Potential recycling or me just over thinking

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hi, I happen to come on and off these boards cause it does trigger me reading other people's posts. So I've been single for over a year because my ex broke up with me I was broken for months on end but now I've been enjoying single life throughout it. Been going out meeting women enjoying their company etc. If something happened on the night it did I never exchanged numbers because I wasn't ready for dating.

Cut a long story short met a girl a few months ago who lives out of town, been speaking for a few weeks and arranged to go out. Within the first 5 mins she mentioned the ex because her cousin was dating my exs cousin. It set my mood for the night and I just lost interest in the night. My conclusion was that I'm just not ready to date which I believe I'm not.

Anyhow subconsciously my interest levels in this new woman went to zero and I received a message a few days later and she was saying how nice I am but I haven't been the same for whatever reason etc.

Now I receive an email from the ex saying "How's your girlfriend? Small world!"

Where on earth is the logic in this.

[jeffrey12]

Hi, I happen to come on and off these boards cause it does trigger me reading other people's posts. So I've been single for over a year because my ex broke up with me I was broken for months on end but now I've been enjoying single life throughout it. Been going out meeting women enjoying their company etc. If something happened on the night it did I never exchanged numbers because I wasn't ready for dating.

Cut a long story short met a girl a few months ago who lives out of town, been speaking for a few weeks and arranged to go out. Within the first 5 mins she mentioned the ex because her cousin was dating my exs cousin. It set my mood for the night and I just lost interest in the night. My conclusion was that I'm just not ready to date which I believe I'm not.

Anyhow subconsciously my interest levels in this new woman went to zero and I received a message a few days later and she was saying how nice I am but I haven't been the same for whatever reason etc.

Now I receive an email from the ex saying "How's your girlfriend? Small world!"

Where on earth is the logic in this.

[tuum est61]

J12, After your ex broke up with you, how much contact did you have with her afterwards?  Any recycling or was it pretty well a no contact situation?

[jeffrey12]

J12, After your ex broke up with you, how much contact did you have with her afterwards?  Any recycling or was it pretty well a no contact situation?

Hi,

After the breakup I was a bit confused for a few months. My relationship consisted of a lot of breakup threats on a daily basis after the first year for about 5 months but it was all empty threats more like push and pull. Kick me out the house and then when I'd leave she'd cry asking for me to come back and other times argue with me because I left!

So after the break up I was confused and had zero closure and I was chasing her for a few months trying to get her back, flowers, letters, birthday present and a teddy bear in valentines anyhow I then got a Txt saying she had a Bf so I just left it after that. In hindsight very stupid but I acted on impulse because I didn't want to lose her.

Fast forward 4 months I saw her in this bar whilst at the bar she goes and places herself next to me. She says hello we speak for a while she informs me that she's broken up with her Bf, I buy her a drink and wish her a good night and walk off. 3 hours later in the night after I've left the club to eat and come back I walk past her and her friends and she strokes my lower back strongly and as a natural reaction I done the same and walked off (all in my stride). I get talking to a friends sister friendly. Later on I find out my ex has started an argument with my friends sister in the toilets accusing her of looking at her funny?

I go out to a bar with a few friends recognise a Bouncer and ask him how I know him and we conclude it's through the ex seen as he went out with her when they were younger. We speak a bit and he tells me about her in the past etc. Same ~ as me just different person . He then lies to her about supposed things I said she emails me going mad, I correct her,  she calls me up and we speak about life in general and how she is and I am etc... Pleasant 20 minute conversation then no contact till this event I mentioned in my first message.



Sorry about the long reply. I'd rather say it in depth so you can try and get a good understanding of the situation :-)

Thanks for your help!

[jeffrey12]

Just received another email from the ex. I didn't reply to the previous one because there was no need to.

":)on't worry I'm not trying to ruin your relationship, if that's the reasoning behind you ignoring my last email! Always knew you'd end up with a girl the same race as you. Bet your family are happy! "

I'm trying to read between the lines here... .  I'm baffled and a bit emotion if I'm honest :-)

If someone can give me their opinion it would be very helpful

[laelle]

She wants you to JADE.  Read up on communicating without JADEing.

[jeffrey12]

What do you mean by jade?

[laelle]

She is attempting to get you to Justify, Argue, Defend or Explain yourself.  This gives her the control of the conversation.

Its an manipulation technique to re engage you without taking responsibility for herself.  If you must answer a simple answer will do like thank you for respecting my privacy, I wish all the best for you as well.

My ex and I always break up over his toxic mouth, but when he tries to re engage is always with a... .  Dont worry im not trying to intrude in your life.  I know you and your new man must be happy.   He is trying to stick his foot in the door while saying he isnt.

[jeffrey12]

It's over a year since she broke up with me. And now I get this!

It's one of those where I lover her but can't be with her and don't want to be with anyone else catch 22 for me. I'm just a strong character this is my only damn weakness! Lol

So you think this reply is too much;

Firstly, I didn't get a previous email and secondly there was nothing and there is nothing for you to ruin. Went out for a drink, was bored as fu*k then lied about having a migraine and dropped her back off home.Not interested in anything or anyone apart from myself.

