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Author Topic: Accepting  (Read 1138 times)
laelle
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« on: March 20, 2013, 07:06:03 AM »

Learning to accept letting go just because my gut feeling tells me so.

Compassionate withdraw.  No running away.

Not sacrificing my own needs or doubts to fix another person.

Not being afraid to stand up for myself.

Loving me.
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maria1
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« Reply #1 on: March 20, 2013, 07:40:53 AM »

Hi Laelle

I just read your latest thread on staying. I didn't post because I don't really feel I should post on there, not being a stayer. Your last post gave me goosepimples- that you do not need to sell yourself and you never did, everything you wrote. That's true growth.

I am absolutely impressed by your journey and the place you have got to and so pleased that when I just moved from your thread on staying to look at PI I saw you here.

Learning to accept letting go just because my gut feeling tells me so.

Compassionate withdraw.  No running away.

Not sacrificing my own needs or doubts to fix another person.

Not being afraid to stand up for myself.

Loving me.

There is nothing else to be said- that is what the journey in and from BPD land is all about in my mind. Just so, so glad you have decided that you are worthy of healthy.  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)
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laelle
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« Reply #2 on: March 20, 2013, 09:06:11 AM »

Thank you so much for the encouragement Maria.  You are always welcome to post as I will be joining you on leaving now because I dont want my personal experience to hinder those that are giving it their best.  I have endless admiration and support for them.  I remember your heartfelt posts as I had just found this website, and I know how you have struggled with making some pretty hard decisions.

I am pretty happy today.  I know the hurt will come, but I am really free now to breathe and heal.  Its been a long fight and I honored him and the relationship by giving it my all.  I am satisfied with my efforts and its time to let go.  I am left now to clean up the chaos created and to heal now, and I very thankful to have the support here to help.

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Grey Kitty
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« Reply #3 on: March 20, 2013, 02:46:40 PM »

Welcome laelle,

I'm glad to see you here--I'm starting to think of this as my home board these days. If I had seen this thread first, I probably would have put the Rumi poem up here instead of on your last Staying post. 
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laelle
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« Reply #4 on: March 20, 2013, 03:20:02 PM »

Thank you Grey Kitty, It was a welcome poem either way.  It makes hurting alot easier knowing its to help me grow and fill my life with better things.

Am talking to a friend and cursing my ex out.  It feels good for the moment.     
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LetItBe
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« Reply #5 on: March 20, 2013, 04:35:25 PM »

Learning to accept letting go just because my gut feeling tells me so.

Compassionate withdraw.  No running away.

Not sacrificing my own needs or doubts to fix another person.

Not being afraid to stand up for myself.

Loving me.

 to you, laelle.

This was beautifully written, and I can relate.  I am done sacrificing myself and not standing up for myself.  I am done walking on eggshells.  His reactions are his.  I am loving myself.
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laelle
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« Reply #6 on: March 20, 2013, 04:43:37 PM »

Thank you so much NonGf,

I think its great that you are investing some time, care and love into yourself.  They can deal with their own garbage.  I have my own that I must carry, I can not carry another persons as well. 

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laelle
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« Reply #7 on: March 22, 2013, 07:45:01 AM »

www.youtube.com/watch?v=fzQ_HD08y_Q
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Phoenix.Rising
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« Reply #8 on: March 22, 2013, 09:22:06 AM »

Hi Laelle,  It can be quite difficult accepting that the relationship is not right for you.  I still find myself questioning at times, but my gut tells me I am doing the best thing for both of us by letting go.  I try to take it one day at a time.  Best of luck to you.   

Btw, cool video... Evanescence rocks!
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laelle
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« Reply #9 on: March 22, 2013, 12:22:01 PM »

Thank you Phoenix,

Looking back just 2 days go when it happened I cant believe what I was subjecting myself to.  Someone said yesterday that they had "powers", Im not sure if I could disagree with that.  I will get my old self back one day, and thank you for showing your support and letting me know how you have confidence that your "gut" is right.  Smiling (click to insert in post)
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Phoenix.Rising
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« Reply #10 on: March 23, 2013, 09:44:51 PM »

Yes, still trusting my gut.  I do take this a day at a time.  I have not spoken to my ex in over 2 months now.  Some days are easier than others, but overall my stress is WAY lower than it was while trying to have a relationship with her.  Take care.
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laelle
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« Reply #11 on: March 24, 2013, 03:56:24 AM »

Thanks Phoenix.  Even with all my mixed emotions atm, im not eating my emotions like I did when he was around.  I have a future without all the false promises.  Its a bleak one, but its there.  Smiling (click to insert in post)
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Phoenix.Rising
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« Reply #12 on: March 25, 2013, 10:37:53 AM »

We both have great futures if we strive for just that!  I can relate to it feeling bleak at times, but hope still abounds.  It has to.
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laelle
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« Reply #13 on: March 25, 2013, 12:14:16 PM »

Your right Phoenix, life does go on.   
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Cardinals in Flight
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« Reply #14 on: March 26, 2013, 06:37:03 PM »

I'm sorry to see you leave The Staying board, but I'm pleased that you are in the place where you are just now... . I hope it continues for you.  

