Accepting

[sheepdog]

laelle - I am sorry you are having such a difficult day.  I have a post here in personal inventory where I ask if anyone ever feels all over the place.  So yes, I feel you right now.

The things you mentioned were very hard for me as well.  My therapist is helping me see that none of it was real.  That it was an incredibly false, harmful relationship.

That used to be a hard pill for me to swallow - that none of it really mattered to him.  But, I have no idea why, it actually HELPS now knowing that.

At least for today.    Who knows about tomorrow?   

We are here for you.  You got this.

[laelle]

laelle - I am sorry you are having such a difficult day.  I have a post here in personal inventory where I ask if anyone ever feels all over the place.  So yes, I feel you right now.

The things you mentioned were very hard for me as well.  My therapist is helping me see that none of it was real.  That it was an incredibly false, harmful relationship.

That used to be a hard pill for me to swallow - that none of it really mattered to him.  But, I have no idea why, it actually HELPS now knowing that.

At least for today.    Who knows about tomorrow?   

We are here for you.  You got this.

Thanks Sheepdog, its great that you have a psych that is familiar with BPD.  I have an appointment with mine on Wednesday.  I had started them back after the last recycle but quit. She doesnt know anything about BPD tho and it has me a little worried.  I know she can help me with the childhood stuff, but I really want someone who can understand where I am at atm.  Its hard to find a psych who speaks english here, my options are limited.

You know my mind gets the logic behind all of this, but my heart doesnt understand such things.  I understand my mind has to rule this because my heart is sick and needs to rest up and get better.  Its still very hard for my heart to believe he could be so cruel.  Admittedly I was that cruel one time in my life, and I still have hellish guilt about it.  How horrible it is to mentally damage someone.  Does he not care at all?

Thank you for your support.  While I am sad that I am not alone because others have to suffer too, but its nice to have people truly understand what im going through.

[laelle]

wow, someone posted this song earlier.  www.directlyrics.com/kelly-clarkson-you-love-me-lyrics.html   She has obviously had a go with a roller coaster man.

[sheepdog]

She is a therapist, not a psych but she works for several hours a week with borderlines in group work so she knows a lot about them.

I don't understand any of it either.  I don't understand the cruelty, the lies, any of it.  

From what my therapist says, he is not thinking of me at all.  He has found someone else with issues who we can emotionally manipulate.  I was not an innocent bystander and had a part in all of this but I was selected, watched, and then played as well as Beethoven.

I was never special to him.  I was never his friend, the greatest person he ever met.  I was just another messed-up person who put up with his crap for too long.  

Now, I gotta focus on me.

You focus on you.  

[laelle]

She is a therapist, not a psych but she works for several hours a week with borderlines in group work so she knows a lot about them.

I don't understand any of it either.  I don't understand the cruelty, the lies, any of it.  

From what my therapist says, he is not thinking of me at all.  He has found someone else with issues who we can emotionally manipulate.  I was not an innocent bystander and had a part in all of this but I was selected, watched, and then played as well as Beethoven.

I was never special to him.  I was never his friend, the greatest person he ever met.  I was just another messed-up person who put up with his crap for too long.  

Now, I gotta focus on me.

You focus on you.  

Wow, that must have been really hard to hear.  It was hard for me to hear it just now.  If your therapist is interested in skyping sessions I would be interested.

Some do, some dont.  Its going to be hard for me to find someone like that here.

[sheepdog]

It was hard to hear at first. 

Actually, I quit therapy for a while and she contacted me several months later to see how I was doing and I just recently started going back a couple weeks ago.

She kind of told me all that months ago.  I heard the words, read the words online in other places, knew they were probably true.  Just not true for he and I.  We were different.

Truth is, we weren't.

On Saturday, I wanted to work on other things and she was not having it.  She said I needed to understand this relationship before I could move forward.  And she said those things.  She called it predatory.  Someone on here once said that to me and I balked.  But now I see it.

It was like that.