 And however soppy this may sound and I have no shame in saying it, there was 3 women in my life. My mum and my nan. The other lady in my life let me down and broke my heart

?

[laelle]

Its Jade ing

[laelle]

What is her actual question?  The original one from the first email?

Do you want her back or do you want her to stay gone?

[jeffrey12]

"How's your girlfriend? Small world!"

I don't know what I want. I love her without a doubt but she really messed me up.

Is my reply over the top... .  

[jeffrey12]

That was the first message

[laelle]

Its not her concern about any girfriend or not.  Dont respond to it.

You can start by answering... .  yeah, its been a long time.  It was good to see you the other nite.

Do not respond to the second email at all.  Its rude and you have no responsibility to do so.

[laelle]

Just because they say it, doesnt mean you have any responsibility to answer.

[jeffrey12]

Rationally I agree with you. If I was to send my reply the one i've posted above would that be too much considering I possibly want to get back with her.

Thanks for helping out  

[laelle]

Remember not to JADE... .  if she asks you an inappropriate question or asks you to explain something, turn it around by nicely asking her.  Why do you feel that way?  or Why do you want to know that.  Then you turn the tables to where she is going to have to do 1 of 2 things

Drop it because its too much work, or JADE herself.  It will normally come out as the Justifying and a little offensive.   

[jeffrey12]

In this semi state that I'm in though it will be hard to not JADE. How would you reply to this if it was you... .  Sorry to be a nuisance 

":)on't worry I'm not trying to ruin your relationship, if that's the reasoning behind you ignoring my last email! Always knew you'd end up with a girl the same race as you. Bet your family are happy! "

[laelle]

I wouldnt... .  I would ignore it.  Its rude and non of her business.

Just answer the first email as that is why she sent the second one.

Yeah, it was really good to get to see you again the other day.  How are things with you?

[laelle]

you may think giving big, long, open and honest emails will help, but they wont.

[jeffrey12]

Is this fine. Btw I haven't seen her fit 6 months.

In the first email she mentioned 'how's your gf' would it be worth my time mentioning the fact that I haven't got one or shall I just ignore that question... .  

Hey, 

How's you and your studies going? You've probably got cw deadlines or exams coming up now seen as it's about this time of the year, so I hope they're going well for you :-) I didn't get another email? When did you send it... .   Speak soon, Jeffrey x

[oletimefeelin]

Jeff,

Absolutely and unequivocally do not send that back to her.  She's starving for validation here and you're giving it to her in spades.  She's allowed to move on (on the surface of course; emotionally it's impossible for her over time), but you are not.  Think of everything she put you through, man.  It's comforting to her that you are still that sniveling mess that showed up at her work with flowers months later.  There is absolutely no reason to expose your hand like that.  Her last email is dripping with insecurity with the race comment.  You don't owe this woman a thing, and at the same time do not need her validation to stand on your own two feet.

I would have responded to her first message in one of two ways.  The first would be in a sarcastic manner to play back at her.  Yes, it's a game.  Something like:

Hey Hey Hey,

How the heck are ya?  Long time no speak.  Still living at the same address?  I should keep it handy should I need to send any invitations your way in the near future!  I'm glad you're keeping tabs on me otherwise I would have completely lost track of you at this point.


Or and probably better for this scenario is something direct and to the point.  You tell her you know exactly what she's doing and draw a clear line on what you will tolerate:

Name,

It's no business of either one of us whom we may or may not be seeing at this point in our lives.  We are exes.  I owe you nothing and the same goes for you to me.  Your email is designed to evoke a response from me, which is entirely inappropriate.  I have moved on with respect and ask that you do the same.  Any future emails will not be responded to.

Jeff


Of course, option 3 is complete silence.  I do think at some point the passive approach becomes counter-productive as indicated by the paralysis her emails have induced.    

[oletimefeelin]

Is this fine. Btw I haven't seen her fit 6 months.

In the first email she mentioned 'how's your gf' would it be worth my time mentioning the fact that I haven't got one or shall I just ignore that question... .  

Hey, 

How's you and your studies going? You've probably got cw deadlines or exams coming up now seen as it's about this time of the year, so I hope they're going well for you :-) I didn't get another email? When did you send it... .   Speak soon, Jeffrey x

That reads like you want her back or at the very least want to be pals.  Do you?  Why lie about not getting the other email?  You are too busy living your life to respond!  She's not priority #1 any more.

[jeffrey12]

Thanks guys.

Oletimefeeling, cheers for being brutal haha. Sometimes that's needed. The funny thing is moving on with other chicks on a night out is a norm now it's just that I'm just emotionally cold towards them bro.

My dilemma is that I love the ex but I can never be with her because I wouldn't allow myself. Problem is I don't want any other woman so I'm in a catch 22 pal.

These people with BPD can have such a power hold on us.