We're all still here for the bad days though, don't forget!

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laelle
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« Reply #15 on: March 27, 2013, 02:13:04 AM »

Thank you Cardinal 

It sucks to fight so hard for someone that you love only to watch it fail, again.

To keep losing him over and over and over.

When you hear stories about the love that could never be, I never understood why not.  I get it now.

How are you? 


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Phoenix.Rising
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« Reply #16 on: March 27, 2013, 09:57:47 AM »

It sucks to fight so hard for someone that you love only to watch it fail, again.

To keep losing him over and over and over.

When you hear stories about the love that could never be, I never understood why not.  I get it now.

It does suck.  I suppose it is unrequited love.  I was thinking about my ex this morning and felt a deep longing to connect with her again.  I wanted to call her and tell her I love her, but I'm not going to do that today.  I don't believe it would improve the situation.  I understand the heartache.
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laelle
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« Reply #17 on: March 27, 2013, 10:47:40 AM »

I know that feeling well Phoenix.

I would have never thought I would end up in a situation where I actually longed to be hurt.  That was the only sure thing in my relationship.

History repeats itself without change.  I can change me, but I cant change him.  He doesnt want or cant change.

I think its great you are avoiding contact today.  Tomorrow can take care of itself.  I really admire your courage when faced with such pain. 

I wish I could just **poof him from my heart the way he did me.

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LetItBe
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« Reply #18 on: March 27, 2013, 11:49:04 AM »

It sucks to fight so hard for someone that you love only to watch it fail, again.

To keep losing him over and over and over.

When you hear stories about the love that could never be, I never understood why not.  I get it now.

I believe I'm seeing the end here, too.  Yes, it really sucks when you've loved someone so much, had such high hopes, and invested so much into a r/s... . only to watch it unravel.  I was recently thinking about what you said about "the love that could never be."  Yeah, why not?  Well, it takes 2 people who feel the same way about love, I suppose.

Sending you   and a big  .
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laelle
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« Reply #19 on: March 27, 2013, 12:07:50 PM »

I am really sorry that it seems your relationship isnt going to make it NonGF.  I was really hoping things would improve for you.  I know resigning your hopes for someone you love is a difficult thing to do.    I can really empathize with you on the crushing weight of its finality.  I think you are right.  It does take 2, but I also think that an overly romanticized view of love had alot to do with how I got here.  Romance is nice, but its really an illusion if nothing else backs it up. Trust, faith, stability, loyalty, love, intimacy, empathy and respect are all needed for a healthy relationship.  I wasnt getting all of those things, but I was so blinded by the romance part that I felt it compensated for what wasnt there and just hoped the other would grow in time.

In the end, it unraveled because the illusion was disappearing, the reality of the situation was setting in, and those things that are needed for a healthy relationship still werent there.  I started asking too many questions that I couldnt answer and he couldnt be assed to... .  the illusion died and *poof I was disappeared.

When one door closes another opens, I cant wait to find out whats behind door #2   Smiling (click to insert in post)

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Phoenix.Rising
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« Reply #20 on: March 27, 2013, 12:17:04 PM »

When one door closes another opens, I cant wait to find out whats behind door #2   Smiling (click to insert in post)

Me either!
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LetItBe
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« Reply #21 on: March 27, 2013, 12:30:23 PM »

I am really sorry that it seems your relationship isnt going to make it NonGF.  I was really hoping things would improve for you.  I know resigning your hopes for someone you love is a difficult thing to do.    I can really empathize with you on the crushing weight of its finality.  I think you are right.  It does take 2, but I also think that an overly romanticized view of love had alot to do with how I got here.  Romance is nice, but its really an illusion if nothing else backs it up. Trust, faith, stability, loyalty, love, intimacy, empathy and respect are all needed for a healthy relationship.  I wasnt getting all of those things, but I was so blinded by the romance part that I felt it compensated for what wasnt there and just hoped the other would grow in time.

In the end, it unraveled because the illusion was disappearing, the reality of the situation was setting in, and those things that are needed for a healthy relationship still werent there.  I started asking too many questions that I couldnt answer and he couldnt be assed to... .  the illusion died and *poof I was disappeared.

When one door closes another opens, I cant wait to find out whats behind door #2   Smiling (click to insert in post)

Thank you so much for this, laelle.  What I've highlighted in bold letters is especially grounding to hear, and I can relate.

I'm just numb right now.  He broke an agreement we'd made that was very important to me and hits a very sensitive area for me.  Unless he offers a huge apology and can back it up (and I doubt he's equipped for that, based on history), I can't go on like this with him. 

