day, the pain became a bit less. Few weeks out and I was ready to move on with a new target in life. Now, now I don't have that. I don't gain joy out of reading a book, playing a video game, going for shopping, etc. The futility is a crushing pain.

In my r/s with my BPD other, she was always the one from day 1 idealization to day last idealization afraid that I would break up with her. That I would leave her for someone better, the moment the hatred phase started she didn't have that anymore. First of all I had no idea of such thing as a 'hatred phase' and thus therefore thought this was just a 'period' and love would prevail. She loved me so much, i'm sure if I would try harder she would come back at terms. So from that point onwards I started neglecting friends more, I started paying more attention to her and tried whatever I could to help her, but every day it went worse and worse. And that slowly, agonizingly destroyed me. A few months in the hatred phase I realized I made myself copendent on her! While I never had that feeling until that point of realization. I always had the feeling I could do whatever I wanted and never (although I loved her) felt attached to her in such a way that I could not function without her. It wasn't until months into the hatred phase that I realized I got myself codependent on her because I could not believe her switch from idealization towards hatred.

I've never been codependent on anyone, and, above that, I liked, or even better to say I found it awesome to achieve something of which I fought for! As in, my responsibility, my task and the moment you achieved it, it felt AWESOME. And that also kept life going. I always had a character on my own, now when in my previous r/s with my ex she projected/mirrored me so strongly that I started doubting my own character. She took my interests, hobbies, etc. within the relationship we shared and made them HERS. Meaning the moment the split came, I felt like I had nothing and thus she started projecting (painting me black) on almost everything and shouted I was the one who was sick, etc.

What is beautiful to you?

Don't know. Poor people who got into trouble not due to themselves and get honest genuine help from others. A sign of faith and trust in order to help someone, although someone can lie to you, betray you, you should never give up and drop someone because he betrayed/lied to you, it might have been due to strong self-preservation behavior or tendencies she/he learned from their FOO. Everyone deserves a third chance.

Afterdeath:

You are right. I won't deny it. I apologize for the whining and the weakness I show for not being able to cut the cord. I apologize. I still seek answers, I am still clueless of what happened and that she can walk away without responsibility and without leaving me a chance to talk about it. My T keeps telling me, someone with such severe PTSS, Borderline and social phobia won't be cured until she recognizes there is something wrong. And although she might enter another honeymoon phase for over 10 year or even 15 years, eventually it will go wrong again.

I did start reading motivational books, but it's hard, am trying though. Still busy with Eckhart Tolle's book Power of Now.

Social Media is indeed a pain. Agreed.

I do need to start doing things for me. Thats why I decided to stop working and start focusing on recovery as I realized 80h workshifts is ducking my head in the sand. It's not helpful, it's not progress. I need to stay at home for a few weeks on my own and face those scary doors, open them and realize the pain. But i'm sorry afterdeath, so far I still feel I just want to give up, I feel like such a weakling. And the thing is, if I would have read my posts which I posted here last 2 weeks a year ago, I would have said, get of your lazy ass, go do something, whats wrong with you? Gawd mental pain is agony 

[afterdeath]

ok I changed my mind, first step: stop apologizing

What are you apologizing for, especially to me? There's no need for that.

You are here the same as I am.

And it does get worse before it gets better unfortunately and you're going to hit rock bottom before you decide to do something about it.

One thing working against you and still poisoning your mind is still talking to her. You need a detox and then you can come back straightened out and then you'll know what you're dealing with and how to deal with it.

You lived without her before, you can certainly do it again. Force yourself to live life and stop hiding from it.

Example: I started running again, I've really gotten serious with working out and eating right as well.

How are your eating habits? Start eating, and eat healthy things and you'll feel better, go buy a bottle of fish oil vitamins and start taking them, you'll start feeling better.

Just start trying to climb out of the hole, you are not defeated, this is not where your story ends but yet where it begins.

[sad but wiser]

Harm, I'm all for second chances, but remember this old saying, "Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me.   Being recycled is far, far worse than the first breakup, because you want it to work soo badly.  I think it would be VERY bad for you in particular right now.  You MUST get some distance from this relationship for your mental health.  Please try.  You are a very relationally oriented person, so see about repairing a relationship or two with your more forgiving friends.  They may understand better than you expect.