I argued with her and told her I had told him such private things about me, and he to me and he had promised to hold them dear and precious.  She said those were just words.  And they were. 

She said I was the perfect person for him - a raging codependent and shame-based.  It could not have been more perfect and easy for him.

The first time I read the article linked from this site about the truths, I cried.  Hard.  I don't know how I would feel now.

He hurt me.

My t says he hurt me part consciously and part not - that it is the pathology of borderlines.

But, there it is.  He hurt me.  Belittled me.  Shamed me.  Treated me like crap.

*I* allowed it. 

I want closure, too.  It ended undramatically.  Just - stopped.  I want to rip him a new butthole on some days.  Others I want to say, sincerely, "You're sick.  You need help."

But honestly, really, I never, EVER want to speak to him again.  He is so sick. 

But he makes me feel sick.

I am so glad I am out.

[laelle]

It was hard to hear at first. 

Actually, I quit therapy for a while and she contacted me several months later to see how I was doing and I just recently started going back a couple weeks ago.

She kind of told me all that months ago.  I heard the words, read the words online in other places, knew they were probably true.  Just not true for he and I.  We were different.

Truth is, we weren't.

On Saturday, I wanted to work on other things and she was not having it.  She said I needed to understand this relationship before I could move forward.  And she said those things.  She called it predatory.  Someone on here once said that to me and I balked.  But now I see it.

It was like that.

I argued with her and told her I had told him such private things about me, and he to me and he had promised to hold them dear and precious.  She said those were just words.  And they were. 

She said I was the perfect person for him - a raging codependent and shame-based.  It could not have been more perfect and easy for him.

The first time I read the article linked from this site about the truths, I cried.  Hard.  I don't know how I would feel now.

He hurt me.

My t says he hurt me part consciously and part not - that it is the pathology of borderlines.

But, there it is.  He hurt me.  Belittled me.  Shamed me.  Treated me like crap.

*I* allowed it. 

I want closure, too.  It ended undramatically.  Just - stopped.  I want to rip him a new butthole on some days.  Others I want to say, sincerely, "You're sick.  You need help."

But honestly, really, I never, EVER want to speak to him again.  He is so sick. 

But he makes me feel sick.

I am so glad I am out.

I saw things in him as well.  When they were his problems we had to address them now, when they were mine... .   they would be sorted out later.  Rarely were there, and never with more than half an ear of attention.

I guess he has repeated the disappearing act so many times, he has it down to a science.  I had a few friends who told me he seemed like a predator.  While I can believe he is sick, its hard to see him as a predator.  I dont want to see him as that, but it doesnt mean he isnt.

[sheepdog]

Hey laelle, I hope I did not make you feel worse. 

Just because my pwBPD was a predator, doesn't mean yours was.

It's hard for me to believe he was but the more I think about it... .   I do see how well-orchestrated it all was.  How gullible and believing in his goodness I was.

He would tell me all the time that he changed himself in every situation to become what the people around him wanted him to be.  Mine was incredibly intelligent - like Mensa-smart and he watched.

The half-listening... .   that is one of the things that hurt the most.  When we first met, he made me feel so HEARD.  He really listened.

Until, he didn't... .    

Again, didn't mean to make you feel worse.  You are very strong.  I see it in your posts.

[laelle]

Awww Sheepdog, dont worry.  Sometimes the truth hurts, but I would rather hear the truth than believe a lie.

Isnt that what we are fighting to get back in our lives... .   truth?

I see those things too, I have since the beginning.  I didnt see them as predatory, but more having a need that is so intense they look for people to fill it for them.  Not to intentionally harm them.  They have to be obvious to the fact however that it always does.

Does that still mean predator, I guess so but in a less intentional way.  I was more than happy to give a little of myself.  Am I an idiot or what?  

I was aware that he was BPD, he told me.  I read the books, but it didnt make sense to me in laymans terms.  It wasnt until coming here that I began to understand it.