I can't think of door #2.  I'm happy you're able to do so, though.  It sounds like you're healing.  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)
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laelle
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« Reply #22 on: March 27, 2013, 12:43:22 PM »

I wont be moving on to another relationship for a long long long time.  I need some time for me.  I would repeat the same cycle with someone else atm.

I just meant... . a new opportunity    I hope he greets you with a huge apology and a big bunch of roses.  If not, ill move my ass over on the leaving bench and you can sit beside me. Ill be here for you.
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laelle
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« Reply #23 on: March 27, 2013, 12:54:38 PM »

When one door closes another opens, I cant wait to find out whats behind door #2   Smiling (click to insert in post)

Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

Me either!

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nona
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« Reply #24 on: March 29, 2013, 09:26:35 AM »

THANKS FOR SHOWING ME MY BLIND SPOT ON THIS,  LAELLE:


"I also think that an overly romanticized view of love had alot to do with how I got here.  Romance is nice, but its really an illusion if nothing else backs it up. Trust, faith, stability, loyalty, love, intimacy, empathy and respect are all needed for a healthy relationship.  I wasnt getting all of those things, but I was so blinded by the romance part that I felt it compensated for what wasnt there and just hoped the other would grow in time.

In the end, it unraveled because the illusion was disappearing, the reality of the situation was setting in, and those things that are needed for a healthy relationship still werent there.  I started asking too many questions that I couldnt answer and he couldnt be assed to... .   the illusion died and *poof I was disappeared.

When one door closes another opens, I cant wait to find out whats behind door #2   "



  DID YOU EVER NAIL IT THOSE SIMPLE WORDS FOR ME  !

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sheepdog
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« Reply #25 on: March 29, 2013, 11:16:56 AM »

Learning to accept letting go just because my gut feeling tells me so.

Compassionate withdraw.  No running away.

Not sacrificing my own needs or doubts to fix another person.

Not being afraid to stand up for myself.

Loving me.

Wow... .

I want to get here... . :'(

   
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laelle
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« Reply #26 on: March 29, 2013, 01:11:12 PM »

"THANKS FOR SHOWING ME MY BLIND SPOT ON THIS,  LAELLE:"  You are very welcome.  

I am to this point I think because I spent alot of time on the staying board trying to make the relationship work.  I had worked on a certain degree of detaching already.

We were long distance and didnt get to see eachother much, and had other issues.  The bottom line is that you cant have a mature relationship with someone who has the emotional maturity of a 3 year old. If you think your love will help them grow up, think again. He did it all, ignoring for punishment, insulting, tit for tat, raging.  He asked that I give all and make his needs my own, and when I tried to do the same, I got my ass chewed out and usually broke up with.

I cant be assed with the childish games anymore and I have too much to lose to mess with it.  

sheepdog - You will.  You have to get past the illusion first and it takes time.  Even I have bad days and I know the truth.
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LetItBe
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« Reply #27 on: March 29, 2013, 04:20:36 PM »

THANKS FOR SHOWING ME MY BLIND SPOT ON THIS,  LAELLE:

Ditto, laelle!  Thanks for sharing your story here.  Your words have been an enormous help for me and have brought some clarity to my situation.  I'll write more about that to you when I get a chance.  Hope you're doing great! 
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laelle
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« Reply #28 on: March 29, 2013, 04:27:26 PM »

Hello NonGF, I am doing great today.  Thank you for asking.  I am lonely and I am as bored as ever, but I am at peace.

When I sit and read alot of the post of the degree of hurt everyone is feeling, I almost feel guilty.  Its not that I dont miss my friend and what I thought was

the love of my life who cared about me, but his actions spoke alot louder than words.  When the jig was up, he got out of town without even a goodbye. I guess I should thank him for that.  I start my french classes again next week and have to meet the landlord about an apartment that I have been offered.  Hopefully it will keep me busy.

Maybe I have some object constancy issues?  

How are you holding up?
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laelle
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« Reply #29 on: April 01, 2013, 11:39:21 AM »

I'm struggling today, so ive come back to my personal inventory.  I am struggling today because im fighting feelings that were not there but now are.  I did hear about this, and expected it as the "shock" of him leaving wore off, but its kinda kicking me in the behind atm.  I know I should not fight them but allow them and make peace with them.

I have been taking short little naps when I feel overwhelmed. 

It amazes me how someone can tell you that they love you and then not even have the respect for you to say goodbye.  Not a kiss my behind, Have a nice life or anything.  I have not exactly remained best friends with my exes, but I have been able to maintain them as a respected person in my life.  Its that wrong?  Should I have sent them a hateful email and disappeared instead?  Is it just me who has done it wrong?

I guess that is what we have been talking about on another post.  That BPD's dont give closure. 

I laid in bed and cried a little today.  No one can say I dont have feelings thats for sure. 
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