My question to you pal is. She breaks up with me. I chase her. She ignores all of my efforts then.

I see her 6 months ago out. She is always looking in my direction. Puts herself in front of me and starts talking to me. Then touches me whilst I walk away. Then argues with a friends sister in the night accusing her of looking at her funny.

And now this? She didn't want me. So all this change for?

[tuum est61]

So all this change for?

Jeff this is very difficult business.  

I read a bit of your posting history. Her recent actions sound like par for the course for her.  You are spending a lot of energy trying to rationalize the irrational - both her actions towards you and your responses. To some extent you need to take these at face value but recognize change is indeed necessary. But the only one that you can change is you.

In several of your previous posts you mentioned you come on and off these boards because they "trigger you." What does that mean?  What happens here that causes such bad feelings that you feel you need to give it such lengthy rests?

[oletimefeelin]

And now this? She didn't want me. So all this change for?

Change is her way of life, Jeff.  She can't stay consistent from one moment to the next.  If you come across her radar, whether it be at a bar or through someone telling her about date you went on, then all of sudden you move back to the forefront.  The lack of object constancy is useless if she see you or hears about you.

Go ahead and date.  Give people a chance.  Stay away from people that are even remotely in your ex's orbit like this last one.

[jeffrey12]

Update:

I get a random txt a few days ago asking me if I can get her some antibiotics because it's impossible for her to get to the doctors on time. Take into consideration she in the past changed her number so I wouldn't have it and we would always communicate threw email. So now she txts me?

Like an idiot because I'm not a bad person and when it concerns someone's health I'm a bit of a sucker I drove down there and gave her the antibiotics and spoke to her and her mother who missed me etc and the rest of the nonsense. She mentioned how she loved me, didn't cheat on me and that the reason behind the breakup was not because she didn't love me but was due to her being unable to live a life of constant jealousy, anxiety etc because of me. She apologised for the mistakes she done and blamed herself... .  

I told her I still loved her and wanted to cuddle and kiss her but I wouldn't because it wouldn't be the right thing to do for me and her. She also told me she wanted to engage me at the time and she's studying wedding planning at present and she could of planned our wedding... .   Smart little jab from her ... .   Ooo and she was still attracted to me... .  

I leave and I receive a txt from her saying:

Thanks for eveththing the breakup wasn't your fault. Don't think in didn't want to cuddle you or kiss you but I'm doing it for my own sanity.

I stuck to my guns I believe did to an extent pour my heart out but I maintained a level of maturity. My question is why would someone do what she done when it was her interest prior in the past to avoid all contact with me and now she's started the contact process... .  

Am i reading this all wrong... .

Thanks in advance

[oletimefeelin]

What's your read on it, Jeff?  Hard to say what triggered it.  I'd imagine it has something to do with you showing signs of moving on by dating and also ignoring her more recently.  She senses that she doesn't rent as much space in your head any more and wants back in.  The plea for antibiotics is unquestionably a test of your devotion.  She likely knows that the health stuff is the way to get to you, so she went for broke.  I mean come on now.  She couldn't get to the CVS nor could her mother who also was present.  What's more instinctive than a mother's love?  This was about testing your commitment level.

Be careful. 

[tuum est61]

I agree with OTF about being careful but don't beat yourself up because you chose to be helpful.

But don't be drawn into old patterns either. I think you did well to deliver the pills and depart - you are reading things well - staying out of the "pull" even as you put yourself in temptation's way.

[whereisthezen]

Jeff,

I have a question for you: If you are out of the relationship and happily casually dating, why even if you love her, want to keep in touch with her?  Just want to know how this helps you move on?

My take: She is baiting you. 

You don't need to respond.  If you chose to, respond in ten words or less if you can.  That way you can't connect with her.

Like: Got your email. All is well. Enjoy your day.

That is it.  You had enough the night you realized there was a connection from  your date to her now bf.  Don't prolong your pain.  She doesnt want you to be with someone else doesnt mean she wants to be with you, she might want an emotional relationship or friendship.  How would that help you or your future?

We're all going through a lot. I think you can move on and be successful at cutting your ties.  Keep it simple with her or NC.

If she wanted to fix things she would tell you she was getting help and make an attempt with you she wouldnt be baiting you.

[KE151]

I think jeff, you're not yet detached, and despite the breakup feel you're in a position to decide your own fate regarding this r/s. i think that option has gone. She knows she is now in control of the situation if you take her back. In my opinion, she has not given any indication she is willing to change. Remember that she is prepared to say anything to get what she wants that moment.

Maybe you do desire/need to go in for another 12 rounder. Many of us did on your situation. Everyone who did regrets it. Unfortunately it's difficult to learn from other people's mistakes.  

If you really contemplate giving in and going back in, you need to prepare for the worst ride she's ever given you. The recycles get more traumatic time after time. I really hope you have the strength to go NC and start to heal.

You need her like a head needs a hole. You on the other hand mean the world to her, until she paints you pitch black again and throws you away like last week's newspaper.

God bless.