I am really concerned about getting an appropriate therapist.  I emailed mine and wanted to clarify how she wanted to approach the BPD stuff or if she even wanted to.

I am not strong, but I have to pretend, or im ripe for the picking.

Thank you Sheepdog... .   I feel worse and better at the same time. 

[sheepdog]

That is where I am right now.  That is why I think I am saying these things in such a metter-of-fact way.  Pasrt because if I think about it, it scares me but also because I am the kind of person who is better able to face what I have in front of me once I know what I am dealing with.

My person also had sociopathic tendencies so again, may be very different from yours.

I was also more than happy to give myself to him.  I don't know why.  I am trying to work that out.  I made myself incredibly accessible and vulnerable to him.  It disgusts me. 

I understand your 'am I an idiot?' question.  That is one thing I am really having difficulty letting go of.  Could there be a bigger idiot on this earth than me?

The first time I talked to my therapist on the phone, I told her that I had been in a relationship with a person with BPD.  Her response?  "Then we really need to explore YOU.  No one who is healthy maintains a realtionship with a BPD."

You *are* strong - you survived something incredibly hurtful.  And hopefully we are both less ripe for the picking of others due to this experience.

I feel strong and stupid and such shame.  I have a long way to go.

[laelle]

Sheep, I think your being a tiny bit hard on yourself by blaming yourself, They are GOOD at what they do.  Even psychs fall prety to them. I do understand that after so much time receiving only half truths, that it would be important for you to get down to the bottom line.  I feel the same.

I survived yeah, but I almost lost everything.  He would tell you that I dont have anything, but he's wrong.

[sheepdog]

Of course he's wrong.

You have the best thing ever - YOU.

[LetItBe]

Hi, laelle.  I've been thinking of you.  Sorry you're having a tough day.  I totally understand.  You are not alone.

My therapist is very familiar with BPD and is a DBT therapist, actually.  I've been to her twice so far, and I like her.  She almost immediately said I need to work on sticking up for myself.  She's so right.  I'm doing that, and I think it's landed me at the end of my r/s.  I'd be happy to ask her if she does Skype sessions if you'd like.

[laelle]

Of course he's wrong.

You have the best thing ever - YOU.

Thank you Sheepdog,  I seem to have lost that fact somewhere along the way. 

[laelle]

Hi, laelle.  I've been thinking of you.  Sorry you're having a tough day.  I totally understand.  You are not alone.

My therapist is very familiar with BPD and is a DBT therapist, actually.  I've been to her twice so far, and I like her.  She almost immediately said I need to work on sticking up for myself.  She's so right.  I'm doing that, and I think it's landed me at the end of my r/s.  I'd be happy to ask her if she does Skype sessions if you'd like.

I would absolutely love that NonGF, mine just emailed me back and said she doesnt have any experience with BPD. She is nice and I dont worry about trusting her, but I dont think anyone could fully understand what being with a BPD is like unless they hve been there.  Please let me know.   and thank you

[LetItBe]

I'll let you know a.s.a.p., laelle. 

My prior therapist is nice and trustworthy, too, but she doesn't have the experience with pwBPD like my new therapist does.  I understand what you mean about needing to work with someone who understands it.

Hope you're feeling better today.

[laelle]

Thank you NonGF,

I just need someone trusted, some exp with BPD, not too expensive, and willing to skype.  Thats not too much to ask for eh?  

Today im giving myself a real hard time for not getting over it.  Relationships end all the time.  I didnt cry this much when I left my ex husband.

Both of them.    I feel like if he could see me getting hung up over all this he will tell me to get over it.

[LetItBe]

Thank you NonGF,

I just need someone trusted, some exp with BPD, not too expensive, and willing to skype.  Thats not too much to ask for eh?  

Today im giving myself a real hard time for not getting over it.  Relationships end all the time.  I didnt cry this much when I left my ex husband.

Both of them.    I feel like if he could see me getting hung up over all this he will tell me to get over it.

I understand the need to find someone inexpensive.  She is a PsyD and therefore not inexpensive.  I've found enough value in her work, personally, to "splurge" on myself.  Actually, I know this isn't splurging.  This might be changing the course of my life, my future, and that's priceless.  That might sound drastic, but it's true.  If I continued on the course I've been on... .   well, that's a scary thought.  

It can take much longer than "usual" to disentangle one's self from a r/s with a pwBPD.  What you just experienced sounds like a trauma, not a "normal" r/s or a "normal" breakup.  My prior T did know that much, and I found that somehow comforting in my healing process after he broke up w/me last June.  It was SO hard detaching from him!   I've spent some time recently kicking myself for reuniting with him.     I have to remember when those thoughts are spinning in my mind to be kind to myself, to stop, to think of something else.

Are you doing the 12-Week Self-Acceptance course?  I think Tara Brach is one of the teachers this week, and I've found her so helpful.  She's one of my favorite teachers ever.

[laelle]

I really hope she will take me.  The euro to dollar currency conversion is great. 

I just want to get better already.  Im not interested in talking to anyone or do anything.  Im just sad.

Spending so much time with him I didnt really have any other social contact.  I've forgotten how.

Dont beat yourself up about returning.  Sometimes going back seems easier than dealing with the pain. I am sure that your doing all you can to make it work.  As I said before, if you decide its not your thing, Im always here to whine with you. 

[Phoenix.Rising]

Hi Laelle, 

Stopping by to wish you peace and happiness and flowers and singing birds and sunshine.   

I do hope you are feeling better soon.  My emotions have been up and down the past couple of days, so you're not alone.   

[laelle]

Hey Phoenix, you forgot bunnies and rainbows too. 

Thanks for your post.  I am literally up one moment and feeling good about moving on, and the next I am sad and hopeless.  Its bizarre really.  I guess the only good part of it is that it is coming and going.

I'm sorry to hear that your emotions are wobbly as well.  I am told it just takes time.  I wish that time character would hurry up.

Wishing you kittens and pumpkins and maybe Bambi or something. 

Have a great day.

[Maryiscontrary]

Hey, try Pete Gerlach. He is really, really a brilliant therapist. He is inexpensive and skypes. I mean, he is really, really good.

[laelle]

Thanks Mary, I will check him out when I finish work.

I had a session with my psych today.  She said that she would rather deal with the damage he did and not deal with the BPD angle of it because its his problem not mine.  Not sure what to think about that.

[Maryiscontrary]

Check Pete out. He is a big picture guy. He is very good at integrating.

[Phoenix.Rising]

Wishing you kittens and pumpkins and maybe Bambi or something. 

 

I agree with the fact that we don't process the ending of these relationships like we do 'normal' relationships, whatever that is!  Anyway, I know I still feel a considerable amount of confusion at times due to the extreme mixed messages I received while with her. 

Like you mentioned in an earlier post, the heart does not match up with the head in these breakups.  Closure is difficult to experience on the heart level, at least it has been for me.

[laelle]

Leaving my husband of 10 years did not hurt me as much as leaving this relationship.  I dont get it.

Speaking to my psych today she asked me if he came back around would I go back.  I had to pause for a few.  If I say no, I will struggle with my heart, and if I say yes, my head would be giving me some major crap.  I am riding the fence for the moment so I dont start a war with myself.  I think thats cheating tho. 

[Phoenix.Rising]

I've found that saying I will not contact her today works pretty well for me.  I don't know about tomorrow.

[laelle]

I've found that saying I will not contact her today works pretty well for me.  I don't know about tomorrow.

Yeah, I caught on to that when you said it the other day.  I think I will steal that thought and use it if you dont mind?  It allows me to keep the anxiety from building.

[Phoenix.Rising]

Please do!   

He must think he's cool or something.

[laelle]

Please do!   

He must think he's cool or something.

Hey, its nice thinking.  It calms my nerves just saying it.  He is very cool. (uh... .   whoever he is)